signals crossed

A conversation between a person talking about the State of the Union address and a person talking about this year's Academy Awards nominations.

"I think it was a pretty bad year for ..."
"Definitely a bad year! And it showed. I mean when you look at the list--"
"There were no stand-out accomplishments this year."
"Yeah. Yeah. Really a lackluster year."
"Of course the bulk of the voters vote for the same names year after year."
"Yeah, it's always the same people."
"Do you think Al Gore has any chance of winning?"
"I don't think so... I mean, even if people want to like him and agree with his message, at the end of the day, it's just boring, listening to him drone on and on about the environment."
"But he does seem to be outside the establishment."
"True."
"Did you see The Queen?"
"No"
"Me either. Was she there?"
"I don't think so. That would be unusual."
"I mean she wasn't really involved."
"There were more black people than usual."
"Well, you've gotta love that guy who jumped into the subway to rescue the guy."
"Yeah. That's a great story. I'm sure somebody's already bought the movie rights."
"Something else I wanted to talk about: do you think people really care about this stuff, or is it mostly media hype?"
"Well certainly the media milks it for all it's worth. But I think people care. They care about the results, at least, even if they don't care about the politics."
"There's a controversy about the gift bags this year."
"There's all kinds of ethical scandals."
"You could fill up a newspaper with notes on the scandals."
"I didn't see it, but I love Judi Dench in anything."
"I don't see how that's relevant, but she is a good actress."
"I'm looking forward to Spider Man 3."
"I was looking forward to seeing Webb's response."
"I didn't know it had a subtitle. I hear it has a lot of Venom in it."
"Well,he's bound to be a little angry. His son's in Iraq. There were subtitles if you turned on your closed captioning. It's mostly just for deaf people. Or foreigners."
"I've always wondered how many foreigners are actually watching."
"I don't know. I think they do, unhappily. They really hate George W. Bush, the President who delivered the State of the Union address."
"That is true. They do hate him. That doesn't mean they don't like the movies that were recently announced as nominees for Academy Awards."
"I agree."
"It was good talking to you about the subject we were just discussing."
"Yes. I am certainly interested in the current events we were just talking about."
"We'll find out who wins at the Academy Awards on February 25."
"I'm not sure the war will be over by then."
"It probably won't be. Do you have any predictions?"
"Iraq in fragments."
"I agree that we'll see Iraq In Fragments because of Al Gore's loss. I will be sad for My Country, My Country."
"You don't have to say it twice."
"I get really emotional about the Best Documentary Feature category at the Academy Awards."
"That last comment is not relevant to a discussion of the State of the Union address."
"I agree, although I'm not sure why you're pointing that out."

all apologies

Dallas County officials, after overturning 12 convictions on the basis of DNA evidence, have developed a new line of cards in conjunction with Hallmark. The initial offerings are described below.

[picture of a cute puppy]
Message: "We're doggone sorry about ruining your life!"

[image of Ziggy behind bars]
Message (Ziggy speaking): "You can take the inmate out of prison, but you can't take prison out of the inmate...sorry 'bout that!"

[photograph of a baker]
Cover Message: "You can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs.
Inside Message: "Our apologies to all the eggs we broke. -Dallas County Criminal Justice System"

[image of flowers]
Message: "Roses are red / Freedom's for you / Sorry about prison / We hope you won't sue."

[cartoon of old woman]
Cover Message: "Hey old timer, don't get too comfortable out there."
Inside Message: "We still have your DNA on file."

weed 'em and reap

It was a confusing day to read the newspaper for people who confuse the letter "r" and the letter "w."

• Wisk Seen In Somolia Ethnic Cleansing
• House Set To Vote On Minimum Rage
• AP Wanks Boise State Ahead Of Competition
• NYC Blames Monday's Stink On Jewsey Gases
• Bush's Big Reek: Announces Raw Plan Tonight
• Deceased Man Rim Job Mistake By Polish Bank Boss

judicial review

Other revelations in the newly released William Rehnquist FBI files:

• Rehnquist addded stripes to his Supreme Court robe in 1995, not as a reference to Gilbert and Sullivan as previously thought, but because he believed that he had joined the "Solid Gold Militia," a secret anti-facist dance troop.
• In lieu of leaving a tip at restaurants when he dined, Rehnquist would often write "I judge your service to be outstanding!" on the merchant's copy of his credit card receipt.
• At parties, he told people his favorite movie was Twelve Angry Men, but in his diary, he wrote that it was Judge Dredd.
• Often, after he had taken too many painkillers, he would pound on his own hand with his gavel just to feel something and know that he was alive.
• When sitting down to use the bathroom, Rehnquist would mutter "Court is now in session." Just before he flushed the toilet, he would say "I find the defendant guilty ... and smelly as all get out..."

aftermath

I wanted to take a moment to apologize for my behavior at your New Year's Eve party. In addition, I thought I might try to explain my behavior, which probably seemed unusual.

It started when I was in the kitchen talking to Marcus. Somehow we got to discussing old vaudeville acts, and I insisted that I was once on Ed Sullivan as a plate spinner. When Marcus said he didn't believe me, I had to demonstrate my talents. Of course, I have never spun plates in my life. I just looked it up online, and you're supposed to use special plates and sticks, but I didn't know that at the time. Anyway, since you didn't have any sticks, I used your bread knife to saw off the ladles of your wooden spoons to make sticks. Then I told Marcus to hum the Sabre Dance song which is traditionally used for plate-spinning acts and he claimed he didn't know it! I think he was just trying to distance himself from the mess I was making at that point. That was why I invited those random guys off the street inside -- I said I'd pay them $5 to hum Sabre Dance while I did my plate-spinning act. I guess they thought $5 wasn't enough, because I'm pretty sure they're the dudes who took everybody's wallets from the coats in the bedroom.

At that point, I remembered that a lot of old vaudeville acts used to spray each other with seltzer water. The closest thing I could find was the fire extinguisher. Obviously I wouldn't have sprayed so many people with it if I'd known how toxic it was, or that we would need it later to put out an actual fire.

I don't know why I thought your dog would not jump out the window when I threw the ball outside, so I guess I'm to blame for that, but I really couldn't have known your grandmother would be waiting outside the building just at that moment. If your wife is still upset, maybe she can find some solace in the fact that her mother's last act was the break the dog's fall... if I hadn't thrown the television out the window so soon after, the dog probably would have survived to see the new year.

I guess I had New Year's Eve and Homecoming confused in my head, because for some reason I thought it was traditional to have a bonfire right at midnight. I should have realized it was a bad idea when nobody would help me gather kindling. If you want some of my old family photos to replace the ones of yours that I burned, it would be only fair. I realize you're not related to my ancestors, but at least they're old black-and-white photographs. When you get a new apartment, I think they'll look pretty nice on the walls.

It's a shame that, when I started urinating all over the place, I didn't pee on the fire. If any of your possessions survived the fire, but were ruined by urine, I'm sorry for that too.

If you're still having a Super Bowl party, Sherry and I would love to be there. Let me know what we can bring.