watcherless

Least Downloaded YouTube Videos

Countdown Folly
Unaware that a camera is recording the moments before his show begins, Keith Olberman discusses some things he likes about George W. Bush.

Trampofun
A boy jumps pretty high on his backyard trampoline a few times, then gets bored and safely climbs off it.

Star Wars w/ Kid
Often found mistakenly by people looking for that kid pretending to have a lightsaber in his garage, this is an actual MPG file of Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace. Nobody downloads it, since it is awful.

Exploding Whale
Not the popular clip of the whale that was exploded on the Oregon coast in 1970. This is footage a man describing that clip.

Budd Dwyer Press Conference (Edited)
Famous news footage of the dramatic press conference at which Budd Dwyer took his own life, this version ends before he produces the gun and omits the rest of the event.

New Camera Dude
Thirty seconds of a black square posted by a middle-aged man who apparently forgot to take the lens cap off. Occasionally downloaded by Stan Brakhage fans.

The Shining trailer
Misunderstanding his class assignment, a film editing student cut this two-minute trailer for The Shining which presents it as if it were a creepy horror film based on a Stephen King novel.

the end is n.i.e.

A recent National Intelligence Estimate , suggesting that the war in Iraq has made America less safe, was partially declassified by the President on Tuesday. Also, there is a second, more secretive and more apocalyptic National Intelligence Estimate acknowledged by Rep. Jane Harman which focuses on the ground situation in Iraq.

That's not all:

National Intelligence Estimate #3 - Focusing on the United Kingdom and its fragile political system. Expect polite sectarian violence badly teethed anarchy after Tony Blair steps down next year.

National Intelligence Estimate IV - Spain has become overwhelmed by Spaniards. Bullfighting and Almodovar films could spread across the European continent.

National Intelligence Estimate No. 5 - This is the real report on Iraq. Those other two reports? White-washed, candied, and dolled up like a young girl in her finery on Christmas morning. Read this report and discover that the young girl is actually the victim of a grizzly murder, and we're still finding dismembered parts of her body under the tree.

Sixth National Intelligence Estimate - Examines next year's projected sales at Hewlett-Packard.

National Intelligence Estimate (7) - Atlantis: not only does it exist, but it's moments away from becoming a failed state. Mer-Sunnis and Mer-Shiites are constantly fighting, while Mer-Kurds swim around in the North.

N.I.E.E1GHT - A robotic National Intelligence Estimate that came to life after being struck by lightning, it befriends a small young boy and protects him from bullies at school and helps him get over the loss of his recently deceased mother. Also, it discusses Afghanistan.

watchers

After remarking that Charles Dickens would have loved the Fox series "Prison Break," an editor here decided to find out what some other famous authors of yore might think of today's top television shows. Using a time machine, he brought the writers to the present day to view some current television (he originally planned to take a television back into history, but was worried about finding a place to plug it in).

Prison Break - reviewed by Charles Dickens
What's that sound? Alarum! There are tiny devils in that box! Move away! That electric horse is headed right for us!

Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip - reviewed by F. Scott Fitzgerald
Along the golden shores of the Pacific Ocean, the gods of industry perform their revels. Matt and Danny struggle against the tides of mediocrity and despair as they row towards the sun, always rising. But Amanda Peet! Now there is a woman! Brghhackghh. (At this point, Mr. Fitzgerald passed out in a pool of his own vomit.)

Kidnapped - reviewed by Robert Louis Stevenson
You've projected words onto the screen! What a strange book. Actors, you say? In that tiny box? I shan't believe it. Oh, look, a Negro gentleman. He is portraying a constable? Oh no! Get out of the way, good man, that electric carriage is headed right for us! We shall be trampled underfoot!

America's Next Top Model - reviewed by Ernest Hemingway
Those women are small. Some of them could be broken easily.

Vanished - reviewed by Edgar Allan Poe
Dreadful! fright to be trapped-- In a tiny box like those men! Dare we let them out? Do you hold The Key? Do I? Now what is this? A commercial, you say? I don't understand. Look out! That giant tampon is headed straight for us! We shall be ruined! Duck, soul, and be unbattered! That blue liquid shall drown us all! Womenly ways be damned! The mammoth tampon approaches!!!

read it like disaster

In response to whelming reader demand, here is the inaugural entry of Write It Like Disaster's new weekend book section.

