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Ways to Commemorate the 65th Anniversary of Japanese Attack on Pearl Harbor

• Use a Hollywood star-locating service to get the telephone number of famed movie director Michael Bay. Call him up. When he answers, struggle to your feet and angrily yell into the telephone: "Don't tell me what can't be done!" before collapsing back into your wheelchair.

• Launch your own surprise attack ... on morbid obesity.

• Go drinking at the VFW Hall. When it's your turn to make a toast, proclaim "The only thing we have to fear is .... beer itself." As the crowd of greatest generation veterans cheer and drink, have your friends sneak in and destroy the VFW Hall. Nobody will be expecting it.

• All day long, refer to all Asians you see as either "Nips," "Japs," or "Krauts."

• Begin using the Pearl Harbor attack as a benchmark of unfortunate events as in the following examples: "My computer just crashed -- this is the worst thing since Pearl Harbor" or "Your new haircut looks like the Japs launched a surprise attack on your head" or "Is there cilantro in this burrito? Hirohito! I hate cilantro!"