write it like disaster

BP Coffee Spill

2010-06-10T11:16:00.000-07:00

Here's what I've been up to lately. Again, please check out http://writeitlikedisaster.com for newer content and updates.

ladies choice

2007-09-07T21:25:00.000-07:00

Take the Cosmo Quiz:
Is Your Man a Hero or a Zero?
(Or A Soldier In Iraq)

Your man is running late for a dinner date. What does he do?
a) Calls to apologize and tell you he won't be on time.
b) Shows up late and does not explain his actions.
c) Has his platoon commander call you to let you know his tour of duty has been extended.

You got your hair cut. How does your man react?
a) He notices the new 'do and compliments it!
b) He says he liked it better when it was long.
c) He says he wishes he could see your new haircut in person, and asks you to tell the kids he loves them.

It's time to take your relationship to the next level, girls. What does your man think?
a) He loves you and will do whatever it takes to make you happy.
b) He's still sleeping with his ex once a month, and says "Don't blame me, blame your period."
c) If the Petraeus report is positive, we may see a reduction in the troop levels, but the situation here is far from stable.

Time for a bedroom question. Does your man know how to turn you on?
a) He is very sensitive to your needs as a lover.
b) He thinks it's all about him!
c) He cannot leave the Green Zone.

Scoring:
If you answered A three or more times: Congratulations! Your man's a hero!
If you answered B three or more times: It's time to dump that zero!
If you answered C three or more times: Your man is serving in Iraq!

alexandre dumbass

2007-06-08T14:28:00.000-07:00

Phonetic anagrams for Paris Hilton

shit on ir lap
"Shit on her lap"

hit har on lips
"Hit her on lips"

lionis phart
"Lioness fart"

not sharp iil
"Not sharp, ill."

hat pirsonil
"Personal hate"

rash piti no l
"Rash! Pity no oil."

not riil shap
"Not real shape."

i shat on ir lp
"I shat on her lip."

priti n shalo
"Pretty, and shallow."

rot pis in hal
"Rot piss in hell."

i no hr ap slit
"I know her ape slit."

sip hir tonal
"Sip her tunnel."

hitlr pasion
"Hitler passion."

no slit harpi
"No slit harpy."

rit on phalis
"Right on phallus."

blog meridian

2007-04-10T13:11:00.000-07:00

In preparation for his upcoming Oprah appearance, the previously reclusive author Cormac McCarthy has lately begun blogging about celebrity news and other current topics. Below are three recent excerpts from his website:

I turned on the set and watched for the news of the child's father.
Whos the father, I wondered.
The Judge appeared with his grim countenance. Since the days of the desert, its been known and counted who was the father and who was the child. We've come so far to find out the truth, the end of this business, he said. He drew up his large hammer.
Can you tell me what it is, I asked the set and The Judge.
The light of the set broke upon the plains and the bones and rocks littered amongst the cactus trees and the dry stream bed.
There was punishment in the waiting.
Then the sun set and the word came.
Birkhead, The Judge said. Birkhead entered the cave and made the girl in the time before time when all was unknown and the mother of the land was still alive.
* * *
See the child. He comes from San Antonio in the dust and oil plains. His parents the Mexicans. He joins the air force, later moves from Fort Yukon to Houston.
They all want you to go, dont you see?
I cannot see what I will not see, he says. I know I am right.
Do you think you can stand in the winds of the storm and not be blown over?
I do not know any more than I can tell you.
You do not know much then.
Da igual, no importa.
You are goin to stay, then?
I will stay, yes.
Why dont you go?
I said I will stay.
* * *
His large hair came down over his head, some dust storm across the brow.
The fat woman, he said, I dont like her.
He took a childs hand in his and walked down the aisle. He had walked that aisle before.
He raised his hand and fired. Everywhere this man has been there are bodies left behind.
Does he have any money.
Some more now than he did before. Not as much as he claims.
Donald pasa de castaño a oscuro.
Si. His gold aint for real.

I think the posts are about Anna Nicole Smith, Alberto Gonzales, and Donald Trump.

the last shall be

2007-03-19T15:10:00.000-07:00

The Internet is proud to announce the winners of its nine-year-long contest to see who could post the most first replies to online discussion threads.

As announced at the start of the competition in 1998, the top five winners receive an Apple iMac G3 in Bondi Blue.

The top 25 rankings for all online discussions since March 18, 1998 are listed below by user name. If you can prove that you are the author behind the user name on all first posts associated with it, please contact the Internet to receive your prize.

Top Ranked

1. anonymous
2. FIRST!
3. (not verified)
4. first
5. First!
6. frist
7. me
8. Me
9. asdf
10. awesome
11. FIRST!!
12. jabba
13. thissitesucks
14. dude
15. cooldude
16. bartsimpson
17. asfjkl;
18. you are all nerds
19. poop
20. greenspan7
21. blahblahblah
22. mr shit
23. gandalf
24. first1
25. fuckballs

you'll fly away

2007-03-02T13:12:00.000-08:00

A Letter of Apology from JetBlue and Walter Reed Army Medical Center

Dear Valued Customer and/or Wounded Veteran,

You deserve better!

Recently, many of you were forced to wait long periods of time in extremely uncomfortable conditions for the services we promised to provide you. We are very sorry and promise to make it up to you.

Whether you are a hip and trendy traveler or a wounded war veteran, the care and treatment you received was not up to the high standards we maintain.

As a result of a severe winter ice storm in the Northeast and protracted war on terror in Iraq, our resources were pushed beyond their maximum capacity. Due to a holiday weekend and complete breakdown of civic government caused by our dismimssal of Baathist elements in the government, we were unable to fulfill our mission of bringing humanity back to air travel and democracy to the Middle East. We let you down.

In order to correct the problem, we have published the JetBlue Airways Customer Bill of Rights, relieved Maj. Gen. George W. Weightman from command, and temporarily placed Lt. Gen. Kevin C. Kiley in charge of the Walter Reed facility. We would like to point out that, whatever complaints you might hear about Kiley, he was definitely not responsible for JetBlue operations during our Presidents Day Weekend troubles.

Nothing is more important than America defeating the Sunni insurgency or JetBlue regaining your trust or America backing fundamentalist Sunnis against Iran's secretly funded Shiite militias. All of us here hope you will give us the opportunity to welcome you onboard again soon and provide you the positive JetBlue Experience you have come to expect from us, or we hope that we don't have the opportunity to provide you with medical care following a war wound, because we don't want you to receive another war wound, but if that should occur, we hope that you will find your treatment better than it was in the past, whether we are talking about medical care or JetBlue travel.

Sincerely,
Secretary of the Army Dr. Francis J. Harvey
David Neeleman, Founder and CEO, JetBlue Airways

repeat offender

2007-03-01T13:19:00.000-08:00

Online Chat with David Fincher

A: Welcome! Let's get to the questions...

Q: What inspired you to make Zodiac?

A: THE THREAT OF SERIAL KILLERS IS REAL! DO NOT BE FOOLED BY STATISTICS SUGGESTING THAT SERIAL KILLINGS HAPPEN INFREQUENTLY.

Q: How much of Zodiac is based on fact?

A: Also, I should say, Jared Leto's character in Panic Room was a serial killer. I explained it in a scene that was deleted.

Q: What was it like working with Jake Gyllenhaal?

A: And another one: Michael Douglas was a serial killer in The Game. LOOK OUT FOR SERIAL KILLERS EVERYONE!!!! Some serial killers come from other planets just to kill humans like in Alien3.

Q: What recommendations do you have for young filmmakers starting out?

A: The most important thing is to get as much experience as possible behind the camera and DON'T be murdered by serial killers before you finish your films.

Q: I was a fan of your music videos ... do you ever miss working on a smaller scale?

A: Good question. As you know, Janie, in "Janie's Got a Gun" was a serial killer. She killed her father, and was planning to kill again. Madonna's cat in "Express Yourself" tortured and killed countless mice. I hope to make some more music videos about serial killers in the future.

Q: I've heard you didn't get along with Forrest Whitaker on the set of Panic Room ... is this true? What do you think about him winning the Oscar?

A: We had a few disagreements. I shouldn't really talk about it. Let's just leave it at I thought he might be a serial killer and confronted him about it and I don't think he had to do much research into mass murder to play Idi Amin because FORREST WHITAKER IS PROBABLY A SERIAL KILLER. But that's all I'll say.

Q: How do you feel about digital vs. film?

A: I've always loved film. I think the rise of digital media, and HD cameras especially, are making it much easier for deranged voyeuristic serial killers to document their crimes. Michael Powell's documentary "Peeping Tom" covered this sort of behavior, and while it was easy to track and catch killers who were transporting bulky film cameras (Bolex, Panaflex), today's crop of killers can go to Best Buy and get a high quality hand sized digitial video camera for under $500. WE ARE PRACTICALLY BEGGING THESE PEOPLE TO BECOME SERIAL KILLERS!

Q: What is your next project?

A: I just hope to survive 2007.

supporting actors

2007-02-23T13:30:00.000-08:00

Other films featuring former vice presidents:

Cruel Suspicion (1995) - Dan Quayle portrays a rogue cop seeking revenge against an evil District Attorney (Joe Montegna) in this direct-to-cable thriller.

The Delicacy of the Longshoreman (1987) - Walter Mondale has a cameo as beaureaucratic harbormaster in this slice-of-life drama about Long Island fishermen written and directed by John Sayles' longtime key grip, Nestor Shawns.

Hube Cube (1973) - A collection of three half-hour segments recorded for a local television station. Hubert Humphrey narrates some of his favorite children's stories: "The Walker and the Runner," "Mary and Her Magic Hat," and "Touch the Moon, Mr. Salamander." Each story is accompanied by experimental animated sequences.

Sheep Delight 78 (1978) - Nelson A. Rockefeller plays himself in this avant garde movie from Andy Warhol collaborator Paul Morrissey that was filmed in Central Park.

Looking for Spiro (1998) - This lighthearted documentary was a hit on the festival circuit: two teenage girls with a video camera try to record an interview with disgraced former vice president Spiro Agnew for their high school AP history class. Unbeknownst to the girls, Agnew cannot be interviewed for the film because he died two years earlier, but many pictures and news clips of him are featured in the finished documentary.

Balls N Babes 7 (2003) - For no apparent reason, one of two naked men having sex with a woman on a pool table in this compilation is referred to as Alben W. Barkley multiple times ("Yes, stick it in me, Alben W. Barkley, I want you in me!" and "F*** me, Alben W. Barkley. I love it when you f*** me so hard, Alben W. Barkley!") It is not clear if the man is meant to represent the 35th vice president or a person who was named for the 35th vice president. None of the other characters in the scene are referred to by name.

brit departure

2007-02-21T12:10:00.000-08:00

To: All Wire Services Subscribers

Due to cutbacks, our staff has recently been downsized, reducing the number of stories we make available. Please note that the following article may be used in your newspaper to cover Britney Spears leaving the Promises Treatment Center or the British troops withdrawing from Iraq. Required editorial choices are marked by parentheses.

(BAGHDAD/HOLLYWOOD) -- An already unstable situation will become more fraught with peril as sources suggest Brit(ish/ney) will be returning home sooner than expected.

Although there is no established timetable for withdrawal from (Iraq/rehabilitation), most experts think the situation is not yet improved from the chaotic mess it has recently become.

Things have deteriorated to the point where the much maligned (Saddam Hussein/Kevin Federline) has lately been reconsidered by critics, and is now judged to have been a stabilizing influence on (Iraq/Spears). This marks a great shift from the low public opinion of him during the nadir of his popularity around the time of his (dictatorship/rap album).

The ongoing conflict continues to raise questions about who will eventually get custody of (Kurdish oil reserves/Sean and Jayden).

Recently, (U.S./Us) sources have pointed to the heavy influence of (Iran/Isaac Cohen) in what have become increasingly erratic behavior and violent situations.

This past weekend, a tragic (car bomb blast that killed 62/haircut) caught headlines and suggested a complete breakdown was imminent, despite claims to the contrary by (Dick Cheney/Spears' publicist) who seems increasingly out-of-touch with his (country/client).

The next few months are sure to be a depressing time for (Iraq/Spears). Once known as (the cradle of civilization/a member of the Mickey Mouse Club), she has lately been associated with despair and scandal, as symbolized to the whole world by the distribution of pictures of her tortured and shaved (prisoners/vagina) being displayed in the confines of (Abu Ghraib/her limousine).

radio song

2007-02-20T14:25:00.000-08:00

Greetings Sirius or XM subscriber,

As you may have heard, our satellite radio companies are merging. For the most part, this will mean more programming options for you, our valued customer.

In some cases, duplicate stations will be merged to avoid overlapping content. Please use the following chart below to see if any changes affect you.

If you enjoyed Duane's Attic: Bluegrass Techno Remixes (XM) or Cookin' With Clive: Country/Club Mash Ups (Sirius), please check out Clive and Duane's Digital Moonshine Distillery: Trance Updates To Downhome Classics on the new XM/Sirius 541.

If you enjoyed Other Kinds of Blue: Great Alternate Takes from Jazz History (XM) or The Nearness of Two: Second Takes by Jazz Greats (Sirius), please check out My Second Favorite Things: Unreleased Recordings from Great Jazz Sessions on the new XM/Sirius 712.

If you enjoyed 2:54: The Station Where All Songs are Two Minutes and Fifty-Four Seconds (XM) or 6:24: The Place for Great Music Lasting Six Minutes and Twenty-Four Seconds (Sirius), please check out 2:5 or 6:2 4: Where All Songs Are Great and Either 2:54 or 6:24 in length on the new XM/Sirius 3331.*

If you enjoyed You Might Sing: Karaoke Versions of Songs by The Cars (XM) or Just What You Needed: Lyrics Free Hits by The Cars (Sirius), please check out Shake It Up: Instrumental Tracks by The Cars on the new XM/Sirius 5174.

If you enjoyed I Too Dislike It: Literary Critics Complain About Marianne Moore (XM) or Real Toads: Discussions of Marianne Moore Sucking (Sirius), please check out The Crap-Scented Syllable: Marianne Moore or Less? Modern Thoughts on Poet Marianne Moore on the new XM/Sirius 22643.

If you enjoyed All Rock (XM) or Rock! (Sirius), please check out Yeah, Rock, I Love Rock Music, Awesome Dude This Station Rocks! on the new XM/Sirius 31695.

* Please note, this is not the same as 25 or 6 to 4: The Best Music by Chicago (Sirius), which can now be found at The Inspiration: Great Songs by Chicago and Peter Cetera on the new XM/Sirius 2131.

fan ficciones

2007-02-15T12:48:00.000-08:00

Dear Jorge,

Thank you for your submission to "Panther Pride," the official fan fiction journal for NBC's drama "Friday Night Lights."

Although your story showed a lot of promise, we were unable to find space for it in our current issue. As you may know, "Panther Pride" was originally a fan fiction journal for creative endeavors related to the film version of the book Friday Night Lights. When the television series began airing in the fall of 2006, we split the journal into two different sections, one featuring stories set in the world of the film, and one featuring stories set in the universe of the television series.

Your submission, "Offsides," presented an interesting merger of the two fictional settings through the dimensional rift created by the magic football. And while we were taken with the challenging notion of Boobie Miles racing Smash Williams, and especially with Tami Taylor meeting doppelganger Sharon Gaines at a mirror store, we couldn't help but feel that your story was essentially a science-fiction endeavor more than it was a fictional exploration of the world of Panther football.

Please do not be discouraged, and feel free to submit more stories in the future. In addition, you might try submitting stories to "Powers That Be," the fan fiction journal of the television series "Heroes," which leans more towards the supernatural and fantastical.

Yours,

"Coach" Ron Edison

---

Dear Jorge,

We receive many submissions here at "Powers That Be." Unfortunately this means that we must turn down some stories, and your December submission, "Eye of the Cheerleader," falls into this category.

The central conceit of your story -- that of a dimensional rift allowing visitors from another universe to create havoc in the "Heroes" world -- was interesting, but the bulk of the story followed characters who were not familiar to us here at the magazine. After a brief appearance by cheerleader Claire Bennet, we spent the rest of the story with the characters from Dillon, Texas in the other dimension.

