an artist of the floating world

Interview With:
Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade Balloon Inflation Expert


Q: So, you are responsible for the big balloons at the parade?
A: Yes.

Q: Did you see that Michael Richards video?
A: I sure did! What a crazy racist!

Q: Thanks for taking the time to talk with us.
A: No problem.

misgivings

Rarely Seen Thanksgiving Episodes

Friends: "The One With the Black Guy" - Chandler and Ross invite one of their best friends from college to spend Thanksgiving with the gang. The friend, Rashid, is the first African American that Rachel has ever met. While Monica prepares dinner, Rachel hides all her valuables in fear. Once dinner is served, however, Rachel gets to know Rashid as a person and realizes the error of her ways. She promises to hang out with Rashid more frequently. (After this episode, Rashid is never seen again.) Meanwhile, Phoebe works at a soup kitchen where she is mistaken for a crazy homeless person.

Lost: "Bird Is The Word" - In this first season episode, which was mysteriously omitted from the DVD set, a wild turkey appears on the island and the crash survivors try to hunt it down for food. In a series of flashbacks, the turkey remembers growing up on a Kansas poultry farm before escaping captivity and sneaking onto a merchant marine vessel bound for Australia. The first mate on that ship was Sawyer. Back in the present day, Locke's hunting party finally corners the bird near a cave. Just as Sawyer is hurling a spear at the turkey, he makes eye contact with the bird and recognizes it. "Don't kill me," it squawks as the spear impales it, "I have something important to tell you." Then it dies. End credits roll.

Anything But Love: "Salmonella Is Coming to Town" - Jules cost cuts on a holiday dinner for the homeless, with sickening results. When Hannah convinces Marty to go all out for Christmas, she gets the idea that he has, by getting a new apartment for them. (NOTE: There is nothing controversial or out-of-character for this episode. It rarely seen only because the series Anything But Love is hardly ever watched.)

Felicity: "The Season" - In her American studies history seminar, Felicity discovers the tragic history of Native Americans in the United States. That night, after going to sleep, she travels through time to the 1480s and warns them of the coming European hordes. They thank her for the message, but as she is preparing to leave, she catches Pocohantas making out with Ben. Later, she sends smoke signals to Sally One Feather about her feelings. When she wakes up in the present, she tells Ben how she feels.

Larry King Live: "November 15, 1997" - During an interview with celebrity chef Emeril Lagasse, Emeril tells King he loves cooking for Thanksgiving. King replies, "Wonderful holiday. As American as apple pie and the gulag." A confused Emeril asks if King meant "gulasch," which, while not American, is at least a food product. "I'm sorry," replies King. "That was my mistake. I meant to say culottes."

brand rarities

Failed James Bond 007 Series Titles:

• Yesterday Is Adequate For Now
• Goldschlager
• Surrender Twice For Forever
• Silence Is Golden, But So Is Murder
• The Spy Ate A Delicious Cobb Salad
• Permission For Mayhem Revoked
• MagicEye
• Tomorrow Maybe The Day After
• On Her Majesty
• Melancholy Daylight
• Kill To Die Murderously
• Never Underwear Brown
• Slot Machine Deluxe
• F*ckmonger

reader, i buried him

As Write It Like Disaster approaches its one-year anniversary, it seemed like a good time to answer some reader inquiries we've received:

Q: What ever happened to that racist woman at your laundromat?
A: She died.

Q: What is the current rate of how much you miss Alan Greenspan?
A: +3.20 % since January 30, 2006

Q: How did Kenneth Lay respond to your letter offering free legal advice?
A: He died.

Q: Has the idiot who reviewed the Darwin exhibit at the American Museum of Natural History visited any other museums?
A: The idiot replies: "Yes. I saw a collection of chocolate covered raisins that looked like celebrities at Hershey Park. It was pretty cool, except that they wouldn't let you eat any of them. Also, I had never heard of many of the celebrities the raisins were supposed to look like. If I was in charge, it would have cool and funny ones like Raisin Liotta in GoodFellas or one dressed up as president Ronald Raisin saying 'Win one for the goober.'"

Q: Didn't you promise the blog was going to have an April Fool's Day prank?
A: The prank was that there was no prank. And you've been waiting for it this whole time! I got you good.
Q: Yeah, you got me pretty good. But I'm not falling for it next year.
A: I've got something even better lined up for next year.
Q: We'll just see about that.
A: Got you again!
Q: Damn.

Q: What's your fascination with George Eliot?
A: She's hot.

Q: Why did you abandon James Salter's Light Years?
A: It did not contain enough useful PHP scripts or MySQL documentation.

Q: Why wasn't the June blog entry about squirrels playing the World Cup more popular?
A: The jokes about the squirrel soccer tournament were just too sophisticated for many readers, like NBC's series "Studio 60."

Q: How come your blog doesn't feature as many short plays as it did back in April?
A: (perplexed) I don't know. Maybe in the future...

Q: Listen, if you happen to see Ernest --
A: He died.

Q shrugs and hands A his suitcase. A takes a look around, then EXITS.

End of Act I.

make you feel better

Unconventional ways to cheer up your friend in the hospital:

• Secretly puncture bottom of bedpan belonging to patient in the neighboring bed.
• Replace pens used by doctors and nurses with ones that use disappearing ink.
• Grow a long beard. Then visit friend and begin acting out scene from movie version of "The Fugitive" where Harrison Ford cuts off his beard in the hospital room sink. Loudly declare, "I didn’t kill my wife!" and "Get off my plane!"
• Purchase a priest’s costume from a Halloween store having a post-Halloween sale, and then administer last rites to deathbed patients throughout the hospital. Because you are not actually a priest, the annointing of the sick will not be valid in the eyes of the church and the patients will be denied access to the Kingdom of Heaven. After they have died, let their families in on the secret.
• Every time your friend’s meal is brought to him, tell the nursing staff that "I'll have what he’s having" but make it sound as sexual as possible.
• Sign your friend’s cast with a cheery message from a terrible despot like Slobodan Milosevic, Idi Amin, or Pol Pot.
• Bring a heavy sheet of plexiglass with you and place it between you and your friendin the hospital bed. Then use your cell phone to call him and talk to him as if you are visiting him in prison. Promise him his lawyer will have him home in time for Christmas.
• Find a human femur. Stop at KFC and buy a bucket full of drumsticks. Remove the chicken from the bones and affix the meat to the femur using an edible polymer. Walk into your friend’s hospital room eating the chicken and proclaim "That guy in Room 12 didn’t make it ... but he sure is delicious." (NOTE: You may replace "Room 12" with a more appropriate reference depending on the architeture of your specific hospital.)
• Put a pair of sunglasses on a can of Dr. Pepper. Remove the sunglasses and say to your friend, "The doctor will see you now." Drink the Dr. Pepper and say "Sorry I drank your doctor, buddy."