Thursday, June 10, 2010

BP Coffee Spill

Here's what I've been up to lately. Again, please check out for newer content and updates.

Friday, September 07, 2007

ladies choice

Take the Cosmo Quiz:
Is Your Man a Hero or a Zero?
(Or A Soldier In Iraq)

Your man is running late for a dinner date. What does he do?
a) Calls to apologize and tell you he won't be on time.
b) Shows up late and does not explain his actions.

c) Has his platoon commander call you to let you know his tour of duty has been extended.

You got your hair cut. How does your man react?
a) He notices the new 'do and compliments it!
b) He says he liked it better when it was long.

c) He says he wishes he could see your new haircut in person, and asks you to tell the kids he loves them.

It's time to take your relationship to the next level, girls. What does your man think?
a) He loves you and will do whatever it takes to make you happy.
b) He's still sleeping with his ex once a month, and says "Don't blame me, blame your period."

c) If the Petraeus report is positive, we may see a reduction in the troop levels, but the situation here is far from stable.

Time for a bedroom question. Does your man know how to turn you on?
a) He is very sensitive to your needs as a lover.

b) He thinks it's all about him!

c) He cannot leave the Green Zone.

If you answered A three or more times: Congratulations! Your man's a hero!
If you answered B three or more times: It's time to dump that zero!
If you answered C three or more times: Your man is serving in Iraq!

Labels: , , ,

Friday, June 08, 2007

alexandre dumbass

Phonetic anagrams for Paris Hilton

shit on ir lap
"Shit on her lap"

hit har on lips
"Hit her on lips"

lionis phart
"Lioness fart"

not sharp iil
"Not sharp, ill."

hat pirsonil
"Personal hate"

rash piti no l
"Rash! Pity no oil."

not riil shap
"Not real shape."

i shat on ir lp
"I shat on her lip."

priti n shalo
"Pretty, and shallow."

rot pis in hal
"Rot piss in hell."

i no hr ap slit
"I know her ape slit."

sip hir tonal
"Sip her tunnel."

hitlr pasion
"Hitler passion."

no slit harpi
"No slit harpy."

rit on phalis
"Right on phallus."

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

blog meridian

In preparation for his upcoming Oprah appearance, the previously reclusive author Cormac McCarthy has lately begun blogging about celebrity news and other current topics. Below are three recent excerpts from his website:
I turned on the set and watched for the news of the child's father.
Whos the father, I wondered.
The Judge appeared with his grim countenance. Since the days of the desert, its been known and counted who was the father and who was the child. We've come so far to find out the truth, the end of this business, he said. He drew up his large hammer.
Can you tell me what it is, I asked the set and The Judge.
The light of the set broke upon the plains and the bones and rocks littered amongst the cactus trees and the dry stream bed.
There was punishment in the waiting.
Then the sun set and the word came.
Birkhead, The Judge said. Birkhead entered the cave and made the girl in the time before time when all was unknown and the mother of the land was still alive.
* * *
See the child. He comes from San Antonio in the dust and oil plains. His parents the Mexicans. He joins the air force, later moves from Fort Yukon to Houston.
They all want you to go, dont you see?
I cannot see what I will not see, he says. I know I am right.
Do you think you can stand in the winds of the storm and not be blown over?
I do not know any more than I can tell you.
You do not know much then.
Da igual, no importa.
You are goin to stay, then?
I will stay, yes.
Why dont you go?
I said I will stay.
* * *
His large hair came down over his head, some dust storm across the brow.
The fat woman, he said, I dont like her.
He took a childs hand in his and walked down the aisle. He had walked that aisle before.
He raised his hand and fired. Everywhere this man has been there are bodies left behind.
Does he have any money.
Some more now than he did before. Not as much as he claims.
Donald pasa de castaño a oscuro.
Si. His gold aint for real.
I think the posts are about Anna Nicole Smith, Alberto Gonzales, and Donald Trump.

Monday, March 19, 2007

the last shall be

The Internet is proud to announce the winners of its nine-year-long contest to see who could post the most first replies to online discussion threads.

As announced at the start of the competition in 1998, the top five winners receive an Apple iMac G3 in Bondi Blue.

The top 25 rankings for all online discussions since March 18, 1998 are listed below by user name. If you can prove that you are the author behind the user name on all first posts associated with it, please contact the Internet to receive your prize.

Top Ranked

1. anonymous
3. (not verified)
4. first
5. First!
6. frist
7. me
8. Me
9. asdf
10. awesome
11. FIRST!!
12. jabba
13. thissitesucks
14. dude
15. cooldude
16. bartsimpson
17. asfjkl;
18. you are all nerds
19. poop
20. greenspan7
21. blahblahblah
22. mr shit
23. gandalf
24. first1
25. fuckballs

Friday, March 02, 2007

you'll fly away

A Letter of Apology from JetBlue and Walter Reed Army Medical Center

Dear Valued Customer and/or Wounded Veteran,

You deserve better!

Recently, many of you were forced to wait long periods of time in extremely uncomfortable conditions for the services we promised to provide you. We are very sorry and promise to make it up to you.

Whether you are a hip and trendy traveler or a wounded war veteran, the care and treatment you received was not up to the high standards we maintain.

As a result of a severe winter ice storm in the Northeast and protracted war on terror in Iraq, our resources were pushed beyond their maximum capacity. Due to a holiday weekend and complete breakdown of civic government caused by our dismimssal of Baathist elements in the government, we were unable to fulfill our mission of bringing humanity back to air travel and democracy to the Middle East. We let you down.

In order to correct the problem, we have published the JetBlue Airways Customer Bill of Rights, relieved Maj. Gen. George W. Weightman from command, and temporarily placed Lt. Gen. Kevin C. Kiley in charge of the Walter Reed facility. We would like to point out that, whatever complaints you might hear about Kiley, he was definitely not responsible for JetBlue operations during our Presidents Day Weekend troubles.

Nothing is more important than America defeating the Sunni insurgency or JetBlue regaining your trust or America backing fundamentalist Sunnis against Iran's secretly funded Shiite militias. All of us here hope you will give us the opportunity to welcome you onboard again soon and provide you the positive JetBlue Experience you have come to expect from us, or we hope that we don't have the opportunity to provide you with medical care following a war wound, because we don't want you to receive another war wound, but if that should occur, we hope that you will find your treatment better than it was in the past, whether we are talking about medical care or JetBlue travel.

Secretary of the Army Dr. Francis J. Harvey
David Neeleman, Founder and CEO, JetBlue Airways

Thursday, March 01, 2007

repeat offender

Online Chat with David Fincher

A: Welcome! Let's get to the questions...

Q: What inspired you to make Zodiac?


Q: How much of Zodiac is based on fact?

A: Also, I should say, Jared Leto's character in Panic Room was a serial killer. I explained it in a scene that was deleted.

Q: What was it like working with Jake Gyllenhaal?

A: And another one: Michael Douglas was a serial killer in The Game. LOOK OUT FOR SERIAL KILLERS EVERYONE!!!! Some serial killers come from other planets just to kill humans like in Alien3.

Q: What recommendations do you have for young filmmakers starting out?

A: The most important thing is to get as much experience as possible behind the camera and DON'T be murdered by serial killers before you finish your films.

Q: I was a fan of your music videos ... do you ever miss working on a smaller scale?

A: Good question. As you know, Janie, in "Janie's Got a Gun" was a serial killer. She killed her father, and was planning to kill again. Madonna's cat in "Express Yourself" tortured and killed countless mice. I hope to make some more music videos about serial killers in the future.

Q: I've heard you didn't get along with Forrest Whitaker on the set of Panic Room ... is this true? What do you think about him winning the Oscar?

A: We had a few disagreements. I shouldn't really talk about it. Let's just leave it at I thought he might be a serial killer and confronted him about it and I don't think he had to do much research into mass murder to play Idi Amin because FORREST WHITAKER IS PROBABLY A SERIAL KILLER. But that's all I'll say.

Q: How do you feel about digital vs. film?

A: I've always loved film. I think the rise of digital media, and HD cameras especially, are making it much easier for deranged voyeuristic serial killers to document their crimes. Michael Powell's documentary "Peeping Tom" covered this sort of behavior, and while it was easy to track and catch killers who were transporting bulky film cameras (Bolex, Panaflex), today's crop of killers can go to Best Buy and get a high quality hand sized digitial video camera for under $500. WE ARE PRACTICALLY BEGGING THESE PEOPLE TO BECOME SERIAL KILLERS!

