sloppy seconds

The New York Times, April 25, 2006:
HARVARD NOVELIST SAYS COPYING WAS UNINTENTIONAL
Kaavya Viswanathan, the Harvard sophomore accused of plagiarizing parts of her recently published chick-lit novel, acknowledged yesterday that she had borrowed language from another writer's books, but called the copying "unintentional and unconscious."

Here are some other suspect passages from How Opal Mehta Got Kissed, Got Wild and Got a Life:

"The three rules of the Tipping Point — the Law of the Few, the Stickiness Factor, the Power of Context — offer a way of making sense of epidemics. They provide Opal Metha with direction for how to go about reaching a Tipping Point. The balance of her application essay will take these ideas and apply them to other puzzling situations and epidemics from the world around her."

"The first thing you'll probably want to know, if you really want to hear about it, is where she was born and what her lousy high school was like, and how her parents were occupied and all before she got into Harvard, and all that Bridget Jones kind of crap, but she doesn't feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth."

"The college application process breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good students and the very gentle students and the very brave students impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too but there will be no early admission."

"Sitting beside the road, watching the wagon mount the hill toward her, Opal Metha thinks, "I have come to Harvard: a fur piece. All the way to Alabama a-driving. A fur piece.'"

"She was so deeply imbedded in her consciousness that for the first year of Harvard, Opal seems to have believed that each of her professors was her mother in disguise."

"In the beginning when Opal created her application essay, the application was a formless void and darkness covered the face of the packet, while a wind from the air conditioner swept over the face of the Poland Spring waters. Then Opal said "Let there be an essay"; and there was an essay. And Opal saw that the essay was good; and Harvard's admissions office separated the good essays from the bad. Harvard admitted the good essays, and the bad they rejected that Night. And there were rejects and there were students, the first years."

last days

The New York Times, April 20, 2006:
ROVE IS GIVING UP DAILY POLICY POST TO FOCUS ON VOTE
The overhaul of the White House staff intensified on Wednesday as Karl Rove, one of the president's most powerful and feared advisers, gave up day-to-day control over the administration's domestic policy to concentrate on the midterm elections. Scott McClellan, the White House press secretary, said he was stepping down.

INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAY

GEORGE W. BUSH, the president, is conducting an exit interview with KARL ROVE and SCOTT McCLELLAN.

BUSH
I hate to see you guys go.

McCLELLAN
As I've said before, that's not something we're going to discuss at this time.

Everybody laughs.

BUSH
You sure did have to say that a lot on my behalf.

McCLELLAN
I can't comment while there's an ongoing investigation.

ROVE
That joke's going to get old pretty fast.

BUSH
Give him a chance. He's been repeating the same phrases for years.

ROVE
Maybe it's time to change the circuitry.

McCLELLAN
I think we've already addressed that matter.

ROVE
Shut up, Scott.

ROVE opens the back panel on McCLELLAN's back and flips a switch. McCLELLAN slumps forward, accompanied by the sound effect of an android being deactivated.

BUSH
He was a robot this whole time?!?

DETECTIVE ALLEN
That's right. I checked his alibi, and it didn't hold up.

It begins to rain.

LAURA
I love you, George. I always have. I should have told you sooner.

BUSH
Wait, Laura, if you're here, who's looking after the kids?

CUT TO:

INT. WHITE HOUSE KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

BARNEY, a Scottish Terrier, is wearing an apron and serving the twins breakfast.

JENNA
Eggs again?

BARBARA
Barney!

BARNEY resigns as White House dog.

frommer's meets hudson hawk

The Guy Who Reviewed the 'Darwin' Exhibit Presents a Book Review

I just read a fascinating book that I think you're going to be hearing a lot about. It's called The Davinci Code and it's about a scavenger hunt for the Holy Grail. Now I know what you're thinking -- books are for nerds and gays. That's what I used to think. In the past, when people would ask me "What good are books for?" I'd respond "Not much, unless you're backpacking through Europe and need to know where stuff is. Or are trying to identify the nerds you want to beat up." BUT LET ME TELL YOU! This book reads just like a travel guide! Practically every other paragraph is filled with historical trivia and facts about sightseeing. The other parts are an exciting story. You'll hardly know you're reading a book at all, and you might not even want to beat up nerds when you're done!

How did I end up reading it? Well, I was laid up for a week with an infection that I won't discuss here, but let's just say it had to do with Spring Break, tequila, and gonorrhea. Anyway, I needed something to do, so I sent Gretchen to the Best Buy to get Hostel on DVD. There was some sort of mix-up that resulted in her getting kicked out of the store, so she went to Wal-Mart instead. Of course, she's still got five months before she's allowed back in the electronics department there, so she had to buy me a book instead. I'm sure glad she did!