The Power and The Glory and The Fire-Breathing Dragons

Reviewed in this article:
The End of the Affair by Graham Greene
A Clash of Kings: Book Two of 'A Song of Ice and Fire' by George R. R. Martin

PRIMARY VILLAIN:
in A Clash of Kings: Cersei Lannister, a beautiful but cruel temptress, once married to King Robert Stark, she secretly bedded her brother Jaime ("Kingslayer") Lannister, thereby insuring that the heirs to the throne were not Robb’s seed but the result of incestuous meddling.
in The End of the Affair: God
---Advantage: The End of the Affair

CHARACTER MARKED BY DEFORMITY, INTELLIGENCE
in A Clash of Kings: Tyrion Lannister, a misshapen dwarf who uses cunning to become the Hand of the King and helps his nephew govern the city of King’s Landing before he being betrayed in the field of battle by his sister’s henchman
in The End of the Affair: Richard Smythe, whose face marked by a large strawberry colored stain, is a man of science and logic who preaches pure rationalism to Sarah (at the end of the book, God removes the birthmark miraculously)
---Advantage: A Clash of Kings

BACKDROP OF VIOLENCE
in A Clash of Kings: In the aftermath of Robert Baratheon’s death during a hunting accident, the kingdom is divided into chaos when four men take up the crown: good-hearted young Robb Stark, iron-willed Stannis Baratheon, beloved weakling Renly Baratheon, and evil-minded Joffrey Stark. Meanwhile, wildlings from the North Country prepare to descend upon the south with their anarchic craven ways, while Daenerys Targaryen, living in exile, nurses three young dragons at her breast (honestly) as she plots to retake the kingdom by reign of fire
in The End of the Affair: World War II
---Advantage: A Clash of Kings

EPISODES OF ADULTERY
in A Clash of Kings: Cersei Lannister cuckolds her husband the king by bedding her own brother, Jaime Lannister; later, when he is held prisoner, she beds a cousin who resembles him Jaime
in The End of the Affair: Sarah cheats on her husband with Maurice Bendrix, among many, many others
---Advantage: A Clash of Kings

PLOT ELEMENTS PERTAINING TO SEXUAL DYSFUNCTION:
in A Clash of Kings: Varies, the eunuch, provides counsel informed by his network of spies; he lost his manhood to traveling sorcerers in childhood and is impervious to the sensual temptation that ruins other men of his rank
in The End of the Affair: Henry has never brought his wife to orgasm via lovemaking
---Advantage: A Clash of Kings

SHADOWY ASSASSIN CRAWLING FORTH FROM THE WOMB OF A RED SORCERESS
in A Clash of Kings: Kills treacherously at Storm’s Landing
in The End of the Affair: None
---Advantage: A Clash of Kings

DEATH DUE TO THE COLD
in A Clash of Kings: Ice-frosted Others savage the vast armies of the Night’s Watch sworn to keep out the Wildlings of the North
in The End of the Affair: Sarah catches a pneumonia walking without her jacket
---Advantage: A Clash of Kings

IMPORTANT SCENE INVOLVING A CHARACTER ON THEIR BACK ON A HARD FLOOR
in A Clash of Kings: Eight-year-old Bran Stark is pushed out a window by Jaime Lannister upon witnessing the incestuous relationship between Jaime and Cersei. After landing on the stone surface below, Bran loses the use of his legs and cannot remember what he saw
in The End of the Affair: Sarah experiences her first orgasm when Bendrix fucks her on the floor of Henry’s flat while her husband is bedridden one flight above them
---Advantage: The End of the Affair

RELIGIOUS CONVERSION
in A Clash of Kings: Stannis Baratheon, unable to gather as many soldiers to his banner as his popular younger brother Renly, rejects the old gods in favor of the Lord of Light and a Rasputin-esque Red Sorceress who harnesses his power to kill Stannis’ enemies
in The End of the Affair: Sarah becomes Catholic, dies soon after
---Advantage: Tie

Final Score:
A Clash of Kings 7
The End of the Affair 3

all that heaven allows

from the desk of...
Lucifer, Dark Prince of the Underworld:
An Open Letter To Hugo Chavez

Dear Hugo,

I am writing to correct some remarks you made earlier this week suggesting that I had appeared at the United Nations on Tuesday. That was not me. I have been pretty busy this week and did not have time to address world leaders.

