the last shall be

The Internet is proud to announce the winners of its nine-year-long contest to see who could post the most first replies to online discussion threads.

As announced at the start of the competition in 1998, the top five winners receive an Apple iMac G3 in Bondi Blue.

The top 25 rankings for all online discussions since March 18, 1998 are listed below by user name. If you can prove that you are the author behind the user name on all first posts associated with it, please contact the Internet to receive your prize.

Top Ranked

1. anonymous
2. FIRST!
3. (not verified)
4. first
5. First!
6. frist
7. me
8. Me
9. asdf
10. awesome
11. FIRST!!
12. jabba
13. thissitesucks
14. dude
15. cooldude
16. bartsimpson
17. asfjkl;
18. you are all nerds
19. poop
20. greenspan7
21. blahblahblah
22. mr shit
23. gandalf
24. first1
25. fuckballs

you'll fly away

A Letter of Apology from JetBlue and Walter Reed Army Medical Center

Dear Valued Customer and/or Wounded Veteran,

You deserve better!

Recently, many of you were forced to wait long periods of time in extremely uncomfortable conditions for the services we promised to provide you. We are very sorry and promise to make it up to you.

Whether you are a hip and trendy traveler or a wounded war veteran, the care and treatment you received was not up to the high standards we maintain.

As a result of a severe winter ice storm in the Northeast and protracted war on terror in Iraq, our resources were pushed beyond their maximum capacity. Due to a holiday weekend and complete breakdown of civic government caused by our dismimssal of Baathist elements in the government, we were unable to fulfill our mission of bringing humanity back to air travel and democracy to the Middle East. We let you down.

In order to correct the problem, we have published the JetBlue Airways Customer Bill of Rights, relieved Maj. Gen. George W. Weightman from command, and temporarily placed Lt. Gen. Kevin C. Kiley in charge of the Walter Reed facility. We would like to point out that, whatever complaints you might hear about Kiley, he was definitely not responsible for JetBlue operations during our Presidents Day Weekend troubles.

Nothing is more important than America defeating the Sunni insurgency or JetBlue regaining your trust or America backing fundamentalist Sunnis against Iran's secretly funded Shiite militias. All of us here hope you will give us the opportunity to welcome you onboard again soon and provide you the positive JetBlue Experience you have come to expect from us, or we hope that we don't have the opportunity to provide you with medical care following a war wound, because we don't want you to receive another war wound, but if that should occur, we hope that you will find your treatment better than it was in the past, whether we are talking about medical care or JetBlue travel.

Sincerely,
Secretary of the Army Dr. Francis J. Harvey
David Neeleman, Founder and CEO, JetBlue Airways

repeat offender

Online Chat with David Fincher

A: Welcome! Let's get to the questions...

Q: What inspired you to make Zodiac?

A: THE THREAT OF SERIAL KILLERS IS REAL! DO NOT BE FOOLED BY STATISTICS SUGGESTING THAT SERIAL KILLINGS HAPPEN INFREQUENTLY.

Q: How much of Zodiac is based on fact?

A: Also, I should say, Jared Leto's character in Panic Room was a serial killer. I explained it in a scene that was deleted.

Q: What was it like working with Jake Gyllenhaal?

A: And another one: Michael Douglas was a serial killer in The Game. LOOK OUT FOR SERIAL KILLERS EVERYONE!!!! Some serial killers come from other planets just to kill humans like in Alien3.

Q: What recommendations do you have for young filmmakers starting out?

A: The most important thing is to get as much experience as possible behind the camera and DON'T be murdered by serial killers before you finish your films.

Q: I was a fan of your music videos ... do you ever miss working on a smaller scale?

A: Good question. As you know, Janie, in "Janie's Got a Gun" was a serial killer. She killed her father, and was planning to kill again. Madonna's cat in "Express Yourself" tortured and killed countless mice. I hope to make some more music videos about serial killers in the future.

Q: I've heard you didn't get along with Forrest Whitaker on the set of Panic Room ... is this true? What do you think about him winning the Oscar?

A: We had a few disagreements. I shouldn't really talk about it. Let's just leave it at I thought he might be a serial killer and confronted him about it and I don't think he had to do much research into mass murder to play Idi Amin because FORREST WHITAKER IS PROBABLY A SERIAL KILLER. But that's all I'll say.

Q: How do you feel about digital vs. film?

A: I've always loved film. I think the rise of digital media, and HD cameras especially, are making it much easier for deranged voyeuristic serial killers to document their crimes. Michael Powell's documentary "Peeping Tom" covered this sort of behavior, and while it was easy to track and catch killers who were transporting bulky film cameras (Bolex, Panaflex), today's crop of killers can go to Best Buy and get a high quality hand sized digitial video camera for under $500. WE ARE PRACTICALLY BEGGING THESE PEOPLE TO BECOME SERIAL KILLERS!

Q: What is your next project?

A: I just hope to survive 2007.