One of our editors here did some internet research and discovered that those characters are from the series "Friday Night Lights."

Perhaps you should submit your next story to "Landry Land," the official electronic journal of cross-pollinated fan fiction for television series set in Texas.

Best wishes,

Sam Telson, the "Super" Editor

---

Howdy Jorge,

Greetings from the Lone Star State!

As an electronic journal, we have no space limitations, but our founding principles and editorial mission sometimes force us to reject well-written stories such as your recent submission, "High Plains Shifter."

Our grant from the Texas State Bureau of Tourism stipulates that we must "strive to demonstrate the breadth and width of Texas life through publication of stories showing the intersection of different worlds created by popular television series set in Texas."

In the past, some of our most successful works have included "Death and Gas," a story combining characters from "Dallas" and "King of the Hill," and, more recently, "Forbidden Crossings," which involved characters from FOX's "Prison Break" and MTV's "The Real World: Austin."

Your story, while entertaining, failed to meet our standards, as it featured only one television series ("Friday Night Lights"). The second universe from which it borrowed, the setting for the film version of Friday Night Lights, did not meet the criteria of being from a television series nor of highlighting another side of Texas living (both the TV series and movie examine smalltown football culture).

We would welcome any submissions from you in the future that connect two different television series from Texas.

In the meantime, you might try writing something for 2430framespersecond.blogspot.com, the official blog for fan fiction that combines television and movie versions of the same universe.

Remember the Alamo,

Walt McMurtry, EIC, Landry Land Magazine

---

To JorgeLB27@hotmail.com,

Your recent post TEXAS TWISTER is awaiting approval by the moderator of 2430FRAMES.

For the following reason(s):

- NOT ENOUGH CHARACTERS HAVING SEX WITH SELVES!

You may resubmit your story using your assigned login, or submit new stories in the future.

The moderator has the following suggestion(s):

- CHARACTERS SHOULD HAVE GRAPHIC SEX WITH OTHER VERSIONS OF THEMSELVES.
- MAYBE THIS COULD REPLACE THE FOOTBALL GAME AT THE END?
- CONSIDER 'BERG.BURG' THE CHRONICLE OF FAN FICTION FOR THE WORKS OF PETER BERG

Thank you.

---
Dear Jorge!

Congratulations!

Your story, "S*M*A*S*H" will be featured in the upcoming "Chicago Help" issue of berg.burg e-zine, the pre-eminent Peter Berg fan fiction journal. This special issue features medically-themed romantic crossover works, such as the "Chicago Hope" / The Great White Hype story "Ring of Lust" and the "Wonderland" / A Midnight Clear tale "Red Cross, Crazy Cross."

Along with publication in berg.burg, you will recieve an autographed picture of Peter Berg. The March issue will be emailed to you at: JorgeLB27@hotmail.com

Thanks for your submission!

the price of love

2007-02-14T10:30:00.000-08:00

Subliminal Messages of Common Valentine's Day Gifts

A Dozen Roses: Hey Ugly, I figured your co-workers would rather look at this vase full of flowers than your ugly face on this special day. When you get home, we need to talk.

Box of Chocolates: Hey Fatty, I am always disgusted by your morbid obesity, but since it is Valentine's Day, I thought I would indulge you and send you some chocolates to stuff into your fat fat face.

Diamond Pendant: Hey Bossy, I saw this diamond and thought of you, because our relationship makes me feel as imprisoned as a slave-labor diamond miner in a conflict region of Africa.

Scented Candle: Hey Boring, I don't think you have much of a personality. Also, you kind of smell bad. Happy Valentine's Day!

Fancy Dinner: Hey Vapid, You're not very interesting to talk to, or even spend time with, but at least you're attractive enough to make other men jealous. Enjoy this dinner and try not to say too many stupid things loudly, or else people will realize you're not much of a catch.

Singing Telegram: Hey, we shouldn't see each other any more.

cold yeller

2007-02-06T12:16:00.000-08:00

AskWeather.com

Q: I'm freezing my balls off!!!!

A: It certainly is quite cold outside. Remember to dress in layers to keep warm. If you are experiencing the medical problem described above, please consult a doctor.

WebMD

Search: freezing balls off

Did you mean: frequent balls off ?

celebgossip.com

2:41 PM coldguy Says:
I'm freezing my balls off!!!!

2:42 PM delmos Says:
hi 2:41 coldguy! good one it is is cold today 2:36 tarafan ...britney does have kids at home but tara is like 30....i'll call it a tie. :)

2:42 PM britfan Says:
BRIT HATERS GO AWAY THIS IS A MESSAGE BOARD FOR BRIT FANS ONLY!!!! BRITNEY HAS BEEN THE BEST SINCE MMC AND IS STILL KICKING IT NOW. IF YOU DON'T LIKE HER, GO SOMEWEAR ELSE!!!!! SHE HAS BEEN SINGING AND DANCING WHAT HAVE YOU EVER DONE?!? NOTHING I BET. BRITNEY IS THE BEST AND YOUR JUST JEALOUS!!!! ALSO, COLDGUY, IT SOUNDS LIKE YOUR COLD, MAYBE SHOULD PUT ON SOME PANTS LOL!!!

2:43 PM AWESOMEGOSSIP.NET Says:
Check out the real gossip ................. AWESOMEGOSSIP.NET .................

2:43 PM Viagra Deal Says:
Hi,friend. Here is that site I was telling you about. http://ultrahard.sweetride.viagra/ Make it longer and more resistant to temperature extremes. It worked for me. ultrahard.sweetride.viagra ultrahard.sweetride.viagra ultrahard.sweetride.viagra ultrahard.sweetride.viagra ultrahard.sweetride.viagra ultrahard.sweetride.viagra

DemocraticTogether.org

coldguy
I'm freezing my balls off!!!!

liberalDesMoines
Obama has only been in the Senate for two years, so he hasn't voted on too many climate issues, aside from backing corn ethanol subsidies (groan!), but he's definitely better than the current administration. Of course, my three-year old son would be better than the current administration.

Gore2008
Nobody has a better record or understanding of climate issues, and subsequent ball-freezing temperature shifts, than Al Gore. Run Al Run!!!

liberalDesMoines
I just saw that Obama has a policy paper on ball-freezing-off at his website. Check it out.

Heroes Chat Room @ NBC.com

coldguy: I'm freezing my balls off!!!!

hirofan: Agreed! I'd like to see somebody with power over the climate too! Although they'd have to find a way to make them unique from Iceman and Storm in the Marvel universe.

cheerleader12: hate to sound like im beating a dead horse, but its not the powers so much as the characters. but yeah a person with weather powers would be rad.

jackbauer: You guys are all gay. Jack Bauer rules!

babe: jack bauer, your dad is a gay pigf*cker. go back to your own message boards.

jackbauer: You're going to have to trust me on this one. I don't have time to explain. But you guys are all gay!

*This thread has been closed by the moderator*

gauntlet of fire

2007-02-02T11:59:00.000-08:00

Hey kids! See if you can identify which passages below are from the much anticipated new book Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows and which are from the highly classified National Intelligence Estimate produced by the U.S. government's intelligence agencies!!! Find the answers at the fan club website!

There was a great darkness, and no one could see even a hint of light amidst the gloomy chaos.

It was all his fault, from the very beginning. He wished he could travel back in time and change what happened. But he could not.

Collapse of this magnitude would generate fierce violence for at least several years, ranging well beyond the time frame of this Estimate, before settling into a partially stable end-state.

When one ventures outside this realm, they find themselves vulnerable to attack. It is most dangerous, even for the brave.

The whole process of producing NIEs normally takes at least several months.

Even the school had been infiltrated by the enemy by that point.

The atmosphere was summed up by a bearded old man sitting outside the stone walls. "That's no ordinary prison," he said. "They torture people in there!"

It soon became clear that this was no simple game ... thousands of lives were at stake.

Harry Potter entered the chamber. Would Voldemort be inside?

Should these events take place, they could spark an abrupt increase in communal and insurgent violence and shift Iraq’s trajectory from gradual decline to rapid deterioration with grave humanitarian, political, and security consequences.

By the time they arrived at the museum, it had been looted. The guards had disappeared and the powerful relics inside were nowhere to be found.

The emergence of a checkered pattern of local control would present the greatest potential for instability, mixing extreme ethno-sectarian violence with debilitating intra-group clashes.

"Good shot, Hermione," Harry said. "That one was really close." She shivered in the darkness but did not reply.

all apologies

2007-01-19T13:43:00.000-08:00

Dallas County officials, after overturning 12 convictions on the basis of DNA evidence, have developed a new line of cards in conjunction with Hallmark. The initial offerings are described below.

[picture of a cute puppy]
Message: "We're doggone sorry about ruining your life!"

[image of Ziggy behind bars]
Message (Ziggy speaking): "You can take the inmate out of prison, but you can't take prison out of the inmate...sorry 'bout that!"

[photograph of a baker]
Cover Message: "You can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs.
Inside Message: "Our apologies to all the eggs we broke. -Dallas County Criminal Justice System"

[image of flowers]
Message: "Roses are red / Freedom's for you / Sorry about prison / We hope you won't sue."

[cartoon of old woman]
Cover Message: "Hey old timer, don't get too comfortable out there."
Inside Message: "We still have your DNA on file."

weed 'em and reap

2007-01-10T12:10:00.000-08:00

It was a confusing day to read the newspaper for people who confuse the letter "r" and the letter "w."

Wisk Seen In Somolia Ethnic Cleansing
House Set To Vote On Minimum Rage
AP Wanks Boise State Ahead Of Competition
NYC Blames Monday's Stink On Jewsey Gases
Bush's Big Reek: Announces Raw Plan Tonight
Deceased Man Rim Job Mistake By Polish Bank Boss

take cover arizona

2006-12-07T12:35:00.000-08:00

Ways to Commemorate the 65th Anniversary of Japanese Attack on Pearl Harbor

Use a Hollywood star-locating service to get the telephone number of famed movie director Michael Bay. Call him up. When he answers, struggle to your feet and angrily yell into the telephone: "Don't tell me what can't be done!" before collapsing back into your wheelchair.

Launch your own surprise attack ... on morbid obesity.

Go drinking at the VFW Hall. When it's your turn to make a toast, proclaim "The only thing we have to fear is .... beer itself." As the crowd of greatest generation veterans cheer and drink, have your friends sneak in and destroy the VFW Hall. Nobody will be expecting it.

All day long, refer to all Asians you see as either "Nips," "Japs," or "Krauts."

Begin using the Pearl Harbor attack as a benchmark of unfortunate events as in the following examples: "My computer just crashed -- this is the worst thing since Pearl Harbor" or "Your new haircut looks like the Japs launched a surprise attack on your head" or "Is there cilantro in this burrito? Hirohito! I hate cilantro!"

an artist of the floating world

2006-11-22T09:20:00.000-08:00

Interview With:
Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade Balloon Inflation Expert

Q: So, you are responsible for the big balloons at the parade?
A: Yes.

Q: Did you see that Michael Richards video?
A: I sure did! What a crazy racist!

Q: Thanks for taking the time to talk with us.
A: No problem.

misgivings

2006-11-20T12:16:00.000-08:00

Rarely Seen Thanksgiving Episodes

Friends: "The One With the Black Guy" - Chandler and Ross invite one of their best friends from college to spend Thanksgiving with the gang. The friend, Rashid, is the first African American that Rachel has ever met. While Monica prepares dinner, Rachel hides all her valuables in fear. Once dinner is served, however, Rachel gets to know Rashid as a person and realizes the error of her ways. She promises to hang out with Rashid more frequently. (After this episode, Rashid is never seen again.) Meanwhile, Phoebe works at a soup kitchen where she is mistaken for a crazy homeless person.

Lost: "Bird Is The Word" - In this first season episode, which was mysteriously omitted from the DVD set, a wild turkey appears on the island and the crash survivors try to hunt it down for food. In a series of flashbacks, the turkey remembers growing up on a Kansas poultry farm before escaping captivity and sneaking onto a merchant marine vessel bound for Australia. The first mate on that ship was Sawyer. Back in the present day, Locke's hunting party finally corners the bird near a cave. Just as Sawyer is hurling a spear at the turkey, he makes eye contact with the bird and recognizes it. "Don't kill me," it squawks as the spear impales it, "I have something important to tell you." Then it dies. End credits roll.

Anything But Love: "Salmonella Is Coming to Town" - Jules cost cuts on a holiday dinner for the homeless, with sickening results. When Hannah convinces Marty to go all out for Christmas, she gets the idea that he has, by getting a new apartment for them. (NOTE: There is nothing controversial or out-of-character for this episode. It rarely seen only because the series Anything But Love is hardly ever watched.)

Felicity: "The Season" - In her American studies history seminar, Felicity discovers the tragic history of Native Americans in the United States. That night, after going to sleep, she travels through time to the 1480s and warns them of the coming European hordes. They thank her for the message, but as she is preparing to leave, she catches Pocohantas making out with Ben. Later, she sends smoke signals to Sally One Feather about her feelings. When she wakes up in the present, she tells Ben how she feels.

Larry King Live: "November 15, 1997" - During an interview with celebrity chef Emeril Lagasse, Emeril tells King he loves cooking for Thanksgiving. King replies, "Wonderful holiday. As American as apple pie and the gulag." A confused Emeril asks if King meant "gulasch," which, while not American, is at least a food product. "I'm sorry," replies King. "That was my mistake. I meant to say culottes."

brand rarities

2006-11-17T10:15:00.000-08:00

Failed James Bond 007 Series Titles:

Yesterday Is Adequate For Now
Goldschlager
Surrender Twice For Forever
Silence Is Golden, But So Is Murder
The Spy Ate A Delicious Cobb Salad
Permission For Mayhem Revoked
MagicEye
Tomorrow Maybe The Day After
On Her Majesty
Melancholy Daylight
Kill To Die Murderously
Never Underwear Brown
Slot Machine Deluxe
F*ckmonger

make you feel better

2006-11-02T23:22:00.000-08:00

Unconventional ways to cheer up your friend in the hospital:

Secretly puncture bottom of bedpan belonging to patient in the neighboring bed.
Replace pens used by doctors and nurses with ones that use disappearing ink.
Grow a long beard. Then visit friend and begin acting out scene from movie version of "The Fugitive" where Harrison Ford cuts off his beard in the hospital room sink. Loudly declare, "I didn’t kill my wife!" and "Get off my plane!"
Purchase a priest’s costume from a Halloween store having a post-Halloween sale, and then administer last rites to deathbed patients throughout the hospital. Because you are not actually a priest, the annointing of the sick will not be valid in the eyes of the church and the patients will be denied access to the Kingdom of Heaven. After they have died, let their families in on the secret.
Every time your friend’s meal is brought to him, tell the nursing staff that "I'll have what he’s having" but make it sound as sexual as possible.
Sign your friend’s cast with a cheery message from a terrible despot like Slobodan Milosevic, Idi Amin, or Pol Pot.
Bring a heavy sheet of plexiglass with you and place it between you and your friendin the hospital bed. Then use your cell phone to call him and talk to him as if you are visiting him in prison. Promise him his lawyer will have him home in time for Christmas.
Find a human femur. Stop at KFC and buy a bucket full of drumsticks. Remove the chicken from the bones and affix the meat to the femur using an edible polymer. Walk into your friend’s hospital room eating the chicken and proclaim "That guy in Room 12 didn’t make it ... but he sure is delicious." (NOTE: You may replace "Room 12" with a more appropriate reference depending on the architeture of your specific hospital.)
Put a pair of sunglasses on a can of Dr. Pepper. Remove the sunglasses and say to your friend, "The doctor will see you now." Drink the Dr. Pepper and say "Sorry I drank your doctor, buddy."

how will the wolf survive?

2006-10-26T12:28:00.000-07:00

Fun Facts and Activities
New 700 Mile Mexican Border Fence Edition!

Math Fun!

Q: If you own a car that can drive at 350 mph, how long will it take you to cross the fence?