Q: What is your next project?

A: I just hope to survive 2007.

Friday, February 23, 2007

supporting actors

Other films featuring former vice presidents:

Cruel Suspicion (1995) - Dan Quayle portrays a rogue cop seeking revenge against an evil District Attorney (Joe Montegna) in this direct-to-cable thriller.

The Delicacy of the Longshoreman (1987) - Walter Mondale has a cameo as beaureaucratic harbormaster in this slice-of-life drama about Long Island fishermen written and directed by John Sayles' longtime key grip, Nestor Shawns.

Hube Cube (1973) - A collection of three half-hour segments recorded for a local television station. Hubert Humphrey narrates some of his favorite children's stories: "The Walker and the Runner," "Mary and Her Magic Hat," and "Touch the Moon, Mr. Salamander." Each story is accompanied by experimental animated sequences.

Sheep Delight 78 (1978) - Nelson A. Rockefeller plays himself in this avant garde movie from Andy Warhol collaborator Paul Morrissey that was filmed in Central Park.

Looking for Spiro (1998) - This lighthearted documentary was a hit on the festival circuit: two teenage girls with a video camera try to record an interview with disgraced former vice president Spiro Agnew for their high school AP history class. Unbeknownst to the girls, Agnew cannot be interviewed for the film because he died two years earlier, but many pictures and news clips of him are featured in the finished documentary.

Balls N Babes 7 (2003) - For no apparent reason, one of two naked men having sex with a woman on a pool table in this compilation is referred to as Alben W. Barkley multiple times ("Yes, stick it in me, Alben W. Barkley, I want you in me!" and "F*** me, Alben W. Barkley. I love it when you f*** me so hard, Alben W. Barkley!") It is not clear if the man is meant to represent the 35th vice president or a person who was named for the 35th vice president. None of the other characters in the scene are referred to by name.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

brit departure

To: All Wire Services Subscribers

Due to cutbacks, our staff has recently been downsized, reducing the number of stories we make available. Please note that the following article may be used in your newspaper to cover Britney Spears leaving the Promises Treatment Center or the British troops withdrawing from Iraq. Required editorial choices are marked by parentheses.

(BAGHDAD/HOLLYWOOD) -- An already unstable situation will become more fraught with peril as sources suggest Brit(ish/ney) will be returning home sooner than expected.

Although there is no established timetable for withdrawal from (Iraq/rehabilitation), most experts think the situation is not yet improved from the chaotic mess it has recently become.

Things have deteriorated to the point where the much maligned (Saddam Hussein/Kevin Federline) has lately been reconsidered by critics, and is now judged to have been a stabilizing influence on (Iraq/Spears). This marks a great shift from the low public opinion of him during the nadir of his popularity around the time of his (dictatorship/rap album).

The ongoing conflict continues to raise questions about who will eventually get custody of (Kurdish oil reserves/Sean and Jayden).

Recently, (U.S./Us) sources have pointed to the heavy influence of (Iran/Isaac Cohen) in what have become increasingly erratic behavior and violent situations.

This past weekend, a tragic (car bomb blast that killed 62/haircut) caught headlines and suggested a complete breakdown was imminent, despite claims to the contrary by (Dick Cheney/Spears' publicist) who seems increasingly out-of-touch with his (country/client).

The next few months are sure to be a depressing time for (Iraq/Spears). Once known as (the cradle of civilization/a member of the Mickey Mouse Club), she has lately been associated with despair and scandal, as symbolized to the whole world by the distribution of pictures of her tortured and shaved (prisoners/vagina) being displayed in the confines of (Abu Ghraib/her limousine).

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

radio song

Greetings Sirius or XM subscriber,

As you may have heard, our satellite radio companies are merging. For the most part, this will mean more programming options for you, our valued customer.

In some cases, duplicate stations will be merged to avoid overlapping content. Please use the following chart below to see if any changes affect you.

If you enjoyed Duane's Attic: Bluegrass Techno Remixes (XM) or Cookin' With Clive: Country/Club Mash Ups (Sirius), please check out Clive and Duane's Digital Moonshine Distillery: Trance Updates To Downhome Classics on the new XM/Sirius 541.

If you enjoyed Other Kinds of Blue: Great Alternate Takes from Jazz History (XM) or The Nearness of Two: Second Takes by Jazz Greats (Sirius), please check out My Second Favorite Things: Unreleased Recordings from Great Jazz Sessions on the new XM/Sirius 712.

If you enjoyed 2:54: The Station Where All Songs are Two Minutes and Fifty-Four Seconds (XM) or 6:24: The Place for Great Music Lasting Six Minutes and Twenty-Four Seconds (Sirius), please check out 2:5 or 6:2 4: Where All Songs Are Great and Either 2:54 or 6:24 in length on the new XM/Sirius 3331.*

If you enjoyed You Might Sing: Karaoke Versions of Songs by The Cars (XM) or Just What You Needed: Lyrics Free Hits by The Cars (Sirius), please check out Shake It Up: Instrumental Tracks by The Cars on the new XM/Sirius 5174.

If you enjoyed I Too Dislike It: Literary Critics Complain About Marianne Moore (XM) or Real Toads: Discussions of Marianne Moore Sucking (Sirius), please check out The Crap-Scented Syllable: Marianne Moore or Less? Modern Thoughts on Poet Marianne Moore on the new XM/Sirius 22643.

If you enjoyed All Rock (XM) or Rock! (Sirius), please check out Yeah, Rock, I Love Rock Music, Awesome Dude This Station Rocks! on the new XM/Sirius 31695.

* Please note, this is not the same as 25 or 6 to 4: The Best Music by Chicago (Sirius), which can now be found at The Inspiration: Great Songs by Chicago and Peter Cetera on the new XM/Sirius 2131.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

fan ficciones

Dear Jorge,

Thank you for your submission to "Panther Pride," the official fan fiction journal for NBC's drama "Friday Night Lights."

Although your story showed a lot of promise, we were unable to find space for it in our current issue. As you may know, "Panther Pride" was originally a fan fiction journal for creative endeavors related to the film version of the book Friday Night Lights. When the television series began airing in the fall of 2006, we split the journal into two different sections, one featuring stories set in the world of the film, and one featuring stories set in the universe of the television series.

Your submission, "Offsides," presented an interesting merger of the two fictional settings through the dimensional rift created by the magic football. And while we were taken with the challenging notion of Boobie Miles racing Smash Williams, and especially with Tami Taylor meeting doppelganger Sharon Gaines at a mirror store, we couldn't help but feel that your story was essentially a science-fiction endeavor more than it was a fictional exploration of the world of Panther football.

Please do not be discouraged, and feel free to submit more stories in the future. In addition, you might try submitting stories to "Powers That Be," the fan fiction journal of the television series "Heroes," which leans more towards the supernatural and fantastical.


"Coach" Ron Edison


Dear Jorge,

We receive many submissions here at "Powers That Be." Unfortunately this means that we must turn down some stories, and your December submission, "Eye of the Cheerleader," falls into this category.

The central conceit of your story -- that of a dimensional rift allowing visitors from another universe to create havoc in the "Heroes" world -- was interesting, but the bulk of the story followed characters who were not familiar to us here at the magazine. After a brief appearance by cheerleader Claire Bennet, we spent the rest of the story with the characters from Dillon, Texas in the other dimension.

One of our editors here did some internet research and discovered that those characters are from the series "Friday Night Lights."

Perhaps you should submit your next story to "Landry Land," the official electronic journal of cross-pollinated fan fiction for television series set in Texas.

Best wishes,

Sam Telson, the "Super" Editor


Howdy Jorge,

Greetings from the Lone Star State!

As an electronic journal, we have no space limitations, but our founding principles and editorial mission sometimes force us to reject well-written stories such as your recent submission, "High Plains Shifter."

Our grant from the Texas State Bureau of Tourism stipulates that we must "strive to demonstrate the breadth and width of Texas life through publication of stories showing the intersection of different worlds created by popular television series set in Texas."