The main character in the book is Robert Langdon, a Harvard professor. Don't worry -- this isn't one of those annoying stories where the author wastes space with a lot of insignificant details about the character's personality and life story. In fact, the only character trait Langdon has is a Mickey Mouse wristwatch that he wears. Langdon teaches at Harvard, which is great, because sometimes in the book he has flashbacks to lectures he gave at Harvard, so it's like getting a free Harvard education for the price of the book ($7.99 in paperback).

The most surprising thing about this book is that it teaches you while you read it. For instance, did you know that the church has been accused of various kinds of misconduct over the years? It's true. Or that the Mona Lisa is a famous painting in the Louvre? It's true, too. Also, all albinos are all pathologically evil people.

The author, Dan Brown, uses some neat and original tricks to keep the story flowing. One example is when he makes you think one character is the villain, when he's actually a good guy, while the guy who is actually the villain seems like he is a good guy, and you don't suspect him because he's crippled. I'm not sure if he was actually crippled, or just faking it, because they say he was involved with polo when he was a child, and I don't think someone could play a sport like that if their legs didn't work. How would he get on the horse? Another cool thing is that at the end of each chapter, there's an unanswered question and you have to read the next chapter to find out what happens next.

The first thing I thought when Gretchen brought the book home was: Great! Here's a chick book full of romantic crap like those Oprah books she's always reading (you can tell from the titles they're going to be girly: Night, The Heart Is A Lonely Hunter, Light In August, etc). But there's no sappy romance at all in The Davinci Code even though the other main character is a girl named Sophie. There's one kiss with her at the end, but I've done a lot more than that with girls I don't care about, so it probably doesn't mean anything. Plus, she's Jesus' great granddaughter, so I don't think she's even allowed to have sex.

In conclusion, you should check out this book. I hear they're making a movie of it, but you should try to read it first, so you get the full experience. There's no way they'll be able to get all the book's adjectives, adverbs, and exclamation points up there on the screen.

take a sad song and make it better

The New York Times, April 7, 2006:
IN ANCIENT DOCUMENT, JUDAS, MINUS THE BETRAYAL
An early Christian manuscript, including the only known text of the Gospel of Judas, has surfaced after 1,700 years, and it portrays Judas Iscariot not as a betrayer of Jesus but as his favored disciple and willing collaborator.

How the world would be different if the Gospel of Judas had been found earlier:

After Bob Dylan performs a triumphant electric set at Manchester's Free Trade Hall in 1966, an appreciative fan calls out "Judas!" to show his respect for Dylan's iconoclastic ways. "Thank you," Dylan replies pleasantly, before launching into a well-mannered version of "Like a Rolling Stone."

Lacking any mystical meaning, the value of 30 pieces of silver is rated against the world's precious metal market, currently about $12.62 an ounce.

Fans discover that, when played backwards, an album by the folk group Judas Priest reveals subliminal life-affirming messages that cure depression.

In his famous painting of The Last Supper, Leonardo Da Vinci portrays Jesus winking at Judas about their plan. Some scholars believe this to reveal a homo-erotic nature to their relationship, which Da Vinci adamantly denies.

In 1970, Andrew Lloyd Webber and Tim Rice compose the hit musical Jesus and Judas, Superstars, which depicts Jesus as a messy sports enthusiast and Judas as his uptight roommate.

lamarck of the beast

The New York Times, April 6, 2006:
FOSSIL CALLED MISSING LINK FROM SEA TO LAND ANIMALS
Scientists have discovered fossils of a 375-million-year-old fish, a large scaly creature not seen before, that they say is a long-sought missing link in the evolution of some fishes from water to a life walking on four limbs on land.

In light of this news, The Best of Write It Like Disaster presents:
An Idiot Reviews the ‘Darwin’ Exhibit
at the American Museum of Natural History
from February 26, 2006:

First of all, if you’re expecting a retrospective about the dolphin from the popular television series "SeaQuest DSV," or at the very least a tasteful tribute to the late actor Jonathan Brandis, then you’re in for a rude awakening at this museum.

Apparently this is exhibit is about an old scientist. I asked one of the guards, and he said it was possible the "SeaQuest" dolphin had been named after the old scientist, but he was not really familiar with the show so he could not be sure. I found it hard to believe someone would be so ignorant of the world as to not know about "SeaQuest." And believe me, I mentioned the original captain Roy Scheider AND Michael Ironside from when it was "SeaQuest 2032," and neither version rang a bell for this guy. Things were not off to a good start.

If you’re like me, your first question is: So what did this guy Darwin look like? Well, according to the stuffed dolls on sale in the gift shop, he was bald and had messy white hair, just like Alfred Einstein. But you can tell them apart because Darwin is not pictured in front of a blackboard with E=MC2 written on it it.

