the turtle can't help us

An Idiot Reviews the ‘Darwin’ Exhibit at the American Museum of Natural History

First of all, if you’re expecting a retrospective about the dolphin from the popular television series "SeaQuest DSV," or at the very least a tasteful tribute to the late actor Jonathan Brandis, then you’re in for a rude awakening at this museum.

Apparently this is exhibit is about an old scientist. I asked one of the guards, and he said it was possible the "SeaQuest" dolphin had been named after the old scientist, but he was not really familiar with the show so he could not be sure. I found it hard to believe someone would be so ignorant of the world as to not know about "SeaQuest." And believe me, I mentioned the original captain Roy Scheider AND Michael Ironside from when it was "SeaQuest 2032," and neither version rang a bell for this guy. Things were not off to a good start.

If you’re like me, your first question is: So what did this guy Darwin look like? Well, according to the stuffed dolls on sale in the gift shop, he was bald and had messy white hair, just like Alfred Einstein. But you can tell them apart because Darwin is not pictured in front of a blackboard with E=MC2 written on it it.

Oh, I almost forgot. Even though there’s no mention of "SeaQuest," there’s a lot of references to the Natasha Henstridge movie Species, which Charles Darwin apparently came up with the idea for. There aren’t any pictures or props from the film, I think because the museum couldn’t afford them. But there are a lot of pages from his notebook from when he was coming up with the movie. I don’t know if he wrote Species II or not.

At the door to the exhibit, there are two big turtles that are alive. I watched them for like an hour and they didn’t do anything. But after I came out of the exhibit, one had pooped AND moved across the floor. I was mad that I missed that!

So then you go inside and there’s a lot of stuff about Charles Darwin. First there’s stuff about him growing up, which is boring, unless you like old-timey stuff. For instance, they have his rock hammer in a glass case. Why was that there? I wondered. Did he hammer someone to death? I asked a guy with glasses, but he said he didn’t think Darwin hit anyone with the hammer. The Glasses Guy said Darwin was interested in rocks and how old the Earth was, which helped lead to his theory. I said, Why didn’t he just cut open the Earth and count the rings? The Glasses Guy laughed like I had made a very fine joke, so I pretended I had. We both had a good laugh, and I decided to keep up with him, so he could explain things to me.

Then there was a movie playing that I wanted to watch, but the glasses guy walked right past it! Before you think he’s retarded, though, it wasn’t a real movie like King Kong or King Arthur or King Ralph. It was a museum movie, so it probably sucked anyway.

Then there was a model ship. The guy said it was called The Beagle. I said that was a stupid name for a ship and if I ever had a ship I’d call it the "U.S.S. Fang Monster." The Glasses Guy looked at his watch and walked ahead some more. He was probably embarrassed that he couldn’t think up a cool ship name like I did.

Next was a bunch of fake animals from some islands called "Galapagos." I wrote it down on my hand because it was such a weird name I wanted to remember. Sometimes I write phone numbers on my hand when I don’t have paper with me and I want to call a girl later. Usually I forget and wash my hand in the shower the next day and don’t get to call her because I lost her number. One time I saw an old guy with a girl’s number tattooed on the inside of his wrist, so I thought he must have really wanted to call whoever gave him the number so bad that he was worried it would come off in the shower. I even said that to him. I said "I guess you were worried about the showers, huh?" and pointed at the number on his wrist, and he got all serious and said he had never been more terrified of anything in his life. It was weird.

Anyway: All the animals from "Galapagos" were funny looking. Glasses Guy said they had something to do with Darwin thinking it was decent of man. To be honest, I sort of stopped paying attention to him for a while here because I saw this little skeleton which turned out to be from a vampire bat. When I turned around he had left. This is where they had all of Darwin’s papers from writing the movie Species. I guess he was really ahead of his time, but looking at a bunch of papers is boring. The only cool part here was a little stuffed monkey dressed in human clothes. The sign said zoos in England used to dress up monkeys like people when Darwin was alive. That must have been cute to see, except when they throw poop at each other. Can you imagine being a stupid animal with nothing better to do than throw poop around all day? I’m glad I’m not a monkey.

This was where the museum ended, so I went back to the beginning and that was when I saw the turtles had pooped while I was inside. That was a bummer. So if you go to the Darwin exhibit, don’t go past where the two turtles are, because you might miss the chance to see them poop like I did.

I usually end my reviews with a thumbs-up or down, but if you’ve read this far, you know I didn’t really like Darwin, so thumbs are not necessary.

winter dreams

Use this handy chart to determine whether you have Winter Olympic fever (the first option) or a case of anthrax (the second).