Here's what I've been up to lately:

• Drinking the blood of babies with Sen. George Allen
• Getting Justin Timberlake to bring sexy back, to help me spread STDs to the promiscuous, who deserve them
• Working out a deal between the President and reluctant Republicans to keep torture legal
• Posting messages to celebrity magazine message boards
• Posing as the pope to issue an apology that implies fallibility

For future reference, I rarely take on the human form of George W. Bush: it seems that people don't take me seriously when I do. Instead, I've found the guise of Dick Cheney serves me better, so I spend about 75% of my time masquerading as him. (I also take on the form of his daughter when I wish to destroy the sanctity of marriage.)

Eternally evil,

Lucifer

all the sad young men

The Washington Post, September 20, 2006:
'06 CUTS IN IRAQ TROOPS UNLIKELY
The U.S. military is unlikely to reduce forces in Iraq before next spring because the current contingent of more than 140,000 troops is battling sectarian violence that could prove "fatal" to the country if not arrested, the top American commander for the Middle East said yesterday.

Not long after being informed that their tour of duty had been extended through 2007, the marines of the II Marine Expeditionary Force received a care package of letters from elementary school students in America. The marines' commanding officer deemed their responses, understandably tinted by the news they had been given, too harsh to send to the children. They are printed here for the first time.

Dear Sir,

I drew you a picture of my house and my family and dog Timbers. Thank you for serving our country.

Timmy (Last Name Withheld)
Van Nuys, CA

Dear Timmy,

Thanks a lot for your drawing. I'd much rather have a crappy drawing of your house than something useful like body armor or girlie mags. Maybe I can use the drawing instead of toilet paper to wipe the sand out of my ass. Sand gets in everything here. By the way, I noticed that your drawing of the house includes only one wall. I'm not sure if that means you're too poor to buy a real house, or just that you're retarded, Timmy. I'm going to say you're retarded so that if people ask me what we're fighting for here, I can stand proudly and say "We're fighting for all of America, to keep it safe for our retarded children, like imbecile Timmy (Last Name Withheld), who doesn't even know how many f***ing walls a house has and thinks it's fine to color his dog purple, that's who we're fighting for."

Lance Corporal Ryan (Last Name Withheld)

---

Dear Sir or Madam,

Thank you for going to Iraq. I hope you stay safe. Do you like candy?

Emily (Last Name Withheld)
Shepherdstown, WV

Dear Emily,

Yes I like candy. I hope you didn't strain yourself writing a whole three sentences to me. I'd hate for you to injure yourself on my behalf while I am taking bullets for you.

Private William (Last Name Withheld)

---

Dear Marine,

Did you find WMDs yet?

Darren (Last Name Withheld)
Houston, TX

Dear Darren,

I don't know what grade you're in. Apparently you're old enough to write (poorly) but not old enough to read. Otherwise you could have checked a newspaper and seen that WMDs are no longer the reason we came here in the first place.

Sgt. Frank (Last Name Withheld)
---

Dear Soldier,

I live in Sandleburg, Ohio. I am glad that you are protecting us from terrorists by going to Iraq. I just saw a funny movie "The Ant Bully." Have you seen it? What is your favorite movie? Why did you join the army?

Sherwood (Last Name Withheld)
Sandleburg, OH

Dear Sherwood,

First of all, I'm a member of the United States Marine Corps - that makes me a marine, not a soldier. Get your facts straight. Second, I have not seen "The Ant Bully." Here's what I have seen: my only friend here lose a leg to an IED planted under a boy's bicycle; women cheering us one moment, shooting at us the next; piles of bodies with their throats slit so their enemies could save on bullets. Have you ever seen any of those things, Sherwood? I doubt it. If you did, you'd probably shit your schoolboy pants and everyone would call you "Sherwood Shitsalot" for the rest of your miserable life. How would you like that? I just wanted money for college.

Master Gunnery Sergeant Sean (Last Name Withheld)

all in the game

The New York Times, September 18, 2006:
DEEPER SPYING IS SEAN IN HEWLETT REVIEW
A secret investigation of news leaks at Hewlett-Packard was more elaborate than previously reported, and almost from the start involved the illicit gathering of private phone records and direct surveillance of board members and journalists, according to people briefed on the company’s review of the operation.

Find out more about the intriguing world of corporate espionage in these classic books:

The Bourne Annual Report
by Robert Ludlum
Government-trained killer Jason Bourne finds himself on the board of a Fortune 500 company in his latest adventure. But how did he get there? And who can he trust? The sexy CFO claims the company is in the black, but his instincts tell him otherwise.

