the beer of living dangerously

Reuters, July 31, 2006:
'DESPICABLE' WORDS COULD TAINT GIBSON
Mel Gibson has apologized for acting "completely out of control" during his recent confrontation with Los Angeles County sheriff's deputies, but he may have trouble living down anti-Semitic comments that he allegedly made at the time.

Ancient Jewish plot to invent alcohol finally yields fruit.

lower broadway and you're talking to a ghost

THEATER REVIEW

Millions of Pages and Miles of Books, But Little to Say

Intellectual dead ends, pretentious theories and wasted lives are explored in a well-staged production that opened last night at The Strand. Using a minimal number of actors and a monolithic set consisting of four large bookshelves, "Empty Lives," powerfully captures the meaningless dialogue between two bookstore employees, allowing the audience to witness the mesmerizing effects of too much reading and not enough socializing.

Structured, for the most part, like Beckett's "Endgame," "Empty Lives" features two men behind the counter of what appears to be a large urban bookstore. The real substance of the play is dialogue between the two -- little effort is made to create the illusion that they are actual employees interacting with customers. For one thing, even the most aggressive shopper would have trouble finding an entry point into the conversation, given the rapid flow of words from the first clerk's mouth (the characters are never named). When a customer finally appears, late in the second act, his query is quickly dismissed and used as a launching pad for another monologue from he first clerk.

As the curtain opens, the first and second clerk are in the middle of a discussion about Marxism. Both actors are addressing their comments to the audience rather than to each other. The first clerk does the bulk of the talking throughout the piece, while the second adds intermittent comments to highlight how little the first clerk actually knows. The actor playing the first clerk has a dynamic vocal range, managing to sound like a fat 40-year-old with potato chip pieces on his t-shirt, while in actuality he is a slender 30-year-old. The playwright makes use of repetition to clarify main points and convey the sameness of the men's lives. "Listen to me. I've read hundreds of book about Marx. Literally hundreds," the first clerk tells us, before criticizing a theorist the second clerk has mentioned.

The outside world rarely intrudes into the bookstore's world. Just before the intermission, we hear about a third employee who hasn't shown up for work in two days, presumably because he is engaged in intimacies with his new girlfriend. The clerks quickly skirt the issue and the contrast between their proclaimed expertise on Karl Marx and their clear lack of knowledge about interactions between living human beings is stark, without being explicitly mentioned.

The sound design deserves special recognition. Although the clerks never leave their counter near the fiction section, they can be clearly heard as far away as the history specials table near the entrance. Given the number of bookshelves that should muffle the sound, this is no small technical feat.

Act II begins with the customer's appearance, the only real misstep in the night. The actor asks for a book so quietly that none of the the audience can hear him. Luckily, last night the actor playing the first clerk rephrased the request loud enough for the audience to hear. It would be a shame for future audiences to miss out on the customer's book inquiry, since it is the subject of the next 20 minutes of the play. "Hesse? You can walk over there to the fiction section ... and then be disappointed when you don't find it," the first clerk tells the customer. The clerk then launches into a monologue about the difficulties of finding Herman Hesse books in the modern world. "People rarely sell their Hesse books," he tell the audience. "Of course, I've managed to find a few. I have a couple copies of that one at home," he says, referring to the obscure title the customer asked about. The tantalizing possibility that the customer might end up with one of those copies is never addressed. As the customer leaves, the first clerk explains to the second clerk why Hesse is rarely in stock. "He's only the greatest writer of the Twentieth Century," he says. "You've read all his books?" asks the second clerk. "Two of them," the first clerk replies. "And two by Scott Fitzgerald, the other great writer of the Twentieth Century." "Scott Fitzgerald," echoes the second clerk, a repetition that contrasts with the hundreds of books on Marx the clerk told us he had read in Act I.

The work ends with a discussion of employee buyouts, although it is not clear whether the clerks are talking about a program at their store or somewhere else. The first clerk suggests he would have helped prevent a friend from getting a raw deal if he had been around. Although it is unspoken, the audience can only assume he was so busy reading Marxist books at home that he had no time to attend his friend's union hearing. The second clerk suggests their friend can make some money buy selling some rare books he has collected over the years. With that, we leave the men in their building full of old books, some valuable, some not, but pretty much all unread.

