make you feel better

Unconventional ways to cheer up your friend in the hospital:

• Secretly puncture bottom of bedpan belonging to patient in the neighboring bed.
• Replace pens used by doctors and nurses with ones that use disappearing ink.
• Grow a long beard. Then visit friend and begin acting out scene from movie version of "The Fugitive" where Harrison Ford cuts off his beard in the hospital room sink. Loudly declare, "I didn’t kill my wife!" and "Get off my plane!"
• Purchase a priest’s costume from a Halloween store having a post-Halloween sale, and then administer last rites to deathbed patients throughout the hospital. Because you are not actually a priest, the annointing of the sick will not be valid in the eyes of the church and the patients will be denied access to the Kingdom of Heaven. After they have died, let their families in on the secret.
• Every time your friend’s meal is brought to him, tell the nursing staff that "I'll have what he’s having" but make it sound as sexual as possible.
• Sign your friend’s cast with a cheery message from a terrible despot like Slobodan Milosevic, Idi Amin, or Pol Pot.
• Bring a heavy sheet of plexiglass with you and place it between you and your friendin the hospital bed. Then use your cell phone to call him and talk to him as if you are visiting him in prison. Promise him his lawyer will have him home in time for Christmas.
• Find a human femur. Stop at KFC and buy a bucket full of drumsticks. Remove the chicken from the bones and affix the meat to the femur using an edible polymer. Walk into your friend’s hospital room eating the chicken and proclaim "That guy in Room 12 didn’t make it ... but he sure is delicious." (NOTE: You may replace "Room 12" with a more appropriate reference depending on the architeture of your specific hospital.)
• Put a pair of sunglasses on a can of Dr. Pepper. Remove the sunglasses and say to your friend, "The doctor will see you now." Drink the Dr. Pepper and say "Sorry I drank your doctor, buddy."