In the past, some of our most successful works have included "Death and Gas," a story combining characters from "Dallas" and "King of the Hill," and, more recently, "Forbidden Crossings," which involved characters from FOX's "Prison Break" and MTV's "The Real World: Austin."

Your story, while entertaining, failed to meet our standards, as it featured only one television series ("Friday Night Lights"). The second universe from which it borrowed, the setting for the film version of Friday Night Lights, did not meet the criteria of being from a television series nor of highlighting another side of Texas living (both the TV series and movie examine smalltown football culture).

We would welcome any submissions from you in the future that connect two different television series from Texas.

In the meantime, you might try writing something for, the official blog for fan fiction that combines television and movie versions of the same universe.

Remember the Alamo,

Walt McMurtry, EIC, Landry Land Magazine



Your recent post TEXAS TWISTER is awaiting approval by the moderator of 2430FRAMES.

For the following reason(s):


You may resubmit your story using your assigned login, or submit new stories in the future.

The moderator has the following suggestion(s):


Thank you.

Dear Jorge!


Your story, "S*M*A*S*H" will be featured in the upcoming "Chicago Help" issue of berg.burg e-zine, the pre-eminent Peter Berg fan fiction journal. This special issue features medically-themed romantic crossover works, such as the "Chicago Hope" / The Great White Hype story "Ring of Lust" and the "Wonderland" / A Midnight Clear tale "Red Cross, Crazy Cross."

Along with publication in berg.burg, you will recieve an autographed picture of Peter Berg. The March issue will be emailed to you at:

Thanks for your submission!

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

the price of love

Subliminal Messages of Common Valentine's Day Gifts

A Dozen Roses: Hey Ugly, I figured your co-workers would rather look at this vase full of flowers than your ugly face on this special day. When you get home, we need to talk.

Box of Chocolates: Hey Fatty, I am always disgusted by your morbid obesity, but since it is Valentine's Day, I thought I would indulge you and send you some chocolates to stuff into your fat fat face.

Diamond Pendant: Hey Bossy, I saw this diamond and thought of you, because our relationship makes me feel as imprisoned as a slave-labor diamond miner in a conflict region of Africa.

Scented Candle: Hey Boring, I don't think you have much of a personality. Also, you kind of smell bad. Happy Valentine's Day!

Fancy Dinner: Hey Vapid, You're not very interesting to talk to, or even spend time with, but at least you're attractive enough to make other men jealous. Enjoy this dinner and try not to say too many stupid things loudly, or else people will realize you're not much of a catch.

Singing Telegram: Hey, we shouldn't see each other any more.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

cold yeller

Q: I'm freezing my balls off!!!!

A: It certainly is quite cold outside. Remember to dress in layers to keep warm. If you are experiencing the medical problem described above, please consult a doctor.


Search: freezing balls off

Did you mean: frequent balls off ?

2:41 PM coldguy Says:
I'm freezing my balls off!!!!

2:42 PM delmos Says:
hi 2:41 coldguy! good one it is is cold today 2:36 tarafan ...britney does have kids at home but tara is like 30....i'll call it a tie. :)

2:42 PM britfan Says:

Check out the real gossip ................. AWESOMEGOSSIP.NET .................

2:43 PM Viagra Deal Says:
Hi,friend. Here is that site I was telling you about. http://ultrahard.sweetride.viagra/ Make it longer and more resistant to temperature extremes. It worked for me. ultrahard.sweetride.viagra ultrahard.sweetride.viagra ultrahard.sweetride.viagra ultrahard.sweetride.viagra ultrahard.sweetride.viagra ultrahard.sweetride.viagra

I'm freezing my balls off!!!!

Obama has only been in the Senate for two years, so he hasn't voted on too many climate issues, aside from backing corn ethanol subsidies (groan!), but he's definitely better than the current administration. Of course, my three-year old son would be better than the current administration.

Nobody has a better record or understanding of climate issues, and subsequent ball-freezing temperature shifts, than Al Gore. Run Al Run!!!

I just saw that Obama has a policy paper on ball-freezing-off at his website. Check it out.

Heroes Chat Room @

coldguy: I'm freezing my balls off!!!!

hirofan: Agreed! I'd like to see somebody with power over the climate too! Although they'd have to find a way to make them unique from Iceman and Storm in the Marvel universe.

cheerleader12: hate to sound like im beating a dead horse, but its not the powers so much as the characters. but yeah a person with weather powers would be rad.

jackbauer: You guys are all gay. Jack Bauer rules!

babe: jack bauer, your dad is a gay pigf*cker. go back to your own message boards.

jackbauer: You're going to have to trust me on this one. I don't have time to explain. But you guys are all gay!

*This thread has been closed by the moderator*

Friday, February 02, 2007

gauntlet of fire

Hey kids! See if you can identify which passages below are from the much anticipated new book Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows and which are from the highly classified National Intelligence Estimate produced by the U.S. government's intelligence agencies!!! Find the answers at the fan club website!
  • There was a great darkness, and no one could see even a hint of light amidst the gloomy chaos.
  • It was all his fault, from the very beginning. He wished he could travel back in time and change what happened. But he could not.
  • Collapse of this magnitude would generate fierce violence for at least several years, ranging well beyond the time frame of this Estimate, before settling into a partially stable end-state.
  • When one ventures outside this realm, they find themselves vulnerable to attack. It is most dangerous, even for the brave.
  • The whole process of producing NIEs normally takes at least several months.
  • Even the school had been infiltrated by the enemy by that point.
  • The atmosphere was summed up by a bearded old man sitting outside the stone walls. "That's no ordinary prison," he said. "They torture people in there!"
  • It soon became clear that this was no simple game ... thousands of lives were at stake.
  • Harry Potter entered the chamber. Would Voldemort be inside?
  • Should these events take place, they could spark an abrupt increase in communal and insurgent violence and shift Iraq’s trajectory from gradual decline to rapid deterioration with grave humanitarian, political, and security consequences.
  • By the time they arrived at the museum, it had been looted. The guards had disappeared and the powerful relics inside were nowhere to be found.
  • The emergence of a checkered pattern of local control would present the greatest potential for instability, mixing extreme ethno-sectarian violence with debilitating intra-group clashes.
  • "Good shot, Hermione," Harry said. "That one was really close." She shivered in the darkness but did not reply.

Friday, January 19, 2007

all apologies

Dallas County officials, after overturning 12 convictions on the basis of DNA evidence, have developed a new line of cards in conjunction with Hallmark. The initial offerings are described below.

[picture of a cute puppy]
Message: "We're doggone sorry about ruining your life!"

[image of Ziggy behind bars]
Message (Ziggy speaking): "You can take the inmate out of prison, but you can't take prison out of the inmate...sorry 'bout that!"

[photograph of a baker]
Cover Message: "You can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs.
Inside Message: "Our apologies to all the eggs we broke. -Dallas County Criminal Justice System"

[image of flowers]
Message: "Roses are red / Freedom's for you / Sorry about prison / We hope you won't sue."

[cartoon of old woman]
Cover Message: "Hey old timer, don't get too comfortable out there."
Inside Message: "We still have your DNA on file."

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

weed 'em and reap

It was a confusing day to read the newspaper for people who confuse the letter "r" and the letter "w."
  • Wisk Seen In Somolia Ethnic Cleansing
  • House Set To Vote On Minimum Rage
  • AP Wanks Boise State Ahead Of Competition
  • NYC Blames Monday's Stink On Jewsey Gases
  • Bush's Big Reek: Announces Raw Plan Tonight
  • Deceased Man Rim Job Mistake By Polish Bank Boss

Thursday, December 07, 2006

take cover arizona

Ways to Commemorate the 65th Anniversary of Japanese Attack on Pearl Harbor
  • Use a Hollywood star-locating service to get the telephone number of famed movie director Michael Bay. Call him up. When he answers, struggle to your feet and angrily yell into the telephone: "Don't tell me what can't be done!" before collapsing back into your wheelchair.
  • Launch your own surprise attack ... on morbid obesity.
  • Go drinking at the VFW Hall. When it's your turn to make a toast, proclaim "The only thing we have to fear is .... beer itself." As the crowd of greatest generation veterans cheer and drink, have your friends sneak in and destroy the VFW Hall. Nobody will be expecting it.
  • All day long, refer to all Asians you see as either "Nips," "Japs," or "Krauts."
  • Begin using the Pearl Harbor attack as a benchmark of unfortunate events as in the following examples: "My computer just crashed -- this is the worst thing since Pearl Harbor" or "Your new haircut looks like the Japs launched a surprise attack on your head" or "Is there cilantro in this burrito? Hirohito! I hate cilantro!"

