while you're still on the stand

The New York Times, March 28, 2006:
MOUSSAOUI NOW TIES HIMSELF TO 9/11 PLOT
Zacarias Moussaoui, who is facing the death penalty for the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks, took the witness stand in his own defense Monday, only to bolster the government's case by unhesitatingly acknowledging the charges in the indictment against him and adding a few new, self-incriminating statements.

EXCERPTS FROM COURT TRANSCRIPT:

Gerald T. Zerkin (defense attorney): You were not supposed to be a 20th hijacker with the men who hijacked the planes on September 11th, isn't that right?

Moussaoui: That is correct.

Zerkin: So you weren't part of that conspiracy.

Moussaoui: I was supposed to fly a plane into the White House.

Zerkin: Uh, I think you mean, um, I mean ... you were supposed to fly this plane into the, uh, White House, as part of a second wave, right?

Moussaoui: No, same wave. Also, I was going to rape someone on the plane and park illegally at the airport on the morning of the attack.

* * *

Robert J. Spencer (chief prosecutor): You lied to an FBI investigator in Minneapolis.

Moussaoui: Did I ever!

Spencer: This was to allow the 9/11 attacks to go forward, to keep them a secret?

Moussaoui: Mostly. But also, I had made an illegal wager with my drug dealer about whether or not I would lie to an FBI agent. I wanted to win that bet.

Spencer: Drug dealer?

Moussaoui: Totally. I met him while scalping tickets to a Pearl Jam concert. He's a good guy. Taught me how to evade taxes.

Zerkin: Objection! This "drug dealer" is not on the witness list.

Moussaoui: That's because I killed him.

Spencer: You had a disagreement?

Moussaoui: Not, it was totally premeditated. You know, first degree murder kind of stuff.

* * *

Zerkin: Khalid Sheikh Mohammed has said that you weren't supposed to be a part of the first wave of attacks.

Moussaoui: He's wrong. I was. I even made plans with Mohammed Atta to hang out the Monday night before. I remember specifically because we were going to videotape the Broncos/Giants game even though we didn't have the express written consent of the NFL commissioner.

* * *

Spencer: You were hoping to fly a plane into the White House in order to kill Americans?

Moussaoui: That is correct, to kill Americans. I used to think about killing Americans all the time while. Especially when I was sitting around bootlegging DVDs, shooting bald eagles, and carrying an ice cream cone in my pocket in Georgia on a Sunday, which, by the way, is illegal.

Zerkin: Objection, your honor. I've looked that up on Snopes.com and it's not really illegal.

Judge Brinkema: Sustained.

Moussaoui: Did I mention it was stolen ice cream?

the dogs of march

The New York Times, March 21, 2006:
ARMY DOG HANDLER IS CONVICTED IN DETAINEE ABUSE AT ABU GHRAIB
An Army dog handler was found guilty Tuesday of tormenting detainees at the Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq with his snarling Belgian shepherd for his own amusement.

INTERVIEW WITH MY DOG

Q: What do you think of the verdict?

A: I haven't read it yet. Actually, and this is kind of embarassing, I peed on the newspaper with the story in it.

Q: Sgt. Michael J. Smith was found guilty on 6 of 13 charges including maltreatment, dereliction of duty and conspiring with another Army dog handler to frighten detainees into urinating and defecating on themselves.

A: That last one doesn't sound so bad.

Q: The detainees were humans.

A: I see why that would be a problem.

Q: Do you agree with experts who say the Abu Ghraib scandals did irreversible damage to the Arab world's view of Americans?

A: The mistreatment of prisoners is a blemish that will not soon go away, but I don't believe it is permanent.

Q: You think the relationship can be fixed?

A: I told you in advance I wasn't going to talk about getting fixed.

Q: How does the release of graphic torture photos featuring K-9 officers affect you and your fellow dogs?

A: It certainly makes things rough. Rough. Rough rough. Rough rough rough. Rough rough rough. Rough rough.