A: About 30 minutes if you tunnel under it; approx. 2 minutes if you climb over it. Neither of these would involve your car. (It would take you two hours to drive the length of the fence.)
--------
Q: If the security wall weighs one ton for every ten square feet, how much heavier will the Earth be when it is completed?

A: 369,600 tons, but only if the wall is constructed of lunar concrete and meteorite rebar, as called for in the original design.

Good fences make good neighbors?
Did you know that Robert Frost's famous line from "Mending Walls" was intended to be ironic? He actually believed that fences created bad relationships between neighbors, just as he believed that taking the road less travelled made little to no difference.

History Hoopla!
This is not the first such border in history. The Great Wall of China, the Berlin Wall, and the New Orleans levees are some other great public works projects built to keep out unwanted intruders. Can you name more?

Trivia
Can you guess which of these is not the name of a rock band?
-700 Miles of Fence
-30 Odd Foot of Grunts
-10,000 Maniacs

Challenge!
Try repeating this spicy racist tongue twister three times fast, if you're not too busy taking a siesta:
"Mexican wrecks of men oversexed Texan friends; cross rivers, bras quiver, Chorizo sausage," Juan said.

Lost In Translation!
Unscramble these British terms to reveal a single border-related phrase:

007 limes offence

(Answer: 700 miles of fence)

a college breakfast party

2006-10-05T11:54:00.000-07:00

Coaltion to Stop the War in Iraq
******** College Chapter
2nd meeting , 1st semester
(October 5, 2006 - 10:30 am Brennan Lounge)

Attendance:
Harper, Leon, Ocean, Michael, Micheal, Colin, Theresa, "Names are a form of oppression"

Old business:
Reading of last week's minutes

"Names are a form of oppression" asked that her name be removed from last week's minutes. Leon suggested that, at the time, "Names are a form of oppression" was known as Vanessa, so the minutes should accurately reflect that. Ocean added that it would be "like a Stalinist purge" to rewrite history in this manner. Micheal argued that the term "Stalinist purge" is overused by people who "totally don't get it" and asked if Ocean had even read "Das Kapital," because Ocean "totally did this summer." Micheal answered that "Das Kapital" was by Karl Marx, and Ocean should "get his facts straight." Ocean angrily asked "you won't be happy til everyone's straight, will you." Michael noticed that the secretary had written "Michael" instead of "Micheal" when recording the dialogue about Stalin and asked for the minutes to be corrected. "Names are a form of oppression" pointed out that this is why names are a form of oppression.

New business:

Colin suggest a sit-in to bring attention to the ongoing war in Iraq. Theresa agreed with the idea and added "that will teach those pro-war scum." Michael asked if there actually were any pro-war people on campus. A brief silence ensued.

Theresa asked if anyone had heard about Mark Foley. "Names are a form of oppression" said she had not. Harper gave a brief timeline of the scandal. Micheal said a guy who lived on her hall had been a page in high school. According to Micheal, the guy said he had never been the target of unwanted advances, adding, "but still."

Leon discussed last night's episode of "Lost." Harper asked if Leon could send him an MPG of it. Leon agreed.

Michael asked if anyone was planning to read Bob Woodward's State of Denial. Colin said he saw Woodward on "Larry King Live" last week and "he looked nothing like Roger Redford." Leon suggested that Colin meant "Robert Redford." "Names are a form of oppression" asked why it mattered since everybody knew who we were talking about. Ocean asked what "Roger or Robert Redford or whatever did anyway? Has anyone like even seen one of his movies?" Michael said he watched half of The Sting once.

"Names are a form of oppression" asked to have a vote about whether we could change her name in the minutes of last week's meeting. Leon said the minutes had already been approved, and that this was the new business section of the meeting. "Names are a form of oppression" demanded a vote on whether we could revisit the minutes from last week.

Vote On Motion To Determine Whether Minutes Should Be Revised: 6-2 against.

"Democracy is a form of oppression" announced that she has changed her name from "Names are a form of oppression."

Leon said he is from Pennsylvania and "that Amish school shooting is really [expletive] up." Furthermore, he suggested a bake sale to raise money for the victims' families.

Vote On Motion To Hold Fundraising Bake Sale for the Amish: 7 in favor, 1 abstention.

Ocean volunteered to head up a steering committee on the Bake Sale and report back at next week's meeting.

Harper adjourns meeting at 11:17 am.

daniel deronda

2006-10-03T08:56:00.000-07:00

In which Mark Foley and George Allen believe each other to be 16-year-old boys in an online chatroom for Congressional pages.

Maf54 has entered the chat at 1:15:36 PM.

Maf54: where is everyone?
Nonjew27: dont know
Nonjew27: just me here
Nonjew27: probably black dude scared everyone away LOL
Maf54: what
Nonjew27: you know =)
Maf54: just came from the gym
Maf54: i'm all sweaty
Maf54: about to shower
Nonjew27: you have white skin, right?
Maf54: yes
Nonjew27: good
Maf54: now you know about my skin
Maf54: tell me what your skin feels like
Nonjew27: not sure what u mean
Nonjew27: feels like every other non-Jewish person's skin, i guess
Maf54: thats good. i like that.
Maf54: tell me about your package
Maf54: how big is it
Nonjew27: its regular size
Nonjew27: certainly not cut like it would be if i were Jewish, since i'm not
Maf54: tell me what you're doing
Nonjew27: im eating a sandwich. ham and cheese.
Nonjew27: i'm totally not a Jew...
Nonjew27: so i dont mind mixing meat and dairy products
Nonjew27: even though thats not kosher
Maf54: maybe you should come over and eat my sausage and cream
Nonjew27: not sure what you mean
Maf54: let's talk dirty
Nonjew27: like use the 'n' word?
Nonjew27: cool
Nonjew27: i'll start...
Maf54: no, i meant
Maf54: sexy talk dirty
Nonjew27: oh
Nonjew27: not so into that
Maf54: oh

Nonjew27 has exited the chat at 1:21:02 PM

watchers

2006-09-26T09:44:00.000-07:00

After remarking that Charles Dickens would have loved the Fox series "Prison Break," an editor here decided to find out what some other famous authors of yore might think of today's top television shows. Using a time machine, he brought the writers to the present day to view some current television (he originally planned to take a television back into history, but was worried about finding a place to plug it in).

Prison Break - reviewed by Charles Dickens
What's that sound? Alarum! There are tiny devils in that box! Move away! That electric horse is headed right for us!

Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip - reviewed by F. Scott Fitzgerald
Along the golden shores of the Pacific Ocean, the gods of industry perform their revels. Matt and Danny struggle against the tides of mediocrity and despair as they row towards the sun, always rising. But Amanda Peet! Now there is a woman! Brghhackghh. (At this point, Mr. Fitzgerald passed out in a pool of his own vomit.)

Kidnapped - reviewed by Robert Louis Stevenson
You've projected words onto the screen! What a strange book. Actors, you say? In that tiny box? I shan't believe it. Oh, look, a Negro gentleman. He is portraying a constable? Oh no! Get out of the way, good man, that electric carriage is headed right for us! We shall be trampled underfoot!

America's Next Top Model - reviewed by Ernest Hemingway
Those women are small. Some of them could be broken easily.

Vanished - reviewed by Edgar Allan Poe
Dreadful! fright to be trapped-- In a tiny box like those men! Dare we let them out? Do you hold The Key? Do I? Now what is this? A commercial, you say? I don't understand. Look out! That giant tampon is headed straight for us! We shall be ruined! Duck, soul, and be unbattered! That blue liquid shall drown us all! Womenly ways be damned! The mammoth tampon approaches!!!

read it like disaster

2006-09-24T23:13:00.000-07:00

In response to whelming reader demand, here is the inaugural entry of Write It Like Disaster's new weekend book section.

The Power and The Glory and The Fire-Breathing Dragons

Reviewed in this article:
The End of the Affair by Graham Greene
A Clash of Kings: Book Two of 'A Song of Ice and Fire' by George R. R. Martin

PRIMARY VILLAIN:
in A Clash of Kings: Cersei Lannister, a beautiful but cruel temptress, once married to King Robert Stark, she secretly bedded her brother Jaime ("Kingslayer") Lannister, thereby insuring that the heirs to the throne were not Robb’s seed but the result of incestuous meddling.
in The End of the Affair: God
---Advantage: The End of the Affair

CHARACTER MARKED BY DEFORMITY, INTELLIGENCE
in A Clash of Kings: Tyrion Lannister, a misshapen dwarf who uses cunning to become the Hand of the King and helps his nephew govern the city of King’s Landing before he being betrayed in the field of battle by his sister’s henchman
in The End of the Affair: Richard Smythe, whose face marked by a large strawberry colored stain, is a man of science and logic who preaches pure rationalism to Sarah (at the end of the book, God removes the birthmark miraculously)
---Advantage: A Clash of Kings

BACKDROP OF VIOLENCE
in A Clash of Kings: In the aftermath of Robert Baratheon’s death during a hunting accident, the kingdom is divided into chaos when four men take up the crown: good-hearted young Robb Stark, iron-willed Stannis Baratheon, beloved weakling Renly Baratheon, and evil-minded Joffrey Stark. Meanwhile, wildlings from the North Country prepare to descend upon the south with their anarchic craven ways, while Daenerys Targaryen, living in exile, nurses three young dragons at her breast (honestly) as she plots to retake the kingdom by reign of fire
in The End of the Affair: World War II
---Advantage: A Clash of Kings

EPISODES OF ADULTERY
in A Clash of Kings: Cersei Lannister cuckolds her husband the king by bedding her own brother, Jaime Lannister; later, when he is held prisoner, she beds a cousin who resembles him Jaime
in The End of the Affair: Sarah cheats on her husband with Maurice Bendrix, among many, many others
---Advantage: A Clash of Kings

PLOT ELEMENTS PERTAINING TO SEXUAL DYSFUNCTION:
in A Clash of Kings: Varies, the eunuch, provides counsel informed by his network of spies; he lost his manhood to traveling sorcerers in childhood and is impervious to the sensual temptation that ruins other men of his rank
in The End of the Affair: Henry has never brought his wife to orgasm via lovemaking
---Advantage: A Clash of Kings

SHADOWY ASSASSIN CRAWLING FORTH FROM THE WOMB OF A RED SORCERESS
in A Clash of Kings: Kills treacherously at Storm’s Landing
in The End of the Affair: None
---Advantage: A Clash of Kings

DEATH DUE TO THE COLD
in A Clash of Kings: Ice-frosted Others savage the vast armies of the Night’s Watch sworn to keep out the Wildlings of the North
in The End of the Affair: Sarah catches a pneumonia walking without her jacket
---Advantage: A Clash of Kings

IMPORTANT SCENE INVOLVING A CHARACTER ON THEIR BACK ON A HARD FLOOR
in A Clash of Kings: Eight-year-old Bran Stark is pushed out a window by Jaime Lannister upon witnessing the incestuous relationship between Jaime and Cersei. After landing on the stone surface below, Bran loses the use of his legs and cannot remember what he saw
in The End of the Affair: Sarah experiences her first orgasm when Bendrix fucks her on the floor of Henry’s flat while her husband is bedridden one flight above them
---Advantage: The End of the Affair

RELIGIOUS CONVERSION
in A Clash of Kings: Stannis Baratheon, unable to gather as many soldiers to his banner as his popular younger brother Renly, rejects the old gods in favor of the Lord of Light and a Rasputin-esque Red Sorceress who harnesses his power to kill Stannis’ enemies
in The End of the Affair: Sarah becomes Catholic, dies soon after
---Advantage: Tie

Final Score:
A Clash of Kings 7
The End of the Affair 3

labor pains

2006-09-05T07:31:00.000-07:00

To: W. Axl Rose
From: The Estate of Upton Sinclair

Dear Mr. Rose,

Thank you for your recent interest in the works of Upton Sinclair. Unfortunately, at this time we are unable to authorize your proposed broadway musical "Welcome to the Jungle" based on his most famous book, The Jungle. As you can guess, we receive many licensing requests for his works, and cannot grant permission for all of them. Please do not take this as a rejection of your band's musical style. If anything, Mr. Sinclair would have been excited by your guitarist's decision to call attention to unsavory practices in the meat industry by wearing a Kentucky Fried Chicken bucket on his head.

As part of our mission to protect the intellectual property of Upton Sinclair, we feel it is important not to flood the market with too many works. Between P.T. Anderson's upcoming film adaptation of Oil! and the Kool & The Gang/Twyla Tharp meat industry musical "Jungle Boogie," we do not feel it would be prudent to release another Sinclair work at this time.

If you are still interested in the project in a few years, perhaps we can revisit the idea. In the meantime, we would like to congratulate you on having contacted the correct estate. Last month we fielded an inquiry from the band Aerosmith, which had us mistaken for the estate of Sinclair Lewis.

Best wishes,

Upton Sinclair III

she acts like we never have met

2006-08-25T09:15:00.000-07:00

AIM IM between BDylan31 and jrecords_aliciakeys - 11:51 AM

BDylan31: r u going to buy my album?
jrecords_aliciakeys: who is this?
jrecords_aliciakeys: oh, i see. um...
BDylan31: im going to eat a sandwich
jrecords_aliciakeys: i'll get a copy
jrecords_aliciakeys: i don't buy records anymore
jrecords_aliciakeys: no time for shopping!
BDylan31: records dont sound good anyway
jrecords_aliciakeys: i know what u mean sometimes
jrecords_aliciakeys: what kind of sandwich you eatin'
BDylan31: no food in my house
BDylan31: borrowed bread from charley patton
BDylan31: charley patton dont bake no more
BDylan31: said can i borrow yr bread
BDylan31: he said how much i said a sandwich
BDylan31: he said one slice or four
jrecords_aliciakeys: yeah
BDylan31: thats true some of the time
jrecords_aliciakeys: who's charley patton?
BDylan31: just a guy
BDylan31: are you alone?
jrecords_aliciakeys: i'm on tour
jrecords_aliciakeys: you know
jrecords_aliciakeys: surrounded by people
jrecords_aliciakeys: but also alone =(
BDylan31: yr pretty
jrecords_aliciakeys: blushing!!!!
BDylan31: we should tour together
jrecords_aliciakeys: yeah
BDylan31: you like tourin?
jrecords_aliciakeys: its aight
jrecords_aliciakeys: = alright
BDylan31: my daddy was a tourin man
jrecords_aliciakeys: he was?
BDylan31: he was always on the road
jrecords_aliciakeys: my dad wuz Jamaican
BDylan31: my daddy was a tourin man
BDylan31: always on the road
jrecords_aliciakeys: must have been hard
BDylan31: momma never liked him none
BDylan31: she jus bit her tongue and sewed
BDylan31: he sold suitcase soap and lemonade
BDylan31: lost ten bucks for every sale
jrecords_aliciakeys: oh
BDylan31: he sold suitcase soap and lemonade
BDylan31: lost ten bucks for every sale
jrecords_aliciakeys: too funny
BDylan31: one day he came home
BDylan31: said i sold my way to jail
jrecords_aliciakeys: brb

joetic champions compose

2006-08-07T07:22:00.000-07:00

WINNERS OF THE JOE LIEBERMAN POETRY CHALLENGE
Winners receive year-long subscription to Write It Like Disaster.

HAIKU DIVISION
(Cleopatra M., Louisiana)

Gossamer feelings
Nasal voice like droning bees
Forward Joementum

BEAT DIVISION
(excerpt)
(Peter C., Ohio)

I saw the melted road to the future and the approaching tongue of the redwhiteblue leader,
who kissed my cheek before the crowd, who dripped approval on me in the marble Capitol,
who studied coke and booze in universities and flew American skies til war's end,
who read books to babies under burning towers asking men to bring it on,
who choked on war and preztels, joked on newspaper menwomen, smoked out of spider holes hairy-faced men in sand countries...

IMAGIST DIVISION
(Rober P., San Diego)

this is just to say

i have voted
for ned lamont
who was in
the primary

and who
you were probably
hoping
to defeat

Forgive me
he was so democratic
anti-war
and not you

kidz corner

2006-08-04T07:19:00.000-07:00

Today's entry consists of submissions from some of our younger readers.