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

an artist of the floating world

Interview With:
Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade Balloon Inflation Expert

Q: So, you are responsible for the big balloons at the parade?
A: Yes.

Q: Did you see that Michael Richards video?
A: I sure did! What a crazy racist!

Q: Thanks for taking the time to talk with us.
A: No problem.

Monday, November 20, 2006


Rarely Seen Thanksgiving Episodes

Friends: "The One With the Black Guy" - Chandler and Ross invite one of their best friends from college to spend Thanksgiving with the gang. The friend, Rashid, is the first African American that Rachel has ever met. While Monica prepares dinner, Rachel hides all her valuables in fear. Once dinner is served, however, Rachel gets to know Rashid as a person and realizes the error of her ways. She promises to hang out with Rashid more frequently. (After this episode, Rashid is never seen again.) Meanwhile, Phoebe works at a soup kitchen where she is mistaken for a crazy homeless person.

Lost: "Bird Is The Word" - In this first season episode, which was mysteriously omitted from the DVD set, a wild turkey appears on the island and the crash survivors try to hunt it down for food. In a series of flashbacks, the turkey remembers growing up on a Kansas poultry farm before escaping captivity and sneaking onto a merchant marine vessel bound for Australia. The first mate on that ship was Sawyer. Back in the present day, Locke's hunting party finally corners the bird near a cave. Just as Sawyer is hurling a spear at the turkey, he makes eye contact with the bird and recognizes it. "Don't kill me," it squawks as the spear impales it, "I have something important to tell you." Then it dies. End credits roll.

Anything But Love: "Salmonella Is Coming to Town" - Jules cost cuts on a holiday dinner for the homeless, with sickening results. When Hannah convinces Marty to go all out for Christmas, she gets the idea that he has, by getting a new apartment for them. (NOTE: There is nothing controversial or out-of-character for this episode. It rarely seen only because the series Anything But Love is hardly ever watched.)

Felicity: "The Season" - In her American studies history seminar, Felicity discovers the tragic history of Native Americans in the United States. That night, after going to sleep, she travels through time to the 1480s and warns them of the coming European hordes. They thank her for the message, but as she is preparing to leave, she catches Pocohantas making out with Ben. Later, she sends smoke signals to Sally One Feather about her feelings. When she wakes up in the present, she tells Ben how she feels.

Larry King Live: "November 15, 1997" - During an interview with celebrity chef Emeril Lagasse, Emeril tells King he loves cooking for Thanksgiving. King replies, "Wonderful holiday. As American as apple pie and the gulag." A confused Emeril asks if King meant "gulasch," which, while not American, is at least a food product. "I'm sorry," replies King. "That was my mistake. I meant to say culottes."

Friday, November 17, 2006

brand rarities

Failed James Bond 007 Series Titles:
  • Yesterday Is Adequate For Now
  • Goldschlager
  • Surrender Twice For Forever
  • Silence Is Golden, But So Is Murder
  • The Spy Ate A Delicious Cobb Salad
  • Permission For Mayhem Revoked
  • MagicEye
  • Tomorrow Maybe The Day After
  • On Her Majesty
  • Melancholy Daylight
  • Kill To Die Murderously
  • Never Underwear Brown
  • Slot Machine Deluxe
  • F*ckmonger

Thursday, November 02, 2006

make you feel better

Unconventional ways to cheer up your friend in the hospital:
  • Secretly puncture bottom of bedpan belonging to patient in the neighboring bed.
  • Replace pens used by doctors and nurses with ones that use disappearing ink.
  • Grow a long beard. Then visit friend and begin acting out scene from movie version of "The Fugitive" where Harrison Ford cuts off his beard in the hospital room sink. Loudly declare, "I didn’t kill my wife!" and "Get off my plane!"
  • Purchase a priest’s costume from a Halloween store having a post-Halloween sale, and then administer last rites to deathbed patients throughout the hospital. Because you are not actually a priest, the annointing of the sick will not be valid in the eyes of the church and the patients will be denied access to the Kingdom of Heaven. After they have died, let their families in on the secret.
  • Every time your friend’s meal is brought to him, tell the nursing staff that "I'll have what he’s having" but make it sound as sexual as possible.
  • Sign your friend’s cast with a cheery message from a terrible despot like Slobodan Milosevic, Idi Amin, or Pol Pot.
  • Bring a heavy sheet of plexiglass with you and place it between you and your friendin the hospital bed. Then use your cell phone to call him and talk to him as if you are visiting him in prison. Promise him his lawyer will have him home in time for Christmas.
  • Find a human femur. Stop at KFC and buy a bucket full of drumsticks. Remove the chicken from the bones and affix the meat to the femur using an edible polymer. Walk into your friend’s hospital room eating the chicken and proclaim "That guy in Room 12 didn’t make it ... but he sure is delicious." (NOTE: You may replace "Room 12" with a more appropriate reference depending on the architeture of your specific hospital.)
  • Put a pair of sunglasses on a can of Dr. Pepper. Remove the sunglasses and say to your friend, "The doctor will see you now." Drink the Dr. Pepper and say "Sorry I drank your doctor, buddy."

Thursday, October 26, 2006

how will the wolf survive?

Fun Facts and Activities
New 700 Mile Mexican Border Fence Edition!

Math Fun!
Q: If you own a car that can drive at 350 mph, how long will it take you to cross the fence?

A: About 30 minutes if you tunnel under it; approx. 2 minutes if you climb over it. Neither of these would involve your car. (It would take you two hours to drive the length of the fence.)
Q: If the security wall weighs one ton for every ten square feet, how much heavier will the Earth be when it is completed?

A: 369,600 tons, but only if the wall is constructed of lunar concrete and meteorite rebar, as called for in the original design.
Good fences make good neighbors?
Did you know that Robert Frost's famous line from "Mending Walls" was intended to be ironic? He actually believed that fences created bad relationships between neighbors, just as he believed that taking the road less travelled made little to no difference.

History Hoopla!

This is not the first such border in history. The Great Wall of China, the Berlin Wall, and the New Orleans levees are some other great public works projects built to keep out unwanted intruders. Can you name more?

Can you guess which of these is not the name of a rock band?
-700 Miles of Fence
-30 Odd Foot of Grunts
-10,000 Maniacs

Try repeating this spicy racist tongue twister three times fast, if you're not too busy taking a siesta:
"Mexican wrecks of men oversexed Texan friends; cross rivers, bras quiver, Chorizo sausage," Juan said.

Lost In Translation!
Unscramble these British terms to reveal a single border-related phrase:

007 limes offence

(Answer: 700 miles of fence)

Thursday, October 05, 2006

a college breakfast party

Coaltion to Stop the War in Iraq
******** College Chapter
2nd meeting , 1st semester
(October 5, 2006 - 10:30 am Brennan Lounge)

Harper, Leon, Ocean, Michael, Micheal, Colin, Theresa, "Names are a form of oppression"

Old business:
Reading of last week's minutes
  • "Names are a form of oppression" asked that her name be removed from last week's minutes. Leon suggested that, at the time, "Names are a form of oppression" was known as Vanessa, so the minutes should accurately reflect that. Ocean added that it would be "like a Stalinist purge" to rewrite history in this manner. Micheal argued that the term "Stalinist purge" is overused by people who "totally don't get it" and asked if Ocean had even read "Das Kapital," because Ocean "totally did this summer." Micheal answered that "Das Kapital" was by Karl Marx, and Ocean should "get his facts straight." Ocean angrily asked "you won't be happy til everyone's straight, will you." Michael noticed that the secretary had written "Michael" instead of "Micheal" when recording the dialogue about Stalin and asked for the minutes to be corrected. "Names are a form of oppression" pointed out that this is why names are a form of oppression.