EMPTY LIVES
Directed and written in collaboration with the store employees at The Strand, based on their experiences; The Strand, 828 Broadway (at 12th St.); 212-473-1452. Open engagement. Running time: 60 minutes.

it takes two to make a thing go right

The Washington Post, July 27, 2006:
STEELE ADDRESSES NEGATIVE COMMENTS ON BUSH
On Monday, he didn't want President Bush campaigning for him. Yesterday, he called the president "my homeboy" and more than welcomed Bush to Maryland.

Lt. Gov. Michael S. Steele's awkward dance with the media and the White House continued after the publication of quotes in which the U.S. Senate hopeful, speaking anonymously, had distanced himself from the president and his party.

Write It Like Disaster's Conversion Guide For Urban Politicians Atoning For Negative Comments Leaked to Press

Find your negative comment on the left and discover which positive comment on the right will make up for it.

What You Said in Interview	Urban Compliment To Put Things Right
"... a monumental failure of government."	my homeboy, you know
"...his signing statements provide loopholes that make accountability a joke..."	he's off the hook, son
"...his inept dealings with Pakistan and Iran allowed A.Q. Khan's nuclear secrets to spread irresponsibly..."	that prez is da' bomb
"...certainly leaves a lot to be desired, intellectually."	his shit is dope, y'all
"...arrogant refusal to view both sides of an issue."	he got much respect, no doubt
"...secret prisons and Guantanamo Bay deny the liberties that make our country great."	we got it tight as hell in that bitch
"... is entirely beholden to the limited interests of the conservative base."	he a'ight
"... outrageous use of wire-tapping and unapproved surveillance methods to investigate law-abiding citizens."	mad props to my peeps

proof is the bottom line for everyone

The New York Times, July 26, 2006:
WHITE HOUSE BILL PROPOSES SYSTEM TO TRY DETAINEES
Legislation drafted by the Bush administration setting out new rules on bringing terror detainees to trial would allow hearsay evidence to be introduced unless it was deemed “unreliable” and would permit defendants to be excluded from their own trials if necessary to protect national security, according to a copy of the proposal.

Also to be allowed:

• Fingerprint 'guestimates' in lieu of actual matches
  
• Cocktail napkin drawings depicting defendants plotting terrorist acts
  
• Taunting witnesses by holding dead frogs from biology class near their face
  
• Marisa Tomei's testimony as vintage car expert
• Judges pretending not to hear "not" when detainees plead "not guilty," and immediately agreeing that they are guilty
  

slow earner

A very small portion of the Internet was abuzz last week when a user claiming to be Thomas Pynchon posted a blurb to the description of his forthcoming book on Amazon.com. When the blurb disappeared the next day, readers wondered whether it had actually been submitted by the reclusive Pynchon, or was a hoax along the lines of the Wanda Tinasky letters. Pynchon has since been confirmed as the blurb's author, and his book, Against the Day will be released in December.

In the meantime, eager-eyed web readers have found these other pieces they wish to attribute to Mr. Pynchon, who, in addition to the major novels V., Gravity's Rainbow, and Mason & Dixon, has previously authored liner notes for indie rock band Lotion and offered notes on the script of an episode of "The John Laroquette Show."

eBay: Seller's description of Cuisinart 480z 6 Speed 500Watt Blender (Condition: Used):
Who sez you can't chop vegetables? Certainly not the next owner of this fine machine. It's a doozy, and at this price, a bargain to boot. Somewhere in the distance you can hear the celery screaming across the refrigerator, but it is too late: the food processing has begun. Don your chef's hat and grab that whisk, boys, folks will enjoy your summer soup, a.k.a. "Gazpacho," your pulverized parsley, and your minced almonds a la mode. Good luck.

Flickr: caption, photograph of wet puppy on a couch:
The dog sits on the sofa. Some would call it a love seat or sectional. The chair doesn't much care either way, and the emotions of its visitors have little effect on the wood, the wool, and the springs inside, this piece of furniture having seen far more in its lifetime than most of its guests could imagine. It remembered a night in Mexico City...