Q: Knock knock.
A: Who's there?
Q: Interrupting Mel Gibson.
A: Interrupting Mel Gibs...
Q: JEWWWWWWWW!!!!

(Darren L., 9 years old, Anti Defamation League Childcare Center, New York)

Q: Why was the Israeli chef mean?
A: Because he beat the eggs, whipped the cream, and dropped bombs on innocent civilians.

(Ali F., 7 years old, Gaza)

PARTISAN PLAYHOUSE!
Some of our young readers get help from their parents or teachers!

Q: Why did Joe Lieberman cross the road?
A: To get to the RNC headquarters.
(James O., 6 years old, DNC Daycare Facility, Washington, D.C.)

Q: Knock knock.
A: Who's there?
Q: The devil.
A: The devil who?
Q: Hillary Clinton.
(Matt W., 6 years old, Republican Preschool Program, Washington, D.C.)

Q: How many Ralph Naders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None! Ralph Nader rarely has to change his lightbulbs because he uses energy efficient compact fluorescents.
(Walden J., 12 years old, Green Party Young Minds Thinkcenter, Vermont)

Two bedsheets walk into a bar near Guantanamo Bay. The bartender says "We don't serve your kind in here" and points to a sign that says "No Bedsheets Allowed." The sheets leave and one says to the other, "I guess we're not going to have any drinks." The other says, "I have a plan."

He tears himself into long thin strips and enters a cell in Camp X-Ray. There, he fashions the pieces of himself into a makeshift rope and ties himself into a noose. Then he wraps himself around the neck of a prisoner who was never formally charged with a crime but had been held there for years without access to a lawyer. The sheet chokes the life out of the prisoner until he is dead.

A guard walks by the cell and sees the man hanging by his neck. The guard says, "Wasn't there a prisoner living in here, and shouldn't he have been protected from torture by the Geneva Conventions"? And the sheet says "I'm a frayed knot."

(Tommy B., 14 years old, ACLU Afterschool Program, Washington, D.C.)

slow earner

2006-07-25T07:42:00.000-07:00

A very small portion of the Internet was abuzz last week when a user claiming to be Thomas Pynchon posted a blurb to the description of his forthcoming book on Amazon.com. When the blurb disappeared the next day, readers wondered whether it had actually been submitted by the reclusive Pynchon, or was a hoax along the lines of the Wanda Tinasky letters. Pynchon has since been confirmed as the blurb's author, and his book, Against the Day will be released in December.

In the meantime, eager-eyed web readers have found these other pieces they wish to attribute to Mr. Pynchon, who, in addition to the major novels V., Gravity's Rainbow, and Mason & Dixon, has previously authored liner notes for indie rock band Lotion and offered notes on the script of an episode of "The John Laroquette Show."

eBay: Seller's description of Cuisinart 480z 6 Speed 500Watt Blender (Condition: Used):
Who sez you can't chop vegetables? Certainly not the next owner of this fine machine. It's a doozy, and at this price, a bargain to boot. Somewhere in the distance you can hear the celery screaming across the refrigerator, but it is too late: the food processing has begun. Don your chef's hat and grab that whisk, boys, folks will enjoy your summer soup, a.k.a. "Gazpacho," your pulverized parsley, and your minced almonds a la mode. Good luck.

Flickr: caption, photograph of wet puppy on a couch:
The dog sits on the sofa. Some would call it a love seat or sectional. The chair doesn't much care either way, and the emotions of its visitors have little effect on the wood, the wool, and the springs inside, this piece of furniture having seen far more in its lifetime than most of its guests could imagine. It remembered a night in Mexico City...

Us Magazine website, user comment, blog entry: Whose Video is Hotter - Ashlee's or Jessica's?:
[excerpt] ...quite as sleezy, what?" Dorita Coolranch answered with a flick of her wrist. "But you have to admit her latest video is better." The clock struck fourteen and the gong commenced its vibration. "C'mon, Ernie, lets get going," Dorita said. Ernest "Camp" Hayvurn chucked his bottle and grabbed for his guitar. To the Sailor's Moon Cafe, then... CHAPTER 4: IN WHICH ASHLEE GETS A NOSE JOB: Schoenmaker first made two incisions, one on either side through the internal lining of the nose, near the septum at the lower border of the side cartilage...

exceptional

2006-07-23T19:47:00.000-07:00

The New York Times, July 23, 2006:
GROUP OBJECTS TO BUSH'S 'SIGNING STATEMENTS'
The American Bar Association said Sunday that President Bush was flouting the Constitution and undermining the rule of law by claiming the power to disregard selected provisions of bills that he signed.

Historians have recently uncovered these other previously unknown signing statements from history.

John Kennedy, Executive Order 10924 (establishing Peace Corps), 1961:
*For clarity’s sake, when this act refers to "the globe," it is speaking of the planet Earth and not my enormous head.

Franklin Roosevelt, United States Executive Order 9066 (authorizing internment of Japanese-Americans), 1942:
*This does not apply to Nips in wheelchairs – they have it tough enough as it is.

William Howard Taft, Payne-Aldrich Tariff Act, 1909:
*These higher tariff rates shall not apply to food products dedicated to consumption by the President of the United States, signatory to this act. Additionally, a copy of this law shall be transcribed onto the side of a lamb shank, which the President will then eat with delicious barbecue sauce.

Abraham Lincoln, Emancipation Proclamation, 1862:
*I reserve the right to force into slavery any douchebag that calls my wife ugly or shoots me.

Franklin Pierce, Kansas-Nebraska Act, 1854:
*If anyone has a better idea for how to handle this, please let me know. (You can reach me by post at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave, Washington, D.C. I would provide my zip code, but it has not yet been invented.)

John Adams, Alien and Sedition Acts, 1798:
*Unto the Condtions set out above– Is added this Decree – Henceforth shall the Vice President be regarded as an Ass –Who may lick my scrotal Regions – If the Man can find a Moment in which he is not engaged with one of his Slaves.

friedman rock

2006-07-13T21:40:00.000-07:00

A transcript follows.

Let's get today's chat started.

Our guest is acclaimed author Thomas L. Friedman, author of "The World Is Flat" and "The Lexus and the Olive Tree." He first came to my attention as the author of 1989's "From Beirut to Jerusalem," a National Book Award winner. As an expert on globalization and the Middle East, he should offer some interesting insights into today's increasingly volatile international situation.

Thomas L. Friedman: Hey everyone, good to be here.

Raleigh, NC: Fried -

I hope that you've gotten a lot of messages like this, but I think the Friedman Rock crew should collectively pour a sip on the ground for Syd Barrett. Thanks.

Thomas L. Friedman: I'm not sure what you're talking about, but thanks for joining us.

Washington, D.C.: How sad and ironic that Syd Barret died on the same day Pink Floyd released the long-awaited Pulse DVD. Even though he was never an integral part of the band's success. His much-publicized influence on the band has never been properly credited. Without Syd, my favorite Floyd album, "Wish You Were Here," never happens.

I'm sure Gilmour and the boys will send all of the profits from this latest release to his estate. They have been compensating his estate since he left.

Thomas L. Friedman: I think you may have logged into the wrong chat.

Takoma Park, Md.: So, what do you like for R and B this summer.

I caught Van Hunt opening for the Heavies this weekend and WHOA!

I picked up Omar's new release, "Sing...if you want it" from the UK. Great stuff.

Tough for a guy raised in the 80's on quality funk and R&B to find music today. Everybody is following, not enough people stretching out.

Thomas L. Friedman: You mentioned the UK. It will be interesting to see how their policy shifts in a post-Blair government.

national cathedral: What's up with Fugazi? Are they still together, they have not done the Fort Reno thing is ages. I am from here but lived over seas most of my life and missed most of their very active years. Any news?

thanks I love these chats

Thomas L. Friedman: An overseas guest! Welcome to the chat. It's clear that even in the world of online discussions, globalism is making its presence known. The Internet makes this sort of cross-ocean conversation possible. I am not sure who Fugazi is.

Let's shift the discussion over to Middle East topics.

Atlanta, Ga.: This down year in music will certainly pick up on August 22nd. That's the day that Outkast's "Idlewild" will drop.

Thomas L. Friedman: Seriously, does anyone have any questions about the Middle East?

Whither the Long Golden Mohawk?: Have there been any Sly Stone sightings since the Grammys?

Thomas L. Friedman: I am not sure. I will point out that the Grammys have added more world music categories recently, and even given over a separate awards show to the Latin Grammys.

I'd love to talk about the current geopolitical climate.

Truth or Consequences, NM: Nothing to say about the Thom Yorke album?

Thomas L. Friedman: No.

Bethesda, Md.: rest in peace syd Barrett,

I had heard rumors that Syd was not in the best of health, wonder if this will spur the rest of the band to do a concert....?

Thomas L. Friedman: The tech guru running this chat tells me that the band in question is Pink Floyd, who played at the Live 8 concerts arranged to coincide with the G8 summit last year.

There's an interesting discussion to be had regarding debt relief and globalism if anyone wants to talk about it.

Glen Ellyn, Ill.: Mr. Friedman,

Have you joined Jay-Z's Cristal boycott yet? I'm thinking of going back to Rolling Rock myself.

Thomas L. Friedman: I read about this boycott in The Economist. Unfortunately I'm no expert on hip hop music. No takers on the globalism/debt-relief discussion?

Arlington, Va.: TLF, I must commend you on your recommendations. I took a chance on Gnarls Barkley a couple of months ago and after last week, I downloaded LDN. Both songs have since made my Mix CD Of The Summer. What else do you recommend these days?

By the way, I promise to properly attribute any listeners' amazement and delight in my car to you, but I can't promise any royalties.

Thomas L. Friedman: The books on tape version of "The World Is Flat" is great listening for the commute.

I'm not familiar with the other music you mention. Perhaps you have me confused with someone else?

Cash: Hey Friedman,

Got the new Cash CD and it is really good. One of the best is a Springsteen tune which I don't think ever appeared on a Bruce CD.

Rather depressing for the younger folk but for an old guy like me (49), it really hit the spot......

Thomas L. Friedman: Well, I do know who Johnny Cash and Bruce Springsteen are. Unfortunately, I have not heard the most recent Cash CD. In fact, I thought he passed away some time ago. Does he really have a new CD?

At 49, you are not old!

There's some serious stuff happening in the Middle East. Let's talk about it.

Speaking of "The Boss".....: Rage Against The Machine's "The Ghost of Tom Joad" and video of the song totally rock. -sigh- Too bad they're not still around.

Thomas L. Friedman: Nobody expected Ariel Sharon's Kadima party to survive after his stroke, but Olmert has done a good job of keeping it together. Of course, some suggest his lack of hardline military experience means he must make concessions to strong defense elements of the government in order to maintain power. The flare up in Gaza (and now Lebanon) might derail his plans for a unilateral West Bank pull out.

Silver Spring, Md.: Do you like Trance/Electronica music (like Paul Oakenfold, Sasha, Paul Van Dyk)?

Thomas L. Friedman: I was in Beirut during its last period of violence, as discussed in my book "From Beirut to Jerusalem." They recently made steps towards independence from the interfering hands of Syria after the assassination of Rafik Hariri, but much of that progress seems lost now.

More fun in the new world....: Henry Rollins is touring with X! Are you going to the 930 Club on 8/15? Will you bootleg the show for me? (I keed, I keed.)

Thomas L. Friedman: Last chance for anyone who wants to discuss the Middle East...

Rage....: I love their cover and live performance with Cypress Hill on "How I Could Just Kill A Man." Cypress Hill is one of the best rap groups of all time. Or at least through their first 3-4 albums.

Thomas L. Friedman: You assholes are wasting an incredible opportunity. I am a fucking genius on globalism.

Washington, D.C.: Lily Allen's latest album is available on her myspace page. I am listening to it now. Not bad.

End of transcript.

bad company

2006-07-11T21:52:00.000-07:00

The Washington Post, July 12, 2006:
ARMY TO END EXPANSIVE, EXCLUSIVE HALLIBURTON DEAL
The Army is discontinuing a controversial multibillion-dollar deal with oil services giant Halliburton Co. to provide logistical support to U.S. troops worldwide, a decision that could cut deeply into the firm's dominance of government contracting in Iraq.

Most Successful Burtons:

Tim Burton
Sir Richard Burton
Halliburton
Richard Burton
LeVar Burton
Burton Reynolds
Bert and Ernie (phonetic Burton)
"Beast of Burton" - The Rolling Stones (1978)
tie - Cliff Burton / Jason Newstead

american tune

2006-07-04T12:30:00.000-07:00

The Declaration of Independence as compiled via Mad Libs by five students of different ages:

FIRST GRADER:
When in the Circus of human lasers, it becomes silly for one people to dissolve the smelly bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the poopheads of the earth, the ugly and stupid station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's hot dog entitle them, a decent respect to the elbows of mankind requires that they should fart the causes which impel them to the toy stores.
SEVENTH GRADER:
We hold these dildos to be self-evident, that all fags are created equal, that they are endowed by their Stacy is a slut with certain unalienable titties, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of blowjobs. --That to secure these rights, cockrings are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the stupid Pollocks, --That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Scrotum of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its penthouses on such principles and organizing its pubic hairs in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and blowjobs. Prudence, indeed, will scream while fucking that Governments long established should not be changed for hairy and gay causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that goats having sex are more disposed to suffer, while handjobs are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the pink tacos to which they are accustomed. But when a long orgy of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same orgasm evinces a design to reduce them under absolute mirrored ceilings, it is their right, it is their duty, to jerk off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security. —Such has been the lame sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the [left blank] which constrains them to alter their former [left blank] of [left blank]. The history of the present [left blank] is a history of repeated [left blank]and usurpations, all having in direct [left blank]the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these [left blank]. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid fag.
LIBERAL ARTS COLLEGE SOPHOMORE:
He has refused his Assent to Guggenheim museums, the most methodical and necessary for the public good.

M.C. Escher has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of tangential and sympathetic importance, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to defenestrate to them.

Trey Anastasio has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of vegans, unless those people would relinquish the right of Representation in the sucky corporate Starbucks, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.

George Eliot has called together legislative bodies at fraternities rape unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their public Records, for the sole purpose of stoning them into compliance with his measures.

Jean Baudrillard has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the iPods of the people.

Wes Anderson has refused for a long time, after such drum circles, to cause others to be elected; whereby the Legislative powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the sheep at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of parents from hometowns, and convulsions within.

Jonathan Safran Foer has endeavoured to prevent the population of these George W. Bush sucks; for that purpose obstructing the meat is murder for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to ultimate frisbee others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.

[this page removed to roll marijuana joint]

Todd has combined with todd to subject us to a todd foreign to our constitution and unacknowledged by our Todds; giving his Assent to their Todd of pretended Legislation:
GRADUATE STUDENT, COLONIAL AMERICAN HISTORY:
For Quartering large bodies of armed troops among us:

For protecting them, by a mock Trial, from punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these States:

For cutting off our Trade with all parts of the world:

For imposing Taxes on us without our Consent:

For depriving us, in many cases, of the benefits of Trial by Jury:

For transporting us beyond Oceans to be tried for pretended offences:

For abolishing the free System of English Laws in a neighbouring Province, establishing therein an Arbitrary government, and enlarging its Boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these Colonies:

For taking away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws, and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments:

For suspending our own Legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.

He has abdicated Government here, by declaring us out of his Protection and waging War against us.

He has plundered our seas, ravaged our Coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.

He is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to compleat the works of death, desolation and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty and perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized nation.

He has constrained our fellow Citizens taken Captive on the high Seas to bear Arms against their Country, to become the executioners of their friends and Brethren, or to fall themselves by their Hands.

He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages, whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.

In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms:
SENIOR ENROLLED IN CONTINUING EDUCATION SEMINAR AT SACRED HEART ASSISTED LIVING CENTER:
Our repeated I don't understand have been I only by repeated Marge, do I write something here?. A Prince whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a what time is Shirley coming?, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.

