Thursday, May 31, 2007

there are places where tb is common as

Results of recent discovery of man infected with drug-resistant tuberculosis who travelled from Atlanta to Europe and back through Canada despite CDC warnings:
  • Sales of Van Morrison's album T.B. Sheets increase
  • Tombstone now available only after "long wait" through Netflix
  • Radio announcer with speech impediment causing Vs and Bs to sound the same is fired after listeners complain about confusing story in morning news regarding dangerous TV outbreak
  • City of Atlanta abruptly changes its now-awkward tourism motto "Atlanta ... catch the fever!"
  • Atlanta's Speaker Law Firm, PC, removes from circulation its personal injury television spot ("Have you fallen down, been injured in an auto accident, or contracted a contagious disease due to someone else's negligence? If so, let us get you the settlement you deserve. We'll make the defendant cough up the money the money you're owed until he or she can hardly breathe without coughing up blood.")

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

kitchen sink realism

Blockbuster Video Steinway Street Location
Employee Picks Memorial Day Weekend


Shawn's Memorial Day Picks Shelf
:
  1. Flags of Our Fathers
  2. Commando
  3. In the Army Now
  4. Saving Private Ryan
  5. Predator
  6. Platoon
  7. Braddock: Missing In Action III
  8. Major Payne
  9. First Blood
  10. Universal Soldier

Tina's BBQ Picks Shelf:
  1. Good Burger
  2. Big Night
  3. The Man Without a Face
  4. Backdraft
  5. Tampopo
  6. Fast Food Nation
  7. Are We Done Yet?
  8. The Deer Hunter
  9. Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle
  10. Alive
Chad's Long Weekend Picks Shelf:
  1. Lost Weekend
  2. Weekend at Bernie's
  3. 48 Hours
  4. Another 48 Hours
  5. Weekend at Bernie's II
  6. Peter's Friends
  7. Bloody Sunday
  8. Saturday Night and Sunday Morning
  9. The Loneliness of the Long Distance Runner
  10. Billy Liar
Troy's All I Did Was Move The First Row of the Sci-Fi Section Over To My Personal Picks Area Shelf:
  1. Alien
  2. Alien Autopsy
  3. Aliens
  4. Alien3
  5. Alien Hunter
  6. Alien Nation
  7. Alien Resurrection
  8. Alien vs. Predator
  9. Altered States
  10. The Arrival

Friday, May 18, 2007

caption police part iii

Tom,

Thank you for submitting these captions, but unfortunately they do not describe any photos that we wish to publish at this time.

--Jane

  • The Lives of Yothers - The East German secret police spent time surveilling pictures of its citizens in the 1980s, but since the reunification of Germany in 1990, they no longer have the power to arrest people like "Family Ties" actress Tina Yothers for committing fashion crimes such as wearing this ugly Dolce & Gabbana gown to a Celebrity Fit Club event in 2006.
  • Crouching Tiger, Hidden Drag Queen - Golf pro Tiger Woods ducks into Sardi's dressed in a blue Zegna suit, while a transvestite sneaks in behind a security guard in the background.
  • Amores Paris - The famous Hilton heir would look better if she was attacked by trained fighting dogs or hit by a car than she does in this Versace ensemble.
  • Sophie's Shawl: The Final Dais - The White Rose may have resisted the Nazis during World War II, but there's no way they could have withstood the torture of seeing the collection of grandmother-ready outfits worn by actress Sophie Marceau on the raised platform in this picture from the NYC's Fashion Week.
  • No Wear in Africa - Whether you're in Germany or Kenya, you wouldn't want to be caught dead in this silk blouse Kim Basinger is wearing.
  • Before The Reign - Don Cheadle should think twice before wearing a ruffled shirt like this one he wore to a recent film premiere -- it's enough of a fashion faux pas to make the Albanian mob hunt him all the way across Macedonia.
  • Bell Epoque - One thing that could have united royalists and republicans before the Spanish Civil War of the 1930s is the fact that overalls are a fashion no-no, even for this star of CW's recently cancelled teen detective series "Veronica Mars."

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

the crying of blot 49

Alumni News & Notes
St. Mary's County Juvenile Detention Center - Class of 1999

Hey everyone, I recently caught up with Morgan "Cutter" Dirdan, who said he was "up to no good" in New England. He recently robbed a bank with Jackie "Two Blade" Henshaw in Providence... You might find Will Banner and his wife Deb robbing a Buy Buy Baby near your town -- they recently gave birth to their first son, Will Jr. -- conceived while hiding out from a gang of Albanian mafia reps in upstate New York. Congratulate the happy family if you see them, but don't tell the authorities! ...

"Little Boy" Murphy
reports that he was at the wedding of Howie "Grift" McManus and "some rich mark lady" in Saratoga last October. Little Boy, Dennis "Boots" Thompson, Mike Dinton, Dom "Ringer" Jones, and Ray Goulding all attended his bachelor party and pretended to be old country club friends of Howie's before the big event ... If you find yourself in Cecil County's Minimum Security hole, say hi to Lew "The Fish" Atkinson, who's doing a 90-day stretch for B&E ... Lorton Seely e-mails that he and Sully Franklin killed a guy "the juvie way" in Florida last fall. "Three cheers for Block 6!" he says ...

Murph Coswell is going to grad school! He tells Coy Willingham that he plans to rob the Vanderbilt Law School cafeteria this September. Good luck Murph! ... Those of you on the West Coast be sure to stop by Vince Kilmartin's Class of '99 mini reunion and crime spree in Sacramento this September. He promises not to turn anyone in this year ... Curt Shackelford reports, "I finally made the leap from misdemeanors to felonies in Michigan" and requests that if anyone knows "a place he can hide out in Canada" they should get in touch "via the Deptford number" ... Ted Beerbaum recently accepted a position at the Tennessee Correctional Facility after mugging a woman in the MBA training program in Knoxville. He'd be glad to hear from anyone in the area ...

It is with great sadness that I pass on word that Terry Winston has finally gone straight after a long struggle with his parole officer. Our thoughts are with his accomplices and family. He will be missed...

That's all the news for now. Drop a line (not a dime!) and let me know what you're up to...

-Ralph "Cavity" Carter