• You haven’t felt this way since 2002; you haven’t felt this way since 2001.
• You hope for mountains full of white powder; you open envelopes full of white powder.
• You anxiously await the results of drug tests; you anxiously await the results of Anthrax tests.
• Your favorite athletes are semi-pro; your favorite drug is Cipro.
• You often yell “Go for the gold!”; you often handle camels or goats.
• You are sad because Michelle Kwan’s Olympic gold medal dreams have died; you are sad because the person who opens your mail has died.

the little red internet

The Washington Post, U.S. Firms Balance Morality, Commerce, Feb. 19, 2006:
BEIJING -- A congressional hearing in Washington last week focused attention on the practices of four U.S. Internet companies doing business in China -- Google Inc., Yahoo Inc., Microsoft Corp. and Cisco Systems -- amid mounting criticism that they are making money in the world's second-largest market of Internet users at the expense of human rights.
---
The following is the first chapter of a mystery novel recently smuggled out of China. Written by a dissident angry about the lack of internet freedom, it has yet to find a publisher.

Blood spattered the gravel around the crime scene. A man's corpse, the source of the blood, had a knife sticking out of its back.

Arriving at apartment building, Detective Leung opened the door of his cruiser.

"You're late," said the patrolman who had radioed dispatch. "I called for back-up over two hours ago."

Leung removed a pair of sunglasses and stared down the officer.

"I would have been here sooner," he said, "but some roads were closed and I was not able to get driving directions from any sort of frequently updated map source."

The officer softened his face. "I understand. I often find myself on a quest for maps. If there was a way to type in the address I was going to, or the intersection, and get instructions for how to get there, life would be easier."

Both men walked to the corpse.

Detective Leung donned a rubber glove and removed the knife from the man's back.

"I'll send this to evidence," he told the officer. "It was probably purchased with cash, which will make it difficult to trace. My job would be a lot easier if there were some sort of online shopping centers from which criminals could buy weapons using their credit cards. That way I could obtain the records and find a list of suspects who owned the weapon in question."

"Something like that would be helpful for me too," said the patrolman, as he put a piece of gum in his mouth. "Not for crimesolving, but for shopping. I can never find the time to stop by the market and get what I need."

Leung made a note of the dead man's position. "My old partner used to say the same."

"You used to work with Detective Lin, right?"

"Right."

"What was he like?"

"I never really knew him that well. If there had been an easily accessible catalogue of his favorite books, movies, TV and shows, plus comments from his friends, I might have gotten to know him better, and counted him as one of my friends." Leung sighed. "Instead, I never felt like he opened up his personal space to me." In fact, Leung had never even met Lin's wife, although if he had, and if he had seen pictures of what they looked like in high school, he might have exclaimed "She married him?!" due to the fact that she looked rather nerdy back then, while Lin looked like a popular student.

Leung squatted down to examine the corpse, and felt a flash of pain in his back. Lately he had found it difficult sleeping on the small bed in his tiny apartment. Not for the first time did he wish he could find a better place to live. Real estate agents were expensive, Leung knew, but if he could bypass the middle men and find people who had rooms to rent or apartments to sublet. Leung's friend Craig had talked of creating a list of availabilities he knew about, but had not yet done so. It was hard to find a place Leung could afford on his own, but he was not yet married. And it was so hard to meet people. Last night on his way home he had seen a woman and felt a connection to her. She was sitting on a bench reading Chairman Mao's Little Red Book. He was standing at the bus stop, also reading Mao's book. But Leung had missed his chance to talk to her -- there was no way he could get in touch with her.

The officer grunted, bringing Leung back from his thoughts.

"What a horrible way to die," the officer said. "An argument gone too far."

"What happened?" Leung asked.

The officer explained that two men had been overheard arguing about who directed the first Big Momma's House movie. When neither man agreed with the other, the argument escalated into violence.

"It probably never would have happened if there was some resource or database they could have consulted to find out the cast and crew of any movie," said the officer. "But there is no such thing, and now one of them is dead. What makes people act like this?"

"Well," Leung said, "we all have a little bit of evil in us. But what can you do? It's not like you can say 'Don't be evil' and expect everything to turn out fine." Leung took out his notebook to begin the investigation. Maybe somebody nearby had seen something. "Any chance that a witness will pop up?"

"Not with this block," the patrolman said, pointing to the empty residences lining the street.

This made Leung upset. The best representation of his emotional state would have been for him to stick out his downturned thumb while his eyebrows arched and little lines of anger emanated from his head. But since this was not possible, he settled for a simple frown.

