Thursday, March 29, 2007

the new world

Today's science section explores our Solar System following the exciting release of photographs of a giant hexagon on Saturn, a mysterious cloud formation four times larger than the Earth.

Shapes of Things
Saturn isn't the only planet with unusual geometry. In 1974, NASA's Mariner 10 probe discovered that Mercury is actually a cube! At least, that was the explanation Brad Levitt gave in my sixth-grade class for why he used a Rubik's cube to represent the planet, when all the other ones were spherical objects like a basketball (Jupiter), a Whopper chocolate-coated malted milk ball (Venus), and a baseball (Earth). Tim also explained that most of the characters in S.E. Hinton's novel The Outsiders were teenagers drafted into the army, which is why they were represented by G.I. Joe action figures in his diorama. An exception was Ponyboy, who was not in the army, but very muscular. He carried a sword and looked like He-Man, except with a small moustache painted on his face in Wite-Out.

Round and Round
Early astronomers mistakenly believed that the sun and other planets all orbited around the Earth, which was thought to be the center of the universe. It was later discovered that the planets were in an elliptical orbit around the sun, as described by Johannes Kepler in the Seventeenth Century. Kepler's unorthodox ideas were initially rejected by a skeptical public, but later came to be appreciated for their groundbreaking vision, much like iconoclastic Orbit, the makers of new Mint Mojito gum. Orbit Mint Mojito gum is good for your teeth and fabulous for your taste!
This section was written with financial support from the Wrigley Company.

By The Numbers
There are currently only seven planets in our Solar System, not nine! Pluto was downgraded to "dwarf planet" status by the International Astronomical Union in 2006, while Venus was eaten by Edgar Bascom of Lakewood Elementary School in 1988. He reported that it was "crunchy" but "delicious."

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

swing kids

Dana,

Given how well the speech went over this morning with the National Cattlemen's Beef Association, I'd like to schedule a series of follow-up speeches to get more footage of the President in front of supportive crowds.

Can you have someone on your staff find out if any of the following groups exist so they can host a speech from the President?

American Dynamiters Guild
National Trashfire Society
Association of Unilateral Movers and Shakers
Citizens for a Science Free World
Large Car Enthusiasts Coalition
Pan American Loyalists Federation
Association of American Recording Device Producers
Project for the New American Class System
USA Action Against Apologies
Texas Brushclearers Alliance
Committee To Promote Prison Growth


Thanks in advance.

-K
Sent from my BlackBerry Wireless Handheld
kr@votingfordemocratsistotallygay.net

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

newsy

Val,

Haven't seen you in a while. Here is a list of set-ups for tonight's monologue jokes... please write the punchlines.
  1. Monica Goodling has told congressional investigators that she will plead the Fifth in order to avoid testifying about her role in firing eight US attorneys for political reasons....
  2. Iran continues to detain 15 British soldieres it claims it captured after they entered Iranian waters...
  3. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales's former chief of staff, D. Kyle Sampson is set to testify before the Senate Judiciary Committee this Thursday...
  4. On Monday, Broward County Medical Examiner Joshua Perper announced his findings that Anna Nicole Smith had died of an accidental drug overdose...
  5. Vice President Dick Cheney, who shot his friend in the face and whose lesbian daughter is pregnant, said Democrats in Congress are undermining American troops...
  6. The Democratic-controlled Senate narrowly signaled support Tuesday for the withdrawal of U.S. combat troops from Iraq by next March...
-Ted

* * *

Ted,

Thanks for contacting me. I haven't read a newspaper since I moved off the grid to this shack in Montana in 2002. I didn't quite understand all the set-ups. I hope the references I used are still accurate enough that you can use some of my punchlines.
Monica Goodling has told congressional investigators that she will plead the Fifth in order to avoid testifying about her role in firing eight US attorneys for political reasons...
--Monica Goodling? She should change her name to Monica Badling. Because she's bad. At whatever it is that she does. Testifying, for instance.

Iran continues to detain 15 British soldiers it captured after they supposedly entered Iranian waters....
--Experts believe they would be released right away if the Geneva Convention required orthodontal care of POWs.