The Guy Who Came In With a Cold
by John LeCarre
Martin Drakestone had never missed a day of work when he went out one brisk autumn day without his parka. Now that he is under the weather, George Smiley hatches a daring plan to send a temporary employee in Drakestone's place and uncover pension plan malfeasance.

The Sum of All Yearly Earnings
by Tom Clancy
After serving as President of the United States, Jack Ryan retires to a life of speeches and honorary board memberships only to discover that an auto-parts firm he helps govern has written off profits for the next fiscal year as losses in the current one. The company's accountant is a Russian.

The Spy Who Audited Me
by Ian Fleming
James Bond's tax filings seem suspicious, especially to the Queen's new tax collector, Peniskiller Testescrusher. Also, 006's 401k matures.

The American Who Was Quiet But Not Quiet Enough To Avoid Being Picked Up By Surreptitious Listening Devices In The Boardroom
by Graham Greene
Catholic guilt motivates James Compass to record the price-fixing activities of his employer, grain conglomerate Archer Daniels Midland.

all of the names

File under: science

Researchers have lately noticed an increase in the length of television show titles. Scientists note that so-called "Golden Ages" of television tend to include a higher ratio of words-per-title (WPT) to length of show than non-Golden Eras. Recent network series that have increased the current average include "The New Adventures of Old Christine," "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip," and "The Secret Diary of Desmond Pfeiffer."

More conservative television theorists, however, argue that the most effective short titles have already been used up by earlier TV shows, forcing modern-day producers to add extra words for the sake of copyright law. Some examples of single-word titles from the past include "Gunsmoke," "Rhoda," and "Family" (starring Meredith Baxter-Birney and also referred to as "All In The Family"). The only words in the English language which have not yet been used for TV show titles are unlikely to ever do so: "Boobs," "Knuckle," or "Candelabra" to name a few. Likewise, short but non-existent words are unlikely to be used: "Gmindt," "Vuyzer," "Klimpq" etc. (For exceptions to this, see "Alf," "Kolchak," "Seinfeld.")

At this current rate of expansion, however, television titles will soon be too long to fit even on HD screens, despite their elongated aspect ratio. Respected scientists all agree on this matter. The only question is how long it will take for television series titles to outgrow their screens. Even under the most optimistic forecasts, however, immediate action is required.

You can start at home by reducing the number of words and letters in titles of your TV shows, or the names of shows you discuss with your friends and family. "Did you see ''Napped' last night?" you might ask, referring to "Kidnapped." Or: "'Lo!' I really enjoy the serial drama and island intrigue!" when talking about "Lost."

Some of the more pioneering executive producers have begun recycling titles in an effort to conserve words for future generations of creative artists. "Las Vega$," "Battlestar Galactica," and "News" are just some of the titles that are helping stem the tide of title pollution.

You can do even more by turning off your television set when you are not watching. The deactivated television, known as an "off set" can be a valuable balance against titular waste. You can find out more about offsets here.

all are punished

Because "outrages upon personal dignity" and "humiliating and degrading treatment" have been deemed too vague by the President, the following is a primer on types of torture that are illegal under Common Article 3 of The Geneva Conventions.

• Forcing men to strip; in the case of muscular bodybuilders, forcing them to cover their awesome physiques.
• Using a waterboard to simulate drowning, especially within one hour of a prisoner's most recent meal.
• Applying electric shocks, or for victims of cardiac arrest, not applying electric shocks.
• Ballroom dance lessons.
• Desecrating holy religious texts such as, but not limited to: The Koran, The Bible, The Book of Mormon, Dianetics, Man and Superman, The Purpose-Driven Life, The Bhagavad-Gita, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintainance, Not Me: A Family Circus Collection, The Fake Book, Gilgamesh, Edith Hamilton's Mythology.
• Special rooms for sensory deprivation, scented oils, and/or New Age music
• Forcing prisoners to watch "this totally funny video" you found on YouTube; whipping them if they tell you they've arleady seen it.
• Scaring detainees with fierce German shepard dogs, suggesting their allergies will flare up due to the dog's dander.
• Reading aloud random phrases you see on billboards in a variety of 'character' voices that don't even have the discipline to be fake accents.

bringing back the draft

Write It Like Disaster has obtained this early draft of Colin Powell's letter to John McCain:

Dear Senator McCain,

I just flew into town and boy are my arms tired. (pun with 'arms' as weapons?) I just returned to town like an unwatched Netflix DVD and learned about the brewhaha sp? debate taking place in Congress to redefine Common Article 3 of the Geneva Convention. My favorite convention. I do not support such a stair step and believe it would be wack inconsistent with the McCain amendment on torture which I supported last year. Are you related to that amendment? You have the same last name.