New business:

  • Colin suggest a sit-in to bring attention to the ongoing war in Iraq. Theresa agreed with the idea and added "that will teach those pro-war scum." Michael asked if there actually were any pro-war people on campus. A brief silence ensued.
  • Theresa asked if anyone had heard about Mark Foley. "Names are a form of oppression" said she had not. Harper gave a brief timeline of the scandal. Micheal said a guy who lived on her hall had been a page in high school. According to Micheal, the guy said he had never been the target of unwanted advances, adding, "but still."
  • Leon discussed last night's episode of "Lost." Harper asked if Leon could send him an MPG of it. Leon agreed.
  • Michael asked if anyone was planning to read Bob Woodward's State of Denial. Colin said he saw Woodward on "Larry King Live" last week and "he looked nothing like Roger Redford." Leon suggested that Colin meant "Robert Redford." "Names are a form of oppression" asked why it mattered since everybody knew who we were talking about. Ocean asked what "Roger or Robert Redford or whatever did anyway? Has anyone like even seen one of his movies?" Michael said he watched half of The Sting once.
  • "Names are a form of oppression" asked to have a vote about whether we could change her name in the minutes of last week's meeting. Leon said the minutes had already been approved, and that this was the new business section of the meeting. "Names are a form of oppression" demanded a vote on whether we could revisit the minutes from last week.
  • Vote On Motion To Determine Whether Minutes Should Be Revised: 6-2 against.
  • "Democracy is a form of oppression" announced that she has changed her name from "Names are a form of oppression."
  • Leon said he is from Pennsylvania and "that Amish school shooting is really [expletive] up." Furthermore, he suggested a bake sale to raise money for the victims' families.
  • Vote On Motion To Hold Fundraising Bake Sale for the Amish: 7 in favor, 1 abstention.
  • Ocean volunteered to head up a steering committee on the Bake Sale and report back at next week's meeting.
Harper adjourns meeting at 11:17 am.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

daniel deronda

In which Mark Foley and George Allen believe each other to be 16-year-old boys in an online chatroom for Congressional pages.

Maf54 has entered the chat at 1:15:36 PM.

Maf54: where is everyone?
Nonjew27: dont know
Nonjew27: just me here
Nonjew27: probably black dude scared everyone away LOL
Maf54: what
Nonjew27: you know =)
Maf54: just came from the gym
Maf54: i'm all sweaty
Maf54: about to shower
Nonjew27: you have white skin, right?
Maf54: yes
Nonjew27: good
Maf54: now you know about my skin
Maf54: tell me what your skin feels like
Nonjew27: not sure what u mean
Nonjew27: feels like every other non-Jewish person's skin, i guess
Maf54: thats good. i like that.
Maf54: tell me about your package
Maf54: how big is it
Nonjew27: its regular size
Nonjew27: certainly not cut like it would be if i were Jewish, since i'm not
Maf54: tell me what you're doing
Nonjew27: im eating a sandwich. ham and cheese.
Nonjew27: i'm totally not a Jew...
Nonjew27: so i dont mind mixing meat and dairy products
Nonjew27: even though thats not kosher
Maf54: maybe you should come over and eat my sausage and cream
Nonjew27: not sure what you mean
Maf54: let's talk dirty
Nonjew27: like use the 'n' word?
Nonjew27: cool
Nonjew27: i'll start...
Maf54: no, i meant
Maf54: sexy talk dirty
Nonjew27: oh
Nonjew27: not so into that
Maf54: oh

Nonjew27 has exited the chat at 1:21:02 PM

Tuesday, September 26, 2006


After remarking that Charles Dickens would have loved the Fox series "Prison Break," an editor here decided to find out what some other famous authors of yore might think of today's top television shows. Using a time machine, he brought the writers to the present day to view some current television (he originally planned to take a television back into history, but was worried about finding a place to plug it in).

Prison Break - reviewed by Charles Dickens
What's that sound? Alarum! There are tiny devils in that box! Move away! That electric horse is headed right for us!

Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip - reviewed by F. Scott Fitzgerald
Along the golden shores of the Pacific Ocean, the gods of industry perform their revels. Matt and Danny struggle against the tides of mediocrity and despair as they row towards the sun, always rising. But Amanda Peet! Now there is a woman! Brghhackghh. (At this point, Mr. Fitzgerald passed out in a pool of his own vomit.)

Kidnapped - reviewed by Robert Louis Stevenson
You've projected words onto the screen! What a strange book. Actors, you say? In that tiny box? I shan't believe it. Oh, look, a Negro gentleman. He is portraying a constable? Oh no! Get out of the way, good man, that electric carriage is headed right for us! We shall be trampled underfoot!

America's Next Top Model - reviewed by Ernest Hemingway
Those women are small. Some of them could be broken easily.

Vanished - reviewed by Edgar Allan Poe
Dreadful! fright to be trapped-- In a tiny box like those men! Dare we let them out? Do you hold The Key? Do I? Now what is this? A commercial, you say? I don't understand. Look out! That giant tampon is headed straight for us! We shall be ruined! Duck, soul, and be unbattered! That blue liquid shall drown us all! Womenly ways be damned! The mammoth tampon approaches!!!

Sunday, September 24, 2006

read it like disaster

In response to whelming reader demand, here is the inaugural entry of Write It Like Disaster's new weekend book section.

The Power and The Glory and The Fire-Breathing Dragons
Reviewed in this article:
The End of the Affair by Graham Greene
A Clash of Kings: Book Two of 'A Song of Ice and Fire' by George R. R. Martin

in A
Clash of Kings: Cersei Lannister, a beautiful but cruel temptress, once married to King Robert Stark, she secretly bedded her brother Jaime ("Kingslayer") Lannister, thereby insuring that the heirs to the throne were not Robb’s seed but the result of incestuous meddling.
in The End of the Affair: God
---Advantage: The End of the Affair

in A Clash of Kings:
Tyrion Lannister, a misshapen dwarf who uses cunning to become the Hand of the King and helps his nephew govern the city of King’s Landing before he being betrayed in the field of battle by his sister’s henchman
in The End of the Affair: Richard Smythe, whose face marked by a large strawberry colored stain, is a man of science and logic who preaches pure rationalism to Sarah (at the end of the book, God removes the birthmark miraculously)
---Advantage: A Clash of Kings

in A Clash of Kings: In the aftermath of Robert Baratheon’s death during a hunting accident, the kingdom is divided into chaos when four men take up the crown: good-hearted young Robb Stark, iron-willed Stannis Baratheon, beloved weakling Renly Baratheon, and evil-minded Joffrey Stark. Meanwhile, wildlings from the North Country prepare to descend upon the south with their anarchic craven ways, while Daenerys Targaryen, living in exile, nurses three young dragons at her breast (honestly) as she plots to retake the kingdom by reign of fire
in The End of the Affair: World War II
---Advantage: A Clash of Kings

in A Clash of Kings: Cersei Lannister cuckolds her husband the king by bedding her own brother, Jaime Lannister; later, when he is held prisoner, she beds a cousin who resembles him Jaime
in The End of the Affair: Sarah cheats on her husband with Maurice Bendrix, among many, many others
---Advantage: A Clash of Kings

in A Clash of Kings:
Varies, the eunuch, provides counsel informed by his network of spies; he lost his manhood to traveling sorcerers in childhood and is impervious to the sensual temptation that ruins other men of his rank
in The End of the Affair: Henry has never brought his wife to orgasm via lovemaking
---Advantage: A Clash of Kings

in A Clash of Kings: Kills treacherously at Storm’s Landing
in The End of the Affair: None
---Advantage: A Clash of Kings

in A Clash of Kings: Ice-frosted Others savage the vast armies of the Night’s Watch sworn to keep out the Wildlings of the North
in The End of the Affair: Sarah catches a pneumonia walking without her jacket
---Advantage: A Clash of Kings

in A Clash of Kings:
Eight-year-old Bran Stark is pushed out a window by Jaime Lannister upon witnessing the incestuous relationship between Jaime and Cersei. After landing on the stone surface below, Bran loses the use of his legs and cannot remember what he saw
in The End of the Affair: Sarah experiences her first orgasm when Bendrix fucks her on the floor of Henry’s flat while her husband is bedridden one flight above them
---Advantage: The End of the Affair

in A Clash of Kings:
Stannis Baratheon, unable to gather as many soldiers to his banner as his popular younger brother Renly, rejects the old gods in favor of the Lord of Light and a Rasputin-esque Red Sorceress who harnesses his power to kill Stannis’ enemies
in The End of the Affair: Sarah becomes Catholic, dies soon after
---Advantage: Tie

Final Score:
A Clash of Kings 7
The End of the Affair 3

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

labor pains

To: W. Axl Rose
From: The Estate of Upton Sinclair

Dear Mr. Rose,

Thank you for your recent interest in the works of Upton Sinclair. Unfortunately, at this time we are unable to authorize your proposed broadway musical "Welcome to the Jungle" based on his most famous book, The Jungle. As you can guess, we receive many licensing requests for his works, and cannot grant permission for all of them. Please do not take this as a rejection of your band's musical style. If anything, Mr. Sinclair would have been excited by your guitarist's decision to call attention to unsavory practices in the meat industry by wearing a Kentucky Fried Chicken bucket on his head.