The officer seemed to eagerly await some comment from Leung, almost as if he was eating from a small bag of popcorn in front of his round yellow face.

"I'm not feeling lucky," Leung said.

supergroups for librarians

Ideal music collaborations for literature fiends:

Guitar: Slash (GNR)
Guitar: Scott Ian (Anthrax)
Bass Guitar: Duff McKagan (GNR)
Drums: Charlie Bernante (Anthrax)
Vocals: Seal
Band Name: Guns, Germs, and Seal

Guitar: Neil Schon (Journey)
Guitar: Lonnie Mack (blues guitarist)
Bass Guitar: Ross Valory (Journey)
Keyboards: Greg Rolie (Journey)
Drums: Steve Smith (Journey)
Vocals: Isaac Hayes / Brian McKnight
Band Name: Lon, Hayes, Journey and McKnight

Guitar: Andy Taylor (Duran Duran, Power Station)
Bass Guitar: John Doe (X)
Drums: Tony Thompson (Chic, Power Station)
Vocals: Beck Hansen /Kate Bush
Band Name: Kate X Beck Stations

Guitar: Jan Kuehnemund (Vixen)
Bass Guitar: Share Pedersen (Vixen)
Violin: Sarah Martin (Belle & Sebastian)
Drums: Roxy Petrucci (Vixen)
Vocals: Annie Lennox / Aimee Mann
Band Name: Ann Vixen Belle Mann

Guitar: Michael Ward (Wallflowers)
Bass Guitar: Greg Richling (Wallflowers)
Drums: Rick Allen (Def Leppard)
Vocals: Jakob Dylan /Liz Phair
Band Name: Phair Wall Two Arms

the revolution will now be televised

The Washington Post, Rice Asks for $75 Million to Increase Pressure on Iran, Feb. 16, 2006:

Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice asked Congress yesterday to provide $75 million in emergency funding to step up pressure on the Iranian government, including expanding radio and television broadcasts into Iran and promoting internal opposition to the rule of religious leaders. (emphasis added)

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's Least Favorite TV Programs

1. Frontline (PBS) - Although one might expect Ahmadinejad to dislike this show's hard-hitting international journalism, he actually stopped watching because a recent special on "The Meth Epidemic" featured addict's mug shots that "totally creeped [him] out." Also, the program refused to respond to his email idea for an episode detailing how the myth of the Holocaust has been spread.
2. Star Trek: Voyager (UPN) - Iran's president is not alone in considering this the weakest installment of the popular sci-fi franchise. He is, however, one of the few "Voyager" critics who cite its lack of detailed nuclear weapons building instructions as the reason for its failure.
3. Best Week Ever (VH1) - Ahmadinejad's biggest complaint is about this show's misleading title. It will not truly be the 'best week ever' until Israel is wiped off the map, he says.
4. Nightline (ABC) – Ahmadinejad hasn’t forgotten that this show was originally titled “The Iran Crisis: America Held Hostage.”
5. MythBusters (Discovery) - Hosts Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman found time to determine the veracity of the "Exploding Port-A-Potty" story but still haven't examined the popular myth that the Holocaust took place.
6. Lost (ABC) - Ahmadinejad finds this show implausible because a large number of plane crash survivors have been on the island for months now, and are still discovering hidden sections, but one inspector from the I.A.E.A. was able to find Iran's reactivaed nuclear weapons program in a matter of days. Also, it burns him that hunky Naveen Andrews plays Sayid as an Iraqi, when his character could just as easily have been Iranian.
7. Medium (NBC) - Patricia Arquette's psychic crime drama is a favorite of Iran's Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. But President Ahmadinejad thinks it is overrated and hopes it will be one of the first targets of Iran's nuclear weapons program, if it has not been cancelled by the time the long-range bombs are completed. He especially disliked a recent episode in which Israel wasn't wiped off the map.

help for the lovelorn

Activities for people who find themselves alone on Valentine's Day.

