going for the gold

The New York Times, May 31, 2006:
INVESTIGATOR AND ANTI-DOPING GROUP CLASH ON ARMSTRONG TESTS
Lance Armstrong won a small victory today in clearing his name of doping allegations connected with the 1999 Tour de France, the first of his record seven wins in the race. A Dutch lawyer hired by the International Cycling Union issued a report that said drug tests conducted on urine samples from the 1999 Tour de France were mishandled and, in turn, the test results could not be linked with Armstrong or any other athlete.

ICU GUIDELINES FOR PROPER HANDLING OF URINE SAMPLES:

• Always wear rubber gloves while handling urine.
• Do not place urine samples on counter near small cups of apple juice.
• If you need to urinate while conducting tests, always go to the lavatory. Do not, under any circumstances, use the cyclists' urine samples as a receptacle for your own urine.
• To clarify the "glove" rule above -- you should wear some protective garment on your hands, and gloves are recommended over mittens, because they allow greater dexterity.
• Do not place a crucifix or any other religious artifact into the urine sample. If, by accident, a crucifix falls into a urine sample, the sample should be marked as contaminated and must be disposed of properly. Do not photograph the sample in order to sell the negatives to Andres Serrano collectors.
• If you have deformed fingers, you are allowed to wear rubber mittens. If anyone asks, tell them you have deformed fingers, but do not specify what sort of deformity.
• Do not wear clothing that is white with yellow flowers, because if you accidentally spill a urine sample, you may not notice immediately.
• Do not stir the urine samples with the same spoon you used to mix the human-growth-hormone cocktail for your daughter who is being treated for Turner's Syndrome.
• Samples are to be tested blindly to preserve anonymity -- do not wrap a "Live Strong" bracelet around Mr. Armstrong's urine sample to identify it.
• Do not make a musical instrument by pouring the urine samples into various pieces of crystal stemware and rubbing your fingertip around the rims of the different glasses to create diferent pitches.
• Whether you are wearing rubber gloves or rubber mittens, do not put them over your head and inflate them by breathing out your nose like Howie Mandel used to do before he started wearing the gloves on his hands as a result of his OCD.
• When in doubt, it is best not to emulate any of Mr. Mandel's behavior when you are in a labratory setting.

decoration day

This weekend, I honored our country's veterans in the following ways:

I started by remembering the first American soldiers who died in the Revolutionary War by wearing a tri-cornered hat and running through town yelling that the British were coming, just like Paul Revere had done so many years ago. A lot of my neighbors decided to play along by portraying the angry colonials who told Revere to "shut the fuck up" and "stop being such an ass."

Next up it was time to memorialize the soldiers of the Civil War by sawing off the limbs of the wounded in a makeshift field hospital near my apartment.

I had planned to pay tribute to veterans of the World War I by reading "All Quiet on the Western Front," but I was alarmed to discover that the book was in German. I didn't want to dishonor the veterans of World War II by reading a book in German, after they fought so hard to keep me from having to live in a German-controlled world. So, as an alternate choice, I marked WWI by shooting the self-titled album by rockers Franz Ferdinand.

To celebrate the legacy of World War II and the greatest generation, I locked my Japanese neighbor Toru Yamamoto in his house and refused to let him out.

I watched Robert Altman's "M*A*S*H" to highlight the accomplishments an sacrifices of the Korean War dead. After that, I watched "The Player," "McCabe & Mrs. Miller," and "Gosford Park." That was for Granada, Vietnam and the first Gulf War. I can't wait to honor soldiers who fought and died in the Barbary Wars when "A Prairie Home Companion" is released on June 9.

from january 25, 2006

AN OPEN LETTER TO FORMER ENRON EXECUTIVES

Dear Kenneth Lay and Jeffrey Skilling,

I am writing this letter because I participated in my high school's Mock Trial team during my junior and senior year. Please do not let the fact that I was not good enough to make the squad sophomore year prevent you from listening to my advice. I have some strategies that I think might help you in your upcoming trial.

Although entrance music is popular among boxers and ultimate fighters, it is infrequently used at courtroom hearings. If possible, have your lawyers look into the logistics of this. For Mr. Lay, I would suggest the acoustic sex anthem "Laid" by the band James. For Mr. Skilling, I would propose "You Be Illin'" by Run-D.M.C. (see if you can overdub the lyrics to say "You Be Skilling" ... two members of the rap group are still alive and may be willing to do this for a fee).

When you are asked how you plead, remember that your choices are "Guilty" or "Not Guilty." Ka-ching! is not a proper answer, nor will it endear you to the jury.

Before your testimony, you will be asked to swear that you will tell the truth. Do not pretend that touching the Bible burns your flesh. If you must add levity to this moment, pretend you are an African-American preacher and ask if you can get "an Amen" after your oath. Do not do this if the jury contains African Americans.