As part of our mission to protect the intellectual property of Upton Sinclair, we feel it is important not to flood the market with too many works. Between P.T. Anderson's upcoming film adaptation of Oil! and the Kool & The Gang/Twyla Tharp meat industry musical "Jungle Boogie," we do not feel it would be prudent to release another Sinclair work at this time.

If you are still interested in the project in a few years, perhaps we can revisit the idea. In the meantime, we would like to congratulate you on having contacted the correct estate. Last month we fielded an inquiry from the band Aerosmith, which had us mistaken for the estate of Sinclair Lewis.

Best wishes,

Upton Sinclair III

Friday, August 25, 2006

she acts like we never have met

AIM IM between BDylan31 and jrecords_aliciakeys - 11:51 AM

BDylan31: r u going to buy my album?
jrecords_aliciakeys: who is this?
jrecords_aliciakeys: oh, i see. um...
BDylan31: im going to eat a sandwich
jrecords_aliciakeys: i'll get a copy
jrecords_aliciakeys: i don't buy records anymore
jrecords_aliciakeys: no time for shopping!
BDylan31: records dont sound good anyway
jrecords_aliciakeys: i know what u mean sometimes
jrecords_aliciakeys: what kind of sandwich you eatin'
BDylan31: no food in my house
BDylan31: borrowed bread from charley patton
BDylan31: charley patton dont bake no more
BDylan31: said can i borrow yr bread
BDylan31: he said how much i said a sandwich
BDylan31: he said one slice or four
jrecords_aliciakeys: yeah
BDylan31: thats true some of the time
jrecords_aliciakeys: who's charley patton?
BDylan31: just a guy
BDylan31: are you alone?
jrecords_aliciakeys: i'm on tour
jrecords_aliciakeys: you know
jrecords_aliciakeys: surrounded by people
jrecords_aliciakeys: but also alone =(
BDylan31: yr pretty
jrecords_aliciakeys: blushing!!!!
BDylan31: we should tour together
jrecords_aliciakeys: yeah
BDylan31: you like tourin?
jrecords_aliciakeys: its aight
jrecords_aliciakeys: = alright
BDylan31: my daddy was a tourin man
jrecords_aliciakeys: he was?
BDylan31: he was always on the road
jrecords_aliciakeys: my dad wuz Jamaican
BDylan31: my daddy was a tourin man
BDylan31: always on the road
jrecords_aliciakeys: must have been hard
BDylan31: momma never liked him none
BDylan31: she jus bit her tongue and sewed
BDylan31: he sold suitcase soap and lemonade
BDylan31: lost ten bucks for every sale
jrecords_aliciakeys: oh
BDylan31: he sold suitcase soap and lemonade
BDylan31: lost ten bucks for every sale
jrecords_aliciakeys: too funny
BDylan31: one day he came home
BDylan31: said i sold my way to jail
jrecords_aliciakeys: brb

Monday, August 07, 2006

joetic champions compose

Winners receive year-long subscription to Write It Like Disaster.

(Cleopatra M., Louisiana)
Gossamer feelings
Nasal voice like droning bees
Forward Joementum

(Peter C., Ohio)
I saw the melted road to the future and the approaching tongue of the redwhiteblue leader,
who kissed my cheek before the crowd, who dripped approval on me in the marble Capitol,
who studied coke and booze in universities and flew American skies til war's end,
who read books to babies under burning towers asking men to bring it on,
who choked on war and preztels, joked on newspaper menwomen, smoked out of spider holes hairy-faced men in sand countries...
(Rober P., San Diego)
this is just to say

i have voted
for ned lamont
who was in
the primary

and who
you were probably
to defeat

Forgive me
he was so democratic
and not you

Friday, August 04, 2006

kidz corner

Today's entry consists of submissions from some of our younger readers.

Q: Knock knock.
A: Who's there?
Q: Interrupting Mel Gibson.
A: Interrupting Mel Gibs...
(Darren L., 9 years old, Anti Defamation League Childcare Center, New York)

Q: Why was the Israeli chef mean?
A: Because he beat the eggs, whipped the cream, and dropped bombs on innocent civilians.
(Ali F., 7 years old, Gaza)

Some of our young readers get help from their parents or teachers!
Q: Why did Joe Lieberman cross the road?
A: To get to the RNC headquarters.
(James O., 6 years old, DNC Daycare Facility, Washington, D.C.)

Q: Knock knock.
A: Who's there?
Q: The devil.
A: The devil who?
Q: Hillary Clinton.
(Matt W., 6 years old, Republican Preschool Program, Washington, D.C.)

Q: How many Ralph Naders does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: None! Ralph Nader rarely has to change his lightbulbs because he uses energy efficient compact fluorescents.
(Walden J., 12 years old, Green Party Young Minds Thinkcenter, Vermont)

Two bedsheets walk into a bar near Guantanamo Bay. The bartender says "We don't serve your kind in here" and points to a sign that says "No Bedsheets Allowed." The sheets leave and one says to the other, "I guess we're not going to have any drinks." The other says, "I have a plan."

He tears himself into long thin strips and enters a cell in Camp X-Ray. There, he fashions the pieces of himself into a makeshift rope and ties himself into a noose. Then he wraps himself around the neck of a prisoner who was never formally charged with a crime but had been held there for years without access to a lawyer. The sheet chokes the life out of the prisoner until he is dead.

A guard walks by the cell and sees the man hanging by his neck. The guard says, "Wasn't there a prisoner living in here, and shouldn't he have been protected from torture by the Geneva Conventions"? And the sheet says "I'm a frayed knot."
(Tommy B., 14 years old, ACLU Afterschool Program, Washington, D.C.)

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

slow earner

A very small portion of the Internet was abuzz last week when a user claiming to be Thomas Pynchon posted a blurb to the description of his forthcoming book on When the blurb disappeared the next day, readers wondered whether it had actually been submitted by the reclusive Pynchon, or was a hoax along the lines of the Wanda Tinasky letters. Pynchon has since been confirmed as the blurb's author, and his book, Against the Day will be released in December.

In the meantime, eager-eyed web readers have found these other pieces they wish to attribute to Mr. Pynchon, who, in addition to the major novels V., Gravity's Rainbow, and Mason & Dixon, has previously authored liner notes for indie rock band Lotion and offered notes on the script of an episode of "The John Laroquette Show."

eBay: Seller's description of Cuisinart 480z 6 Speed 500Watt Blender (Condition: Used):
Who sez you can't chop vegetables? Certainly not the next owner of this fine machine. It's a doozy, and at this price, a bargain to boot. Somewhere in the distance you can hear the celery screaming across the refrigerator, but it is too late: the food processing has begun. Don your chef's hat and grab that whisk, boys, folks will enjoy your summer soup, a.k.a. "Gazpacho," your pulverized parsley, and your minced almonds a la mode. Good luck.

Flickr: caption, photograph of wet puppy on a couch:
The dog sits on the sofa. Some would call it a love seat or sectional. The chair doesn't much care either way, and the emotions of its visitors have little effect on the wood, the wool, and the springs inside, this piece of furniture having seen far more in its lifetime than most of its guests could imagine. It remembered a night in Mexico City...

Us Magazine website, user comment, blog entry: Whose Video is Hotter - Ashlee's or Jessica's?:
[excerpt] ...quite as sleezy, what?" Dorita Coolranch answered with a flick of her wrist. "But you have to admit her latest video is better." The clock struck fourteen and the gong commenced its vibration. "C'mon, Ernie, lets get going," Dorita said. Ernest "Camp" Hayvurn chucked his bottle and grabbed for his guitar. To the Sailor's Moon Cafe, then... CHAPTER 4: IN WHICH ASHLEE GETS A NOSE JOB: Schoenmaker first made two incisions, one on either side through the internal lining of the nose, near the septum at the lower border of the side cartilage...