Oh, I almost forgot. Even though there’s no mention of "SeaQuest," there’s a lot of references to the Natasha Henstridge movie Species, which Charles Darwin apparently came up with the idea for. There aren’t any pictures or props from the film, I think because the museum couldn’t afford them. But there are a lot of pages from his notebook from when he was coming up with the movie. I don’t know if he wrote Species II or not.

At the door to the exhibit, there are two big turtles that are alive. I watched them for like an hour and they didn’t do anything. But after I came out of the exhibit, one had pooped AND moved across the floor. I was mad that I missed that!

So then you go inside and there’s a lot of stuff about Charles Darwin. First there’s stuff about him growing up, which is boring, unless you like old-timey stuff. For instance, they have his rock hammer in a glass case. Why was that there? I wondered. Did he hammer someone to death? I asked a guy with glasses, but he said he didn’t think Darwin hit anyone with the hammer. The Glasses Guy said Darwin was interested in rocks and how old the Earth was, which helped lead to his theory. I said, Why didn’t he just cut open the Earth and count the rings? The Glasses Guy laughed like I had made a very fine joke, so I pretended I had. We both had a good laugh, and I decided to keep up with him, so he could explain things to me.

Then there was a movie playing that I wanted to watch, but the glasses guy walked right past it! Before you think he’s retarded, though, it wasn’t a real movie like King Kong or King Arthur or King Ralph. It was a museum movie, so it probably sucked anyway.

Then there was a model ship. The guy said it was called The Beagle. I said that was a stupid name for a ship and if I ever had a ship I’d call it the "U.S.S. Fang Monster." The Glasses Guy looked at his watch and walked ahead some more. He was probably embarrassed that he couldn’t think up a cool ship name like I did.

Next was a bunch of fake animals from some islands called "Galapagos." I wrote it down on my hand because it was such a weird name I wanted to remember. Sometimes I write phone numbers on my hand when I don’t have paper with me and I want to call a girl later. Usually I forget and wash my hand in the shower the next day and don’t get to call her because I lost her number. One time I saw an old guy with a girl’s number tattooed on the inside of his wrist, so I thought he must have really wanted to call whoever gave him the number so bad that he was worried it would come off in the shower. I even said that to him. I said "I guess you were worried about the showers, huh?" and pointed at the number on his wrist, and he got all serious and said he had never been more terrified of anything in his life. It was weird.

Anyway: All the animals from "Galapagos" were funny looking. Glasses Guy said they had something to do with Darwin thinking it was decent of man. To be honest, I sort of stopped paying attention to him for a while here because I saw this little skeleton which turned out to be from a vampire bat. When I turned around he had left. This is where they had all of Darwin’s papers from writing the movie Species. I guess he was really ahead of his time, but looking at a bunch of papers is boring. The only cool part here was a little stuffed monkey dressed in human clothes. The sign said zoos in England used to dress up monkeys like people when Darwin was alive. That must have been cute to see, except when they throw poop at each other. Can you imagine being a stupid animal with nothing better to do than throw poop around all day? I’m glad I’m not a monkey.

This was where the museum ended, so I went back to the beginning and that was when I saw the turtles had pooped while I was inside. That was a bummer. So if you go to the Darwin exhibit, don’t go past where the two turtles are, because you might miss the chance to see them poop like I did.

I usually end my reviews with a thumbs-up or down, but if you’ve read this far, you know I didn’t really like Darwin, so thumbs are not necessary.

schieffer by the dozen

Reuters, April 5, 2006:
COURIC LEAVING "TODAY" FOR CBS NEWS
"Today" show host Katie Couric announced her departure from NBC on Wednesday to join rival CBS News and become the first sole woman anchor of a major U.S. network evening newscast.

INT. CBS PRESIDENT LESLIE MOONVES' OFFICE - DAY.

BOB SCHIEFFER enters. The temporary host of the "CBS Evening News" is walking sexily.

Les Moonves: Bob, what are you doing?

Bob Schieffer: I just came in to see how things are going.

Moonves: You're wearing a leather mini skirt.

Schieffer: I wear them from time to time.

Moonves: I've known you for years, and I've never seen you wear anything like that.

Schieffer: Well I'm wearing it now.

Moonves: That's just not a good look for you. You're 69 years old.

Schieffer: I've been feeling younger lately. Younger and hipper.

Moonves: This is about the Evening News, isn't it?

Schieffer: It's not about anything. I'm just a vibrant energetic media celebrity with remarkably sexy legs for my age.

Moonves: You're upset about Katie Couric taking over the anchor chair.

Schieffer: If I'm upset about anything, Les, it's about the tragic death of my husband from colon cancer. And, really, that just makes me a more sympathetic personality.

Moonves: Stop it.

Schieffer: Fine. Listen. Ratings have gone up since I took over. Do you really want to throw that away?