Us Magazine website, user comment, blog entry: Whose Video is Hotter - Ashlee's or Jessica's?:
[excerpt] ...quite as sleezy, what?" Dorita Coolranch answered with a flick of her wrist. "But you have to admit her latest video is better." The clock struck fourteen and the gong commenced its vibration. "C'mon, Ernie, lets get going," Dorita said. Ernest "Camp" Hayvurn chucked his bottle and grabbed for his guitar. To the Sailor's Moon Cafe, then... CHAPTER 4: IN WHICH ASHLEE GETS A NOSE JOB: Schoenmaker first made two incisions, one on either side through the internal lining of the nose, near the septum at the lower border of the side cartilage...

exceptional

The New York Times, July 23, 2006:
GROUP OBJECTS TO BUSH'S 'SIGNING STATEMENTS'
The American Bar Association said Sunday that President Bush was flouting the Constitution and undermining the rule of law by claiming the power to disregard selected provisions of bills that he signed.

Historians have recently uncovered these other previously unknown signing statements from history.

John Kennedy, Executive Order 10924 (establishing Peace Corps), 1961:
*For clarity’s sake, when this act refers to "the globe," it is speaking of the planet Earth and not my enormous head.

Franklin Roosevelt, United States Executive Order 9066 (authorizing internment of Japanese-Americans), 1942:
*This does not apply to Nips in wheelchairs – they have it tough enough as it is.

William Howard Taft, Payne-Aldrich Tariff Act, 1909:
*These higher tariff rates shall not apply to food products dedicated to consumption by the President of the United States, signatory to this act. Additionally, a copy of this law shall be transcribed onto the side of a lamb shank, which the President will then eat with delicious barbecue sauce.

Abraham Lincoln, Emancipation Proclamation, 1862:
*I reserve the right to force into slavery any douchebag that calls my wife ugly or shoots me.

Franklin Pierce, Kansas-Nebraska Act, 1854:
*If anyone has a better idea for how to handle this, please let me know. (You can reach me by post at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave, Washington, D.C. I would provide my zip code, but it has not yet been invented.)

John Adams, Alien and Sedition Acts, 1798:
*Unto the Condtions set out above– Is added this Decree – Henceforth shall the Vice President be regarded as an Ass –Who may lick my scrotal Regions – If the Man can find a Moment in which he is not engaged with one of his Slaves.

ghostwriting

M. Night Shyamalan's Improved Endings for Timeless Tales

Chinatown (screenplay originally by Robert Towne)

WALSH

Forget it, Jake. It's Chinatown.

GITTES

Chinatown? I don't understand.

WALSH

It's Chinatown, Jake. And you're Chinese.
You've always been Chinese.

CUT TO:

We see a montage of earlier scenes flash before us, this time we are able to grasp the fact that eluded us before - Jake eating General Tso's Chicken while on stake-out, Jake playing with chopsticks as he talks to Evelyn, Jake pruning a bonsai tree, Jake working at a dry-cleaner's at the beginning of the film...

CUT TO:

EXT. STREET - CONTINUOUS WITH BEFORE

Jake realizes Walsh is right - he is Chinese and always has been.

GITTES
I'm so solly. So solly.

Absalom! Absalom (novel originally by William Faullkner)

"Now I just want you to tell me one more thing. Why do you hate the South?"

“‘I dont hate it,’ Quentin said, quickly, at once, immediately; ‘I dont hate it,’ he said. I dont hate it he thought, panting in the cold iron New England dark: I dont. I dont! I dont hate it! I dont hate it!”

He couldnt hate it, just like he couldnt hate anything, because he was an android.

The Book of Matthew (originally by the prophet Matthew)

¹ After the Sabbath, at dawn on the first day of the week, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary went to look at the tomb.

² There was a violent earthquake, for an angel of the Lord came down from heaven and, going to the tomb, rolled back the stone and sat on it. ³ His appearance was like lightning, and his clothes were white as snow. ⁴ The guards were so afraid of him that they shook and became like dead men.

⁵ The angel said to the women, "Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. ⁶ He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay. ⁷ Then go quickly and tell his disciples: 'He has risen from the dead and is going ahead of you into Galilee. There you will see him.' Now I have told you."

⁸ So the women hurried away from the tomb, afraid yet filled with joy, and ran to tell his disciples. ⁹ Suddenly Jesus met them. Pulling off a mask, he shouted "Woe unto thee who hath wronged me, for I am a super man among men." ¹⁰ But also, he sayeth "Keep that water away from me, for I am allergic to it."

in love & trouble

Associated Press, July 17, 2006:
OPRAH SAYS SHE, FRIEND GAYLE KING NOT GAY
Oprah Winfrey and her friend Gayle King want to be clear: they're not gay. In the August issue of O, the Oprah Magazine, the talk-show host explains that some people misunderstand her close friendship with King.

