la dolce vita

Some captions one is unlikely to see accompanying celebrity photographs in tabloid publications:

• Dwight Yoakam unveils a painting of his cat at a gallery opening in Upper Marlboro. The cat is named Detective Whiskers.
• Jennifer Lopez teases a child with a lisp who asked for her autograph outside FAO Schwartz. In the background, Rick Schroeder sells pretzels from a cart.
• Annabeth Gish waits in line to buy a taco in Malibu.
• The late Charles S. Dutton is memorialized in this sculpture made from sugar at Hershey Park in Pennsylvania, two years from today, following his tragic death at the hands of a mongoose on the set of Pitfall: The Movie.

prays like a girl

The New York Times,June 19, 2006:
WOMAN IS NAMED EPISCOPAL LEADER
The Episcopal Church elected Bishop Katharine Jefferts Schori of Nevada as its presiding bishop on Sunday, making her the first woman to lead a church in the worldwide Anglican Communion.

A First Grade Student Critiques the Selection

• The Episcopal Church will become infested with cooties.


• She's likely to replace Jesus and Mary statues with butterflies and unicorns.


• My older brother said he made out with the Episcopal Church under the bleechers during Friday's pep rally. Ewww!

i list it at the movies

Associated Press, June 15, 2006:
'WONDERFUL LIFE' TOPS INSPIRING FILM LIST
Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life," starring James Stewart as the disillusioned George, led the American Film Institute's list of inspirational films revealed Wednesday in the group's annual top-100 TV special that aired on CBS.

Write It Like Disaster has obtained the top ranked movies of the AFI's lists for the next four years.

2007 - 100 Movies The Guy At The Video Store Pretends To Have Seen

1. Five Easy Pieces
2. The Conversation
3. Nashville
4. The Last Emperor
5. Medium Cool
6. The Last Detail
7. Birth of a Nation
8. Mean Streets
9. Tucker: A Man and His Dreams
10. Touch of Evil

2008 - 100 Least Memorable Lines

1. "I did most of my Christmas shopping." - The Godfather
2. "We're here at a bookstore." - When Harry Meet Sally
3. "Come back in an hour." - The Terminator
4. "We need to order more lumber for our lumber business." - Gone With The Wind
5. "The next planetarium show starts in 15 minutes." - Rebel Without A Cause
6. "Ooh, this is a nice table." - Casablanca
7. "There's some grapes in the refrigerator" - Goldfinger
8. "The library is closing." - Citizen Kane
9. "I wonder what's on this channel?" - Network
10. "Nice collection of plants you got here." - In the Heat of the Night

2009 - 100 Most Disappointing Movies You Rented To Masturbate To

1. The Gift
2. Swordfish
3. Closer
4. On Golden Pond
5. Bring It On
6. Birth of a Nation
7. The Waterdance
8. New York Minute
9. The Craft
10. Eyes Wide Shut

2010 - 100 Great Surprises

1. The Crying Game: She's a guy.
2. The Maltese Falcon: No jewels inside the bird.
3. Chinatown: That's her daughter AND her sister.
   
4. The Sixth Sense: Bruce Willis is a ghost.
   
5. Alien: Ian Holm is a robot.
   
6. Snow Falling On Cedars: Ethan Hawke lost an arm in the war.
7. The Empire Strikes Back: Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker's father.
8. No Way Out: Kevin Costner IS a Russian spy.
9. The Sweet Hereafter: Dad has sex with her.
10. Whatever Happened To Baby Jane?: Joan Crawford crashed the car.
    

bombers (can open bomb bays)

The New York Times, June 8, 2006:
AFTER A LONG HUNT, U.S. BOMBS THE LEADER OF AL QAEDA IN IRAQ
With the two 500-pound bombs that killed Abu Musab al-Zarqawi on Wednesday evening, American forces eliminated Al Qaeda's leader in Iraq and boosted the flagging confidence of American officials and the new Iraqi government as they moved into the fourth brutal year of warfare here.

The recent death of Abu Musab al-Zarqawi has been seamlessly interwoven into today's previously written topical jokes to make them even more topical.

• Britney Spears and husband Kevin Federline have not been photographed together in 76 days, sparking rumors that their marriage is on the rocks. A friend close to Britney says their house is such a broken home that ... you could drop two 500-pound bombs on it from a jet airplane and no one would notice.
  
• After a recent plastic surgery makeover, singer Ashlee Simpson is now so unrecognizable that ... you'd need fingerprints to identify her bloodied corpse if you found amidst the ruins of a burned down building north of Baghdad.
• Pixar's latest animated film "Cars" opens nationwide today and is expected to be well-received everywhere ... except in Haditha where cars are harbingers of bloodshed and chaos.
• Soccer fans around the world are preparing for the World Cup. Although the sport is growing in popularity in the U.S., it does not yet cause Americans the feverish excitement that it brings to Europeans, where fans and hooligans are sometimes so violent that people end up leaving the stands on stretchers ... from which they might try to escape before being re-secured and mumbling something indistinguishable and very short.

the flag snaps in the glare and silence of the unbroken ice

The Washington Post, June 7, 2006:
TERRORISM ALLEGATIONS DETAILED IN CANADA
Suspects arrested last weekend in an alleged terrorism plot planned to storm the Canadian Parliament and hold politicians hostage, and at least one wanted to behead the prime minister if demands to withdraw Canada's troops from Afghanistan were not met, according to a summary of prosecutors' allegations read in court Tuesday.

Police became suspicious when one of the men entered a Bed, Bath and Beyond and asked an employee in the home furnishings, "Will this knife cut through a prime minister's head?"

you be illin'

The Washington Post, June 5, 2006:
MEDICAL PRIVACY LAW NETS NO FINES
In the three years since Americans gained federal protection for their private medical information, the Bush administration has received thousands of complaints alleging violations but has not imposed a single civil fine and has prosecuted just two criminal cases.

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