Q: Who's a good boy? Are you a good boy?

A: Rough rough rough.

Q: Do you think we need a timetable for getting our troops out of Iraq?

A: We can't just cut and run. We are tied to the Iraqi people and we have an obligation -- if we don't act, global extremism will suffocate democracy, like a choke collar around its neck. The liberals would have us roll over and play dead, but I think we have to learn to shake off our complacency and be prepared to fetch evildoers wherever they are thrown. But we must be careful, because sometimes it looks like evildoers are being thrown far away, but they're really in the hand the whole time. And by that I mean sleeper cells.

Q: Do you think we have a solid plan for reconstruction?

A: Let's be honest. We've made a mess of things in Iraq. We walked right into their yard and took a dump. But better to do it in your neighbor's lawn than for you to come home one day and find a pile of poop in your own house, right? Now the only decent thing to do is scoop the insurgency up into a plastic bag, tie it up, and throw it away. The last thing we want is for someone else to step in it and spread it around.

Q: Thank you for talking with us.

A: I was led to believe there would be a treat involved.

picking on presidents

Associated Press, March 20, 2006:
CARLOS SANTANA SPEAKS OUT AGAINST BUSH
Carlos Santana quoted his old friend Jimi Hendrix in an anti-war message here Monday and said his philosophy is the antithesis of President George W. Bush's.
"I have wisdom. I feel love. I live in the present and I try to present a dimension that brings harmony and healing," the 58-year-old rock icon said. "My concept is the opposite of George W. Bush."

GUITARISTS IN HISTORY COMMENT ON THE PRESIDENTS

Django Reinhardt on Herbert Hoover: "Well, you know, in addition to his poor handling of the American Great Depression, he failed to support two of my favorite causes. One is the equal treatment of gypsies. The other is, how you say, medical research into the defusing of fingers burned together in gypsy caravan fires, as well as the prevention of gypsy caravan fires."

Les Paul on Dwight D. Eisenhower: "I am well known as a pioneer in the fields of electric guitars, multi-tracking recording, and reverb effects. I created most of these innovations in my personal workshop. Therefore I am upset that Ike allowed the military-industrial complex to overshadow the advancements of individuals with intellectual curiousity. Also, I can't believe I'm still alive. I'm 91 years old and I still do a weekly show at New York's Iridium jazz club while Eisenhower is rotting away! You know who likes Ike now? Dirt, maggots, and daisies."

Wes Montgomery on John F. Kennedy: "Go ahead, look me up. This obscure reference will still be here when you get back."

Jimi Hendrix on Lyndon B. Johnson: "Dig, you know, that LBJ is a cool cat. All right, I mean he signed the Civil Rights Act. So, there you go, there you go. But I mean he did some bad things too. Like he escalated the war, and that' s not too groovy. Also, he could have done more to prevent accidental drownings, especially in vomit."

Peter Frampton on Gerald Ford: "He pardoned Nixon for Watergate, but his failure to win reelection in 1976 meant that he was unable to pardon me for my appearance with The Bee Gees in the horrible 1978 film of Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. I will never forgive him for that, just as you will never forgive me for pissing on a great work of art by The Beatles. By the way, if you're wondering why I care about U.S. presidents, it's because I became an American citizen after September 11, which was a disaster that caused almost as much suffering as my movie, Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band."

Billy Gibbons (ZZ Top) on Jimmy Carter: "Too much ears and lips, not enough beard."

Eddie Van Halen on Ronald Reagan: "That guy was such a bad president, I felt adamant that we should replace him with someone else, like Democrat Walter Mondale. I supported Mondale for a long time. But then I got sick of Mondale and thought maybe a third-party candidate would be good. That lasted for a few months.Then I supported Mondale again for a while, but he spent too much time at his bar in Cabo. Currently, my band does not have a president."