Attorney General Alberto Gonzales's former chief of staff, D. Kyle Sampson is set to testify before the Senate Judiciary Committee this Thursday...
--Legal scholars hope his testimony wraps up before 8 pm, so they can watch "Friends" on NBC.

On Monday, Broward County Medical Examiner Joshua Perper announced his findings that Anna Nicole Smith had died of an accidental drug overdose...
--In a survey, 100 of 100 men said they were relieved to know that she was not crushed to death by her enormous breasts, and therefore it is probably safe for their wives to go ahead and get enormous breast implants. (Was she still famous for having big breasts?)

Vice President Dick Cheney, who shot his friend in the face and whose lesbian daughter is pregnant, said Democrats in Congress are undermining American troops...
--I don't understand. Did those things really happen, or is that a premise for a sketch?

The Democratic-controlled Senate narrowly signaled support Tuesday for the withdrawal of U.S. combat troops from Iraq by next March...
--When asked for comment, current Iraqi President Saddam Hussein said he hadn't even realized U.S. troops were still there after the war ended in 1991, but if he had known, he would have kicked them out of Iraq so fast they would swim 200 meters out into the Persian Gulf in under 1 minute and 44 seconds, which is the current record for 200m held by Australian swimmer Ian Thorpe.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

mr inhofe goes to town

In the wake of climate change hearings involving Al Gore, Oklahoma Senator James Inhofe also released the following questions prepared in case of Congressional testimony by this year's other Academy Award winners:

Martin Scorsese:
If the need for film preservation is really as urgent as you claim, then how was I able to obtain this awesome DVD of Casablanca?

Florian Henckel Von Donnersmarck:
Isn't it true that many scientists believe it is impossible for you to have that name?

Helen Mirren:
Frankly, I'm concerned, about the number of times your Jane Tennison has zeroed in on prime suspects who turned out to be innocent, or who got away without facing charges. How do you answer that concern?

Jennifer Hudson:
I hate to be the, the skeptic up here, but can you explain why I'm going to love you? Because of your stomach pains? Because you can sing? I just don't think I'm going to love you.

Forest Whitaker:
You portrayed Idi Amin as a black man. There is some disagreement, though, as to whether he was from Africa, is there not?

Alan Arkin:
Why is it that we never hear about catches one through 21? Don't the taxpayers have a right to hear about all the catches that affect our armed forces?

Thelma Schoonmaker:
I have here a list of film critics who maintain that The Departed was actually filmed in one take and didn't require editing. Shouldn't we give equal credence to their viewpoints?

Monday, March 19, 2007

the last shall be

The Internet is proud to announce the winners of its nine-year-long contest to see who could post the most first replies to online discussion threads.

As announced at the start of the competition in 1998, the top five winners receive an Apple iMac G3 in Bondi Blue.

The top 25 rankings for all online discussions since March 18, 1998 are listed below by user name. If you can prove that you are the author behind the user name on all first posts associated with it, please contact the Internet to receive your prize.

Top Ranked

1. anonymous
2. FIRST!
3. (not verified)
4. first
5. First!
6. frist
7. me
8. Me
9. asdf
10. awesome
11. FIRST!!
12. jabba
13. thissitesucks
14. dude
15. cooldude
16. bartsimpson
17. asfjkl;
18. you are all nerds
19. poop
20. greenspan7
21. blahblahblah
22. mr shit
23. gandalf
24. first1
25. fuckballs

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

duck on a rock

Even if you don't know much about basketball, you can use the following phrases to participate in NCAA tournament discussions:

"I picked [insert name of state] to go all the way this year. Go dawgs!"

"I like when they take it to the hoops."

"Georgetown is pretty good this year. Also, it's an anagram for 'We go get Ron.' No, I have no idea who Ron is."

"Who do you have in the pool? Really? You have the whole [insert name of team] squad in a swimming pool? It must be crowded. But who do you think will win the tournament? Haw haw haw."

"I like March Madness because I can say 'Dick Vitale' repeatedly."

"There's only two things I like to dunk: donuts and basketballs. But only if they're filled with jelly."

"Defense." [make sure to say it with gusto]

"What's your favorite novelty color basketball? Ooh. Sounds pretty."