Nor have We been I told you I already took them in attentions to our British brethren. We have warned them from time to time of I SAID I ALREADY TOOK THEM by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have I don't know where yours are to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the didn't you leave them in the bathroom? of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our The bathroom? and No, I said 'the BATHROOM!'. They too have been turn your hearing aid back on to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. What time did you say Shirley is coming? must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of I can't eat fish any more, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.

We, therefore, the Dr. What's his name said I shouldn't eat fish of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the you know, the Indian one with the eyebrows of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by the Authority of the good People of these Dr. Koolwal, that's it, solemnly publish and declare, That these United Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent I said 'DR. KOOLWAL'; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the well if you knew, why didn't you tell me? I was trying to think up his name, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally That might be Shirley; and that as Free and Independent I'm trying to do that book Joe sent us, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to Joe, Mary's son, Joe, the one who plays soccer all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. And for the support of this Shirley, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Marge's hearing aid isn't working, we mutually pledge to each other my wife Marge, our Fortunes and our sacred she's in the bathroom, Shirley. I can't eat fish.

la dolce vita

2006-06-29T15:35:00.000-07:00

Some captions one is unlikely to see accompanying celebrity photographs in tabloid publications:

Dwight Yoakam unveils a painting of his cat at a gallery opening in Upper Marlboro. The cat is named Detective Whiskers.
Jennifer Lopez teases a child with a lisp who asked for her autograph outside FAO Schwartz. In the background, Rick Schroeder sells pretzels from a cart.
Annabeth Gish waits in line to buy a taco in Malibu.
The late Charles S. Dutton is memorialized in this sculpture made from sugar at Hershey Park in Pennsylvania, two years from today, following his tragic death at the hands of a mongoose on the set of Pitfall: The Movie.

going for the gold

2006-05-31T22:46:00.000-07:00

The New York Times, May 31, 2006:
INVESTIGATOR AND ANTI-DOPING GROUP CLASH ON ARMSTRONG TESTS
Lance Armstrong won a small victory today in clearing his name of doping allegations connected with the 1999 Tour de France, the first of his record seven wins in the race. A Dutch lawyer hired by the International Cycling Union issued a report that said drug tests conducted on urine samples from the 1999 Tour de France were mishandled and, in turn, the test results could not be linked with Armstrong or any other athlete.

ICU GUIDELINES FOR PROPER HANDLING OF URINE SAMPLES:

Always wear rubber gloves while handling urine.
Do not place urine samples on counter near small cups of apple juice.
If you need to urinate while conducting tests, always go to the lavatory. Do not, under any circumstances, use the cyclists' urine samples as a receptacle for your own urine.
To clarify the "glove" rule above -- you should wear some protective garment on your hands, and gloves are recommended over mittens, because they allow greater dexterity.
Do not place a crucifix or any other religious artifact into the urine sample. If, by accident, a crucifix falls into a urine sample, the sample should be marked as contaminated and must be disposed of properly. Do not photograph the sample in order to sell the negatives to Andres Serrano collectors.
If you have deformed fingers, you are allowed to wear rubber mittens. If anyone asks, tell them you have deformed fingers, but do not specify what sort of deformity.
Do not wear clothing that is white with yellow flowers, because if you accidentally spill a urine sample, you may not notice immediately.
Do not stir the urine samples with the same spoon you used to mix the human-growth-hormone cocktail for your daughter who is being treated for Turner's Syndrome.
Samples are to be tested blindly to preserve anonymity -- do not wrap a "Live Strong" bracelet around Mr. Armstrong's urine sample to identify it.
Do not make a musical instrument by pouring the urine samples into various pieces of crystal stemware and rubbing your fingertip around the rims of the different glasses to create diferent pitches.
Whether you are wearing rubber gloves or rubber mittens, do not put them over your head and inflate them by breathing out your nose like Howie Mandel used to do before he started wearing the gloves on his hands as a result of his OCD.
When in doubt, it is best not to emulate any of Mr. Mandel's behavior when you are in a labratory setting.

the break-up of the species

2006-05-21T21:32:00.000-07:00

The Economist, May 20, 2006:
EVOLUTION: Humans could have interbred with chimpanzees
... a study published this week by scientists in America ... concludes that humans and chimpanzees interbred after the two species first separated, before eventually going their different ways some 5.4m years ago. Humans are thus much more recently related to their closest relatives than was previously thought.

Excuses for Breaking Up With Members of Another Species:

"There are literally other fish in the sea."
"Things are moving too fast. I'm just not ready for a short-beaked finch at this point in my life."
"I've evolved into someone else."
"I'm sorry, but I just don't love you anymore. Especially when you throw poop at me."
"I hope we can still be friends."
"I'm going to be away at college, and you're a rhesus monkey."
"Dear John, This is the hardest letter I've ever had to write. Especially because I don't have thumbs. Holding the pencil is almost impossible. I don't think we should see each other anymore."
"It's not your kingdom, phylum, class, order and genus; it's my kingdom, phylum, class, order and genus."
"I'm gay. And not a walrus."
"You're a Gazella thomsonii, and I'm a Gazella subgutturosa." (applies only to gazelles)

they might be brazen giants

2006-05-15T08:06:00.000-07:00

The Washington Post, May 15, 2006:
BUSH SET TO SEND GUARD TO BORDER
President Bush tried to ease the worries of his Mexican counterpart yesterday as he prepared for a nationally televised address tonight unveiling a plan to send thousands of National Guard troops to help seal the nation's southern border against illegal immigrants.

Coyotes -- illegal smugglers who offer to transport aliens for a fee -- suggest that there will still be ways to get their clients across the border.

Dig an underground tunnel from Mexico to Canada, then walk into U.S.A. by crossing less stringently guarded northern border.
Using an Acme Fish Suit, dress up like a large sea bass and swim into the ocean. Be caught on the hook of an American fisher, and allow him to take you into his home. Just before you are gutted and cooked, remove the costume and run away.
Begin training as a pole vaulter. Become very good at it, to the point where you can jump over the highest walls using only a long stick to assist you. Then join the Mexican Olympic team and travel to the 2008 Olympics in Beijing. After winning a gold medal, hide yourself in the suitcase of an American athlete.
Reverse the signs at the border so it looks like Mexico is the U.S. and the U.S. is Mexico. As thousands of Americans flee towards Mexico in the confusion, you can slip into the U.S. -- nobody will stop you because they'll think you're sneaking into Mexico.
Fit yourself into a gasoline cannister. Attach a price tag that says "$1.89 a gallon." Leave yourself in a visible spot near the border. Soon an American will smuggle you into the country and pour you into his SUV. In between when he puts you in the car and when he turns the ignition, climb out the gas valve.

letter at 1600

2006-05-08T21:51:00.000-07:00

Associated Press, May 9, 2006:
RICE: IRAN LETTER DOESN'T RESOLVE STANDOFF
Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice dismissed a letter that Iran's president sent to President Bush on Monday, saying the first direct communication from an Iranian leader in 27 years does not help resolve the standoff over Tehran's disputed nuclear program.

This is not the first time the United States has received a letter from another country's leader.

Dear "President" Washington, I wish to "make apologies" for the "War" of "Independence" that recently got out of hand. I hope we can put this whole mess behind us and become friendly nations again. You were right about the tea tax, it was way too high. Sincerely, King George

Dear Co-President Lincoln, Sometimes I don't even remember what we're fighting about. Do you think we should get together and talk about reuniting our countries? Maybe we could trade the presidencies every 6 months? And have 6 months of slavery, then 6 months of no slavery? I'm just brainstorming here. Anyway, get in touch. Your pal? Jeff Davis.

Dear President Hoover, Your handling of the current economic Depression sucks. You suck. Someone should name a vacuum after you. Oh, wait, there's already a Hoover vacuum. I wonder which sucks more, you or the vacuum? I would bet on you since the vacuum's poor financial management did not cause me to lose my life savings. Tomorrow I'll be sober, but you'll still suck. If you are ever in Britain, please get bent. Winston Churchill.

Dear JFK, I will consider removing my missles from Cuba if you can arrange for me to sleep with your American actress Marilyn Monroe. Please consider this offer. Nikita Krushchev.

Yo Kennedy! I will forget about your attempt to oust me at the Bay of Pigs if you can arrange for me to sleep with Marilyn Monroe. Just once. Although, between you and me, I think once she's tried Fidel, she'll never go back. Yours, Fidel Castro.

Deal Plesident Nixon, Me rikee vely much if you come visit me countree. I no get arong with Lussia again. Is velly funny that I lite with accent too, no? Haldree makee sense at all. Cartoonish, velly much. Sayonara, Mao Zedong.

Dear Mr. Carter, I do not think I will be releasing your hostages any time soon. If I do, however, I had an idea for a New York Post headline -- you could have a picture of you hugging the freed hostages outside the White House and the headline would be "'Welcome Back' - Carter" Get it? It sounds like your TV show "Welcome Back, Kotter," no? The one with the Sweathogs? I come up with a lot of good funny headlines. Do you know who hires people for that job at the Post? I think I would be good at it. Seriously. But like I said, I will not be releasing your hostages. Signed, Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini.

Dear President Reagan, You recently asked me to consider tearing down the Berlin Wall. I am thinking about it, and wondering if there is any chance you can arrange for me to sleep with the "Solid Gold" host Marilyn McCoo? Sincerely, Mikhail Gorbachev

sloppy seconds

2006-04-24T21:05:00.000-07:00

The New York Times, April 25, 2006:
HARVARD NOVELIST SAYS COPYING WAS UNINTENTIONAL
Kaavya Viswanathan, the Harvard sophomore accused of plagiarizing parts of her recently published chick-lit novel, acknowledged yesterday that she had borrowed language from another writer's books, but called the copying "unintentional and unconscious."

Here are some other suspect passages from How Opal Mehta Got Kissed, Got Wild and Got a Life:

"The three rules of the Tipping Point — the Law of the Few, the Stickiness Factor, the Power of Context — offer a way of making sense of epidemics. They provide Opal Metha with direction for how to go about reaching a Tipping Point. The balance of her application essay will take these ideas and apply them to other puzzling situations and epidemics from the world around her."

"The first thing you'll probably want to know, if you really want to hear about it, is where she was born and what her lousy high school was like, and how her parents were occupied and all before she got into Harvard, and all that Bridget Jones kind of crap, but she doesn't feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth."

"The college application process breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good students and the very gentle students and the very brave students impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too but there will be no early admission."

"Sitting beside the road, watching the wagon mount the hill toward her, Opal Metha thinks, "I have come to Harvard: a fur piece. All the way to Alabama a-driving. A fur piece.'"

"She was so deeply imbedded in her consciousness that for the first year of Harvard, Opal seems to have believed that each of her professors was her mother in disguise."

"In the beginning when Opal created her application essay, the application was a formless void and darkness covered the face of the packet, while a wind from the air conditioner swept over the face of the Poland Spring waters. Then Opal said "Let there be an essay"; and there was an essay. And Opal saw that the essay was good; and Harvard's admissions office separated the good essays from the bad. Harvard admitted the good essays, and the bad they rejected that Night. And there were rejects and there were students, the first years."

last days

2006-04-19T22:15:00.000-07:00

The New York Times, April 20, 2006:
ROVE IS GIVING UP DAILY POLICY POST TO FOCUS ON VOTE
The overhaul of the White House staff intensified on Wednesday as Karl Rove, one of the president's most powerful and feared advisers, gave up day-to-day control over the administration's domestic policy to concentrate on the midterm elections. Scott McClellan, the White House press secretary, said he was stepping down.

INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAY

GEORGE W. BUSH, the president, is conducting an exit interview with KARL ROVE and SCOTT McCLELLAN.

BUSH
I hate to see you guys go.

McCLELLAN
As I've said before, that's not something we're going to discuss at this time.

Everybody laughs.

BUSH
You sure did have to say that a lot on my behalf.

McCLELLAN
I can't comment while there's an ongoing investigation.

ROVE
That joke's going to get old pretty fast.

BUSH
Give him a chance. He's been repeating the same phrases for years.

ROVE
Maybe it's time to change the circuitry.

McCLELLAN
I think we've already addressed that matter.

ROVE
Shut up, Scott.

ROVE opens the back panel on McCLELLAN's back and flips a switch. McCLELLAN slumps forward, accompanied by the sound effect of an android being deactivated.

BUSH
He was a robot this whole time?!?

DETECTIVE ALLEN
That's right. I checked his alibi, and it didn't hold up.

It begins to rain.

LAURA
I love you, George. I always have. I should have told you sooner.

BUSH
Wait, Laura, if you're here, who's looking after the kids?

CUT TO:

INT. WHITE HOUSE KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS

BARNEY, a Scottish Terrier, is wearing an apron and serving the twins breakfast.

JENNA
Eggs again?

BARBARA
Barney!

BARNEY resigns as White House dog.

frommer's meets hudson hawk

2006-04-18T09:52:00.000-07:00

The Guy Who Reviewed the 'Darwin' Exhibit Presents a Book Review

I just read a fascinating book that I think you're going to be hearing a lot about. It's called The Davinci Code and it's about a scavenger hunt for the Holy Grail. Now I know what you're thinking -- books are for nerds and gays. That's what I used to think. In the past, when people would ask me "What good are books for?" I'd respond "Not much, unless you're backpacking through Europe and need to know where stuff is. Or are trying to identify the nerds you want to beat up." BUT LET ME TELL YOU! This book reads just like a travel guide! Practically every other paragraph is filled with historical trivia and facts about sightseeing. The other parts are an exciting story. You'll hardly know you're reading a book at all, and you might not even want to beat up nerds when you're done!

How did I end up reading it? Well, I was laid up for a week with an infection that I won't discuss here, but let's just say it had to do with Spring Break, tequila, and gonorrhea. Anyway, I needed something to do, so I sent Gretchen to the Best Buy to get Hostel on DVD. There was some sort of mix-up that resulted in her getting kicked out of the store, so she went to Wal-Mart instead. Of course, she's still got five months before she's allowed back in the electronics department there, so she had to buy me a book instead. I'm sure glad she did!

The main character in the book is Robert Langdon, a Harvard professor. Don't worry -- this isn't one of those annoying stories where the author wastes space with a lot of insignificant details about the character's personality and life story. In fact, the only character trait Langdon has is a Mickey Mouse wristwatch that he wears. Langdon teaches at Harvard, which is great, because sometimes in the book he has flashbacks to lectures he gave at Harvard, so it's like getting a free Harvard education for the price of the book ($7.99 in paperback).

The most surprising thing about this book is that it teaches you while you read it. For instance, did you know that the church has been accused of various kinds of misconduct over the years? It's true. Or that the Mona Lisa is a famous painting in the Louvre? It's true, too. Also, all albinos are all pathologically evil people.

The author, Dan Brown, uses some neat and original tricks to keep the story flowing. One example is when he makes you think one character is the villain, when he's actually a good guy, while the guy who is actually the villain seems like he is a good guy, and you don't suspect him because he's crippled. I'm not sure if he was actually crippled, or just faking it, because they say he was involved with polo when he was a child, and I don't think someone could play a sport like that if their legs didn't work. How would he get on the horse? Another cool thing is that at the end of each chapter, there's an unanswered question and you have to read the next chapter to find out what happens next.

The first thing I thought when Gretchen brought the book home was: Great! Here's a chick book full of romantic crap like those Oprah books she's always reading (you can tell from the titles they're going to be girly: Night, The Heart Is A Lonely Hunter, Light In August, etc). But there's no sappy romance at all in The Davinci Code even though the other main character is a girl named Sophie. There's one kiss with her at the end, but I've done a lot more than that with girls I don't care about, so it probably doesn't mean anything. Plus, she's Jesus' great granddaughter, so I don't think she's even allowed to have sex.

In conclusion, you should check out this book. I hear they're making a movie of it, but you should try to read it first, so you get the full experience. There's no way they'll be able to get all the book's adjectives, adverbs, and exclamation points up there on the screen.

take a sad song and make it better

2006-04-12T23:05:00.000-07:00

The New York Times, April 7, 2006:
IN ANCIENT DOCUMENT, JUDAS, MINUS THE BETRAYAL
An early Christian manuscript, including the only known text of the Gospel of Judas, has surfaced after 1,700 years, and it portrays Judas Iscariot not as a betrayer of Jesus but as his favored disciple and willing collaborator.

