no mas

Constitution Resigns, Will Not Serve 218th Year

WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP) -- The United States Constitution, long the legal framework and guidelines for the country's operation, announced today that it would no longer be fulfilling its duties, effective immediately.

The announcement came as a surprise to Democrats who had expected the document to stay in office at least through the end of George W. Bush's Presidency and the 2008 elections.

Virginia Governor Tim Kaine called the piece of paper "a good friend, a great statesman, and a wonderful representative of democracy."

Once widely respected as a fair set of rules and rights to govern the country, the Constitution has lately come under attack from Republicans for its ineffectiveness in combating vague terrorist threats and protecting freedom too wildly.

The Constitution joins other high-ranking officials, including Karl Rove, Alberto Gonzalez, and Tony Snow, who have all announced their resignations in the past few weeks.

Under current rules, President Bush will install an interim set of laws until a new Constitution can be approved by the Senate and ratified by 38 states. Sources within the administration said the constitutions of Turkmenistan and Myanmar were being considered as possible replacements.

In a statement released to the press, the Constitution said it is leaving to spend more time with its family. Its father, the Declaration of Independence, recently starred in the film National Treasure. Its older brother, the Articles of Confederation, passed away in 1788. Calls to the National Archives were not returned.

aiport '07

Anonymous Airport Sex Best Practices
Airport Location	Proper procedure for instigating liason
Men's Room Stall	Brush feet of man in neighboring stall Wave hand underneath partition Begin having sex
Car Rental Shuttle Bus	Ask "Is this the terminal for gay sex?" Man next to you answers "Yes" Begin having sex
Boarding Area	Airline announces "We are now seating rows 20-25, senior citizens, families with small children, and men wishing to have anonymous gay sex" Enter airplane and immediately proceed to restroom Begin having sex with person inside
Baggage Claim	Grab another passenger's suitcase He says "I think that's my bag." Respond "Oh, I'm sorry, it looks like mine." Man says "Don't worry." Respond "No, no, I was distracted by thinking about having gay sex." Man says "I know what you mean." Begin having sex
Security Check-in Line	Comment on how long the line is Man in front of you nods head in agreement Begin having sex
Moving Sidewalk	Another man is simultaneously riding the moving sidewalk Begin having sex

rate is enough

The Federal Reserve left interest rates unchanged at 5.25% today. The lack of a change or language explaining the decision left many on Wall Street anxious but was good news for people who were randomly assigned locker #525 at their gym two months ago and can never remember the number because they work out infrequently, but know to check the benchmark interest rate to find their locker when they do.

for the record

What Will You Do When Barry Bonds Hits Home Run #756?

I will remind myself not to buy the baseball he hits for the home run.
-Todd McFarlane, comic book artist, toy maker

I will point to it as a sign of our accomplishments in Iraq. Freedom is hitting a home run for democracy with the bases loaded full of liberty.
-George W. Bush, President

I will mark down these "Barry Bonds 755" t-shirts from $20 to $1. That's a bargain!
-Ernie R., street vendor

I will write a parody of Til Tuesday's "Voices Carry" called "Roids for Barry." To be honest, I've already written most of it: "Crush crush / hit it out now / Roids for Barry." Hey. Do you think people remember that song from the '80s? Or is it too obscure? And will Aimee Mann be cool about it, or will she be a dick like Coolio?
-"Weird" Al Yankovic, musician

I don't know. I'll have to get back to you on that.
-Alberto Gonzalez, attorney general

I will get drunk and high and make a mess of myself that night. Also, who is Barry Bonds?
-Lindsay Lohan, actress

If he hits the home run within the next two games, I will collect my winnings from Tony K. over on the East Side.
-Pete Rose, baseball star

I can't tell you exactly what I'll do, but let's just say it involves me finding someone who looks like Barry Bonds and then giving him a blow job for $20.
-Bob Allen, Florida state representative

PS: He doesn't have to look that much like Barry Bonds.
-Bob Allen, Florida state representative

Please stop calling me. Please.
-Frank Langella, actor

blow up

Internal Memo to all Write It Like Disaster Staff
Re: Kitchen Lounge

Hey everyone, I have a few things to mention regarding our kitchen lounge.

First of all, if everyone can clean their own dishes, that might solve some of our problems.

Second of all, if a colleague asks you to clean a dish you left in the sink, please do not respond by bringing a sex toy to work the next day, leaving it in the sink, waiting until that colleague steps away from their desk, sneaking onto their email account, and emailing the entire office pretending that the colleague misplaced the sex toy and is trying to find it.

Third, if you believe a co-worker has left a dirty dish in the sink, please ask them politely (via email or in person) to clean the dish. Please do not find a photograph of that person, scratch out the eyes, write "Dead" on the bottom and place the photograph and dirty dish on their desk when they are not around.

Fourth, the following words and phrases are inappropriate for use during discussions of who is responsible for keeping the kitchen lounge clean:

• bullsh*t
• Hitler
• retard
• _sshole
  
• sanctimonious prick
• suck on it
  
• who declared you kitchen Jesus?
• c_nt-bag
• bite me
• Martin Luther Kitchen
• why don't you stick that sponge up your p_ssy?
• jihad
• tupperware Holocaust
• I'm going to rape you with that coffee mug if you don't shut up

Fifth, please do not defecate in the kitchen lounge, either to prove a point or because the bathroom is occupied.

Sixth, our exterminator has informed me that our supply of rat poison needs to be refilled. I hope this is not related to disagreements about the kitchen lounge.

Seventh, if anybody knows the whereabouts of Martha's daughter, Berniece, who was last seen in the kitchen lounge this afternoon, please make sure Berniece is returned to the kitchen lounge before the end of the day, no questions asked.

Thanks and have a good weekend,

Erik