going for the gold

The New York Times, May 31, 2006:
INVESTIGATOR AND ANTI-DOPING GROUP CLASH ON ARMSTRONG TESTS
Lance Armstrong won a small victory today in clearing his name of doping allegations connected with the 1999 Tour de France, the first of his record seven wins in the race. A Dutch lawyer hired by the International Cycling Union issued a report that said drug tests conducted on urine samples from the 1999 Tour de France were mishandled and, in turn, the test results could not be linked with Armstrong or any other athlete.

ICU GUIDELINES FOR PROPER HANDLING OF URINE SAMPLES:

• Always wear rubber gloves while handling urine.
• Do not place urine samples on counter near small cups of apple juice.
• If you need to urinate while conducting tests, always go to the lavatory. Do not, under any circumstances, use the cyclists' urine samples as a receptacle for your own urine.
• To clarify the "glove" rule above -- you should wear some protective garment on your hands, and gloves are recommended over mittens, because they allow greater dexterity.
• Do not place a crucifix or any other religious artifact into the urine sample. If, by accident, a crucifix falls into a urine sample, the sample should be marked as contaminated and must be disposed of properly. Do not photograph the sample in order to sell the negatives to Andres Serrano collectors.
• If you have deformed fingers, you are allowed to wear rubber mittens. If anyone asks, tell them you have deformed fingers, but do not specify what sort of deformity.
• Do not wear clothing that is white with yellow flowers, because if you accidentally spill a urine sample, you may not notice immediately.
• Do not stir the urine samples with the same spoon you used to mix the human-growth-hormone cocktail for your daughter who is being treated for Turner's Syndrome.
• Samples are to be tested blindly to preserve anonymity -- do not wrap a "Live Strong" bracelet around Mr. Armstrong's urine sample to identify it.
• Do not make a musical instrument by pouring the urine samples into various pieces of crystal stemware and rubbing your fingertip around the rims of the different glasses to create diferent pitches.
• Whether you are wearing rubber gloves or rubber mittens, do not put them over your head and inflate them by breathing out your nose like Howie Mandel used to do before he started wearing the gloves on his hands as a result of his OCD.
• When in doubt, it is best not to emulate any of Mr. Mandel's behavior when you are in a labratory setting.

the break-up of the species

The Economist, May 20, 2006:
EVOLUTION: Humans could have interbred with chimpanzees
... a study published this week by scientists in America ... concludes that humans and chimpanzees interbred after the two species first separated, before eventually going their different ways some 5.4m years ago. Humans are thus much more recently related to their closest relatives than was previously thought.

Excuses for Breaking Up With Members of Another Species:

• "There are literally other fish in the sea."
• "Things are moving too fast. I'm just not ready for a short-beaked finch at this point in my life."
• "I've evolved into someone else."
• "I'm sorry, but I just don't love you anymore. Especially when you throw poop at me."
• "I hope we can still be friends."
• "I'm going to be away at college, and you're a rhesus monkey."
• "Dear John, This is the hardest letter I've ever had to write. Especially because I don't have thumbs. Holding the pencil is almost impossible. I don't think we should see each other anymore."
• "It's not your kingdom, phylum, class, order and genus; it's my kingdom, phylum, class, order and genus."
• "I'm gay. And not a walrus."
• "You're a Gazella thomsonii, and I'm a Gazella subgutturosa." (applies only to gazelles)

they might be brazen giants

The Washington Post, May 15, 2006:
BUSH SET TO SEND GUARD TO BORDER
President Bush tried to ease the worries of his Mexican counterpart yesterday as he prepared for a nationally televised address tonight unveiling a plan to send thousands of National Guard troops to help seal the nation's southern border against illegal immigrants.

Coyotes -- illegal smugglers who offer to transport aliens for a fee -- suggest that there will still be ways to get their clients across the border.

1. Dig an underground tunnel from Mexico to Canada, then walk into U.S.A. by crossing less stringently guarded northern border.
2. Using an Acme Fish Suit, dress up like a large sea bass and swim into the ocean. Be caught on the hook of an American fisher, and allow him to take you into his home. Just before you are gutted and cooked, remove the costume and run away.
3. Begin training as a pole vaulter. Become very good at it, to the point where you can jump over the highest walls using only a long stick to assist you. Then join the Mexican Olympic team and travel to the 2008 Olympics in Beijing. After winning a gold medal, hide yourself in the suitcase of an American athlete.
4. Reverse the signs at the border so it looks like Mexico is the U.S. and the U.S. is Mexico. As thousands of Americans flee towards Mexico in the confusion, you can slip into the U.S. -- nobody will stop you because they'll think you're sneaking into Mexico.
5. Fit yourself into a gasoline cannister. Attach a price tag that says "$1.89 a gallon." Leave yourself in a visible spot near the border. Soon an American will smuggle you into the country and pour you into his SUV. In between when he puts you in the car and when he turns the ignition, climb out the gas valve.

letter at 1600

Associated Press, May 9, 2006:
RICE: IRAN LETTER DOESN'T RESOLVE STANDOFF
Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice dismissed a letter that Iran's president sent to President Bush on Monday, saying the first direct communication from an Iranian leader in 27 years does not help resolve the standoff over Tehran's disputed nuclear program.

This is not the first time the United States has received a letter from another country's leader.

Dear "President" Washington, I wish to "make apologies" for the "War" of "Independence" that recently got out of hand. I hope we can put this whole mess behind us and become friendly nations again. You were right about the tea tax, it was way too high. Sincerely, King George

Dear Co-President Lincoln, Sometimes I don't even remember what we're fighting about. Do you think we should get together and talk about reuniting our countries? Maybe we could trade the presidencies every 6 months? And have 6 months of slavery, then 6 months of no slavery? I'm just brainstorming here. Anyway, get in touch. Your pal? Jeff Davis.

Dear President Hoover, Your handling of the current economic Depression sucks. You suck. Someone should name a vacuum after you. Oh, wait, there's already a Hoover vacuum. I wonder which sucks more, you or the vacuum? I would bet on you since the vacuum's poor financial management did not cause me to lose my life savings. Tomorrow I'll be sober, but you'll still suck. If you are ever in Britain, please get bent. Winston Churchill.

Dear JFK, I will consider removing my missles from Cuba if you can arrange for me to sleep with your American actress Marilyn Monroe. Please consider this offer. Nikita Krushchev.

Yo Kennedy! I will forget about your attempt to oust me at the Bay of Pigs if you can arrange for me to sleep with Marilyn Monroe. Just once. Although, between you and me, I think once she's tried Fidel, she'll never go back. Yours, Fidel Castro.

Deal Plesident Nixon, Me rikee vely much if you come visit me countree. I no get arong with Lussia again. Is velly funny that I lite with accent too, no? Haldree makee sense at all. Cartoonish, velly much. Sayonara, Mao Zedong.

Dear Mr. Carter, I do not think I will be releasing your hostages any time soon. If I do, however, I had an idea for a New York Post headline -- you could have a picture of you hugging the freed hostages outside the White House and the headline would be "'Welcome Back' - Carter" Get it? It sounds like your TV show "Welcome Back, Kotter," no? The one with the Sweathogs? I come up with a lot of good funny headlines. Do you know who hires people for that job at the Post? I think I would be good at it. Seriously. But like I said, I will not be releasing your hostages. Signed, Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini.

Dear President Reagan, You recently asked me to consider tearing down the Berlin Wall. I am thinking about it, and wondering if there is any chance you can arrange for me to sleep with the "Solid Gold" host Marilyn McCoo? Sincerely, Mikhail Gorbachev