For instance, on a scale of one to 10, where one is not gay and 10 is totally gay, Oprah reports she and King are a solid 4.

And if she and Gayle King were in room full of people and someone came on the intercom systems saying "Everyone in this room who is gay please raise your and," neither she nor Gayle King would raise their hands.

Also, Oprah claimed, if she was walking on the beach and she saw that a ship full of Pulitzer Prize winning African-American female authors was sinking, and she only had time to rescue one passenger, and therefore had to decide between Alice Walker (The Color Purple) and Toni Morrison (Beloved), she would save Morrison, who is 100 percent heterosexual and a Nobel Laureate, before she saved the bisexual Nobel-less Walker.

nips and krauts off the hook this time

To Do List for remaining days before World War III:

1. Take CPR and karate lessons.
2. Replace items in Y2K emergency kit depleted during 2003 blackout.
3. Apologize to gun-owning downstairs neighbor for that loud Super Bowl party he complained about.
4. Look up online recipes for cooking squirrel meat.
5. Return paperback copy of The English Patient borrowed from girl in 1996.
6. Find pedestrian entrance to Triboro bridge.
7. Clean stove-top and counter.
8. Make "War Grooves 06" playlist for iPod.
9. Exchange coin collection for paper money at Commerce Bank.
10. Practice pronouncing "Hezbollah" in shower for conversational purposes.
11. Stop reading The Atlantic Monthly.
12. Finish watching Mickey Blue Eyes and return it to Netflix so I'll have time for them to send me Miami Rhapsody before I am shipped off to boot camp.
13. Brush up on words to 'Hail Mary' and 'Our Father.'
14. Purchase Ikea desk underneath which to duck and cover.
15. Admit to friends that I think Beck is overrated.
16. Dig ploughshare out of coat closet and see if it can be turned back into sword. (If not, purchase sword.)

friedman rock

A transcript follows.

Let's get today's chat started.

Our guest is acclaimed author Thomas L. Friedman, author of "The World Is Flat" and "The Lexus and the Olive Tree." He first came to my attention as the author of 1989's "From Beirut to Jerusalem," a National Book Award winner. As an expert on globalization and the Middle East, he should offer some interesting insights into today's increasingly volatile international situation.

---

Thomas L. Friedman: Hey everyone, good to be here.

---

Raleigh, NC: Fried -

I hope that you've gotten a lot of messages like this, but I think the Friedman Rock crew should collectively pour a sip on the ground for Syd Barrett. Thanks.

Thomas L. Friedman: I'm not sure what you're talking about, but thanks for joining us.

---

Washington, D.C.: How sad and ironic that Syd Barret died on the same day Pink Floyd released the long-awaited Pulse DVD. Even though he was never an integral part of the band's success. His much-publicized influence on the band has never been properly credited. Without Syd, my favorite Floyd album, "Wish You Were Here," never happens.

I'm sure Gilmour and the boys will send all of the profits from this latest release to his estate. They have been compensating his estate since he left.

Thomas L. Friedman: I think you may have logged into the wrong chat.

---

Takoma Park, Md.: So, what do you like for R and B this summer.

I caught Van Hunt opening for the Heavies this weekend and WHOA!

I picked up Omar's new release, "Sing...if you want it" from the UK. Great stuff.

Tough for a guy raised in the 80's on quality funk and R&B to find music today. Everybody is following, not enough people stretching out.

Thomas L. Friedman: You mentioned the UK. It will be interesting to see how their policy shifts in a post-Blair government.

---

national cathedral: What's up with Fugazi? Are they still together, they have not done the Fort Reno thing is ages. I am from here but lived over seas most of my life and missed most of their very active years. Any news?

thanks I love these chats

Thomas L. Friedman: An overseas guest! Welcome to the chat. It's clear that even in the world of online discussions, globalism is making its presence known. The Internet makes this sort of cross-ocean conversation possible. I am not sure who Fugazi is.

Let's shift the discussion over to Middle East topics.

---

Atlanta, Ga.: This down year in music will certainly pick up on August 22nd. That's the day that Outkast's "Idlewild" will drop.

Thomas L. Friedman: Seriously, does anyone have any questions about the Middle East?

