barely legal
AN OPEN LETTER TO FORMER ENRON EXECUTIVES
Dear Kenneth Lay and Jeffrey Skilling,
I am writing this letter because I participated in my high school's Mock Trial team during my junior and senior year. Please do not let the fact that I was not good enough to make the squad sophomore year prevent you from listening to my advice. I have some strategies that I think might help you in your upcoming trial.
Although entrance music is popular among boxers and ultimate fighters, it is infrequently used at courtroom hearings. If possible, have your lawyers look into the logistics of this. For Mr. Lay, I would suggest the acoustic sex anthem "Laid" by the band James. For Mr. Skilling, I would propose "You Be Illin'" by Run-D.M.C. (see if you can overdub the lyrics to say "You Be Skilling" ... two members of the rap group are still alive and may be willing to do this for a fee).
When you are asked how you plead, remember that your choices are "Guilty" or "Not Guilty." Ka-ching! is not a proper answer, nor will it endear you to the jury.
Before your testimony, you will be asked to swear that you will tell the truth. Do not pretend that touching the Bible burns your flesh. If you must add levity to this moment, pretend you are an African-American preacher and ask if you can get "an Amen" after your oath. Do not do this if the jury contains African Americans.
Try to prevent prosecutors from referring to you as "Skilling and Lay" as it evokes the names of guilty co-defendents from history such as Sacco and Vanzetti (robbery/murder), Leopold and Loeb (kidnapping/murder), and Mario and Luigi (animal cruelty/arson).
No matter how tempting it is, do not mutter "Hubbard's Dianetics" under your breath every time a lawyer says "Enron."
Wear a suit and tie; the judge should be the only one in the courtroom dressed in a robe. Also, I cannot stress enough that it is completely inappropriate to stand up and yell "Booyah!" no matter how helpful the testimony of a witness may be.
Whenever a prosecution witness refers to a particularly complicated accounting scheme, shrug your shoulders as if confused and look at the jury like, "Do you guys get this? Because I sure don't."
The night before Andrew Fastow testifies against you, arrange for an accomplice to leave a dead rat on his doorstep to spook him. I did something similar to Whitman High School senior Alice Philbrick before the county semi-finals and she was too distracted to be effective during the mock trial competition. Except instead of a dead rat it was a photograph of her with the face scratched out. We used to date. Anyway, she transferred schools soon after.
The prosecution will object when your lawyers bring up Fastow's off-the-books entity Chewco because it is not referenced in your indictment. Arrange for the actor Peter Mayhew to be in the courtroom gallery and have him make the Chewbacca noise immediately after the objection. This will get a big laugh, and the judge might forget about the objection and allow the testimony to proceed.
It is widely known that a jury who has reached a guilty verdict will not make eye contact with the defendants when returning from deliberations. Therefore, if you force the jury to make eye contact with you at this moment, you will be acquitted. If they're not looking in your direction, do whatever it takes to get their attention. I've heard one of you does a funny impression of Christopher Walken farting -- this would be a good time to use it.
If you are found guilty, your lawyers will tell you to remain calm because they plan to file an appeal. This is something all lawyers say to prevent you from making a break for it, which would make them look bad. Don't fall for it. If you have a clear path to the exit, go for it. One of you is likely to get away clean. When you get outside the door, put on a fake moustache, point down the hall, and yell "Ee went that way" in a French accent to any guards who come after you.
Please contact me if you have any questions. I wish you the best of luck and will be watching on Court TV.
Yours,
Erik Tanouye
Dear Kenneth Lay and Jeffrey Skilling,
I am writing this letter because I participated in my high school's Mock Trial team during my junior and senior year. Please do not let the fact that I was not good enough to make the squad sophomore year prevent you from listening to my advice. I have some strategies that I think might help you in your upcoming trial.
Although entrance music is popular among boxers and ultimate fighters, it is infrequently used at courtroom hearings. If possible, have your lawyers look into the logistics of this. For Mr. Lay, I would suggest the acoustic sex anthem "Laid" by the band James. For Mr. Skilling, I would propose "You Be Illin'" by Run-D.M.C. (see if you can overdub the lyrics to say "You Be Skilling" ... two members of the rap group are still alive and may be willing to do this for a fee).
When you are asked how you plead, remember that your choices are "Guilty" or "Not Guilty." Ka-ching! is not a proper answer, nor will it endear you to the jury.
Before your testimony, you will be asked to swear that you will tell the truth. Do not pretend that touching the Bible burns your flesh. If you must add levity to this moment, pretend you are an African-American preacher and ask if you can get "an Amen" after your oath. Do not do this if the jury contains African Americans.
Try to prevent prosecutors from referring to you as "Skilling and Lay" as it evokes the names of guilty co-defendents from history such as Sacco and Vanzetti (robbery/murder), Leopold and Loeb (kidnapping/murder), and Mario and Luigi (animal cruelty/arson).
No matter how tempting it is, do not mutter "Hubbard's Dianetics" under your breath every time a lawyer says "Enron."
Wear a suit and tie; the judge should be the only one in the courtroom dressed in a robe. Also, I cannot stress enough that it is completely inappropriate to stand up and yell "Booyah!" no matter how helpful the testimony of a witness may be.
Whenever a prosecution witness refers to a particularly complicated accounting scheme, shrug your shoulders as if confused and look at the jury like, "Do you guys get this? Because I sure don't."
The night before Andrew Fastow testifies against you, arrange for an accomplice to leave a dead rat on his doorstep to spook him. I did something similar to Whitman High School senior Alice Philbrick before the county semi-finals and she was too distracted to be effective during the mock trial competition. Except instead of a dead rat it was a photograph of her with the face scratched out. We used to date. Anyway, she transferred schools soon after.
The prosecution will object when your lawyers bring up Fastow's off-the-books entity Chewco because it is not referenced in your indictment. Arrange for the actor Peter Mayhew to be in the courtroom gallery and have him make the Chewbacca noise immediately after the objection. This will get a big laugh, and the judge might forget about the objection and allow the testimony to proceed.
It is widely known that a jury who has reached a guilty verdict will not make eye contact with the defendants when returning from deliberations. Therefore, if you force the jury to make eye contact with you at this moment, you will be acquitted. If they're not looking in your direction, do whatever it takes to get their attention. I've heard one of you does a funny impression of Christopher Walken farting -- this would be a good time to use it.
If you are found guilty, your lawyers will tell you to remain calm because they plan to file an appeal. This is something all lawyers say to prevent you from making a break for it, which would make them look bad. Don't fall for it. If you have a clear path to the exit, go for it. One of you is likely to get away clean. When you get outside the door, put on a fake moustache, point down the hall, and yell "Ee went that way" in a French accent to any guards who come after you.
Please contact me if you have any questions. I wish you the best of luck and will be watching on Court TV.
Yours,
Erik Tanouye
posted by mostly erik tanouye at 10:43 PM
1 Comments:
Excellent, love it! » »
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