How the world would be different if the Gospel of Judas had been found earlier:

After Bob Dylan performs a triumphant electric set at Manchester's Free Trade Hall in 1966, an appreciative fan calls out "Judas!" to show his respect for Dylan's iconoclastic ways. "Thank you," Dylan replies pleasantly, before launching into a well-mannered version of "Like a Rolling Stone."

Lacking any mystical meaning, the value of 30 pieces of silver is rated against the world's precious metal market, currently about $12.62 an ounce.

Fans discover that, when played backwards, an album by the folk group Judas Priest reveals subliminal life-affirming messages that cure depression.

In his famous painting of The Last Supper, Leonardo Da Vinci portrays Jesus winking at Judas about their plan. Some scholars believe this to reveal a homo-erotic nature to their relationship, which Da Vinci adamantly denies.

In 1970, Andrew Lloyd Webber and Tim Rice compose the hit musical Jesus and Judas, Superstars, which depicts Jesus as a messy sports enthusiast and Judas as his uptight roommate.

lamarck of the beast

2006-04-08T03:04:00.000-07:00

The New York Times, April 6, 2006:
FOSSIL CALLED MISSING LINK FROM SEA TO LAND ANIMALS
Scientists have discovered fossils of a 375-million-year-old fish, a large scaly creature not seen before, that they say is a long-sought missing link in the evolution of some fishes from water to a life walking on four limbs on land.

In light of this news, The Best of Write It Like Disaster presents:
An Idiot Reviews the ‘Darwin’ Exhibit
at the American Museum of Natural History
from February 26, 2006:

First of all, if you’re expecting a retrospective about the dolphin from the popular television series "SeaQuest DSV," or at the very least a tasteful tribute to the late actor Jonathan Brandis, then you’re in for a rude awakening at this museum.

Apparently this is exhibit is about an old scientist. I asked one of the guards, and he said it was possible the "SeaQuest" dolphin had been named after the old scientist, but he was not really familiar with the show so he could not be sure. I found it hard to believe someone would be so ignorant of the world as to not know about "SeaQuest." And believe me, I mentioned the original captain Roy Scheider AND Michael Ironside from when it was "SeaQuest 2032," and neither version rang a bell for this guy. Things were not off to a good start.

If you’re like me, your first question is: So what did this guy Darwin look like? Well, according to the stuffed dolls on sale in the gift shop, he was bald and had messy white hair, just like Alfred Einstein. But you can tell them apart because Darwin is not pictured in front of a blackboard with E=MC2 written on it it.

Oh, I almost forgot. Even though there’s no mention of "SeaQuest," there’s a lot of references to the Natasha Henstridge movie Species, which Charles Darwin apparently came up with the idea for. There aren’t any pictures or props from the film, I think because the museum couldn’t afford them. But there are a lot of pages from his notebook from when he was coming up with the movie. I don’t know if he wrote Species II or not.

At the door to the exhibit, there are two big turtles that are alive. I watched them for like an hour and they didn’t do anything. But after I came out of the exhibit, one had pooped AND moved across the floor. I was mad that I missed that!

So then you go inside and there’s a lot of stuff about Charles Darwin. First there’s stuff about him growing up, which is boring, unless you like old-timey stuff. For instance, they have his rock hammer in a glass case. Why was that there? I wondered. Did he hammer someone to death? I asked a guy with glasses, but he said he didn’t think Darwin hit anyone with the hammer. The Glasses Guy said Darwin was interested in rocks and how old the Earth was, which helped lead to his theory. I said, Why didn’t he just cut open the Earth and count the rings? The Glasses Guy laughed like I had made a very fine joke, so I pretended I had. We both had a good laugh, and I decided to keep up with him, so he could explain things to me.

Then there was a movie playing that I wanted to watch, but the glasses guy walked right past it! Before you think he’s retarded, though, it wasn’t a real movie like King Kong or King Arthur or King Ralph. It was a museum movie, so it probably sucked anyway.

Then there was a model ship. The guy said it was called The Beagle. I said that was a stupid name for a ship and if I ever had a ship I’d call it the "U.S.S. Fang Monster." The Glasses Guy looked at his watch and walked ahead some more. He was probably embarrassed that he couldn’t think up a cool ship name like I did.

Next was a bunch of fake animals from some islands called "Galapagos." I wrote it down on my hand because it was such a weird name I wanted to remember. Sometimes I write phone numbers on my hand when I don’t have paper with me and I want to call a girl later. Usually I forget and wash my hand in the shower the next day and don’t get to call her because I lost her number. One time I saw an old guy with a girl’s number tattooed on the inside of his wrist, so I thought he must have really wanted to call whoever gave him the number so bad that he was worried it would come off in the shower. I even said that to him. I said "I guess you were worried about the showers, huh?" and pointed at the number on his wrist, and he got all serious and said he had never been more terrified of anything in his life. It was weird.

Anyway: All the animals from "Galapagos" were funny looking. Glasses Guy said they had something to do with Darwin thinking it was decent of man. To be honest, I sort of stopped paying attention to him for a while here because I saw this little skeleton which turned out to be from a vampire bat. When I turned around he had left. This is where they had all of Darwin’s papers from writing the movie Species. I guess he was really ahead of his time, but looking at a bunch of papers is boring. The only cool part here was a little stuffed monkey dressed in human clothes. The sign said zoos in England used to dress up monkeys like people when Darwin was alive. That must have been cute to see, except when they throw poop at each other. Can you imagine being a stupid animal with nothing better to do than throw poop around all day? I’m glad I’m not a monkey.

This was where the museum ended, so I went back to the beginning and that was when I saw the turtles had pooped while I was inside. That was a bummer. So if you go to the Darwin exhibit, don’t go past where the two turtles are, because you might miss the chance to see them poop like I did.

I usually end my reviews with a thumbs-up or down, but if you’ve read this far, you know I didn’t really like Darwin, so thumbs are not necessary.

while you're still on the stand

2006-03-28T00:29:00.000-08:00

The New York Times, March 28, 2006:
MOUSSAOUI NOW TIES HIMSELF TO 9/11 PLOT
Zacarias Moussaoui, who is facing the death penalty for the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks, took the witness stand in his own defense Monday, only to bolster the government's case by unhesitatingly acknowledging the charges in the indictment against him and adding a few new, self-incriminating statements.

EXCERPTS FROM COURT TRANSCRIPT:

Gerald T. Zerkin (defense attorney): You were not supposed to be a 20th hijacker with the men who hijacked the planes on September 11th, isn't that right?

Moussaoui: That is correct.

Zerkin: So you weren't part of that conspiracy.

Moussaoui: I was supposed to fly a plane into the White House.

Zerkin: Uh, I think you mean, um, I mean ... you were supposed to fly this plane into the, uh, White House, as part of a second wave, right?

Moussaoui: No, same wave. Also, I was going to rape someone on the plane and park illegally at the airport on the morning of the attack.

* * *

Robert J. Spencer (chief prosecutor): You lied to an FBI investigator in Minneapolis.

Moussaoui: Did I ever!

Spencer: This was to allow the 9/11 attacks to go forward, to keep them a secret?

Moussaoui: Mostly. But also, I had made an illegal wager with my drug dealer about whether or not I would lie to an FBI agent. I wanted to win that bet.

Spencer: Drug dealer?

Moussaoui: Totally. I met him while scalping tickets to a Pearl Jam concert. He's a good guy. Taught me how to evade taxes.

Zerkin: Objection! This "drug dealer" is not on the witness list.

Moussaoui: That's because I killed him.

Spencer: You had a disagreement?

Moussaoui: Not, it was totally premeditated. You know, first degree murder kind of stuff.

* * *

Zerkin: Khalid Sheikh Mohammed has said that you weren't supposed to be a part of the first wave of attacks.

Moussaoui: He's wrong. I was. I even made plans with Mohammed Atta to hang out the Monday night before. I remember specifically because we were going to videotape the Broncos/Giants game even though we didn't have the express written consent of the NFL commissioner.

* * *

Spencer: You were hoping to fly a plane into the White House in order to kill Americans?

Moussaoui: That is correct, to kill Americans. I used to think about killing Americans all the time while. Especially when I was sitting around bootlegging DVDs, shooting bald eagles, and carrying an ice cream cone in my pocket in Georgia on a Sunday, which, by the way, is illegal.

Zerkin: Objection, your honor. I've looked that up on Snopes.com and it's not really illegal.

Judge Brinkema: Sustained.

Moussaoui: Did I mention it was stolen ice cream?

the dogs of march

2006-03-21T23:32:00.000-08:00

The New York Times, March 21, 2006:
ARMY DOG HANDLER IS CONVICTED IN DETAINEE ABUSE AT ABU GHRAIB
An Army dog handler was found guilty Tuesday of tormenting detainees at the Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq with his snarling Belgian shepherd for his own amusement.

INTERVIEW WITH MY DOG

Q: What do you think of the verdict?

A: I haven't read it yet. Actually, and this is kind of embarassing, I peed on the newspaper with the story in it.

Q: Sgt. Michael J. Smith was found guilty on 6 of 13 charges including maltreatment, dereliction of duty and conspiring with another Army dog handler to frighten detainees into urinating and defecating on themselves.

A: That last one doesn't sound so bad.

Q: The detainees were humans.

A: I see why that would be a problem.

Q: Do you agree with experts who say the Abu Ghraib scandals did irreversible damage to the Arab world's view of Americans?

A: The mistreatment of prisoners is a blemish that will not soon go away, but I don't believe it is permanent.

Q: You think the relationship can be fixed?

A: I told you in advance I wasn't going to talk about getting fixed.

Q: How does the release of graphic torture photos featuring K-9 officers affect you and your fellow dogs?

A: It certainly makes things rough. Rough. Rough rough. Rough rough rough. Rough rough rough. Rough rough.

Q: Who's a good boy? Are you a good boy?

A: Rough rough rough.

Q: Do you think we need a timetable for getting our troops out of Iraq?

A: We can't just cut and run. We are tied to the Iraqi people and we have an obligation -- if we don't act, global extremism will suffocate democracy, like a choke collar around its neck. The liberals would have us roll over and play dead, but I think we have to learn to shake off our complacency and be prepared to fetch evildoers wherever they are thrown. But we must be careful, because sometimes it looks like evildoers are being thrown far away, but they're really in the hand the whole time. And by that I mean sleeper cells.

Q: Do you think we have a solid plan for reconstruction?

A: Let's be honest. We've made a mess of things in Iraq. We walked right into their yard and took a dump. But better to do it in your neighbor's lawn than for you to come home one day and find a pile of poop in your own house, right? Now the only decent thing to do is scoop the insurgency up into a plastic bag, tie it up, and throw it away. The last thing we want is for someone else to step in it and spread it around.

Q: Thank you for talking with us.

A: I was led to believe there would be a treat involved.

picking on presidents

2006-03-20T19:36:00.000-08:00

Associated Press, March 20, 2006:
CARLOS SANTANA SPEAKS OUT AGAINST BUSH
Carlos Santana quoted his old friend Jimi Hendrix in an anti-war message here Monday and said his philosophy is the antithesis of President George W. Bush's.
"I have wisdom. I feel love. I live in the present and I try to present a dimension that brings harmony and healing," the 58-year-old rock icon said. "My concept is the opposite of George W. Bush."

GUITARISTS IN HISTORY COMMENT ON THE PRESIDENTS

Django Reinhardt on Herbert Hoover: "Well, you know, in addition to his poor handling of the American Great Depression, he failed to support two of my favorite causes. One is the equal treatment of gypsies. The other is, how you say, medical research into the defusing of fingers burned together in gypsy caravan fires, as well as the prevention of gypsy caravan fires."

Les Paul on Dwight D. Eisenhower: "I am well known as a pioneer in the fields of electric guitars, multi-tracking recording, and reverb effects. I created most of these innovations in my personal workshop. Therefore I am upset that Ike allowed the military-industrial complex to overshadow the advancements of individuals with intellectual curiousity. Also, I can't believe I'm still alive. I'm 91 years old and I still do a weekly show at New York's Iridium jazz club while Eisenhower is rotting away! You know who likes Ike now? Dirt, maggots, and daisies."

Wes Montgomery on John F. Kennedy: "Go ahead, look me up. This obscure reference will still be here when you get back."

Jimi Hendrix on Lyndon B. Johnson: "Dig, you know, that LBJ is a cool cat. All right, I mean he signed the Civil Rights Act. So, there you go, there you go. But I mean he did some bad things too. Like he escalated the war, and that' s not too groovy. Also, he could have done more to prevent accidental drownings, especially in vomit."

Peter Frampton on Gerald Ford: "He pardoned Nixon for Watergate, but his failure to win reelection in 1976 meant that he was unable to pardon me for my appearance with The Bee Gees in the horrible 1978 film of Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. I will never forgive him for that, just as you will never forgive me for pissing on a great work of art by The Beatles. By the way, if you're wondering why I care about U.S. presidents, it's because I became an American citizen after September 11, which was a disaster that caused almost as much suffering as my movie, Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band."

Billy Gibbons (ZZ Top) on Jimmy Carter: "Too much ears and lips, not enough beard."

Eddie Van Halen on Ronald Reagan: "That guy was such a bad president, I felt adamant that we should replace him with someone else, like Democrat Walter Mondale. I supported Mondale for a long time. But then I got sick of Mondale and thought maybe a third-party candidate would be good. That lasted for a few months.Then I supported Mondale again for a while, but he spent too much time at his bar in Cabo. Currently, my band does not have a president."

Kurt Cobain on Bill Clinton: "That guy's wife is one crazy bitch."

dress your uprising in crowd control and denim

2006-03-19T19:15:00.000-08:00

The New York Times, March 20, 2006:
PROTESTORS CHARGE FRAUD IN BELARUS PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION
An expected landslide for President Aleksandr G. Lukashenko drew several thousand Belarussians into the streets on Sunday, as protesters ignored swirling snow and official threats of arrest to denounce the election as a clumsily orchestrated sham.

from a flyer titled
"IMPORTANT MESSAGES FOR ELECTION PROTEST PARTICIPANTS"

Don't accept offers of "free pizza" from shadowy government agent types -- it is most likely a ruse to lure you into a back-alley beating. And even if it is a legitimate deal for free food, the pizza won't be very good. After all, we live in Minsk.
As you know, this is being called the "Denim Revolution." Bring a jacket or shirt to wave in the air as your piece of denim; don't bring pants. In photographs of large crowds, if you're waving pants, it looks like you're not wearing any.
At the last protest, some people yelled "LukaSKANKo," which is an amusing and offensive variation of our tyrant's name, but not relevant to the election fraud. Try to stay focused.
We've managed to get a large supply of novelty glasses with frames in the shape of "2006" at a discount -- please wear them to show that we won't wait another year for democracy... the time is now!
An underground printer has managed to produce new volumes of People's Will, the only independent daily newspaper in Belarus. As a result of government bullying, the new issues are shorter than usual, and unfortunately "The Boondocks" was cut to preserve space for election coverage. It will return with the end of Lukashenko's regime.
Supporters are urged to wave the flag of Independent Belarus, which Lukashenko banned, to show solidarity. Please note that this is not a carte blanche to display all your previously banned flags, especially if they have swastikas on them or declare a "No Fat Chicks" zone.
When being interviewed by international media about why you dislike Lukashenko, please stay on topic and stress the evil of his ruthless power-hungry actions rather than his bad comb-over or squeaky voice. A good example to use is the time he declared that he was the only person in the country who could call himself "president" and anyone else using that title, including leaders of sports clubs, must start calling themselves "chairman." But don't all use that example, or it will sound phony.
Be forewarned that if you are an electrician, police may try extra-hard to goad you into violence in order to get you arrested and confined to the infamous electrical repair shop where prisoners are often sent because our landlocked country does not have a gulag archipelago.
At the end of the protest, we will march down Independence Prospect to Victory Square. Do not follow pedestrians onto Subjugation Boulevard by mistake. By the way, once democracy is restored, we will pass a measure to rename that boulevard.
Many of you have requested that young victims of Chernobyl not be allowed to attend the rally because their disfigurements create socially awkward moments. Please remember that Lukashenka's attempts to ban them from seeking medical treatment abroad is one of the reasons for our uprising. If we succeed, they will be allowed to travel, and you won't have to look at them.
If you own any floodlights, please bring them. They really add pizzaz the nighttime rallies. Do not bring your acoustic guitar unless you know at least 12 protest songs: this is a political demonstration, not a chance for you to get laid like your freshman year of college.

how to win trials and influence people

2006-03-13T21:02:00.000-08:00

The New York Times, March 13, 2006:
JUDGE CALLS HALT TO PENALTY PHASE OF TERROR TRIAL

An angry federal judge delayed the sentencing trial of Zacarias Moussaoui on Monday and said she was considering ending the prosecution's bid to have him executed after the disclosure that a government lawyer had improperly coached some witnesses.