I have read the bitching powerful and eloquent letter sent to you by one of (is 'of' too strong? mabybe remove from final draft) my 'joint homies' (sounds like drug reference) distinguished predecessors as Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, General Jack "Don't Mess with Vess" Vessey. I fully endorse in tone and tint his powerful argument. (does this make me sound gay?) The world is beginning to doubt the moral basis of our fight against terrorism. To redefine Common Article 3 would add to those doubts. Furthermore, it would put our own troops in Jeopardy! (too cute) at risk. (Maybe work in names of other board games .... battleship, sorry, monopoly, yahtzee?)

I am as familiar with The Armed Forces Officer as is Jack Vessey. It was written after all the horrors of the Saving Private Ryan War World War II and General George C. Marshall, then Secretary of Defense, used it to tell the world and to remind our soldiers of our moral obligations with respect to those in our custody. LOL

Love,

Sincerely,

Colin Powell

nationals

The Washington Post, Sept. 14, 2006:
NOVAK ACCUSES PLAME SOURCE OF DISTORTION
Columnist Robert D. Novak, who first revealed Valerie Plame's employment by the CIA and touched off a lengthy federal leak investigation, is accusing his primary source of misrepresenting their conversation to make the source's role in the disclosure seem more casual than it was.

Douchebag Robert Novak has leaked this transcript based on his memory of the phone call.

Armitage: ... but I didn't see the game last night. I'm excited that D.C. has baseball once more.

Novak: It's wonderful to see Frank Robinson on the field again.

Armitage: You know, when you said "field again," it sounded like "field agent," which is Valerie Plame's position at the CIA.

Novak: Um. Frank Robinson is great.

Armitage: Of course, our football team is another story.

Novak: I lost interest in the Redskins when Joe Gibbs left.

Armitage: They don't make coaches like that anymore.

Novak: No.

Armitage: In a similar vein, another thing that they don't make like that anymore is CIA agents like Valerie Plame.

Novak: Gibbs is doing the NASCAR thing now.

Armitage: How about this weather? It's going to be a hot summer.

Novak: I don't mind -- my house has central air.

Armitage: Hey, let's name as many things as we can that begin with the word "central", like Central Intelligence Agency, which is Valerie Plame's employer.

Novak: I have to go write a column.

Armitage: I don't want to keep you from your work.

Novak: Good bye.

Armitage: Good spy.

Novak: Talk to you later.

Armitage: Did you hear me say 'good spy'?

(Novak hangs up.)

Armitage: What a douchebag.

the day the clown cried

Celebrity Joke By Writer Who Recently Subscribed to The New York Times

Britney Spears gave birth to a boy yesterday. It is the second child for Spears and Kevin Federline, the dancer turned singer who is probably unaware that at least 60 bodies were discovered in Iraq today as 18 more people were killed and his new rap album sucks.

don't look back

Five Years Later: Recollections

"I still remember where I was on September 11, 2001 when I first heard it. I knew the world was never going to be the same. So much sadness and loss. But it wasn't as depressing as "Time Out of Mind." ... We are talking about Bob Dylan's album 'Love and Theft' right?"

--reader, Toledo, OH

economist of words

Recently fired by The Village Voice, self-proclaimed "Dean of American Rock Critics" Robert Christgau has agreed to write a series of capsule reviews of current events for Write It Like Disaster. (These would have been published Friday, but our editors spent three days trying to decipher them. They were unsuccessful.)

Tony Blair - The once-young hearthrob of Labour will come down from office, but did he jump or was he pushed? The kids want to rock and they want a timetable, but we foresee tears before bedtime when it’s not close to midnight and his Texan friend gets to stay up all night. B+

September 11th - Five years on, the media devours its own tail and tales, the Ghost of Walt Disney weeps at propaganda wars while architects dream impossible and widows fill up next year’s remainder bins with their memoirs. Is this all we’ve got to show? Five-year old children with this little progress are called devlopmentally disabled. C

Sudan - States fail. Darfur threatens to be the next Rwanda; the African Union helps it live up to its potential. Bonus points if you know which are the Islamists: the government, the Janjaweed, or the rebels. B-

Richard Armitage /Valerie Plame- You can’t plug a leak three years after the fact. *