---

Whither the Long Golden Mohawk?: Have there been any Sly Stone sightings since the Grammys?

Thomas L. Friedman: I am not sure. I will point out that the Grammys have added more world music categories recently, and even given over a separate awards show to the Latin Grammys.

I'd love to talk about the current geopolitical climate.

---

Truth or Consequences, NM: Nothing to say about the Thom Yorke album?

Thomas L. Friedman: No.

---

Bethesda, Md.: rest in peace syd Barrett,

I had heard rumors that Syd was not in the best of health, wonder if this will spur the rest of the band to do a concert....?

Thomas L. Friedman: The tech guru running this chat tells me that the band in question is Pink Floyd, who played at the Live 8 concerts arranged to coincide with the G8 summit last year.

There's an interesting discussion to be had regarding debt relief and globalism if anyone wants to talk about it.

---

Glen Ellyn, Ill.: Mr. Friedman,

Have you joined Jay-Z's Cristal boycott yet? I'm thinking of going back to Rolling Rock myself.

Thomas L. Friedman: I read about this boycott in The Economist. Unfortunately I'm no expert on hip hop music. No takers on the globalism/debt-relief discussion?

---

Arlington, Va.: TLF, I must commend you on your recommendations. I took a chance on Gnarls Barkley a couple of months ago and after last week, I downloaded LDN. Both songs have since made my Mix CD Of The Summer. What else do you recommend these days?

By the way, I promise to properly attribute any listeners' amazement and delight in my car to you, but I can't promise any royalties.

Thomas L. Friedman: The books on tape version of "The World Is Flat" is great listening for the commute.

I'm not familiar with the other music you mention. Perhaps you have me confused with someone else?

---

Cash: Hey Friedman,

Got the new Cash CD and it is really good. One of the best is a Springsteen tune which I don't think ever appeared on a Bruce CD.

Rather depressing for the younger folk but for an old guy like me (49), it really hit the spot......

Thomas L. Friedman: Well, I do know who Johnny Cash and Bruce Springsteen are. Unfortunately, I have not heard the most recent Cash CD. In fact, I thought he passed away some time ago. Does he really have a new CD?

At 49, you are not old!

There's some serious stuff happening in the Middle East. Let's talk about it.

---

Speaking of "The Boss".....: Rage Against The Machine's "The Ghost of Tom Joad" and video of the song totally rock. -sigh- Too bad they're not still around.

Thomas L. Friedman: Nobody expected Ariel Sharon's Kadima party to survive after his stroke, but Olmert has done a good job of keeping it together. Of course, some suggest his lack of hardline military experience means he must make concessions to strong defense elements of the government in order to maintain power. The flare up in Gaza (and now Lebanon) might derail his plans for a unilateral West Bank pull out.

---

Silver Spring, Md.: Do you like Trance/Electronica music (like Paul Oakenfold, Sasha, Paul Van Dyk)?

Thomas L. Friedman: I was in Beirut during its last period of violence, as discussed in my book "From Beirut to Jerusalem." They recently made steps towards independence from the interfering hands of Syria after the assassination of Rafik Hariri, but much of that progress seems lost now.

---

More fun in the new world....: Henry Rollins is touring with X! Are you going to the 930 Club on 8/15? Will you bootleg the show for me? (I keed, I keed.)

Thomas L. Friedman: Last chance for anyone who wants to discuss the Middle East...

---

Rage....: I love their cover and live performance with Cypress Hill on "How I Could Just Kill A Man." Cypress Hill is one of the best rap groups of all time. Or at least through their first 3-4 albums.

Thomas L. Friedman: You assholes are wasting an incredible opportunity. I am a fucking genius on globalism.

---

Washington, D.C.: Lily Allen's latest album is available on her myspace page. I am listening to it now. Not bad.

End of transcript.

from russia with [redacted]

The Washington Post, July 13, 2006:
PUTIN WILL HOST G-8 IN RUSSIA UNDER EVER TIGHTER CONTROL
Six years into the presidency of Vladimir Putin, who will host President Bush and other leaders of the industrial world at a summit this weekend, political freedom is severely constrained in Russia.

Hello you friends of my man! Erik has been asked me to fill in his blog entry this day. I am being the author of Russian blog "Red Mocktober" which is for being jokes about the present world and culture.

