the dogs of march

The New York Times, March 21, 2006:
ARMY DOG HANDLER IS CONVICTED IN DETAINEE ABUSE AT ABU GHRAIB
An Army dog handler was found guilty Tuesday of tormenting detainees at the Abu Ghraib prison in Iraq with his snarling Belgian shepherd for his own amusement.

INTERVIEW WITH MY DOG

Q: What do you think of the verdict?

A: I haven't read it yet. Actually, and this is kind of embarassing, I peed on the newspaper with the story in it.

Q: Sgt. Michael J. Smith was found guilty on 6 of 13 charges including maltreatment, dereliction of duty and conspiring with another Army dog handler to frighten detainees into urinating and defecating on themselves.

A: That last one doesn't sound so bad.

Q: The detainees were humans.

A: I see why that would be a problem.

Q: Do you agree with experts who say the Abu Ghraib scandals did irreversible damage to the Arab world's view of Americans?

A: The mistreatment of prisoners is a blemish that will not soon go away, but I don't believe it is permanent.

Q: You think the relationship can be fixed?

A: I told you in advance I wasn't going to talk about getting fixed.

Q: How does the release of graphic torture photos featuring K-9 officers affect you and your fellow dogs?

A: It certainly makes things rough. Rough. Rough rough. Rough rough rough. Rough rough rough. Rough rough.

Q: Who's a good boy? Are you a good boy?

A: Rough rough rough.

Q: Do you think we need a timetable for getting our troops out of Iraq?

A: We can't just cut and run. We are tied to the Iraqi people and we have an obligation -- if we don't act, global extremism will suffocate democracy, like a choke collar around its neck. The liberals would have us roll over and play dead, but I think we have to learn to shake off our complacency and be prepared to fetch evildoers wherever they are thrown. But we must be careful, because sometimes it looks like evildoers are being thrown far away, but they're really in the hand the whole time. And by that I mean sleeper cells.

Q: Do you think we have a solid plan for reconstruction?

A: Let's be honest. We've made a mess of things in Iraq. We walked right into their yard and took a dump. But better to do it in your neighbor's lawn than for you to come home one day and find a pile of poop in your own house, right? Now the only decent thing to do is scoop the insurgency up into a plastic bag, tie it up, and throw it away. The last thing we want is for someone else to step in it and spread it around.

Q: Thank you for talking with us.

A: I was led to believe there would be a treat involved.