watchers

After remarking that Charles Dickens would have loved the Fox series "Prison Break," an editor here decided to find out what some other famous authors of yore might think of today's top television shows. Using a time machine, he brought the writers to the present day to view some current television (he originally planned to take a television back into history, but was worried about finding a place to plug it in).

Prison Break - reviewed by Charles Dickens
What's that sound? Alarum! There are tiny devils in that box! Move away! That electric horse is headed right for us!

Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip - reviewed by F. Scott Fitzgerald
Along the golden shores of the Pacific Ocean, the gods of industry perform their revels. Matt and Danny struggle against the tides of mediocrity and despair as they row towards the sun, always rising. But Amanda Peet! Now there is a woman! Brghhackghh. (At this point, Mr. Fitzgerald passed out in a pool of his own vomit.)

Kidnapped - reviewed by Robert Louis Stevenson
You've projected words onto the screen! What a strange book. Actors, you say? In that tiny box? I shan't believe it. Oh, look, a Negro gentleman. He is portraying a constable? Oh no! Get out of the way, good man, that electric carriage is headed right for us! We shall be trampled underfoot!

America's Next Top Model - reviewed by Ernest Hemingway
Those women are small. Some of them could be broken easily.

Vanished - reviewed by Edgar Allan Poe
Dreadful! fright to be trapped-- In a tiny box like those men! Dare we let them out? Do you hold The Key? Do I? Now what is this? A commercial, you say? I don't understand. Look out! That giant tampon is headed straight for us! We shall be ruined! Duck, soul, and be unbattered! That blue liquid shall drown us all! Womenly ways be damned! The mammoth tampon approaches!!!

read it like disaster

In response to whelming reader demand, here is the inaugural entry of Write It Like Disaster's new weekend book section.

The Power and The Glory and The Fire-Breathing Dragons

Reviewed in this article:
The End of the Affair by Graham Greene
A Clash of Kings: Book Two of 'A Song of Ice and Fire' by George R. R. Martin

PRIMARY VILLAIN:
in A Clash of Kings: Cersei Lannister, a beautiful but cruel temptress, once married to King Robert Stark, she secretly bedded her brother Jaime ("Kingslayer") Lannister, thereby insuring that the heirs to the throne were not Robb’s seed but the result of incestuous meddling.
in The End of the Affair: God
---Advantage: The End of the Affair

CHARACTER MARKED BY DEFORMITY, INTELLIGENCE
in A Clash of Kings: Tyrion Lannister, a misshapen dwarf who uses cunning to become the Hand of the King and helps his nephew govern the city of King’s Landing before he being betrayed in the field of battle by his sister’s henchman
in The End of the Affair: Richard Smythe, whose face marked by a large strawberry colored stain, is a man of science and logic who preaches pure rationalism to Sarah (at the end of the book, God removes the birthmark miraculously)
---Advantage: A Clash of Kings

BACKDROP OF VIOLENCE
in A Clash of Kings: In the aftermath of Robert Baratheon’s death during a hunting accident, the kingdom is divided into chaos when four men take up the crown: good-hearted young Robb Stark, iron-willed Stannis Baratheon, beloved weakling Renly Baratheon, and evil-minded Joffrey Stark. Meanwhile, wildlings from the North Country prepare to descend upon the south with their anarchic craven ways, while Daenerys Targaryen, living in exile, nurses three young dragons at her breast (honestly) as she plots to retake the kingdom by reign of fire
in The End of the Affair: World War II
---Advantage: A Clash of Kings

EPISODES OF ADULTERY
in A Clash of Kings: Cersei Lannister cuckolds her husband the king by bedding her own brother, Jaime Lannister; later, when he is held prisoner, she beds a cousin who resembles him Jaime
in The End of the Affair: Sarah cheats on her husband with Maurice Bendrix, among many, many others
---Advantage: A Clash of Kings

PLOT ELEMENTS PERTAINING TO SEXUAL DYSFUNCTION:
in A Clash of Kings: Varies, the eunuch, provides counsel informed by his network of spies; he lost his manhood to traveling sorcerers in childhood and is impervious to the sensual temptation that ruins other men of his rank
in The End of the Affair: Henry has never brought his wife to orgasm via lovemaking
---Advantage: A Clash of Kings

SHADOWY ASSASSIN CRAWLING FORTH FROM THE WOMB OF A RED SORCERESS
in A Clash of Kings: Kills treacherously at Storm’s Landing
in The End of the Affair: None
---Advantage: A Clash of Kings

DEATH DUE TO THE COLD
in A Clash of Kings: Ice-frosted Others savage the vast armies of the Night’s Watch sworn to keep out the Wildlings of the North
in The End of the Affair: Sarah catches a pneumonia walking without her jacket
---Advantage: A Clash of Kings

IMPORTANT SCENE INVOLVING A CHARACTER ON THEIR BACK ON A HARD FLOOR
in A Clash of Kings: Eight-year-old Bran Stark is pushed out a window by Jaime Lannister upon witnessing the incestuous relationship between Jaime and Cersei. After landing on the stone surface below, Bran loses the use of his legs and cannot remember what he saw
in The End of the Affair: Sarah experiences her first orgasm when Bendrix fucks her on the floor of Henry’s flat while her husband is bedridden one flight above them
---Advantage: The End of the Affair

RELIGIOUS CONVERSION
in A Clash of Kings: Stannis Baratheon, unable to gather as many soldiers to his banner as his popular younger brother Renly, rejects the old gods in favor of the Lord of Light and a Rasputin-esque Red Sorceress who harnesses his power to kill Stannis’ enemies
in The End of the Affair: Sarah becomes Catholic, dies soon after
---Advantage: Tie

Final Score:
A Clash of Kings 7
The End of the Affair 3

labor pains

To: W. Axl Rose
From: The Estate of Upton Sinclair

Dear Mr. Rose,

Thank you for your recent interest in the works of Upton Sinclair. Unfortunately, at this time we are unable to authorize your proposed broadway musical "Welcome to the Jungle" based on his most famous book, The Jungle. As you can guess, we receive many licensing requests for his works, and cannot grant permission for all of them. Please do not take this as a rejection of your band's musical style. If anything, Mr. Sinclair would have been excited by your guitarist's decision to call attention to unsavory practices in the meat industry by wearing a Kentucky Fried Chicken bucket on his head.

As part of our mission to protect the intellectual property of Upton Sinclair, we feel it is important not to flood the market with too many works. Between P.T. Anderson's upcoming film adaptation of Oil! and the Kool & The Gang/Twyla Tharp meat industry musical "Jungle Boogie," we do not feel it would be prudent to release another Sinclair work at this time.

If you are still interested in the project in a few years, perhaps we can revisit the idea. In the meantime, we would like to congratulate you on having contacted the correct estate. Last month we fielded an inquiry from the band Aerosmith, which had us mistaken for the estate of Sinclair Lewis.

Best wishes,

Upton Sinclair III