Sunday, July 23, 2006


The New York Times, July 23, 2006:
The American Bar Association said Sunday that President Bush was flouting the Constitution and undermining the rule of law by claiming the power to disregard selected provisions of bills that he signed.

Historians have recently uncovered these other previously unknown signing statements from history.

John Kennedy, Executive Order 10924 (establishing Peace Corps), 1961:
*For clarity’s sake, when this act refers to "the globe," it is speaking of the planet Earth and not my enormous head.

Franklin Roosevelt, United States Executive Order 9066 (authorizing internment of Japanese-Americans), 1942:
*This does not apply to Nips in wheelchairs – they have it tough enough as it is.

William Howard Taft, Payne-Aldrich Tariff Act, 1909:
*These higher tariff rates shall not apply to food products dedicated to consumption by the President of the United States, signatory to this act. Additionally, a copy of this law shall be transcribed onto the side of a lamb shank, which the President will then eat with delicious barbecue sauce.

Abraham Lincoln, Emancipation Proclamation, 1862:
*I reserve the right to force into slavery any douchebag that calls my wife ugly or shoots me.

Franklin Pierce, Kansas-Nebraska Act, 1854:
*If anyone has a better idea for how to handle this, please let me know. (You can reach me by post at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave, Washington, D.C. I would provide my zip code, but it has not yet been invented.)

John Adams, Alien and Sedition Acts, 1798:
*Unto the Condtions set out above– Is added this Decree – Henceforth shall the Vice President be regarded as an Ass –Who may lick my scrotal Regions – If the Man can find a Moment in which he is not engaged with one of his Slaves.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

friedman rock

A transcript follows.

Let's get today's chat started.

Our guest is acclaimed author Thomas L. Friedman, author of "The World Is Flat" and "The Lexus and the Olive Tree." He first came to my attention as the author of 1989's "From Beirut to Jerusalem," a National Book Award winner. As an expert on globalization and the Middle East, he should offer some interesting insights into today's increasingly volatile international situation.

Thomas L. Friedman: Hey everyone, good to be here.

Raleigh, NC: Fried -

I hope that you've gotten a lot of messages like this, but I think the Friedman Rock crew should collectively pour a sip on the ground for Syd Barrett. Thanks.

Thomas L. Friedman: I'm not sure what you're talking about, but thanks for joining us.

Washington, D.C.: How sad and ironic that Syd Barret died on the same day Pink Floyd released the long-awaited Pulse DVD. Even though he was never an integral part of the band's success. His much-publicized influence on the band has never been properly credited. Without Syd, my favorite Floyd album, "Wish You Were Here," never happens.

I'm sure Gilmour and the boys will send all of the profits from this latest release to his estate. They have been compensating his estate since he left.

Thomas L. Friedman: I think you may have logged into the wrong chat.

Takoma Park, Md.: So, what do you like for R and B this summer.

I caught Van Hunt opening for the Heavies this weekend and WHOA!

I picked up Omar's new release, "Sing...if you want it" from the UK. Great stuff.

Tough for a guy raised in the 80's on quality funk and R&B to find music today. Everybody is following, not enough people stretching out.

Thomas L. Friedman: You mentioned the UK. It will be interesting to see how their policy shifts in a post-Blair government.

national cathedral: What's up with Fugazi? Are they still together, they have not done the Fort Reno thing is ages. I am from here but lived over seas most of my life and missed most of their very active years. Any news?

thanks I love these chats

Thomas L. Friedman: An overseas guest! Welcome to the chat. It's clear that even in the world of online discussions, globalism is making its presence known. The Internet makes this sort of cross-ocean conversation possible. I am not sure who Fugazi is.

Let's shift the discussion over to Middle East topics.

Atlanta, Ga.: This down year in music will certainly pick up on August 22nd. That's the day that Outkast's "Idlewild" will drop.

Thomas L. Friedman: Seriously, does anyone have any questions about the Middle East?

Whither the Long Golden Mohawk?: Have there been any Sly Stone sightings since the Grammys?

Thomas L. Friedman: I am not sure. I will point out that the Grammys have added more world music categories recently, and even given over a separate awards show to the Latin Grammys.

I'd love to talk about the current geopolitical climate.

Truth or Consequences, NM: Nothing to say about the Thom Yorke album?

Thomas L. Friedman: No.

Bethesda, Md.: rest in peace syd Barrett,

I had heard rumors that Syd was not in the best of health, wonder if this will spur the rest of the band to do a concert....?

Thomas L. Friedman: The tech guru running this chat tells me that the band in question is Pink Floyd, who played at the Live 8 concerts arranged to coincide with the G8 summit last year.

There's an interesting discussion to be had regarding debt relief and globalism if anyone wants to talk about it.

Glen Ellyn, Ill.: Mr. Friedman,

Have you joined Jay-Z's Cristal boycott yet? I'm thinking of going back to Rolling Rock myself.

Thomas L. Friedman: I read about this boycott in The Economist. Unfortunately I'm no expert on hip hop music. No takers on the globalism/debt-relief discussion?

Arlington, Va.: TLF, I must commend you on your recommendations. I took a chance on Gnarls Barkley a couple of months ago and after last week, I downloaded LDN. Both songs have since made my Mix CD Of The Summer. What else do you recommend these days?

By the way, I promise to properly attribute any listeners' amazement and delight in my car to you, but I can't promise any royalties.

Thomas L. Friedman: The books on tape version of "The World Is Flat" is great listening for the commute.

I'm not familiar with the other music you mention. Perhaps you have me confused with someone else?

Cash: Hey Friedman,

Got the new Cash CD and it is really good. One of the best is a Springsteen tune which I don't think ever appeared on a Bruce CD.

Rather depressing for the younger folk but for an old guy like me (49), it really hit the spot......

Thomas L. Friedman: Well, I do know who Johnny Cash and Bruce Springsteen are. Unfortunately, I have not heard the most recent Cash CD. In fact, I thought he passed away some time ago. Does he really have a new CD?

At 49, you are not old!

There's some serious stuff happening in the Middle East. Let's talk about it.

Speaking of "The Boss".....: Rage Against The Machine's "The Ghost of Tom Joad" and video of the song totally rock. -sigh- Too bad they're not still around.

Thomas L. Friedman: Nobody expected Ariel Sharon's Kadima party to survive after his stroke, but Olmert has done a good job of keeping it together. Of course, some suggest his lack of hardline military experience means he must make concessions to strong defense elements of the government in order to maintain power. The flare up in Gaza (and now Lebanon) might derail his plans for a unilateral West Bank pull out.

Silver Spring, Md.: Do you like Trance/Electronica music (like Paul Oakenfold, Sasha, Paul Van Dyk)?

Thomas L. Friedman: I was in Beirut during its last period of violence, as discussed in my book "From Beirut to Jerusalem." They recently made steps towards independence from the interfering hands of Syria after the assassination of Rafik Hariri, but much of that progress seems lost now.

More fun in the new world....: Henry Rollins is touring with X! Are you going to the 930 Club on 8/15? Will you bootleg the show for me? (I keed, I keed.)

Thomas L. Friedman: Last chance for anyone who wants to discuss the Middle East...

Rage....: I love their cover and live performance with Cypress Hill on "How I Could Just Kill A Man." Cypress Hill is one of the best rap groups of all time. Or at least through their first 3-4 albums.

Thomas L. Friedman: You assholes are wasting an incredible opportunity. I am a fucking genius on globalism.

Washington, D.C.: Lily Allen's latest album is available on her myspace page. I am listening to it now. Not bad.

End of transcript.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

bad company

The Washington Post, July 12, 2006:
The Army is discontinuing a controversial multibillion-dollar deal with oil services giant Halliburton Co. to provide logistical support to U.S. troops worldwide, a decision that could cut deeply into the firm's dominance of government contracting in Iraq.

