filibuster vigilante

The Washington Post, Senate to Vote On Alito Today, Jan. 30, 2006:
...Alito's supporters garnered a dozen more votes than the 60 they needed to choke off a Democratic filibuster effort, which would have allowed debate to continue indefinitely...

I have received a preliminary list of what democratic senators had planned to use as filibuster material.

• Sen. Daniel Akaka (D-Hawaii): The only Chinese American member of the U.S. Senate planned to read from his collection of cookie fortunes, and then add "in bed" to the end of each. For example, "You have best quality heart (in bed)."
• Sen. Joseph Biden (D-Del.): An avid television fan, Biden hoped to describe this season's storyline on "24." He was especially looking forward to mimicking the sound-effect of the digital clock used as a commercial bumper on the series and pretending to confuse Sean Astin's C.T.U. character with Samwise Gamgee from The Lord of the Rings.
• Sen. Barbara Boxer (D-Cal.): Eschewing her well-known and frequently used infographics, Boxer was inspired to read the lyrics from boxing related songs such as Simon & Garfunkel's "The Boxer" (sample lyric: "Just a come on from the whores on 7th Avenue"), L.L. Cool J's "Mama Said Knock You Out" (sample lyric: "Don't you never, ever, pull my lever / Cuz I explode"), and Guns 'N Roses' "Get in the Ring" (sample lyric: "I got a thought that would be nice / I'd like to crush your head tight in my vice / Pain!!").
• Sen. Robert Byrd (D-WV): Byrd, who has a law degree from American University , planned to name all the Supreme Court justices who have ever served and then free associate off their names. ("Felix Frankfurter ... makes me think of hot dogs, and those hot dog eating contests. How does that skinny Japanese kid always beat the fat guys? ... William Moody ... what, did he have PMS? 'Cause he was moody? I don't know ... Thurgood Marshall ... he was thoroughly good ... Abe Fortas ... probably got called 'Abe Fat Ass' when he was a kid...")
• Sen. Hilary Rodham Clinton (D-NY): Not one to duck from controversy, Clinton looked forward to reading passages from her favorite plantation novels, Beloved, Roots, and Mandingo.
• Sen. Kent Conrad (D-ND): The senator from North Dakota would have used his filibuster time to complain about other senators asking him if he knows actress Dakota Fanning.
• Sen. Russ Feingold (D-Wis.): Mostly known as the second name in the McCain-Feingold campaign finance reform legislation, Feingold hoped to read from Wikipedia entries about other famous second names, such as John Oates, Alvah Roebuck, and Mark "Skid" McCormick.
• Sen. Tom Harkin (D-Iowa): Would have read all the movies he has rented from Netflix in the past two years. Most surprising choice: Soul Plane. Least surprising: Dave.
• Sen. Daniel Inouye (D-HI): No real joke here, but his last name is similar to mine, a fact that was pointed out to me by "The Wire" creator David Simon at a book signing. Also, he killed Richard Kimble's wife on "The Fugitive."
• Sen. John Kerry (D-Mass.): Kerry had no special plans; he has been filibustering since he began his 2004 Presidential campaign.
• Sen. Joseph Lieberman (D-Conn.): See above joke, substitute "2000 Vice Presidential campaign."
• Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill.): The freshman senator was going to read from his bestselling memoir Dreams From My Father and suggest Hollywood actors he would cast in the movie version. Playing the senator? Mr. Harvey Keitel.
• Sen. John D. Rockefeller IV (D-WV): He paid me not to write a joke about him.
• Sen. Paul Sarbanes (D-MD): Sarbanes wanted to jump up and down, yelling "Oh man, my banes are sore! Sore banes! Sore banes! I got me a case of the sore banes!" in faux Southern accent.
• Sen. Ron Wyden (D-Ore.): Planned to describe life on the road with his band, The Rolling Stones.

bling and blame

Alan Greenspan steps down as chairman of the Federal Reserve this week.

I am increasing the rate at which I will miss him by 0.02%.

one hundred years of solid dudes

Associated Press, Marquez Says He's Stopped Writing for Now, Jan 29. 2006:
MADRID - Nobel Prize winner Gabriel Garcia Marquez, who rarely offers glimpses into his private life, says he has stopped writing — for the time being, at least.

