heroes

The New York Times, Elite Troops Get Expanded Role on Intelligence, March 8, 2006:
The military is placing small teams of Special Operations troops in a growing number of American embassies to gather intelligence on terrorists in unstable parts of the world and to prepare for potential missions to disrupt, capture or kill them.

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CONVERSATION AT A MIDDLE EASTERN EMBASSY

AMBASSADOR PIERCE: Good morning, Clyde.

SECRETARY BABCOCK: Mister Ambassador.

AMBASSADOR PIERCE: You wanted to talk to me about something?

SECRETARY BABCOCK: I have some questions about the new charge d'affaires.

AMBASSADOR PIERCE: Mitchell? He's a very tall chap, isn't he?

SECRETARY BABCOCK: Yes, quite tall. Does anything strike you as, well, funny about him?

AMBASSADOR PIERCE: Hardly. If anything, the poor fellow's a little deficient in the humor department.

SECRETARY BABCOCK: I meant that he seems a little out of place here. As if he's never worked for a diplomat before.

AMBASSADOR PIERCE: I'm not sure I follow.

SECRETARY BABCOCK: Well he's always carrying things in and out of the embassy.

AMBASSADOR PIERCE: You know how it is, when you first get posted to a country. Everything is so new and exotic that you buy more than you need to at the local markets. Need I remind you of the Kenyan agriculture masks you bought at our last posting?

SECRETARY BABCOCK: You'll never let me forget that, will you? Anyway, that would explain him bringing things into the embassy, but not taking stuff out.

AMBASSADOR PIERCE: I assumed he was returning or exchanging purchases after having a change of heart.

SECRETARY BABCOCK: Every time I see him carrying something, it's rifle-shaped.

AMBASSADOR PIERCE: Let's not let our imaginations get the better of us. This part of the world is famous for its intricately woven carpets, so it's only natural that he would be excited to get his hands on one. Now, as you say, they are the size and shape of a rifle when rolled up, but that's hardly grounds to accuse the man of mischief.

SECRETARY BABCOCK: He's always looking out his window with a telescope.

AMBASSADOR PIERCE: He told me he studied astronomy at school. I assume the man was stargazing.

SECRETARY BABCOCK: During the day?

AMBASSADOR PIERCE: Listen, I won't have you casting aspersions on him when he can't defend himself. Need I remind you that he solved our infestation problem?

SECRETARY BABCOCK: He killed 17 rats by throwing knives at them with pinpoint accuracy.

AMBASSADOR PIERCE: A capital improvement to our living situation!

ENTER THE NEW CHARGE D'AFFAIRES, MITCHELL, WITH A SERVING TRAY.

AMBASSADOR PIERCE: Mitchell, we were just talking about you!

CHARGE D'AFFAIRES MITCHELL: Yes, sir.

AMBASSADOR PIERCE: And your fine handling of the rodent situation.

CHARGE D'AFFAIRES MITCHELL: Something I learned at Camp Pendleton, sir.

SECRETARY BABCOCK: A ha!

CHARGE D'AFFAIRES MITCHELL: That's a day camp my parents sent me to, sir.

SECRETARY BABCOCK: Oh.

AMBASSADOR PIERCE: No need to call him sir.

CHARGE D'AFFAIRES MITCHELL: Your afternoon tea is served.

AMBASSADOR PIERCE: Wonderful.

CHARGE D'AFFAIRES MITCHELL: We ran out of the shortbread cookies you like, so I made some MREs.

SECRETARY BABCOCK: Are we supposed to eat them out of those bags?

CHARGE D'AFFAIRES MITCHELL: They include a plastic spoon. This one is "chili with beans" and this is "vegetable manicotti."

AMBASSADOR PIERCE: All that in a little plastic bag? What will they think of next!

SECRETARY BABCOCK: Listen, Mitchell, do you have that report on the embassy expenditures.

CHARGE D'AFFAIRES MITCHELL: Affirmative, sir. I'll go get it.

MITCHELL EXITS.

SECRETARY BABCOCK: OK. Clearly something's up. He was wearing camoflauge just now.

AMBASSADOR PIERCE: Clyde, aren't you going to eat your vegetable manicotti?

SECRETARY BABCOCK: No. I'm not. He's up to something, I tell you. Also, my car's battery is missing, and so are the jumper cables.

MITCHELL RETURNS. HE HANDS BABCOCK A REPORT.

CHARGE D'AFFAIRES MITCHELL: I marked the overages in blue. We're on target to meet our estimated budget.

SECRETARY BABCOCK: What did you mark in red ink?

CHARGE D'AFFAIRES MITCHELL: Nothing.

SECRETARY BABCOCK: Look, right here.

CHARGE D'AFFAIRES MITCHELL: Oh, that's a bloodstain. You can ignore that.

PIERCE OPENS DESK DRAWER.

AMBASSADOR PIERCE: Say, Mitchell, here's that garroting rope you requisitioned last week. It came via the overnight pouch from Belgium.

CHARGE D'AFFAIRES MITCHELL: Thank you, sir.

SECRETARY BABCOCK: What are you going to do with that?

CHARGE D'AFFAIRES MITCHELL: Tie up some loose ends.

AN AWKWARD PAUSE.

AMBASSADOR PIERCE: And we thought you didn't have a sense of humor.