Mexico - Fox keeps leadership in the den as our Southern neighbor’s electoral tribunal finally delivers the result its fans always said it was capable of, but don’t count Lopez Obrador out: he thinks the population will say no mas on his behalf. D

Ellen Degeneres Hosts the Oscars - Fumbling through talk-show hosts like Richard Nixon’s special prosecutors, the Academy Awards land on a rep who will make housewives and Mill on the Floss fans cheer, but don’t expect Brokeback boycotters til the cows come home. B+

cave dwellings, pt. 2

An Addendum From Yesterday's Guest Critic:

death to america!

i have just watched
'the view'

my friends

all i can say is
my jihad
is back in effect

rosie first
then all the rest of you

-obl

cave dwellings

Kate Couric's CBS Evening News Debut
Reviewed by Guest Critic Osama Bin Ladin

Where should I begin?

Already, my regular readers will know something is amiss ... why have I abandoned my standard opening line, "Death to America"?

It has served me well in the past, but I no longer believe it the way I once did. The change in my heart is attributable to a television program I witnessed last night, and the strong dose of life-affirming adorability it injected into my heart.

I could rattle off details: the beautiful white suit jacket, the button-nose, the perky smile... but then I would probably never stop. Let's just say that Katie Couric was a triumph. When you throw in those pictures of Suri Cruise, well, then I'm completely sold: on the newscast, on CBS's anchor choice, and on the USA as a whole. I officially declare my jihad against America and capitalism to be over. I could never stay angry at a country responsible for such a beautiful and inspiring TV presence.

Sorry about everything I did five years ago. I have never not an early riser, so I had not seen Ms. Couric in her previous job on "The Today Show." If I had, I would most likely not have ordered the September 11 attacks. Oh well. You know what they say about hindsight being 20/20 and everything. And speaking of 20/20, I can't wait to finally see Barbara Walters' show "The View" now that I've ended my boycott of all things American.

My review: A+

labor pains

To: W. Axl Rose
From: The Estate of Upton Sinclair

Dear Mr. Rose,

Thank you for your recent interest in the works of Upton Sinclair. Unfortunately, at this time we are unable to authorize your proposed broadway musical "Welcome to the Jungle" based on his most famous book, The Jungle. As you can guess, we receive many licensing requests for his works, and cannot grant permission for all of them. Please do not take this as a rejection of your band's musical style. If anything, Mr. Sinclair would have been excited by your guitarist's decision to call attention to unsavory practices in the meat industry by wearing a Kentucky Fried Chicken bucket on his head.

As part of our mission to protect the intellectual property of Upton Sinclair, we feel it is important not to flood the market with too many works. Between P.T. Anderson's upcoming film adaptation of Oil! and the Kool & The Gang/Twyla Tharp meat industry musical "Jungle Boogie," we do not feel it would be prudent to release another Sinclair work at this time.

If you are still interested in the project in a few years, perhaps we can revisit the idea. In the meantime, we would like to congratulate you on having contacted the correct estate. Last month we fielded an inquiry from the band Aerosmith, which had us mistaken for the estate of Sinclair Lewis.

Best wishes,

Upton Sinclair III

the wormhold variation

(Editor's Note: Today's entry is for a parallel dimension where the President, speaking of possible military actions at a press conference, said, "I don't want to get into specifics, but if our name rhymes with Biran, and you're building a nuclear weapon in violation of UN agreements, you'd better think twice.")

Who Was He Talking About? A possible list follows:

Kyan - The hair-styling host of television's "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy," Kyan Douglas, is not known to be working on a nuclear weapon.

Thai Fan - Many people enjoy Thai food, especially the delicious curries and Pad Thai. If a group of such people got together for dinner on a regular basis and hatched a plan to enrich uranium, the President could have been referring to them.

Shy Fran - Noted humorist of the 1970s Fran Lebowitz doesn't like talking to people she has not met. The I.A.E.A. does not currently have her on a watchdog list of rogue nuclear technology seekers.

My Crayon - I am currently holding a Crayola red crayon. As an inanimate object, it does not have the capability to produce nuclear weapons.

Eye Hand - A type of coordination that is lacking in clumsy people, it is more of an abstract concept than a country with the ability to develop WMDs.

Thigh Van - Sadly, this mode of transportation does not yet exist. If you work in the automotive industry, give me a call and we'll try to get it off the ground.

Tai-Pan - A novel by author James Clavell, this adventurous story about early Hong Kong is unable to build weaponry, either in its paperback or hard-cover format.