Monday, March 12, 2007

life of kiley

Complete this current events mix and match to determine how much you know about Kevin Reilly, recently renewed as Entertainment president for the NBC television network, and Kevin Kiley, recently forced to retire as surgeon general of the Army due to the Walter Reed scandal.

Which item belongs to which Kevin?
  • Is trying to order more "Scrubs"
  • Failed to order more scrubs
  • Is worried about declining quality of "ER"
  • Was not worried about quality of ERs
  • Responsible for shameful, ugly situation
  • Aired "Studio 60: On the Sunset Strip"
  • Downplayed reports of rodent infestation and mold
  • Played up ratings success of "The Apprentice" with Donald Trump
  • Negotiated corporate synergy behind "iVillage Live"
  • Specialized in gynecology

Thursday, March 08, 2007

rise up stinging

Post-credit scenes you may have missed from this year's films:

An Inconvenient Truth - At the parking lot outside a mall in Anaheim, shaky hand-held footage shows Al Gore running up to a red Humvee and sratching the paint job with his car keys. He then kicks one of its tires and runs away laughing.

Children of Men - The camera slowly pushes in on Michael Caine's character, Jasper, lying on the ground outside his house where we last saw him. On the soundtrack, we hear the delicate sound of an old man farting. Jasper grins.

Pan's Labyrinth
- The creature with hands for eyes walks around his lair, throwing things in a fit of rage, yelling "What happened to my f*cking grapes?!?"

The Lives of Others
- Wiesler sits down on his couch and opens his newly purchased copy of Georg Dreyman's book. Suddenly, he looks directly at the camera and tells the viewer: "I don't know how to read."

Flags of Our Fathers
- Black and white footage shows us the present-day stone memorial at the actual Iwo Jima site. We hear the sound of dog tags jingling in the breeze like wind chimes, and the footage focuses on the beach below. As the waves crash against the shore, we see a Japanese soldier climb out of his cave and beat Hilary Swank to death.

The Queen
- We see the Queen sitting by herself on an expensive sofa, sobbing uncontrollably. After 20 seconds of this, the camera pans around to reveal that she is watching a DVD of the film Ray.

Volver
- In an Errol Morris style interview, Penelope Cruz is interrogated by an off-camera presence. Although there are no subtitles, viewers who speak Spanish will note that she is asked if Pedro Almodovar is the gayest man she has ever worked with. She laughs and replies, "No, no, I was in Vanilla Sky."

Little Children
- In a science laboratory, Kate Winslet has her eye pressed against the lens of a microscope. "Now that's what I call tiny children," she mutters to herself.

Babel
- In an outtake from the film, Brad Pitt flubs a line. Everyone laughs at him good naturedly. "Oops," he says, "I guess I have to adopt another kid."

United 93
- We hear the familiar sound of the no-smoking sign on an airplane but see instead the backlit icon of a terrorist with a red "X" over him.

The Departed
- An outtake from an early scene in the film: As an assistant is slating the reel, Jack Nicholson asks "How was that last one Marty?" Off-camera, Martin Scorsese replies "Pretty good, Jack. Try this one a little bigger." Nicholson nods, then does a double take. "Bigger?" Everyone laughs. The film exposure blows out suddenly and the screen goes blank.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

now the orgy is over

Most popular ways to commemorate the death of Jean Baudrillard:
  1. Flip through your copy of The Transparency of Evil after you take it down from the shelf where you keep it alongside the Leonard Cohen albums, dog-eared copy of Infinite Jest, and Rilke poetry collection you use to impress and sleep with girls who wear glasses.
  2. Watch The Matrix and when Baudrillard's Simulacra and Simulation appears on screen, scoff, mutter to yourself that "they don't get it," and turn off the DVD.
  3. Attempt to look up Baudrillard on Wikipedia. Give up after three unsuccesful tries ("Baudriard," "Bowdrillard," "Boatrillart").
  4. Watch Annie Hall because you think he was the guy Woody Allen pulls into the movie theater lobby scene. When you realize that was Marshall McLuhan, convince yourself that you had planned to watch the movie anyway, since you saw Diane Keaton at the Oscars this year and remembered how funny and vibrant she was in the 1970s.
  5. It is doubtful whether more than four people will commemorate the death of Jean Baudrillard.