Erik say to write of discussing speech in my country. For examples, when has my blog been being shut down by the State? Often times has this happening. But for why my entries? The most commonest problem is making poked fun at President Putin. It is not funny, for instances, to call him a "thug." On the time, I made a list of ways he improved Russia but the list was short as to be the joke. Next day I find my dog is dead.

Or to mention the place "Chechnya" is being bad. Sometimes I wrote a fictionary story of my vacation to Chechnya. First is to joke that Chechnya is notthe good vacation target. Next is to pretend that I was conscript in Russian army without realization it. See the under paragraph for talking about conscription. Next part being the rating of Chechnya vacation on scale of hand grenades. Finally pictures of my trip actually soldiers dead in streets.

In my country for army conscription the poor people must join army and rich people do not have to unlike your country. Then to do unpleasant work in army are forced to do. When many children die, the mothers complain and I say satirical piece of good benefits of conscription. Sometime to joke comparing "conscription" with "constipation."

What is safe to say while blogger? Always funny is Yakov Smirnov reference, who is like your Gallagher comedian or Carrot Head. Also difference between black Russians and white Russians. Like examples: "White Russians wait in line for bread like this 'Oh I would please have bread,' and Black Russians say 'Shit, fool, I want to be having bread now.' Or when the secret police kidnap White Russians they say 'Pardon me, I am a citizen of Belarus.' And the kidnappd Black Russians are to say 'Yo, homeboy, I am citizen of Belarus, wassup with you?'"

Sometimes a good funny is to pretend something has to been censored and the good part is missing. For examples "I haven't [CENSORED] my wife since 1992 when cold Siberian winter froze her [CENSORED] shut. Is OK, I [CENSORED] Chernobyl orphans instead." Most readers are not thinking to say "fed" and "refrigerator."

But Russia is not as good for blog as USA. I make no money for write the blog, and very few comrades read it. When is the day I come to America and publish my blog so all the world will read it and I getting paid by lots of friends. Such is the good days.

bad company

The Washington Post, July 12, 2006:
ARMY TO END EXPANSIVE, EXCLUSIVE HALLIBURTON DEAL
The Army is discontinuing a controversial multibillion-dollar deal with oil services giant Halliburton Co. to provide logistical support to U.S. troops worldwide, a decision that could cut deeply into the firm's dominance of government contracting in Iraq.

Most Successful Burtons:

1. Tim Burton
2. Sir Richard Burton
3. Halliburton
4. Richard Burton
5. LeVar Burton
6. Burton Reynolds
7. Bert and Ernie (phonetic Burton)
8. "Beast of Burton" - The Rolling Stones (1978)
9. tie - Cliff Burton / Jason Newstead

dark dividends

Reuters, July 5, 2006:
US INTERCEPTORS WERE READY FOR N. KOREAN MISSLES
The United States for the first time confirmed on Wednesday that it had readied its missile interceptors to meet a specific threat -- North Korea's launch of a long-range missile said to be capable of reaching Alaska.

The Upside For Alaska:

• The constant daylight of a northern summer means you will get a good view of the Korean missles that destroy you no matter what time of day they are launched.
• Your impending obliteration will be cherished by the Latino community as it paves the way for Puerto Rican statehood.
• The folly of William Seward shall finally be proved beyond a doubt.
• The Trans-Alaska Pipeline System will help spread the fiery inferno throughout the state, ensuring a democratic distribution of death and suffering.
• Danger of being killed by flying chunks of ice when Korean ICBMs detonate is lessened by recent global warming trends.
• The multi-million dollar Ted Stevens International Ballistic Target Facility in Fairbanks will no longer be considered frivolous pork-barrel government spending.
• Domination by Asian armies is old hat after having been partially conquered by Japan during World War II. I'm looking in your direction, islands of Attu, Agattu, and Kiska.

american tune

The Declaration of Independence as compiled via Mad Libs by five students of different ages:

1. FIRST GRADER:
   When in the Circus of human lasers, it becomes silly for one people to dissolve the smelly bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the poopheads of the earth, the ugly and stupid station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's hot dog entitle them, a decent respect to the elbows of mankind requires that they should fart the causes which impel them to the toy stores.
   