Most Successful Burtons:

  1. Tim Burton
  2. Sir Richard Burton
  3. Halliburton
  4. Richard Burton
  5. LeVar Burton
  6. Burton Reynolds
  7. Bert and Ernie (phonetic Burton)
  8. "Beast of Burton" - The Rolling Stones (1978)
  9. tie - Cliff Burton / Jason Newstead

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

american tune

The Declaration of Independence as compiled via Mad Libs by five students of different ages:

    When in the Circus of human lasers, it becomes silly for one people to dissolve the smelly bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the poopheads of the earth, the ugly and stupid station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's hot dog entitle them, a decent respect to the elbows of mankind requires that they should fart the causes which impel them to the toy stores.
    We hold these dildos to be self-evident, that all fags are created equal, that they are endowed by their Stacy is a slut with certain unalienable titties, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of blowjobs. --That to secure these rights, cockrings are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the stupid Pollocks, --That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Scrotum of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its penthouses on such principles and organizing its pubic hairs in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and blowjobs. Prudence, indeed, will scream while fucking that Governments long established should not be changed for hairy and gay causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that goats having sex are more disposed to suffer, while handjobs are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the pink tacos to which they are accustomed. But when a long orgy of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same orgasm evinces a design to reduce them under absolute mirrored ceilings, it is their right, it is their duty, to jerk off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security. —Such has been the lame sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the [left blank] which constrains them to alter their former [left blank] of [left blank]. The history of the present [left blank] is a history of repeated [left blank]and usurpations, all having in direct [left blank]the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these [left blank]. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid fag.
    He has refused his Assent to Guggenheim museums, the most methodical and necessary for the public good.

    M.C. Escher has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of tangential and sympathetic importance, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to defenestrate to them.

    Trey Anastasio has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of vegans, unless those people would relinquish the right of Representation in the sucky corporate Starbucks, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.

    George Eliot has called together legislative bodies at fraternities rape unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their public Records, for the sole purpose of stoning them into compliance with his measures.

    Jean Baudrillard has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the iPods of the people.

    Wes Anderson has refused for a long time, after such drum circles, to cause others to be elected; whereby the Legislative powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the sheep at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of parents from hometowns, and convulsions within.

    Jonathan Safran Foer has endeavoured to prevent the population of these George W. Bush sucks; for that purpose obstructing the meat is murder for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to ultimate frisbee others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.

    [this page removed to roll marijuana joint]

    Todd has combined with todd to subject us to a todd foreign to our constitution and unacknowledged by our Todds; giving his Assent to their Todd of pretended Legislation:
    For Quartering large bodies of armed troops among us:

    For protecting them, by a mock Trial, from punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these States:

    For cutting off our Trade with all parts of the world:

    For imposing Taxes on us without our Consent:

    For depriving us, in many cases, of the benefits of Trial by Jury:

    For transporting us beyond Oceans to be tried for pretended offences:

    For abolishing the free System of English Laws in a neighbouring Province, establishing therein an Arbitrary government, and enlarging its Boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these Colonies:

    For taking away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws, and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments:

    For suspending our own Legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.

    He has abdicated Government here, by declaring us out of his Protection and waging War against us.

    He has plundered our seas, ravaged our Coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.

    He is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to compleat the works of death, desolation and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty and perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized nation.

    He has constrained our fellow Citizens taken Captive on the high Seas to bear Arms against their Country, to become the executioners of their friends and Brethren, or to fall themselves by their Hands.

    He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages, whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.

    In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms:
    Our repeated I don't understand have been I only by repeated Marge, do I write something here?. A Prince whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a what time is Shirley coming?, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.

    Nor have We been I told you I already took them in attentions to our British brethren. We have warned them from time to time of I SAID I ALREADY TOOK THEM by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have I don't know where yours are to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the didn't you leave them in the bathroom? of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our The bathroom? and No, I said 'the BATHROOM!'. They too have been turn your hearing aid back on to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. What time did you say Shirley is coming? must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of I can't eat fish any more, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.

    We, therefore, the Dr. What's his name said I shouldn't eat fish of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the you know, the Indian one with the eyebrows of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by the Authority of the good People of these Dr. Koolwal, that's it, solemnly publish and declare, That these United Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent I said 'DR. KOOLWAL'; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the well if you knew, why didn't you tell me? I was trying to think up his name, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally That might be Shirley; and that as Free and Independent I'm trying to do that book Joe sent us, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to Joe, Mary's son, Joe, the one who plays soccer all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. And for the support of this Shirley, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Marge's hearing aid isn't working, we mutually pledge to each other my wife Marge, our Fortunes and our sacred she's in the bathroom, Shirley. I can't eat fish.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

la dolce vita

Some captions one is unlikely to see accompanying celebrity photographs in tabloid publications:
  • Dwight Yoakam unveils a painting of his cat at a gallery opening in Upper Marlboro. The cat is named Detective Whiskers.
  • Jennifer Lopez teases a child with a lisp who asked for her autograph outside FAO Schwartz. In the background, Rick Schroeder sells pretzels from a cart.
  • Annabeth Gish waits in line to buy a taco in Malibu.
  • The late Charles S. Dutton is memorialized in this sculpture made from sugar at Hershey Park in Pennsylvania, two years from today, following his tragic death at the hands of a mongoose on the set of Pitfall: The Movie.

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

going for the gold

The New York Times, May 31, 2006:
Lance Armstrong won a small victory today in clearing his name of doping allegations connected with the 1999 Tour de France, the first of his record seven wins in the race. A Dutch lawyer hired by the International Cycling Union issued a report that said drug tests conducted on urine samples from the 1999 Tour de France were mishandled and, in turn, the test results could not be linked with Armstrong or any other athlete.


  • Always wear rubber gloves while handling urine.
  • Do not place urine samples on counter near small cups of apple juice.
  • If you need to urinate while conducting tests, always go to the lavatory. Do not, under any circumstances, use the cyclists' urine samples as a receptacle for your own urine.
  • To clarify the "glove" rule above -- you should wear some protective garment on your hands, and gloves are recommended over mittens, because they allow greater dexterity.
  • Do not place a crucifix or any other religious artifact into the urine sample. If, by accident, a crucifix falls into a urine sample, the sample should be marked as contaminated and must be disposed of properly. Do not photograph the sample in order to sell the negatives to Andres Serrano collectors.
  • If you have deformed fingers, you are allowed to wear rubber mittens. If anyone asks, tell them you have deformed fingers, but do not specify what sort of deformity.
  • Do not wear clothing that is white with yellow flowers, because if you accidentally spill a urine sample, you may not notice immediately.
  • Do not stir the urine samples with the same spoon you used to mix the human-growth-hormone cocktail for your daughter who is being treated for Turner's Syndrome.
  • Samples are to be tested blindly to preserve anonymity -- do not wrap a "Live Strong" bracelet around Mr. Armstrong's urine sample to identify it.
  • Do not make a musical instrument by pouring the urine samples into various pieces of crystal stemware and rubbing your fingertip around the rims of the different glasses to create diferent pitches.
  • Whether you are wearing rubber gloves or rubber mittens, do not put them over your head and inflate them by breathing out your nose like Howie Mandel used to do before he started wearing the gloves on his hands as a result of his OCD.
  • When in doubt, it is best not to emulate any of Mr. Mandel's behavior when you are in a labratory setting.

Sunday, May 21, 2006

the break-up of the species

The Economist, May 20, 2006:
EVOLUTION: Humans could have interbred with chimpanzees
... a study published this week by scientists in America ... concludes that humans and chimpanzees interbred after the two species first separated, before eventually going their different ways some 5.4m years ago. Humans are thus much more recently related to their closest relatives than was previously thought.

Excuses for Breaking Up With Members of Another Species:

  • "There are literally other fish in the sea."
  • "Things are moving too fast. I'm just not ready for a short-beaked finch at this point in my life."
  • "I've evolved into someone else."
  • "I'm sorry, but I just don't love you anymore. Especially when you throw poop at me."
  • "I hope we can still be friends."
  • "I'm going to be away at college, and you're a rhesus monkey."
  • "Dear John, This is the hardest letter I've ever had to write. Especially because I don't have thumbs. Holding the pencil is almost impossible. I don't think we should see each other anymore."
  • "It's not your kingdom, phylum, class, order and genus; it's my kingdom, phylum, class, order and genus."
  • "I'm gay. And not a walrus."
  • "You're a Gazella thomsonii, and I'm a Gazella subgutturosa." (applies only to gazelles)