help for the lovelorn

Activities for people who find themselves alone on Valentine's Day.

1. Look up ex-girlfriends on MySpace. When a search comes up with no results, assume it's because that girl has gotten married and now has a different last name. Try to find her profile using only her first name and what you know about her interests as search criteria. When you find a "Julie" who has no images online and includes The English Patient as a favorite book, convince yourself that's your Julia, even though her bio says she's 14 and lives in Minnesota, while your Julia is 26 and moved to Seattle last you had heard.
2. Buy a pint of Ben & Jerry's Oatmeal Cookie Chunk. Eat it all in one sitting. When you can no longer reach the bottom of the container with your spoon, try to lick the ice cream remnants. Since your tongue won't reach, use a pair of scissors to tear open the package and lick all of the ice cream off of it. See what you've done and decide that your neighbors will look through your trash and think you're pathetic. Decide to blame your dog for destroying the pint container. Since you don't have a dog, walk to the supermarket and buy a can of dog food to put in the trash with the torn Ben & Jerry's container, so your neighbors will realize your dog did it. Suddenly realize that your neighbors will know you're pretending to have a dog if you throw away an unopened can of dog food, or if they find the dog food in the trash bag with the can. Using the ice cream spoon, eat the dog food so you can throw away the empty can with the savaged Ben & Jerry's pint. Convince yourself that you can still taste the ice cream on the spoon rather than the dog food.
3. Purchase a bootleg DVD of Casanova, starring Heath Ledger. While the movie plays, have an imaginary conversation with the film's director. Everytime Casanova takes a lover, yell, "You and me, Lasse, we're the only ones who get it." When your downstairs neighbor complains about the volume, yell angrily that you're talking to acclaimed director Lasse Halstrom. Scream that "He directed The Cider House fucking Rules!"
4. Make an iTunes playlist that consists of R.E.M.'s "Everybody Hurts" and nothing else. Listen to it, and sing along. Begin dancing, and hold your arms out to your sides as if you've been crucified. At the end of the song, each time, fall to your knees. Find yourself pleasantly surprised that the song is beginnging again. Repeat until 3 AM.
5. While looking at the "NO PHOTO" icon from Minnesota Julie's MySpace profile, masturbate vigorously.