TIP SHEET FOR PROSECUTION WITNESSES
(PLEASE KEEP CONFIDENTIAL)

Use specifics whenever possible. Details help paint a story and create (or, we should hope, uphold) the image of truth. For instance, which of the two sounds more convincing to you? 1) "I seem to recall that he may have been up to something with those guys." 2) "I remember him saying, 'I plan to hijack an airplane and fly it into a building along with my co-conspirators.'" If you said the second, you're right -- note that it is filled with details, such as an actual quote, or the helpful phrase "co-conspirators" which is more specific than "those guys."

Pauses: your friend and foe. When the prosecution asks a question, please answer immediately, in order to minimize the chance of the defense attorney raising objections. Just like on the popular gameshow "Jeopardy!" it is important not to answer the question before the interlocutor has finished asking it, which might suggest a degree of rehearsal that is frowned upon. Attached is a list of questions you will be asked, so that you can "buzz in" with your answer as soon as they are done.

On the other hand, it will be helpful to pause before answering any questions from the defense. This will give the prosecution a chance to raise objections. Try this helpful mnemonic - before any answer, count "One-rutabaga, two-rutabaga, three-rutabaga..." up to 10. Some of you may have previously learned the "One-Mississippi" method of counting. We prefer that you use rutabaga, because it is an infrequently used word and you are less likely to speed through it the way you might with Mississippi, especially if you have previously played recreational football and been forced to wait on a Mississippi count before rushing the quarterback.

In this case, the quarterback is prosecutor David Novak, and his completed pass is a legal objection. You are the offensive line, and the defense attorneys are the defensive line. They are trying to "sack" the DA before he completes his objection for a touchdown. If you wish to be "doused with Gatorade" at the end of the trial, please do your best to protect the "QB."

If only we'd known. One main argument in our death-penalty case against Moussaoui is that we could have prevented the 9/11 attacks if he had told us more about them in advance. For this reason, if you can remember him having known in advance about things that hurt the country, it will help our case. Please try to recall if he had prior knowledge of any of the following events:

Anthrax attacks via mail
Collapse of real estate housing bubble
Loss to Canada in World Baseball Classic
Hurricane Katrina
Re-election of George Bush

J'accuse. At some point, you will be asked to identify Mr. Moussaoui in court. Be careful! The defense may arrange it so that he is not the only Moroccan in the gallery that day. Do not point out the first unusual person you see, rather, make sure you are identifying the defendant. It may help to look for the person sitting next to the defense lawyer. If, by some chance, you are unable to identify him, say "I'd be glad to point him out. I could never forget that face." This will be a signal for someone at the prosecutiontable to surreptitiously point him out to you.

Hindsight is 20/20. It helps to emphasize a dramatic piece of testimony with a physical gesture. Our suggested method is to remove you glasses as you say something important, for instance, "I know we could have prevented 9/11 (remove glasses) if he had been more helpful after his arrest." Or "Although he knew of the plot in advance, Moussaoui said there was no need to increase airport security. (remove glasses) He was dead wrong." Or "He is just as responsible for the attacks as the terrorists in the planes, (remove glasses) just as guilty." Remember to wear at least three pairs of glasses to court when you testify.

heroes

2006-03-08T08:10:00.000-08:00

The New York Times, Elite Troops Get Expanded Role on Intelligence, March 8, 2006:
The military is placing small teams of Special Operations troops in a growing number of American embassies to gather intelligence on terrorists in unstable parts of the world and to prepare for potential missions to disrupt, capture or kill them.

---

CONVERSATION AT A MIDDLE EASTERN EMBASSY

AMBASSADOR PIERCE: Good morning, Clyde.

SECRETARY BABCOCK: Mister Ambassador.

AMBASSADOR PIERCE: You wanted to talk to me about something?

SECRETARY BABCOCK: I have some questions about the new charge d'affaires.

AMBASSADOR PIERCE: Mitchell? He's a very tall chap, isn't he?

SECRETARY BABCOCK: Yes, quite tall. Does anything strike you as, well, funny about him?

AMBASSADOR PIERCE: Hardly. If anything, the poor fellow's a little deficient in the humor department.

SECRETARY BABCOCK: I meant that he seems a little out of place here. As if he's never worked for a diplomat before.

AMBASSADOR PIERCE: I'm not sure I follow.

SECRETARY BABCOCK: Well he's always carrying things in and out of the embassy.

AMBASSADOR PIERCE: You know how it is, when you first get posted to a country. Everything is so new and exotic that you buy more than you need to at the local markets. Need I remind you of the Kenyan agriculture masks you bought at our last posting?

SECRETARY BABCOCK: You'll never let me forget that, will you? Anyway, that would explain him bringing things into the embassy, but not taking stuff out.

AMBASSADOR PIERCE: I assumed he was returning or exchanging purchases after having a change of heart.

SECRETARY BABCOCK: Every time I see him carrying something, it's rifle-shaped.

AMBASSADOR PIERCE: Let's not let our imaginations get the better of us. This part of the world is famous for its intricately woven carpets, so it's only natural that he would be excited to get his hands on one. Now, as you say, they are the size and shape of a rifle when rolled up, but that's hardly grounds to accuse the man of mischief.

SECRETARY BABCOCK: He's always looking out his window with a telescope.

AMBASSADOR PIERCE: He told me he studied astronomy at school. I assume the man was stargazing.

SECRETARY BABCOCK: During the day?

AMBASSADOR PIERCE: Listen, I won't have you casting aspersions on him when he can't defend himself. Need I remind you that he solved our infestation problem?

SECRETARY BABCOCK: He killed 17 rats by throwing knives at them with pinpoint accuracy.

AMBASSADOR PIERCE: A capital improvement to our living situation!

ENTER THE NEW CHARGE D'AFFAIRES, MITCHELL, WITH A SERVING TRAY.

AMBASSADOR PIERCE: Mitchell, we were just talking about you!

CHARGE D'AFFAIRES MITCHELL: Yes, sir.

AMBASSADOR PIERCE: And your fine handling of the rodent situation.

CHARGE D'AFFAIRES MITCHELL: Something I learned at Camp Pendleton, sir.

SECRETARY BABCOCK: A ha!

CHARGE D'AFFAIRES MITCHELL: That's a day camp my parents sent me to, sir.

SECRETARY BABCOCK: Oh.

AMBASSADOR PIERCE: No need to call him sir.

CHARGE D'AFFAIRES MITCHELL: Your afternoon tea is served.

AMBASSADOR PIERCE: Wonderful.

CHARGE D'AFFAIRES MITCHELL: We ran out of the shortbread cookies you like, so I made some MREs.

SECRETARY BABCOCK: Are we supposed to eat them out of those bags?

CHARGE D'AFFAIRES MITCHELL: They include a plastic spoon. This one is "chili with beans" and this is "vegetable manicotti."

AMBASSADOR PIERCE: All that in a little plastic bag? What will they think of next!

SECRETARY BABCOCK: Listen, Mitchell, do you have that report on the embassy expenditures.

CHARGE D'AFFAIRES MITCHELL: Affirmative, sir. I'll go get it.

MITCHELL EXITS.

SECRETARY BABCOCK: OK. Clearly something's up. He was wearing camoflauge just now.

AMBASSADOR PIERCE: Clyde, aren't you going to eat your vegetable manicotti?

SECRETARY BABCOCK: No. I'm not. He's up to something, I tell you. Also, my car's battery is missing, and so are the jumper cables.

MITCHELL RETURNS. HE HANDS BABCOCK A REPORT.

CHARGE D'AFFAIRES MITCHELL: I marked the overages in blue. We're on target to meet our estimated budget.

SECRETARY BABCOCK: What did you mark in red ink?

CHARGE D'AFFAIRES MITCHELL: Nothing.

SECRETARY BABCOCK: Look, right here.

CHARGE D'AFFAIRES MITCHELL: Oh, that's a bloodstain. You can ignore that.

PIERCE OPENS DESK DRAWER.

AMBASSADOR PIERCE: Say, Mitchell, here's that garroting rope you requisitioned last week. It came via the overnight pouch from Belgium.

CHARGE D'AFFAIRES MITCHELL: Thank you, sir.

SECRETARY BABCOCK: What are you going to do with that?

CHARGE D'AFFAIRES MITCHELL: Tie up some loose ends.

AN AWKWARD PAUSE.

AMBASSADOR PIERCE: And we thought you didn't have a sense of humor.

the turtle can't help us

2006-02-26T23:14:00.000-08:00

An Idiot Reviews the ‘Darwin’ Exhibit at the American Museum of Natural History

First of all, if you’re expecting a retrospective about the dolphin from the popular television series "SeaQuest DSV," or at the very least a tasteful tribute to the late actor Jonathan Brandis, then you’re in for a rude awakening at this museum.

Apparently this is exhibit is about an old scientist. I asked one of the guards, and he said it was possible the "SeaQuest" dolphin had been named after the old scientist, but he was not really familiar with the show so he could not be sure. I found it hard to believe someone would be so ignorant of the world as to not know about "SeaQuest." And believe me, I mentioned the original captain Roy Scheider AND Michael Ironside from when it was "SeaQuest 2032," and neither version rang a bell for this guy. Things were not off to a good start.

If you’re like me, your first question is: So what did this guy Darwin look like? Well, according to the stuffed dolls on sale in the gift shop, he was bald and had messy white hair, just like Alfred Einstein. But you can tell them apart because Darwin is not pictured in front of a blackboard with E=MC2 written on it it.

Oh, I almost forgot. Even though there’s no mention of "SeaQuest," there’s a lot of references to the Natasha Henstridge movie Species, which Charles Darwin apparently came up with the idea for. There aren’t any pictures or props from the film, I think because the museum couldn’t afford them. But there are a lot of pages from his notebook from when he was coming up with the movie. I don’t know if he wrote Species II or not.

At the door to the exhibit, there are two big turtles that are alive. I watched them for like an hour and they didn’t do anything. But after I came out of the exhibit, one had pooped AND moved across the floor. I was mad that I missed that!

So then you go inside and there’s a lot of stuff about Charles Darwin. First there’s stuff about him growing up, which is boring, unless you like old-timey stuff. For instance, they have his rock hammer in a glass case. Why was that there? I wondered. Did he hammer someone to death? I asked a guy with glasses, but he said he didn’t think Darwin hit anyone with the hammer. The Glasses Guy said Darwin was interested in rocks and how old the Earth was, which helped lead to his theory. I said, Why didn’t he just cut open the Earth and count the rings? The Glasses Guy laughed like I had made a very fine joke, so I pretended I had. We both had a good laugh, and I decided to keep up with him, so he could explain things to me.

Then there was a movie playing that I wanted to watch, but the glasses guy walked right past it! Before you think he’s retarded, though, it wasn’t a real movie like King Kong or King Arthur or King Ralph. It was a museum movie, so it probably sucked anyway.

Then there was a model ship. The guy said it was called The Beagle. I said that was a stupid name for a ship and if I ever had a ship I’d call it the "U.S.S. Fang Monster." The Glasses Guy looked at his watch and walked ahead some more. He was probably embarrassed that he couldn’t think up a cool ship name like I did.

Next was a bunch of fake animals from some islands called "Galapagos." I wrote it down on my hand because it was such a weird name I wanted to remember. Sometimes I write phone numbers on my hand when I don’t have paper with me and I want to call a girl later. Usually I forget and wash my hand in the shower the next day and don’t get to call her because I lost her number. One time I saw an old guy with a girl’s number tattooed on the inside of his wrist, so I thought he must have really wanted to call whoever gave him the number so bad that he was worried it would come off in the shower. I even said that to him. I said "I guess you were worried about the showers, huh?" and pointed at the number on his wrist, and he got all serious and said he had never been more terrified of anything in his life. It was weird.

Anyway: All the animals from "Galapagos" were funny looking. Glasses Guy said they had something to do with Darwin thinking it was decent of man. To be honest, I sort of stopped paying attention to him for a while here because I saw this little skeleton which turned out to be from a vampire bat. When I turned around he had left. This is where they had all of Darwin’s papers from writing the movie Species. I guess he was really ahead of his time, but looking at a bunch of papers is boring. The only cool part here was a little stuffed monkey dressed in human clothes. The sign said zoos in England used to dress up monkeys like people when Darwin was alive. That must have been cute to see, except when they throw poop at each other. Can you imagine being a stupid animal with nothing better to do than throw poop around all day? I’m glad I’m not a monkey.

This was where the museum ended, so I went back to the beginning and that was when I saw the turtles had pooped while I was inside. That was a bummer. So if you go to the Darwin exhibit, don’t go past where the two turtles are, because you might miss the chance to see them poop like I did.

I usually end my reviews with a thumbs-up or down, but if you’ve read this far, you know I didn’t really like Darwin, so thumbs are not necessary.

winter dreams

2006-02-23T07:08:00.000-08:00

Use this handy chart to determine whether you have Winter Olympic fever (the first option) or a case of anthrax (the second).

You haven’t felt this way since 2002; you haven’t felt this way since 2001.
You hope for mountains full of white powder; you open envelopes full of white powder.
You anxiously await the results of drug tests; you anxiously await the results of Anthrax tests.
Your favorite athletes are semi-pro; your favorite drug is Cipro.
You often yell “Go for the gold!”; you often handle camels or goats.
You are sad because Michelle Kwan’s Olympic gold medal dreams have died; you are sad because the person who opens your mail has died.

the little red internet

2006-02-20T22:41:00.000-08:00

The Washington Post, U.S. Firms Balance Morality, Commerce, Feb. 19, 2006:
BEIJING -- A congressional hearing in Washington last week focused attention on the practices of four U.S. Internet companies doing business in China -- Google Inc., Yahoo Inc., Microsoft Corp. and Cisco Systems -- amid mounting criticism that they are making money in the world's second-largest market of Internet users at the expense of human rights.
---
The following is the first chapter of a mystery novel recently smuggled out of China. Written by a dissident angry about the lack of internet freedom, it has yet to find a publisher.

Blood spattered the gravel around the crime scene. A man's corpse, the source of the blood, had a knife sticking out of its back.

Arriving at apartment building, Detective Leung opened the door of his cruiser.

"You're late," said the patrolman who had radioed dispatch. "I called for back-up over two hours ago."

Leung removed a pair of sunglasses and stared down the officer.

"I would have been here sooner," he said, "but some roads were closed and I was not able to get driving directions from any sort of frequently updated map source."

The officer softened his face. "I understand. I often find myself on a quest for maps. If there was a way to type in the address I was going to, or the intersection, and get instructions for how to get there, life would be easier."

Both men walked to the corpse.

Detective Leung donned a rubber glove and removed the knife from the man's back.

"I'll send this to evidence," he told the officer. "It was probably purchased with cash, which will make it difficult to trace. My job would be a lot easier if there were some sort of online shopping centers from which criminals could buy weapons using their credit cards. That way I could obtain the records and find a list of suspects who owned the weapon in question."

"Something like that would be helpful for me too," said the patrolman, as he put a piece of gum in his mouth. "Not for crimesolving, but for shopping. I can never find the time to stop by the market and get what I need."