I contacted some famous authors to get their input and advice for Mr. Marquez.

• "If you really want to know about it, there is a shed near your house. Go there and pretend to write. Wait for the hot 18-year-olds to come calling. Bed them. Tell them you'll show them some new stories if they go down on you." -- J.D. Salinger
• "I am too busy writing three new books to give you advice." -- Joyce Carol Oates
• "Update an old E.M. Forster book. It worked for me. Maybe A Passage to India? I don't think many people have read that." -- Zadie Smith.
  
• "Will You Please Start Writing Please?" -- ghost of Raymond Carver
  
• "Come slowly forward. Look down at the rusted typewriter. Press your thumbprint in the warm wax pooled on the space bar. Lastly look at the letters so caved and drawn among the keys of the Corona, the yellowed paper, the punctuation very thin. That is not writing. That is not writing." -- Cormac McCarthy
  
• "Grow a goatee." -- T.C. Boyle
• "How did you get my number?" (Click followed by dial-tone.) -- Thomas Pynchon
  
• "Just make shit up, dude." -- James Frey
• "I was cooking spaghetti and listening to jazz records when I heard that Gabriel Garcia Marquez had stopped writing. Then I heard a voice from the coffee mug. He should start writing again, it said. I rubbed the mole on my forehead that gave me psychic powers and waited for a girl to telephone." -- Haruki Murakami
• "I thought writer's block was a residential zoning restriction for literary types." -- Lorrie Moore
  
• "Write about your memories of Vietnam." -- Tim O'Brien
  
• "No one knows who I am. I died in 1998 and I'm from Iceland." -- Haldor Laxness
• "If you were a big strong Indian, you could write! Nobody could stop you! Look how quickly I am typing!" -- Sherman Alexie
• "Renowned author Gabriel Garcia Marquez stumbled to his bookshelf wearily. He emptily had no more ideas to write about. It could not be! Disappointedly and regretfully, he sadly decided to stop writing. Suddenly, from out of nowhere, he was inspired again in an instant. He knew these words would be the most important words of his life." -- Dan Brown
  

barely legal

AN OPEN LETTER TO FORMER ENRON EXECUTIVES

Dear Kenneth Lay and Jeffrey Skilling,

I am writing this letter because I participated in my high school's Mock Trial team during my junior and senior year. Please do not let the fact that I was not good enough to make the squad sophomore year prevent you from listening to my advice. I have some strategies that I think might help you in your upcoming trial.

Although entrance music is popular among boxers and ultimate fighters, it is infrequently used at courtroom hearings. If possible, have your lawyers look into the logistics of this. For Mr. Lay, I would suggest the acoustic sex anthem "Laid" by the band James. For Mr. Skilling, I would propose "You Be Illin'" by Run-D.M.C. (see if you can overdub the lyrics to say "You Be Skilling" ... two members of the rap group are still alive and may be willing to do this for a fee).

When you are asked how you plead, remember that your choices are "Guilty" or "Not Guilty." Ka-ching! is not a proper answer, nor will it endear you to the jury.

Before your testimony, you will be asked to swear that you will tell the truth. Do not pretend that touching the Bible burns your flesh. If you must add levity to this moment, pretend you are an African-American preacher and ask if you can get "an Amen" after your oath. Do not do this if the jury contains African Americans.

Try to prevent prosecutors from referring to you as "Skilling and Lay" as it evokes the names of guilty co-defendents from history such as Sacco and Vanzetti (robbery/murder), Leopold and Loeb (kidnapping/murder), and Mario and Luigi (animal cruelty/arson).

No matter how tempting it is, do not mutter "Hubbard's Dianetics" under your breath every time a lawyer says "Enron."

Wear a suit and tie; the judge should be the only one in the courtroom dressed in a robe. Also, I cannot stress enough that it is completely inappropriate to stand up and yell "Booyah!" no matter how helpful the testimony of a witness may be.

Whenever a prosecution witness refers to a particularly complicated accounting scheme, shrug your shoulders as if confused and look at the jury like, "Do you guys get this? Because I sure don't."

The night before Andrew Fastow testifies against you, arrange for an accomplice to leave a dead rat on his doorstep to spook him. I did something similar to Whitman High School senior Alice Philbrick before the county semi-finals and she was too distracted to be effective during the mock trial competition. Except instead of a dead rat it was a photograph of her with the face scratched out. We used to date. Anyway, she transferred schools soon after.

