going for the gold

The New York Times, May 31, 2006:
INVESTIGATOR AND ANTI-DOPING GROUP CLASH ON ARMSTRONG TESTS
Lance Armstrong won a small victory today in clearing his name of doping allegations connected with the 1999 Tour de France, the first of his record seven wins in the race. A Dutch lawyer hired by the International Cycling Union issued a report that said drug tests conducted on urine samples from the 1999 Tour de France were mishandled and, in turn, the test results could not be linked with Armstrong or any other athlete.

ICU GUIDELINES FOR PROPER HANDLING OF URINE SAMPLES:

• Always wear rubber gloves while handling urine.
• Do not place urine samples on counter near small cups of apple juice.
• If you need to urinate while conducting tests, always go to the lavatory. Do not, under any circumstances, use the cyclists' urine samples as a receptacle for your own urine.
• To clarify the "glove" rule above -- you should wear some protective garment on your hands, and gloves are recommended over mittens, because they allow greater dexterity.
• Do not place a crucifix or any other religious artifact into the urine sample. If, by accident, a crucifix falls into a urine sample, the sample should be marked as contaminated and must be disposed of properly. Do not photograph the sample in order to sell the negatives to Andres Serrano collectors.
• If you have deformed fingers, you are allowed to wear rubber mittens. If anyone asks, tell them you have deformed fingers, but do not specify what sort of deformity.
• Do not wear clothing that is white with yellow flowers, because if you accidentally spill a urine sample, you may not notice immediately.
• Do not stir the urine samples with the same spoon you used to mix the human-growth-hormone cocktail for your daughter who is being treated for Turner's Syndrome.
• Samples are to be tested blindly to preserve anonymity -- do not wrap a "Live Strong" bracelet around Mr. Armstrong's urine sample to identify it.
• Do not make a musical instrument by pouring the urine samples into various pieces of crystal stemware and rubbing your fingertip around the rims of the different glasses to create diferent pitches.
• Whether you are wearing rubber gloves or rubber mittens, do not put them over your head and inflate them by breathing out your nose like Howie Mandel used to do before he started wearing the gloves on his hands as a result of his OCD.
• When in doubt, it is best not to emulate any of Mr. Mandel's behavior when you are in a labratory setting.