Friday, April 20, 2007

band on the run

Rumors suggest that Alberto Gonzales and Paul Wolfowitz are considering forming a rock band if they lose their jobs. The following list of possible names for the group was found written on a cocktail napkin at a bar in Washington, D.C. after the two men were seen drinking there:
  • Albert and the Wolf
  • The Gonzo Wolfowitz Project
  • A.G.P.W.
  • I ROCK THE LAW
  • Wolfahlez (sounds too lesbian?)
  • Resigned to Rock
  • Amnesia!
  • World Crank / Whirled Crank
  • The Loyalists
  • Metal Cabinet
  • Demon Justice
  • The Beatles II

Thursday, April 19, 2007

caption police part ii

Tom,

Here are my revised captions for the Fashion Foul Ups section of the magazine. I hope they are not as offensive as my previous attempts.

-Jane

  • Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. Harrison Ford is wearing a shirt.
  • Julia Roberts has a small leather purse. She was in Mary Reilly.
  • Rose MacGowan is wearing Dolce & Gabanna. Grindhouse. Also, she has a Kate Spade handbag.
  • Mick Jagger (not pictured) can't get no satisfaction looking at this picture of Britney Spears wearing an ugly hat.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Tim Duncan ejected from "Wild Hogs" screening

An usher at San Antonio's Regal Alamo Quarry Stadium 16 movie theater said that Duncan had been "complaining the whole time."

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Monday, April 16, 2007

good news

The following Pulitzer Prizes for technical achievement were awarded earlier last week at a ceremony hosted by Reese Witherspoon:
  • The Pulitzer Prize for Online Pop-Up Features went to Damon Curtis of the Canyon County Herald for "Light Bulb Gallery," a collection of pictures of light bulbs throughout history that accompanied a feature story on energy-efficient light bulbs. (The feature itself did not win any awards.)
  • Lane Ellizper of the Chicago Bee won The Pultizer Prize for Editorial Typo for the caption "War Funs Dwindling" on a pie graph accompanying an Iraq war budget story. The judges said the typo was "incisive and plausible."
  • The Pulitzer Prize for Wedding Announcements was awarded to William Conner of the Hunstville Record for his story "Slater, Niebaum To Wed," which the panel judged "accurate and detailed."
  • The staff of the Albany Post-Examiner was awarded The Pulitzer Prize for TV Listings for "What to Watch Tonight (October 12, 2006)" -- according the the Pulitzer committee, "readers were directed to both the correct channels and accurate start times for programs airing that night."
  • Dr. Dan Huntington, the meterologist for the San Diego Post, took home The Pulitzer Prize for Weather Forecasting for his week-long report "Cold Front Approaches, Rain Possible." In its citation, the judges noted "even though the cold front did not end up arriving, Huntington's description provided a riveting 'what-if' of potential precipitation amounts and temperature changes."
  • Saul Mosenworth of the Valley Times won the Pulitzer Prize for Classified Advertising for "BOAT 4 SALE, GOOD COND. DRYDOCKED, GET SAILING!" According to the judges, Mosenworth "provided a rigorous description of his boat's condition and potential, with an economical use of words and abbreviations that opened the door for other classified advertisements in the section to take up more space."

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delayed entry from friday

Following a suicide bombing in Iraq's Green Zone and the destruction of a landmark bridge Thursday, these other symbolic problems have also been noted:
  • IED destroyed cars parked in "Progress in Iraq" plaza
  • Members of a militia looted the Museum of the Middle East's Democracy, Peace and Order Exhibit
  • In the Baghdad Aviary Center, doves were mauled to death by hawks during unsupervised feeding time
  • Some words ("some" "that are" "supposed to are" and "into") have faded from a sign asking residents to stop dumping trash into a well that provides drinking water, resulting in the large banner near the well that reads "ATTENTION RESIDENTS OF IRAQ: THINGS ARE NOT GOING WELL"
  • Glitch in computerized waitlist notification program at Blockbuster Video located in Sadr City results in all customers being sent e-mail with subject line "Apocalypse Now Ready For You"
  • At Parker Brothers Museum & Gift Shop in Al Anbar province, a night watchman was murdered on top of the super-sized Risk playing board, leaving a bloodstain on the Middle East area of the board.

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Thursday, April 12, 2007

hocus pocus

Dear [Name Withheld],

Thank you for submitting your jokes to the Millions of Laughs Monologue Contest. Unfortunately, your material only met one of the two criteria for the contest:
  1. All jokes must contain a number that is greater than 1,000,000 but not larger than 999,999,999
  2. No jokes may use or suggest obscene language (such as the "f" word)
Please consider rewriting your submissions, which are included below:

What do Shaha Riza and the 26,783,383 people of Iraq have in common?
They were both f*cked by Paul Wolfowitz.