Moonves: I think it's a smart move for us.

Schieffer: The last time you tried something like this, you ended up with Letterman. It seemed smart at the time, but now Jay Leno is the king of late night.

Moonves: I guess that makes you Tom Snyder?

Schieffer: DON'T YOU EVER FUCKING CALL ME TOM SNYDER!

Moonves: That would sound a lot more intimidating if you weren't wearing Couric's skirt.

Schieffer: Yeah? Well I've got news for you, Les -- it's not Katie's skirt. I stole it from Julie Chen's dressing room at "The Early Show."

Moonves: I thought it looked familiar.

Schieffer: If you think Katie Couric's such hot shit, it must be a huge letdown for you to sleep with Julie Chen every night. After all, she's America's least favorite morning anchor woman.

Moonves: You're on real thin ice, Bob. Why don't you go for a walk and clear your head?

Schieffer: You'd probably change the locks while I'm gone.

Moonves: This doesn't have to be confrontational. There's still room for you here at CBS, at "Face the Nation" and elsewhere.

Schieffer: Don't shit on my face and tell me it's sunny.

Moonves: Now you sound like Dan Rather. Are you going to be a problem like Rather?

Schieffer: Maybe I should be a problem! Maybe I should take over Katie's old job at "Today." That would teach you chumps a lesson...

Moonves: I think NBC has other plans.

Schieffer: ...I bet I'd have got great chemistry with Matt Lauer.

Moonves: That sounds super gay.

Schieffer: Well I've got news for you, Les. It seems like you're out of touch: America loves gay people. That's why Brokeback Mountain won the Oscar.

Moonves: It didn't. Crash won.

Schieffer: Really? I didn't watch this year. What about Good Night, and Good Luck?

Moonves: It was shut out. You know why? Because nobody cares about old anchormen anymore. Including you.

Schieffer: But how can you replace me now, just when my catchphrase is about to take off?

Moonves: You've got a catchphrase?

Schieffer: Yup. I think it's going to be big. It's "I'm Bob Schieffer ... and have I got news for you!"

Moonves: That also sounds super gay.

Schieffer: I see you've got a catchphrase too. I can dig it.

Moonves: People don't say "dig" anymore.

Schieffer: PEOPLE WILL SAY WHAT I TELL THEM TO SAY! Now listen to the fucking frequency, Kenneth. I'm not going anywhere. I'll Finch it out like Network and you can suck my big anchor dick all the way to the bottom of the ratings pool. You'll be losing to The CW by the time I'm through with your sorry network. You'll have to call in the fucking CSI people to find out what happened to all your viewers.

Moonves: "CSI" is America's top-rated crime drama.

Schieffer: DON'T INTERRUPT! You won't have any time for real news because you'll be too busy showing Katie Couric's cooking segments and colonoscopies. Real classy, Les! I would never show America my colon. You know why? BECAUSE AMERICA COULDN'T HANDLE MY COLON!! You're the fucking Tiffany network, so maybe you should have listened to a Tiffany song because when I think about what could've been, it makes me want to cry. (starts singing) It could've been so beautiful! IT COULD'VE BEEN SO RIGHT! But now we'll never know what could've been ...

Moonves: Are you done?

Schieffer: (singing) ... on a cold and lonely night.

Moonves: I'm not familiar with that song.

Schieffer: It's what all the kids are listening to.

Moonves: I don't think it is.

Schieffer: The last time I listened to the radio, Dick Clark said it was a number one hit.

Moonves: When was that?

Schieffer: 1988.

Moonves: Katie Couric has listened to the radio as recently as 2004.

Schieffer: Fine. I'm going to go. And don't worry, I'll give Julie her skirt back.

Moonves: You can keep it.

Schieffer: That's probably a good idea. It's covered in my thigh sweat.

critical mass.

The New York Times, Aprl 4, 2006:
MASSACHUSETTS SETS HEALTH PLAN FOR NEARLY ALL
Massachusetts is poised to become the first state to provide nearly universal health care coverage with a bill passed overwhelmingly by the legislature Tuesday that Gov. Mitt Romney says he will sign.

Covered by the historic plan:

• Surgical jowl reduction for Sen. Edward M. Kennedy

• Microphone bandana removal for Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler

• Highly conroversial experimental cure for Manny Ramirez's tragic case of mannybeingmanningitis

• Time travelling electoral bypass procedure for Sen. John Kerry

• Career resuscitation for Ben Affleck

• Longname-pendectomy for African American scholar Henry Louis "Skip" Gates, Jr.

• Liposuction for Boston Market customers (time for you to cut down on your Spinach Artichoke Dip intake, fatty)

• Carbuncle draining for Tom and Ray Magliozzi

• Cast replacement for David E. Kelley

• Reanimation of John Adams' corpse, followed by treatment for syphilis