Kurt Cobain on Bill Clinton: "That guy's wife is one crazy bitch."

dress your uprising in crowd control and denim

The New York Times, March 20, 2006:
PROTESTORS CHARGE FRAUD IN BELARUS PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION
An expected landslide for President Aleksandr G. Lukashenko drew several thousand Belarussians into the streets on Sunday, as protesters ignored swirling snow and official threats of arrest to denounce the election as a clumsily orchestrated sham.

from a flyer titled
"IMPORTANT MESSAGES FOR ELECTION PROTEST PARTICIPANTS"

• Don't accept offers of "free pizza" from shadowy government agent types -- it is most likely a ruse to lure you into a back-alley beating. And even if it is a legitimate deal for free food, the pizza won't be very good. After all, we live in Minsk.
• As you know, this is being called the "Denim Revolution." Bring a jacket or shirt to wave in the air as your piece of denim; don't bring pants. In photographs of large crowds, if you're waving pants, it looks like you're not wearing any.
• At the last protest, some people yelled "LukaSKANKo," which is an amusing and offensive variation of our tyrant's name, but not relevant to the election fraud. Try to stay focused.
• We've managed to get a large supply of novelty glasses with frames in the shape of "2006" at a discount -- please wear them to show that we won't wait another year for democracy... the time is now!
• An underground printer has managed to produce new volumes of People's Will, the only independent daily newspaper in Belarus. As a result of government bullying, the new issues are shorter than usual, and unfortunately "The Boondocks" was cut to preserve space for election coverage. It will return with the end of Lukashenko's regime.
• Supporters are urged to wave the flag of Independent Belarus, which Lukashenko banned, to show solidarity. Please note that this is not a carte blanche to display all your previously banned flags, especially if they have swastikas on them or declare a "No Fat Chicks" zone.
• When being interviewed by international media about why you dislike Lukashenko, please stay on topic and stress the evil of his ruthless power-hungry actions rather than his bad comb-over or squeaky voice. A good example to use is the time he declared that he was the only person in the country who could call himself "president" and anyone else using that title, including leaders of sports clubs, must start calling themselves "chairman." But don't all use that example, or it will sound phony.
• Be forewarned that if you are an electrician, police may try extra-hard to goad you into violence in order to get you arrested and confined to the infamous electrical repair shop where prisoners are often sent because our landlocked country does not have a gulag archipelago.
• At the end of the protest, we will march down Independence Prospect to Victory Square. Do not follow pedestrians onto Subjugation Boulevard by mistake. By the way, once democracy is restored, we will pass a measure to rename that boulevard.
• Many of you have requested that young victims of Chernobyl not be allowed to attend the rally because their disfigurements create socially awkward moments. Please remember that Lukashenka's attempts to ban them from seeking medical treatment abroad is one of the reasons for our uprising. If we succeed, they will be allowed to travel, and you won't have to look at them.
• If you own any floodlights, please bring them. They really add pizzaz the nighttime rallies. Do not bring your acoustic guitar unless you know at least 12 protest songs: this is a political demonstration, not a chance for you to get laid like your freshman year of college.

how to win trials and influence people

The New York Times, March 13, 2006:
JUDGE CALLS HALT TO PENALTY PHASE OF TERROR TRIAL

An angry federal judge delayed the sentencing trial of Zacarias Moussaoui on Monday and said she was considering ending the prosecution's bid to have him executed after the disclosure that a government lawyer had improperly coached some witnesses.

TIP SHEET FOR PROSECUTION WITNESSES
(PLEASE KEEP CONFIDENTIAL)

Use specifics whenever possible. Details help paint a story and create (or, we should hope, uphold) the image of truth. For instance, which of the two sounds more convincing to you? 1) "I seem to recall that he may have been up to something with those guys." 2) "I remember him saying, 'I plan to hijack an airplane and fly it into a building along with my co-conspirators.'" If you said the second, you're right -- note that it is filled with details, such as an actual quote, or the helpful phrase "co-conspirators" which is more specific than "those guys."

