american tune

The Declaration of Independence as compiled via Mad Libs by five students of different ages:

1. FIRST GRADER:
   When in the Circus of human lasers, it becomes silly for one people to dissolve the smelly bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the poopheads of the earth, the ugly and stupid station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's hot dog entitle them, a decent respect to the elbows of mankind requires that they should fart the causes which impel them to the toy stores.
   
2. SEVENTH GRADER:
   We hold these dildos to be self-evident, that all fags are created equal, that they are endowed by their Stacy is a slut with certain unalienable titties, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of blowjobs. --That to secure these rights, cockrings are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the stupid Pollocks, --That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Scrotum of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its penthouses on such principles and organizing its pubic hairs in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and blowjobs. Prudence, indeed, will scream while fucking that Governments long established should not be changed for hairy and gay causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that goats having sex are more disposed to suffer, while handjobs are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the pink tacos to which they are accustomed. But when a long orgy of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same orgasm evinces a design to reduce them under absolute mirrored ceilings, it is their right, it is their duty, to jerk off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security. —Such has been the lame sufferance of these Colonies; and such is now the [left blank] which constrains them to alter their former [left blank] of [left blank]. The history of the present [left blank] is a history of repeated [left blank]and usurpations, all having in direct [left blank]the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these [left blank]. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid fag.
   
3. LIBERAL ARTS COLLEGE SOPHOMORE:
   He has refused his Assent to Guggenheim museums, the most methodical and necessary for the public good.
   
   M.C. Escher has forbidden his Governors to pass Laws of tangential and sympathetic importance, unless suspended in their operation till his Assent should be obtained; and when so suspended, he has utterly neglected to defenestrate to them.
   
   Trey Anastasio has refused to pass other Laws for the accommodation of large districts of vegans, unless those people would relinquish the right of Representation in the sucky corporate Starbucks, a right inestimable to them and formidable to tyrants only.
   
   George Eliot has called together legislative bodies at fraternities rape unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the depository of their public Records, for the sole purpose of stoning them into compliance with his measures.
   
   Jean Baudrillard has dissolved Representative Houses repeatedly, for opposing with manly firmness his invasions on the iPods of the people.
   
   Wes Anderson has refused for a long time, after such drum circles, to cause others to be elected; whereby the Legislative powers, incapable of Annihilation, have returned to the sheep at large for their exercise; the State remaining in the mean time exposed to all the dangers of parents from hometowns, and convulsions within.
   
   Jonathan Safran Foer has endeavoured to prevent the population of these George W. Bush sucks; for that purpose obstructing the meat is murder for Naturalization of Foreigners; refusing to ultimate frisbee others to encourage their migrations hither, and raising the conditions of new Appropriations of Lands.
   
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   Todd has combined with todd to subject us to a todd foreign to our constitution and unacknowledged by our Todds; giving his Assent to their Todd of pretended Legislation:
   
4. GRADUATE STUDENT, COLONIAL AMERICAN HISTORY:
   For Quartering large bodies of armed troops among us:
   
   For protecting them, by a mock Trial, from punishment for any Murders which they should commit on the Inhabitants of these States:
   
   For cutting off our Trade with all parts of the world:
   
   For imposing Taxes on us without our Consent:
   
   For depriving us, in many cases, of the benefits of Trial by Jury:
   
   For transporting us beyond Oceans to be tried for pretended offences:
   
   For abolishing the free System of English Laws in a neighbouring Province, establishing therein an Arbitrary government, and enlarging its Boundaries so as to render it at once an example and fit instrument for introducing the same absolute rule into these Colonies:
   
   For taking away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws, and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments:
   
   For suspending our own Legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.
   
   He has abdicated Government here, by declaring us out of his Protection and waging War against us.
   
   He has plundered our seas, ravaged our Coasts, burnt our towns, and destroyed the lives of our people.
   
   He is at this time transporting large Armies of foreign Mercenaries to compleat the works of death, desolation and tyranny, already begun with circumstances of Cruelty and perfidy scarcely paralleled in the most barbarous ages, and totally unworthy the Head of a civilized nation.
   
   He has constrained our fellow Citizens taken Captive on the high Seas to bear Arms against their Country, to become the executioners of their friends and Brethren, or to fall themselves by their Hands.
   
   He has excited domestic insurrections amongst us, and has endeavoured to bring on the inhabitants of our frontiers, the merciless Indian Savages, whose known rule of warfare, is an undistinguished destruction of all ages, sexes and conditions.
   
   In every stage of these Oppressions We have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms:
   
5. SENIOR ENROLLED IN CONTINUING EDUCATION SEMINAR AT SACRED HEART ASSISTED LIVING CENTER:
   Our repeated I don't understand have been I only by repeated Marge, do I write something here?. A Prince whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a what time is Shirley coming?, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people.
   
   Nor have We been I told you I already took them in attentions to our British brethren. We have warned them from time to time of I SAID I ALREADY TOOK THEM by their legislature to extend an unwarrantable jurisdiction over us. We have reminded them of the circumstances of our emigration and settlement here. We have I don't know where yours are to their native justice and magnanimity, and we have conjured them by the didn't you leave them in the bathroom? of our common kindred to disavow these usurpations, which, would inevitably interrupt our The bathroom? and No, I said 'the BATHROOM!'. They too have been turn your hearing aid back on to the voice of justice and of consanguinity. What time did you say Shirley is coming? must, therefore, acquiesce in the necessity, which denounces our Separation, and hold them, as we hold the rest of I can't eat fish any more, Enemies in War, in Peace Friends.
   
   We, therefore, the Dr. What's his name said I shouldn't eat fish of the united States of America, in General Congress, Assembled, appealing to the you know, the Indian one with the eyebrows of the world for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the Name, and by the Authority of the good People of these Dr. Koolwal, that's it, solemnly publish and declare, That these United Colonies are, and of Right ought to be Free and Independent I said 'DR. KOOLWAL'; that they are Absolved from all Allegiance to the well if you knew, why didn't you tell me? I was trying to think up his name, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain, is and ought to be totally That might be Shirley; and that as Free and Independent I'm trying to do that book Joe sent us, they have full Power to levy War, conclude Peace, contract Alliances, establish Commerce, and to Joe, Mary's son, Joe, the one who plays soccer all other Acts and Things which Independent States may of right do. And for the support of this Shirley, with a firm reliance on the protection of divine Marge's hearing aid isn't working, we mutually pledge to each other my wife Marge, our Fortunes and our sacred she's in the bathroom, Shirley. I can't eat fish.