1. Look up ex-girlfriends on MySpace. When a search comes up with no results, assume it's because that girl has gotten married and now has a different last name. Try to find her profile using only her first name and what you know about her interests as search criteria. When you find a "Julie" who has no images online and includes The English Patient as a favorite book, convince yourself that's your Julia, even though her bio says she's 14 and lives in Minnesota, while your Julia is 26 and moved to Seattle last you had heard.
2. Buy a pint of Ben & Jerry's Oatmeal Cookie Chunk. Eat it all in one sitting. When you can no longer reach the bottom of the container with your spoon, try to lick the ice cream remnants. Since your tongue won't reach, use a pair of scissors to tear open the package and lick all of the ice cream off of it. See what you've done and decide that your neighbors will look through your trash and think you're pathetic. Decide to blame your dog for destroying the pint container. Since you don't have a dog, walk to the supermarket and buy a can of dog food to put in the trash with the torn Ben & Jerry's container, so your neighbors will realize your dog did it. Suddenly realize that your neighbors will know you're pretending to have a dog if you throw away an unopened can of dog food, or if they find the dog food in the trash bag with the can. Using the ice cream spoon, eat the dog food so you can throw away the empty can with the savaged Ben & Jerry's pint. Convince yourself that you can still taste the ice cream on the spoon rather than the dog food.
3. Purchase a bootleg DVD of Casanova, starring Heath Ledger. While the movie plays, have an imaginary conversation with the film's director. Everytime Casanova takes a lover, yell, "You and me, Lasse, we're the only ones who get it." When your downstairs neighbor complains about the volume, yell angrily that you're talking to acclaimed director Lasse Halstrom. Scream that "He directed The Cider House fucking Rules!"
4. Make an iTunes playlist that consists of R.E.M.'s "Everybody Hurts" and nothing else. Listen to it, and sing along. Begin dancing, and hold your arms out to your sides as if you've been crucified. At the end of the song, each time, fall to your knees. Find yourself pleasantly surprised that the song is beginnging again. Repeat until 3 AM.
5. While looking at the "NO PHOTO" icon from Minnesota Julie's MySpace profile, masturbate vigorously.

poetry: i, too, dislike it

If you are one of the many fans of the convoluted structure of the sestina, then this Valentine's Day poem is for you:

The students have all made their way 'round the desks
and placed their envelopes in the mailboxes of students.
Each recipient will surely appreciate every Valentine,
even if they know the gesture was mandatory.
For the children were required by their teacher
to distribute a card to everyone in the class.

Oh, to hope that childhood manners become class
in old age, that community can be learned at desks,
the idea of sharing planted in young minds by a teacher.
One day they will divide into popular and outcast students,
because social stratification has become mandatory.
And you can identify the future troublemaker's Valentine.

For there's blood in place of ink on only one Valentine,
the one distributed by a child who scares the class.
The boy for whom psychological tests are mandatory,
the boy who draws skulls on his arms and his desks,
and whispers "You'll get yours" to his fellow students.
Yes, he once threw a history book at the teacher,

And wears a leather jacket to intimidate said teacher,
like that punk on "Family Ties" played by Scott Valentine,
who was actually one of Lee Strasberg's students.
Well, I don't know if he was ever technically in Strasberg's class,
but he did spend time behind New York's Actor's Studio's desks,
where being in the audience of James Lipton's show is now mandatory.

Brits should vote for David Cameron if they demand a Tory,
assuming they can drag themselves away from their tea. Cher
was in the film Mask with Eric Stoltz, who hasn't won Drama Desks,
but worked in a Showtime series by the writers of Valentine,
a horror movie where a boy kills girls from his high school class
years later to punish their cruelty when they were students.

Actor Michael J. Fox played a wide variety of students
in his career, and I believe it is almost mandatory
to mention that his Back to the Future role as class
clown Marty McFly, who sees Doc Brown as a teacher,
was originally given to Mr. Stoltz. Anyway, the Valentine
cards I was talking about earlier sit on the desks

of the class, enjoyed by most students.
And the teacher who made sharing mandatory
imagines fucking Scott Valentine in 1986, on desks.

coming through slaughter

In the wake of devastation wrought by Hurricane Katrina, it was easy to overlook these other signs of trouble for the city of New Orleans.

• Beloved native son and troubadour Dr. John was stripped of his medical license by the Louisiana State Board of Medical Examiners.
• John Woo's film Hard Target was added to the National Film Registry. The movie features Jean-Claude Van Damme portraying a Cajun.
• The church of African-American Spiritual Forces of New Orleans, founded by Mother Leafy Anderson, failed in its bid to purchase voodoo.com and was forced to purchase VD.com as a back-up.
• A panel of linguists concluded that "Iko Iko" is completely meaningless from a grammatical standpoint.
• Despite the best efforts of Ken Burns, jazz is still not popular.
• It was revealed that Tennessee Williams was a little bit gay.
• Actually, he was a lot gay.
• D.C. Comics killed off The Superdome in a multi-comic crossover event.
• Former vampire chronicler Anne Rice abandoned Gothic horror and embraced christianity. This is especially bad news for Big Easy residents looking forward to Exit to Eden 2.
• Louis Armstrong dropped below Lance Armstrong in a ranking of America's Favorite Armstrongs (Number One? Neil.)