Pauses: your friend and foe. When the prosecution asks a question, please answer immediately, in order to minimize the chance of the defense attorney raising objections. Just like on the popular gameshow "Jeopardy!" it is important not to answer the question before the interlocutor has finished asking it, which might suggest a degree of rehearsal that is frowned upon. Attached is a list of questions you will be asked, so that you can "buzz in" with your answer as soon as they are done.

On the other hand, it will be helpful to pause before answering any questions from the defense. This will give the prosecution a chance to raise objections. Try this helpful mnemonic - before any answer, count "One-rutabaga, two-rutabaga, three-rutabaga..." up to 10. Some of you may have previously learned the "One-Mississippi" method of counting. We prefer that you use rutabaga, because it is an infrequently used word and you are less likely to speed through it the way you might with Mississippi, especially if you have previously played recreational football and been forced to wait on a Mississippi count before rushing the quarterback.

In this case, the quarterback is prosecutor David Novak, and his completed pass is a legal objection. You are the offensive line, and the defense attorneys are the defensive line. They are trying to "sack" the DA before he completes his objection for a touchdown. If you wish to be "doused with Gatorade" at the end of the trial, please do your best to protect the "QB."

If only we'd known. One main argument in our death-penalty case against Moussaoui is that we could have prevented the 9/11 attacks if he had told us more about them in advance. For this reason, if you can remember him having known in advance about things that hurt the country, it will help our case. Please try to recall if he had prior knowledge of any of the following events:

• Anthrax attacks via mail
• Collapse of real estate housing bubble
• Loss to Canada in World Baseball Classic
• Hurricane Katrina
• Re-election of George Bush

J'accuse. At some point, you will be asked to identify Mr. Moussaoui in court. Be careful! The defense may arrange it so that he is not the only Moroccan in the gallery that day. Do not point out the first unusual person you see, rather, make sure you are identifying the defendant. It may help to look for the person sitting next to the defense lawyer. If, by some chance, you are unable to identify him, say "I'd be glad to point him out. I could never forget that face." This will be a signal for someone at the prosecutiontable to surreptitiously point him out to you.

Hindsight is 20/20. It helps to emphasize a dramatic piece of testimony with a physical gesture. Our suggested method is to remove you glasses as you say something important, for instance, "I know we could have prevented 9/11 (remove glasses) if he had been more helpful after his arrest." Or "Although he knew of the plot in advance, Moussaoui said there was no need to increase airport security. (remove glasses) He was dead wrong." Or "He is just as responsible for the attacks as the terrorists in the planes, (remove glasses) just as guilty." Remember to wear at least three pairs of glasses to court when you testify.

heroes

The New York Times, Elite Troops Get Expanded Role on Intelligence, March 8, 2006:
The military is placing small teams of Special Operations troops in a growing number of American embassies to gather intelligence on terrorists in unstable parts of the world and to prepare for potential missions to disrupt, capture or kill them.

---

CONVERSATION AT A MIDDLE EASTERN EMBASSY

AMBASSADOR PIERCE: Good morning, Clyde.

SECRETARY BABCOCK: Mister Ambassador.

AMBASSADOR PIERCE: You wanted to talk to me about something?

SECRETARY BABCOCK: I have some questions about the new charge d'affaires.

AMBASSADOR PIERCE: Mitchell? He's a very tall chap, isn't he?

SECRETARY BABCOCK: Yes, quite tall. Does anything strike you as, well, funny about him?

AMBASSADOR PIERCE: Hardly. If anything, the poor fellow's a little deficient in the humor department.

SECRETARY BABCOCK: I meant that he seems a little out of place here. As if he's never worked for a diplomat before.

AMBASSADOR PIERCE: I'm not sure I follow.

SECRETARY BABCOCK: Well he's always carrying things in and out of the embassy.

AMBASSADOR PIERCE: You know how it is, when you first get posted to a country. Everything is so new and exotic that you buy more than you need to at the local markets. Need I remind you of the Kenyan agriculture masks you bought at our last posting?