What's the difference between millionaire Ted Nugent and millionaire Don Imus?
One's a rocking fascist...

How is Senator Patrick Leahy, who desires millions of e-mails from RNC accounts, like an impressionable teenager who just had sex for the first time with an aspiring musician/waiter in Williamsburg?
Both are anxiously awaiting the release of records from the f*cking server.
Thank you,
Millions of Laughs Contest Judges

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

it's hard for me to say i'm czarry

Coincidence or Conspiracy?!
The ten least desirable "czar" positions in the current White House, when listed in order of unpopularity with an extra 'r' in Teri Garr's name, form the silhouette of a woman's bosom:

  1. War Czar
  2. Rape Czar
  3. E-Mail Czar
  4. Pretzel Czar
  5. Pet Food Czar
  6. Terri Garr Czar
  7. Evolution Czar
  8. Science Czar
  9. Fact Czar
  10. Hat Czar

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

blog meridian

In preparation for his upcoming Oprah appearance, the previously reclusive author Cormac McCarthy has lately begun blogging about celebrity news and other current topics. Below are three recent excerpts from his website:
I turned on the set and watched for the news of the child's father.
Whos the father, I wondered.
The Judge appeared with his grim countenance. Since the days of the desert, its been known and counted who was the father and who was the child. We've come so far to find out the truth, the end of this business, he said. He drew up his large hammer.
Can you tell me what it is, I asked the set and The Judge.
The light of the set broke upon the plains and the bones and rocks littered amongst the cactus trees and the dry stream bed.
There was punishment in the waiting.
Then the sun set and the word came.
Birkhead, The Judge said. Birkhead entered the cave and made the girl in the time before time when all was unknown and the mother of the land was still alive.
* * *
See the child. He comes from San Antonio in the dust and oil plains. His parents the Mexicans. He joins the air force, later moves from Fort Yukon to Houston.
They all want you to go, dont you see?
I cannot see what I will not see, he says. I know I am right.
Do you think you can stand in the winds of the storm and not be blown over?
I do not know any more than I can tell you.
You do not know much then.
Da igual, no importa.
You are goin to stay, then?
I will stay, yes.
Why dont you go?
I said I will stay.
* * *
His large hair came down over his head, some dust storm across the brow.
The fat woman, he said, I dont like her.
He took a childs hand in his and walked down the aisle. He had walked that aisle before.
He raised his hand and fired. Everywhere this man has been there are bodies left behind.
Does he have any money.
Some more now than he did before. Not as much as he claims.
Donald pasa de castaƱo a oscuro.
Si. His gold aint for real.
I think the posts are about Anna Nicole Smith, Alberto Gonzales, and Donald Trump.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

the big money

Presidential Candidates with Lowest Fundraising Totals So Far
  1. James Loservote: $.009 million
  2. Wilbur Balz Szuck II: $.0005 million
  3. Dontvoot Formey: $.00025 million
  4. William B. Essessinated: $.0001 million
  5. Knut Gowanawin: $.0001 million
  6. Sheila Hasnoshanz-Ofwinning: < $100
  7. Otis Gonnaluz: < $100
  8. Karl Wilgot Tufewvootz: < $50
  9. Rocky Rhodes-Towitehaus: < $25
  10. Michael Cantwin Thepresidencyin08: $0

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

caption police

Jane,

Although we appreciate your efforts to include movie trivia and titles in all the captions for the Fashion Foul Ups section of the magazine, the editors think you went a little overboard with these six:
  • Rather than wear this ugly green dress, Julia Roberts would have been better off dying young.
  • It looks like John Forbes Nash isn't the only one suffering from schizophrenia -- Russell Crowe's stylist must also be suffering from the crippling mental disorder to let him go out in public wearing this shirt-and-pants combo.
  • Too much celebrity skin! We hope Courtney Love's publicist is taking lithium, or else these pictures of his client showing the world her stomach in a bikini this weekend will make him want to blow his brains out with a shotgun.
  • Yikes! Sophie should have spent a little less time choosing which of her children would die in the Holocaust and a little more time choosing what Meryl Streep would wear to the premiere of her latest movie.
  • Whether or not she's a virgin, Kirsten Dunst should have committed suicide instead of leaving the house in these hideous knee-high white socks.
  • Tom Cruise should come out of the closet with a better shirt to wear next time, assuming he's not choosing clothes from his wardrobe with his eyes wide shut. This is far and away one of the worst things I've ever seen him wear: Whoever's giving him fashion advice is as usless as Ron Kovic's legs. You'll need to drink a cocktail after looking at this shirt.
Perhaps you can rewrite them? Thanks. Remember, they don't have to include references to the subject's body of work.