The prosecution will object when your lawyers bring up Fastow's off-the-books entity Chewco because it is not referenced in your indictment. Arrange for the actor Peter Mayhew to be in the courtroom gallery and have him make the Chewbacca noise immediately after the objection. This will get a big laugh, and the judge might forget about the objection and allow the testimony to proceed.

It is widely known that a jury who has reached a guilty verdict will not make eye contact with the defendants when returning from deliberations. Therefore, if you force the jury to make eye contact with you at this moment, you will be acquitted. If they're not looking in your direction, do whatever it takes to get their attention. I've heard one of you does a funny impression of Christopher Walken farting -- this would be a good time to use it.

If you are found guilty, your lawyers will tell you to remain calm because they plan to file an appeal. This is something all lawyers say to prevent you from making a break for it, which would make them look bad. Don't fall for it. If you have a clear path to the exit, go for it. One of you is likely to get away clean. When you get outside the door, put on a fake moustache, point down the hall, and yell "Ee went that way" in a French accent to any guards who come after you.

Please contact me if you have any questions. I wish you the best of luck and will be watching on Court TV.

Yours,

Erik Tanouye

world enough and time

Associated Press, Man Solves Rubik's Cube in 11.13 Seconds, Jan. 16, 2006

A 20-year-old California Institute of Technology student set a new world's record for solving the popular Rubik's Cube puzzle, turning the tiled brain-twister from scrambled to solved in 11.13 seconds.

"Someone once asked Sir Edmund Hillary why he climbed Mt. Everest, and he answered 'Because it was there.'

"Ladies and gentlemen, my reasons for solving what you consider a small children's game are far greater. I wanted to solve this puzzle quickly because I believe the Rubik's Cube represents the problems of mankind, and a fast solution to this small rectangular puzzle may represent a solution to mankind's problems as well.

"The Rubik's Cube has six sides, and each represents a different threat to the future of human civilization.

"The green side represents the environment. There are nine green squares on this side, just as there are nine holes in the Ozone layer. We must bring these sides--

"Please, save your questions until I'm done.

"Where was I? Oh, yes. The yellow squares represent cowardice. We must have the courage to face our problems, if we have any hope of solving them. This is similar to how I had the courage to forego playing World of Warcraft for all of 2005 in order to improve my Rubik's speed. I don't know if you know, but World of Warcraft is a really cool MMORPG.

"Anyway, the blue side represents pacificity, or more specifically, peace. For too many centuries, warfare has plagued man and his attempts to better himself. We will not truly attain peace as a species until we peel the blue stickers off of our earth and reposition them onto one side of the cube and create a unified nation.

"That nation's flag shall be red and white like the colors of the remaining sides of the cube. And the design will be a dragon breathing fire and a valkyrie riding the dragon. A hot valkyrie. With a sword and hammer. Oh, and the dragon is playing an electric guitar. The red and white represent blood and wisdom. Well, obviously, the red is the blood and the white is the wisdom, right? Why would white be blood? No, blood, not blood cells. But I understand your confusion.

"What? Oh, orange. Yeah. The orange side represents ... I guess ... Oranges. Fruity oranges. The kind that prevent scurvy. Did FDR have scurvy? Because if he did, and that's why he was in a wheelchair, then more oranges would have allowed him to walk, to walk right up to Adolf Hitler and punch him in the face. Pop! Take that, Hitler."

comfortably numbers

The New York Times, Deficit Will Climb in 2006, White House Says, Jan. 12, 2006:

The White House acknowledged on Thursday that the budget deficit would climb back above $400 billion this year, erasing the brief improvement last year and complicating President Bush's vow to cut the deficit in half by 2009.

Joel Kaplan, the White House deputy budget director, predicted that the government's shortfall would climb to more than $400 billion in 2006 from $319 billion in 2005, largely because of relief efforts tied to Hurricane Katrina.