SECRETARY BABCOCK: You'll never let me forget that, will you? Anyway, that would explain him bringing things into the embassy, but not taking stuff out.

AMBASSADOR PIERCE: I assumed he was returning or exchanging purchases after having a change of heart.

SECRETARY BABCOCK: Every time I see him carrying something, it's rifle-shaped.

AMBASSADOR PIERCE: Let's not let our imaginations get the better of us. This part of the world is famous for its intricately woven carpets, so it's only natural that he would be excited to get his hands on one. Now, as you say, they are the size and shape of a rifle when rolled up, but that's hardly grounds to accuse the man of mischief.

SECRETARY BABCOCK: He's always looking out his window with a telescope.

AMBASSADOR PIERCE: He told me he studied astronomy at school. I assume the man was stargazing.

SECRETARY BABCOCK: During the day?

AMBASSADOR PIERCE: Listen, I won't have you casting aspersions on him when he can't defend himself. Need I remind you that he solved our infestation problem?

SECRETARY BABCOCK: He killed 17 rats by throwing knives at them with pinpoint accuracy.

AMBASSADOR PIERCE: A capital improvement to our living situation!

ENTER THE NEW CHARGE D'AFFAIRES, MITCHELL, WITH A SERVING TRAY.

AMBASSADOR PIERCE: Mitchell, we were just talking about you!

CHARGE D'AFFAIRES MITCHELL: Yes, sir.

AMBASSADOR PIERCE: And your fine handling of the rodent situation.

CHARGE D'AFFAIRES MITCHELL: Something I learned at Camp Pendleton, sir.

SECRETARY BABCOCK: A ha!

CHARGE D'AFFAIRES MITCHELL: That's a day camp my parents sent me to, sir.

SECRETARY BABCOCK: Oh.

AMBASSADOR PIERCE: No need to call him sir.

CHARGE D'AFFAIRES MITCHELL: Your afternoon tea is served.

AMBASSADOR PIERCE: Wonderful.

CHARGE D'AFFAIRES MITCHELL: We ran out of the shortbread cookies you like, so I made some MREs.

SECRETARY BABCOCK: Are we supposed to eat them out of those bags?

CHARGE D'AFFAIRES MITCHELL: They include a plastic spoon. This one is "chili with beans" and this is "vegetable manicotti."

AMBASSADOR PIERCE: All that in a little plastic bag? What will they think of next!

SECRETARY BABCOCK: Listen, Mitchell, do you have that report on the embassy expenditures.

CHARGE D'AFFAIRES MITCHELL: Affirmative, sir. I'll go get it.

MITCHELL EXITS.

SECRETARY BABCOCK: OK. Clearly something's up. He was wearing camoflauge just now.

AMBASSADOR PIERCE: Clyde, aren't you going to eat your vegetable manicotti?

SECRETARY BABCOCK: No. I'm not. He's up to something, I tell you. Also, my car's battery is missing, and so are the jumper cables.

MITCHELL RETURNS. HE HANDS BABCOCK A REPORT.

CHARGE D'AFFAIRES MITCHELL: I marked the overages in blue. We're on target to meet our estimated budget.

SECRETARY BABCOCK: What did you mark in red ink?

CHARGE D'AFFAIRES MITCHELL: Nothing.

SECRETARY BABCOCK: Look, right here.

CHARGE D'AFFAIRES MITCHELL: Oh, that's a bloodstain. You can ignore that.

PIERCE OPENS DESK DRAWER.

AMBASSADOR PIERCE: Say, Mitchell, here's that garroting rope you requisitioned last week. It came via the overnight pouch from Belgium.

CHARGE D'AFFAIRES MITCHELL: Thank you, sir.

SECRETARY BABCOCK: What are you going to do with that?

CHARGE D'AFFAIRES MITCHELL: Tie up some loose ends.

AN AWKWARD PAUSE.

AMBASSADOR PIERCE: And we thought you didn't have a sense of humor.