2. SEVENTH GRADER:
   We hold these dildos to be self-evident, that all fags are created equal, that they are endowed by their Stacy is a slut with certain unalienable titties, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of blowjobs. --That to secure these rights, cockrings are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the stupid Pollocks, --That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Scrotum of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its penthouses on such principles and organizing its pubic hairs in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and blowjobs. Prudence, indeed, will scream while fucking that Governments long established should not be changed for hairy and gay causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that goats having sex are more disposed to suffer, while handjobs are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the pink tacos to which they are accustomed. But when a long orgy of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same orgasm evinces a design to reduce them under absolute mirrored ceilings, it is their right, it is their duty, to jerk off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security. —Such has been the lame sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the [left blank] which constrains them to alter their former [left blank] of [left blank]. The history of the present [left blank] is a history of repeated [left blank]and usurpations, all having in direct [left blank]the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these [left blank]. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid fag.
   
3. LIBERAL ARTS COLLEGE SOPHOMORE:
   He has refused his Assent to Guggenheim museums, the most methodical and necessary for the public good.
   
   M.C. Escher has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of tangential and sympathetic importance, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to defenestrate to them.
   
   Trey Anastasio has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of vegans, unless those people would relinquish the right of Representation in the sucky corporate Starbucks, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.
   
   George Eliot has called together legislative bodies at fraternities rape unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their public Records, for the sole purpose of stoning them into compliance with his measures.
   
   Jean Baudrillard has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the iPods of the people.
   
   Wes Anderson has refused for a long time, after such drum circles, to cause others to be elected; whereby the Legislative powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the sheep at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of parents from hometowns, and convulsions within.
   
   Jonathan Safran Foer has endeavoured to prevent the population of these George W. Bush sucks; for that purpose obstructing the meat is murder for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to ultimate frisbee others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.
   
   [this page removed to roll marijuana joint]
   
   Todd has combined with todd to subject us to a todd foreign to our constitution and unacknowledged by our Todds; giving his Assent to their Todd of pretended Legislation:
   
4. GRADUATE STUDENT, COLONIAL AMERICAN HISTORY:
   For Quartering large bodies of armed troops among us:
   
   For protecting them, by a mock Trial, from punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these States:
   
   For cutting off our Trade with all parts of the world:
   
   For imposing Taxes on us without our Consent:
   
   For depriving us, in many cases, of the benefits of Trial by Jury:
   
   For transporting us beyond Oceans to be tried for pretended offences:
   
   For abolishing the free System of English Laws in a neighbouring Province, establishing therein an Arbitrary government, and enlarging its Boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these Colonies:
   
   For taking away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws, and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments:
   
   For suspending our own Legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.
   
   He has abdicated Government here, by declaring us out of his Protection and waging War against us.
   
   He has plundered our seas, ravaged our Coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.
   
   He is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to compleat the works of death, desolation and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty and perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized nation.
   
   He has constrained our fellow Citizens taken Captive on the high Seas to bear Arms against their Country, to become the executioners of their friends and Brethren, or to fall themselves by their Hands.
   
   He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages, whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.
   
   In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms:
   
5. SENIOR ENROLLED IN CONTINUING EDUCATION SEMINAR AT SACRED HEART ASSISTED LIVING CENTER:
   Our repeated I don't understand have been I only by repeated Marge, do I write something here?. A Prince whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a what time is Shirley coming?, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.
   
   Nor have We been I told you I already took them in attentions to our British brethren. We have warned them from time to time of I SAID I ALREADY TOOK THEM by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have I don't know where yours are to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the didn't you leave them in the bathroom? of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our The bathroom? and No, I said 'the BATHROOM!'. They too have been turn your hearing aid back on to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. What time did you say Shirley is coming? must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of I can't eat fish any more, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.
   
   We, therefore, the Dr. What's his name said I shouldn't eat fish of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the you know, the Indian one with the eyebrows of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by the Authority of the good People of these Dr. Koolwal, that's it, solemnly publish and declare, That these United Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent I said 'DR. KOOLWAL'; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the well if you knew, why didn't you tell me? I was trying to think up his name, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally That might be Shirley; and that as Free and Independent I'm trying to do that book Joe sent us, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to Joe, Mary's son, Joe, the one who plays soccer all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. And for the support of this Shirley, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Marge's hearing aid isn't working, we mutually pledge to each other my wife Marge, our Fortunes and our sacred she's in the bathroom, Shirley. I can't eat fish.