Joel Kaplan: Mr. President, I've been sent here to talk to you about the deficit.
President Bush: We're cutting that in half, right?
Kaplan: It doesn't look like we'll be able to do that this year.
Bush: Just cut it in half...
Kaplan: That was our plan, to cut--
Bush: ... right in half.
Kaplan: -- to cut the deficit, sir.
Bush: Well, then, we don't want to be liars, do we?
Kaplan: I'm not sure you understand.
Bush: I think it's you who doesn't understand. Imagine a pie.
Kaplan: (nods)
Bush: Now cut that pie in half.
Kaplan: (nods)
Bush: How much pie is left?
Kaplan: Half, sir.
Bush: So tell me what's wrong with that.

Kaplan looks through his notes.

Kaplan: I guess the pie is bigger than we thought it would be.
Bush: The pie's too big?
Kaplan: Yes, sir.
Bush: Heckuva pie we're talking about.
Kaplan: It is quite large, yes.
Bush: But we can still cut it in half. You can cut anything in half. You ever study fractions?
Kaplan: I went to Harvard, sir.
Bush: That's not what I asked.
Kaplan: Yes, I have studied fractions.
Bush: Then you know that anything can be cut in half. It's called dividing.
Kaplan: I thought you weren't a divider.

Kaplan laughs.

Bush: How's that?
Kaplan: It's a joke. "I'm a uniter, not a..."
Bush: Not a what?
Kaplan: Never mind, sir.
Bush: No, tell me.
Kaplan "I'm a uniter, not a divider." Remember, you said?
Bush: I remember.

They stare at each other.

Bush: I wasn't talking about math when I said that.
Kaplan: Hence the joke.
Bush: That how they teach you to make jokes at Harvard?
Kaplan: They didn't teach me how to make jokes at Harvard.
Bush: That's for sure. Heh. You walked right into that one. Anyway, let's cut that pie in half. The pie being the deficit.
Kaplan: The thing is, sir, that we have, I guess, too many ingredients to make half a pie.
Bush: So the pie's going to be too large, no matter how we cut it?
Kaplan: Correct. If we have to use the pie analogy.
Bush: We don't.

Kaplan looks at his notes again.

Kaplan: It's mostly because of Katrina.
Bush: That bitch.

Awkward silence. Bush laughs.

Bush: Get it?
Kaplan: You were pretending you thought Katrina was a woman.
Bush: I was making a Harvard-style joke. Like you thought "divider" was a math reference, I thought "Katrina" was some woman who caused the deficit.
Kaplan: That would be difficult for one person to do.
Bush: She'd have to eat a lot of pie.

They both laugh.

Bush: We're probably going to have to raise taxes.
Kaplan: Grover's not going to like that.
Bush: And we're not talking about "Sesame Street."

Kaplan pretends to laugh.

Bush: They can't all be winners.
Kaplan: No, it was funny.
Bush: Don't patronize.
Kaplan: It was kind of funny.
Bush: I cut the funny in half.
Kaplan: (laughing) Yes, sir.

They smile at each other. Bush gestures to Kaplan's notes.

Bush: So how big is the deficit going to be this year?
Kaplan: Over $400 billion.
Bush: There goes my third term.
Kaplan: Ha ha.
Bush: You're the only one who gets me.

the corrections

Associated Press, Oprah Dismisses Claims About Frey Memoir, Jan. 11, 2006:
Oprah Winfrey broke her silence about James Frey's disputed memoir of addiction, A Million Little Pieces, dismissing allegations of falsehoods as "much ado about nothing" and urging readers who have been inspired by the book to "Keep holding on."

When asked why the caged bird sings, Winfrey's friend Maya Angelou broke down in tears, admitting, "I don't know. I just really don't know."

the nuclear option

The New York Times, Iran, Defiant, Insists It Plans to Restart Nuclear Program, Jan. 10, 2006:
Defying its European partners and the United States, Iran plans to reopen its vast uranium enrichment complex to resume nuclear activities that it suspended 14 months ago, officials involved in negotiations with Iran said Monday.

This is good news if you are a uranium enrichment worker in Iran.

Or if you enjoy hearing Joan Baez sing "A Hard Rain's A-Gonna Fall" in concert.

The first group is larger.

there is only trouble and desire

Last year, The New Yorker began publishing a cartoon caption contest on its back page.

You can look at the drawings here.

Please note that "I'd sure like to get one of those" will make a suitable caption for every illustration.

For low brow results, you can also use the caption "I guess someone's going to get raped."