Thursday, June 21, 2007

the dark side of blogspot

Excerpts from Seymour Hersh's blog this week:

Thursday, June 21:
A reliable employee at Burritoville confirmed to me that I had a Lost In Austin Burrito for lunch today. "You ordered it, we made it, and then you ate it," he said. The source said this was not the first time I had dined there.

Wednesday, June 20:
Since 2003, people have been letting their mobile telephones ring at movie theaters.
"It's not good," a high level usher at AMC Loews Village 7 told me. The usher had been involved in several screenings of films there. "People just let it ring or sometimes answer it during the movie."

I spoke with several moviegoers who wished to remain anonymous because they still see movies at that same theater. They told me that they found it annoying when phones rang during movies.

Tuesday, June 19:
A pet owner who works at the highest level of magazine staff gave me access to this picture of his adorable new kittens. (EMBEDDED IMAGE OF KITTENS PLAYING) A Pentagon spokesperson refused to comment on the picture, citing its policy against "discussing adorability of pets." Two hours later, the spokesperson sent me a short video of his puppy licking an ice cream cone that had fallen on the ground. "Lots of people have adorable pets," he said, but refused to discuss whether Donald Rumsfeld owned any pets.

Monday, June 18:

Several sources at the White House have forwarded me a video marked "Dramatic Chipmunk." (EMBEDDED YOUTUBE VIDEO) Although the sources could not verify whether the animal was actually a chipmunk, a high-ranking Army officer told me "that's definitely some sort of animal. There was a plan in place to record that animal with a camera and post the resulting video on the Internet. That's the way these people operate."

About Me:

According to a program on my computer, I am currently listening to Dire Straits' Brothers In Arms album. Several of my coworkers confirmed this fact to me.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

and a very good time it was

Poorly Attended and Otherwise Unpopular Bloomsday Events, 2007

Dublin Singles Mixer - "Attendees must be under 30, attractive, and have read all of Ulysses. Stately men welcome; no plump chicks."

Finnegan's Wake Up Calls - "Wake up early for your Bloomsday events with a 5 AM telephone call featuring a random passage from Finnegan's Wake read by Shane MacGowan."

Portraiture by Artist Who's a Young Man
- "Get your caricature drawn by a young art student. He'll capture your enjoyment of skiing, driving in convertibles, or playing golf in just a few deft pen strokes."

Ladies' Joyce - "Joyce Carol Oates, Dr. Joyce Brothers, and Joyce DeWitt perform folk music interpretations of their favorite Irish stories."

A Touch of the Iris - "Optometrist and James Joyce fan Dr. Samuel Espositio offers free glaucoma screenings all day long at his office near Trinity College."

Thursday, June 14, 2007

there's a trick with the internet i'm learning to do

Hey kids! Your confused arts section editor accidentally mixed up a list of titles of works by the metal band Anthrax, indie rockers Yeah Yeah Yeahs, and author Michael Ondaatje! Oh no! Please help him figure out which artist is responsible for the titles below so he can type-set tomorrow's issue of the newspaper! Age range: for children 8-12 years old.
  • elimination dance
  • show your bones
  • in the skin of a lion
  • state of euphoria
  • stomp 442
  • machine
  • spreading the disease
  • tin roof
  • sound of white noise
  • coming through slaughter
  • fever to tell
  • divisadero
  • we've come for you all
  • rat jelly
  • madhouse: the very best of anthrax
  • yeah yeah yeahs
  • the english patient

Friday, June 08, 2007

alexandre dumbass

Phonetic anagrams for Paris Hilton

shit on ir lap
"Shit on her lap"

hit har on lips
"Hit her on lips"

lionis phart
"Lioness fart"

not sharp iil
"Not sharp, ill."

hat pirsonil
"Personal hate"

rash piti no l
"Rash! Pity no oil."

not riil shap
"Not real shape."

i shat on ir lp
"I shat on her lip."

priti n shalo
"Pretty, and shallow."

rot pis in hal
"Rot piss in hell."

i no hr ap slit
"I know her ape slit."

sip hir tonal
"Sip her tunnel."

hitlr pasion
"Hitler passion."

no slit harpi
"No slit harpy."

rit on phalis
"Right on phallus."