Friday, March 02, 2007

you'll fly away

A Letter of Apology from JetBlue and Walter Reed Army Medical Center

Dear Valued Customer and/or Wounded Veteran,

You deserve better!

Recently, many of you were forced to wait long periods of time in extremely uncomfortable conditions for the services we promised to provide you. We are very sorry and promise to make it up to you.

Whether you are a hip and trendy traveler or a wounded war veteran, the care and treatment you received was not up to the high standards we maintain.

As a result of a severe winter ice storm in the Northeast and protracted war on terror in Iraq, our resources were pushed beyond their maximum capacity. Due to a holiday weekend and complete breakdown of civic government caused by our dismimssal of Baathist elements in the government, we were unable to fulfill our mission of bringing humanity back to air travel and democracy to the Middle East. We let you down.

In order to correct the problem, we have published the JetBlue Airways Customer Bill of Rights, relieved Maj. Gen. George W. Weightman from command, and temporarily placed Lt. Gen. Kevin C. Kiley in charge of the Walter Reed facility. We would like to point out that, whatever complaints you might hear about Kiley, he was definitely not responsible for JetBlue operations during our Presidents Day Weekend troubles.

Nothing is more important than America defeating the Sunni insurgency or JetBlue regaining your trust or America backing fundamentalist Sunnis against Iran's secretly funded Shiite militias. All of us here hope you will give us the opportunity to welcome you onboard again soon and provide you the positive JetBlue Experience you have come to expect from us, or we hope that we don't have the opportunity to provide you with medical care following a war wound, because we don't want you to receive another war wound, but if that should occur, we hope that you will find your treatment better than it was in the past, whether we are talking about medical care or JetBlue travel.

Sincerely,
Secretary of the Army Dr. Francis J. Harvey
David Neeleman, Founder and CEO, JetBlue Airways

Thursday, March 01, 2007

repeat offender

Online Chat with David Fincher

A: Welcome! Let's get to the questions...

Q: What inspired you to make Zodiac?

A: THE THREAT OF SERIAL KILLERS IS REAL! DO NOT BE FOOLED BY STATISTICS SUGGESTING THAT SERIAL KILLINGS HAPPEN INFREQUENTLY.

Q: How much of Zodiac is based on fact?

A: Also, I should say, Jared Leto's character in Panic Room was a serial killer. I explained it in a scene that was deleted.

Q: What was it like working with Jake Gyllenhaal?

A: And another one: Michael Douglas was a serial killer in The Game. LOOK OUT FOR SERIAL KILLERS EVERYONE!!!! Some serial killers come from other planets just to kill humans like in Alien3.

Q: What recommendations do you have for young filmmakers starting out?

A: The most important thing is to get as much experience as possible behind the camera and DON'T be murdered by serial killers before you finish your films.

Q: I was a fan of your music videos ... do you ever miss working on a smaller scale?

A: Good question. As you know, Janie, in "Janie's Got a Gun" was a serial killer. She killed her father, and was planning to kill again. Madonna's cat in "Express Yourself" tortured and killed countless mice. I hope to make some more music videos about serial killers in the future.

Q: I've heard you didn't get along with Forrest Whitaker on the set of Panic Room ... is this true? What do you think about him winning the Oscar?

A: We had a few disagreements. I shouldn't really talk about it. Let's just leave it at I thought he might be a serial killer and confronted him about it and I don't think he had to do much research into mass murder to play Idi Amin because FORREST WHITAKER IS PROBABLY A SERIAL KILLER. But that's all I'll say.

Q: How do you feel about digital vs. film?

A: I've always loved film. I think the rise of digital media, and HD cameras especially, are making it much easier for deranged voyeuristic serial killers to document their crimes. Michael Powell's documentary "Peeping Tom" covered this sort of behavior, and while it was easy to track and catch killers who were transporting bulky film cameras (Bolex, Panaflex), today's crop of killers can go to Best Buy and get a high quality hand sized digitial video camera for under $500. WE ARE PRACTICALLY BEGGING THESE PEOPLE TO BECOME SERIAL KILLERS!

Q: What is your next project?

A: I just hope to survive 2007.