Leung made a note of the dead man's position. "My old partner used to say the same."

"You used to work with Detective Lin, right?"

"Right."

"What was he like?"

"I never really knew him that well. If there had been an easily accessible catalogue of his favorite books, movies, TV and shows, plus comments from his friends, I might have gotten to know him better, and counted him as one of my friends." Leung sighed. "Instead, I never felt like he opened up his personal space to me." In fact, Leung had never even met Lin's wife, although if he had, and if he had seen pictures of what they looked like in high school, he might have exclaimed "She married him?!" due to the fact that she looked rather nerdy back then, while Lin looked like a popular student.

Leung squatted down to examine the corpse, and felt a flash of pain in his back. Lately he had found it difficult sleeping on the small bed in his tiny apartment. Not for the first time did he wish he could find a better place to live. Real estate agents were expensive, Leung knew, but if he could bypass the middle men and find people who had rooms to rent or apartments to sublet. Leung's friend Craig had talked of creating a list of availabilities he knew about, but had not yet done so. It was hard to find a place Leung could afford on his own, but he was not yet married. And it was so hard to meet people. Last night on his way home he had seen a woman and felt a connection to her. She was sitting on a bench reading Chairman Mao's Little Red Book. He was standing at the bus stop, also reading Mao's book. But Leung had missed his chance to talk to her -- there was no way he could get in touch with her.

The officer grunted, bringing Leung back from his thoughts.

"What a horrible way to die," the officer said. "An argument gone too far."

"What happened?" Leung asked.

The officer explained that two men had been overheard arguing about who directed the first Big Momma's House movie. When neither man agreed with the other, the argument escalated into violence.

"It probably never would have happened if there was some resource or database they could have consulted to find out the cast and crew of any movie," said the officer. "But there is no such thing, and now one of them is dead. What makes people act like this?"

"Well," Leung said, "we all have a little bit of evil in us. But what can you do? It's not like you can say 'Don't be evil' and expect everything to turn out fine." Leung took out his notebook to begin the investigation. Maybe somebody nearby had seen something. "Any chance that a witness will pop up?"

"Not with this block," the patrolman said, pointing to the empty residences lining the street.

This made Leung upset. The best representation of his emotional state would have been for him to stick out his downturned thumb while his eyebrows arched and little lines of anger emanated from his head. But since this was not possible, he settled for a simple frown.

The officer seemed to eagerly await some comment from Leung, almost as if he was eating from a small bag of popcorn in front of his round yellow face.

"I'm not feeling lucky," Leung said.

supergroups for librarians

2006-02-20T21:17:00.000-08:00

Ideal music collaborations for literature fiends:

Guitar: Slash (GNR)
Guitar: Scott Ian (Anthrax)
Bass Guitar: Duff McKagan (GNR)
Drums: Charlie Bernante (Anthrax)
Vocals: Seal
Band Name: Guns, Germs, and Seal

Guitar: Neil Schon (Journey)
Guitar: Lonnie Mack (blues guitarist)
Bass Guitar: Ross Valory (Journey)
Keyboards: Greg Rolie (Journey)
Drums: Steve Smith (Journey)
Vocals: Isaac Hayes / Brian McKnight
Band Name: Lon, Hayes, Journey and McKnight

Guitar: Andy Taylor (Duran Duran, Power Station)
Bass Guitar: John Doe (X)
Drums: Tony Thompson (Chic, Power Station)
Vocals: Beck Hansen /Kate Bush
Band Name: Kate X Beck Stations

Guitar: Jan Kuehnemund (Vixen)
Bass Guitar: Share Pedersen (Vixen)
Violin: Sarah Martin (Belle & Sebastian)
Drums: Roxy Petrucci (Vixen)
Vocals: Annie Lennox / Aimee Mann
Band Name: Ann Vixen Belle Mann

Guitar: Michael Ward (Wallflowers)
Bass Guitar: Greg Richling (Wallflowers)
Drums: Rick Allen (Def Leppard)
Vocals: Jakob Dylan /Liz Phair
Band Name: Phair Wall Two Arms

the revolution will now be televised

2006-02-15T23:30:00.000-08:00

The Washington Post, Rice Asks for $75 Million to Increase Pressure on Iran, Feb. 16, 2006:

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice asked Congress yesterday to provide $75 million in emergency funding to step up pressure on the Iranian government, including expanding radio and television broadcasts into Iran and promoting internal opposition to the rule of religious leaders. (emphasis added)

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's Least Favorite TV Programs

Frontline (PBS) - Although one might expect Ahmadinejad to dislike this show's hard-hitting international journalism, he actually stopped watching because a recent special on "The Meth Epidemic" featured addict's mug shots that "totally creeped [him] out." Also, the program refused to respond to his email idea for an episode detailing how the myth of the Holocaust has been spread.
Star Trek: Voyager (UPN) - Iran's president is not alone in considering this the weakest installment of the popular sci-fi franchise. He is, however, one of the few "Voyager" critics who cite its lack of detailed nuclear weapons building instructions as the reason for its failure.
Best Week Ever (VH1) - Ahmadinejad's biggest complaint is about this show's misleading title. It will not truly be the 'best week ever' until Israel is wiped off the map, he says.
Nightline (ABC) – Ahmadinejad hasn’t forgotten that this show was originally titled “The Iran Crisis: America Held Hostage.”
MythBusters (Discovery) - Hosts Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman found time to determine the veracity of the "Exploding Port-A-Potty" story but still haven't examined the popular myth that the Holocaust took place.
Lost (ABC) - Ahmadinejad finds this show implausible because a large number of plane crash survivors have been on the island for months now, and are still discovering hidden sections, but one inspector from the I.A.E.A. was able to find Iran's reactivaed nuclear weapons program in a matter of days. Also, it burns him that hunky Naveen Andrews plays Sayid as an Iraqi, when his character could just as easily have been Iranian.
Medium (NBC) - Patricia Arquette's psychic crime drama is a favorite of Iran's Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. But President Ahmadinejad thinks it is overrated and hopes it will be one of the first targets of Iran's nuclear weapons program, if it has not been cancelled by the time the long-range bombs are completed. He especially disliked a recent episode in which Israel wasn't wiped off the map.

help for the lovelorn

2006-02-14T05:59:00.000-08:00

Activities for people who find themselves alone on Valentine's Day.

Look up ex-girlfriends on MySpace. When a search comes up with no results, assume it's because that girl has gotten married and now has a different last name. Try to find her profile using only her first name and what you know about her interests as search criteria. When you find a "Julie" who has no images online and includes The English Patient as a favorite book, convince yourself that's your Julia, even though her bio says she's 14 and lives in Minnesota, while your Julia is 26 and moved to Seattle last you had heard.
Buy a pint of Ben & Jerry's Oatmeal Cookie Chunk. Eat it all in one sitting. When you can no longer reach the bottom of the container with your spoon, try to lick the ice cream remnants. Since your tongue won't reach, use a pair of scissors to tear open the package and lick all of the ice cream off of it. See what you've done and decide that your neighbors will look through your trash and think you're pathetic. Decide to blame your dog for destroying the pint container. Since you don't have a dog, walk to the supermarket and buy a can of dog food to put in the trash with the torn Ben & Jerry's container, so your neighbors will realize your dog did it. Suddenly realize that your neighbors will know you're pretending to have a dog if you throw away an unopened can of dog food, or if they find the dog food in the trash bag with the can. Using the ice cream spoon, eat the dog food so you can throw away the empty can with the savaged Ben & Jerry's pint. Convince yourself that you can still taste the ice cream on the spoon rather than the dog food.
Purchase a bootleg DVD of Casanova, starring Heath Ledger. While the movie plays, have an imaginary conversation with the film's director. Everytime Casanova takes a lover, yell, "You and me, Lasse, we're the only ones who get it." When your downstairs neighbor complains about the volume, yell angrily that you're talking to acclaimed director Lasse Halstrom. Scream that "He directed The Cider House fucking Rules!"
Make an iTunes playlist that consists of R.E.M.'s "Everybody Hurts" and nothing else. Listen to it, and sing along. Begin dancing, and hold your arms out to your sides as if you've been crucified. At the end of the song, each time, fall to your knees. Find yourself pleasantly surprised that the song is beginnging again. Repeat until 3 AM.
While looking at the "NO PHOTO" icon from Minnesota Julie's MySpace profile, masturbate vigorously.

poetry: i, too, dislike it

2006-02-13T20:45:00.000-08:00

If you are one of the many fans of the convoluted structure of the sestina, then this Valentine's Day poem is for you:

The students have all made their way 'round the desks
and placed their envelopes in the mailboxes of students.
Each recipient will surely appreciate every Valentine,
even if they know the gesture was mandatory.
For the children were required by their teacher
to distribute a card to everyone in the class.

Oh, to hope that childhood manners become class
in old age, that community can be learned at desks,
the idea of sharing planted in young minds by a teacher.
One day they will divide into popular and outcast students,
because social stratification has become mandatory.
And you can identify the future troublemaker's Valentine.

For there's blood in place of ink on only one Valentine,
the one distributed by a child who scares the class.
The boy for whom psychological tests are mandatory,
the boy who draws skulls on his arms and his desks,
and whispers "You'll get yours" to his fellow students.
Yes, he once threw a history book at the teacher,

And wears a leather jacket to intimidate said teacher,
like that punk on "Family Ties" played by Scott Valentine,
who was actually one of Lee Strasberg's students.
Well, I don't know if he was ever technically in Strasberg's class,
but he did spend time behind New York's Actor's Studio's desks,
where being in the audience of James Lipton's show is now mandatory.

Brits should vote for David Cameron if they demand a Tory,
assuming they can drag themselves away from their tea. Cher
was in the film Mask with Eric Stoltz, who hasn't won Drama Desks,
but worked in a Showtime series by the writers of Valentine,
a horror movie where a boy kills girls from his high school class
years later to punish their cruelty when they were students.

Actor Michael J. Fox played a wide variety of students
in his career, and I believe it is almost mandatory
to mention that his Back to the Future role as class
clown Marty McFly, who sees Doc Brown as a teacher,
was originally given to Mr. Stoltz. Anyway, the Valentine
cards I was talking about earlier sit on the desks

of the class, enjoyed by most students.
And the teacher who made sharing mandatory
imagines fucking Scott Valentine in 1986, on desks.

coming through slaughter

2006-02-02T22:27:00.000-08:00

In the wake of devastation wrought by Hurricane Katrina, it was easy to overlook these other signs of trouble for the city of New Orleans.

Beloved native son and troubadour Dr. John was stripped of his medical license by the Louisiana State Board of Medical Examiners.
John Woo's film Hard Target was added to the National Film Registry. The movie features Jean-Claude Van Damme portraying a Cajun.
The church of African-American Spiritual Forces of New Orleans, founded by Mother Leafy Anderson, failed in its bid to purchase voodoo.com and was forced to purchase VD.com as a back-up.
A panel of linguists concluded that "Iko Iko" is completely meaningless from a grammatical standpoint.
Despite the best efforts of Ken Burns, jazz is still not popular.
It was revealed that Tennessee Williams was a little bit gay.
Actually, he was a lot gay.
D.C. Comics killed off The Superdome in a multi-comic crossover event.
Former vampire chronicler Anne Rice abandoned Gothic horror and embraced christianity. This is especially bad news for Big Easy residents looking forward to Exit to Eden 2.
Louis Armstrong dropped below Lance Armstrong in a ranking of America's Favorite Armstrongs (Number One? Neil.)

bling and blame

2006-01-30T07:28:00.000-08:00

Alan Greenspan steps down as chairman of the Federal Reserve this week.

I am increasing the rate at which I will miss him by 0.02%.

barely legal

2006-01-25T22:43:00.000-08:00

AN OPEN LETTER TO FORMER ENRON EXECUTIVES

Dear Kenneth Lay and Jeffrey Skilling,

I am writing this letter because I participated in my high school's Mock Trial team during my junior and senior year. Please do not let the fact that I was not good enough to make the squad sophomore year prevent you from listening to my advice. I have some strategies that I think might help you in your upcoming trial.

Although entrance music is popular among boxers and ultimate fighters, it is infrequently used at courtroom hearings. If possible, have your lawyers look into the logistics of this. For Mr. Lay, I would suggest the acoustic sex anthem "Laid" by the band James. For Mr. Skilling, I would propose "You Be Illin'" by Run-D.M.C. (see if you can overdub the lyrics to say "You Be Skilling" ... two members of the rap group are still alive and may be willing to do this for a fee).

When you are asked how you plead, remember that your choices are "Guilty" or "Not Guilty." Ka-ching! is not a proper answer, nor will it endear you to the jury.

Before your testimony, you will be asked to swear that you will tell the truth. Do not pretend that touching the Bible burns your flesh. If you must add levity to this moment, pretend you are an African-American preacher and ask if you can get "an Amen" after your oath. Do not do this if the jury contains African Americans.

Try to prevent prosecutors from referring to you as "Skilling and Lay" as it evokes the names of guilty co-defendents from history such as Sacco and Vanzetti (robbery/murder), Leopold and Loeb (kidnapping/murder), and Mario and Luigi (animal cruelty/arson).

No matter how tempting it is, do not mutter "Hubbard's Dianetics" under your breath every time a lawyer says "Enron."

Wear a suit and tie; the judge should be the only one in the courtroom dressed in a robe. Also, I cannot stress enough that it is completely inappropriate to stand up and yell "Booyah!" no matter how helpful the testimony of a witness may be.

Whenever a prosecution witness refers to a particularly complicated accounting scheme, shrug your shoulders as if confused and look at the jury like, "Do you guys get this? Because I sure don't."

The night before Andrew Fastow testifies against you, arrange for an accomplice to leave a dead rat on his doorstep to spook him. I did something similar to Whitman High School senior Alice Philbrick before the county semi-finals and she was too distracted to be effective during the mock trial competition. Except instead of a dead rat it was a photograph of her with the face scratched out. We used to date. Anyway, she transferred schools soon after.

The prosecution will object when your lawyers bring up Fastow's off-the-books entity Chewco because it is not referenced in your indictment. Arrange for the actor Peter Mayhew to be in the courtroom gallery and have him make the Chewbacca noise immediately after the objection. This will get a big laugh, and the judge might forget about the objection and allow the testimony to proceed.

It is widely known that a jury who has reached a guilty verdict will not make eye contact with the defendants when returning from deliberations. Therefore, if you force the jury to make eye contact with you at this moment, you will be acquitted. If they're not looking in your direction, do whatever it takes to get their attention. I've heard one of you does a funny impression of Christopher Walken farting -- this would be a good time to use it.

If you are found guilty, your lawyers will tell you to remain calm because they plan to file an appeal. This is something all lawyers say to prevent you from making a break for it, which would make them look bad. Don't fall for it. If you have a clear path to the exit, go for it. One of you is likely to get away clean. When you get outside the door, put on a fake moustache, point down the hall, and yell "Ee went that way" in a French accent to any guards who come after you.

Please contact me if you have any questions. I wish you the best of luck and will be watching on Court TV.

Yours,

Erik Tanouye

the corrections

2006-01-11T22:36:00.000-08:00

Associated Press, Oprah Dismisses Claims About Frey Memoir, Jan. 11, 2006:
Oprah Winfrey broke her silence about James Frey's disputed memoir of addiction, A Million Little Pieces, dismissing allegations of falsehoods as "much ado about nothing" and urging readers who have been inspired by the book to "Keep holding on."

When asked why the caged bird sings, Winfrey's friend Maya Angelou broke down in tears, admitting, "I don't know. I just really don't know."

there is only trouble and desire

2006-01-09T22:04:00.000-08:00

Last year, The New Yorker began publishing a cartoon caption contest on its back page.

You can look at the drawings here.

Please note that "I'd sure like to get one of those" will make a suitable caption for every illustration.

For low brow results, you can also use the caption "I guess someone's going to get raped."

end zone

2005-12-27T07:54:00.000-08:00

Associated Press, 'Monday Night Football' Ends Run on ABC, Dec. 27, 2005

Hank Williams, Jr.'s rowdy friends no longer sure if they're supposed to come over tonight.