Try to prevent prosecutors from referring to you as "Skilling and Lay" as it evokes the names of guilty co-defendents from history such as Sacco and Vanzetti (robbery/murder), Leopold and Loeb (kidnapping/murder), and Mario and Luigi (animal cruelty/arson).

No matter how tempting it is, do not mutter "Hubbard's Dianetics" under your breath every time a lawyer says "Enron."

Wear a suit and tie; the judge should be the only one in the courtroom dressed in a robe. Also, I cannot stress enough that it is completely inappropriate to stand up and yell "Booyah!" no matter how helpful the testimony of a witness may be.

Whenever a prosecution witness refers to a particularly complicated accounting scheme, shrug your shoulders as if confused and look at the jury like, "Do you guys get this? Because I sure don't."

The night before Andrew Fastow testifies against you, arrange for an accomplice to leave a dead rat on his doorstep to spook him. I did something similar to Whitman High School senior Alice Philbrick before the county semi-finals and she was too distracted to be effective during the mock trial competition. Except instead of a dead rat it was a photograph of her with the face scratched out. We used to date. Anyway, she transferred schools soon after.

The prosecution will object when your lawyers bring up Fastow's off-the-books entity Chewco because it is not referenced in your indictment. Arrange for the actor Peter Mayhew to be in the courtroom gallery and have him make the Chewbacca noise immediately after the objection. This will get a big laugh, and the judge might forget about the objection and allow the testimony to proceed.

It is widely known that a jury who has reached a guilty verdict will not make eye contact with the defendants when returning from deliberations. Therefore, if you force the jury to make eye contact with you at this moment, you will be acquitted. If they're not looking in your direction, do whatever it takes to get their attention. I've heard one of you does a funny impression of Christopher Walken farting -- this would be a good time to use it.

If you are found guilty, your lawyers will tell you to remain calm because they plan to file an appeal. This is something all lawyers say to prevent you from making a break for it, which would make them look bad. Don't fall for it. If you have a clear path to the exit, go for it. One of you is likely to get away clean. When you get outside the door, put on a fake moustache, point down the hall, and yell "Ee went that way" in a French accent to any guards who come after you.

Please contact me if you have any questions. I wish you the best of luck and will be watching on Court TV.

Yours,

Erik Tanouye

the break-up of the species

The Economist, May 20, 2006:
EVOLUTION: Humans could have interbred with chimpanzees
... a study published this week by scientists in America ... concludes that humans and chimpanzees interbred after the two species first separated, before eventually going their different ways some 5.4m years ago. Humans are thus much more recently related to their closest relatives than was previously thought.

Excuses for Breaking Up With Members of Another Species:

• "There are literally other fish in the sea."
• "Things are moving too fast. I'm just not ready for a short-beaked finch at this point in my life."
• "I've evolved into someone else."
• "I'm sorry, but I just don't love you anymore. Especially when you throw poop at me."
• "I hope we can still be friends."
• "I'm going to be away at college, and you're a rhesus monkey."
• "Dear John, This is the hardest letter I've ever had to write. Especially because I don't have thumbs. Holding the pencil is almost impossible. I don't think we should see each other anymore."
• "It's not your kingdom, phylum, class, order and genus; it's my kingdom, phylum, class, order and genus."
• "I'm gay. And not a walrus."
• "You're a Gazella thomsonii, and I'm a Gazella subgutturosa." (applies only to gazelles)

they might be brazen giants

The Washington Post, May 15, 2006:
BUSH SET TO SEND GUARD TO BORDER
President Bush tried to ease the worries of his Mexican counterpart yesterday as he prepared for a nationally televised address tonight unveiling a plan to send thousands of National Guard troops to help seal the nation's southern border against illegal immigrants.

Coyotes -- illegal smugglers who offer to transport aliens for a fee -- suggest that there will still be ways to get their clients across the border.

1. Dig an underground tunnel from Mexico to Canada, then walk into U.S.A. by crossing less stringently guarded northern border.
2. Using an Acme Fish Suit, dress up like a large sea bass and swim into the ocean. Be caught on the hook of an American fisher, and allow him to take you into his home. Just before you are gutted and cooked, remove the costume and run away.
3. Begin training as a pole vaulter. Become very good at it, to the point where you can jump over the highest walls using only a long stick to assist you. Then join the Mexican Olympic team and travel to the 2008 Olympics in Beijing. After winning a gold medal, hide yourself in the suitcase of an American athlete.
4. Reverse the signs at the border so it looks like Mexico is the U.S. and the U.S. is Mexico. As thousands of Americans flee towards Mexico in the confusion, you can slip into the U.S. -- nobody will stop you because they'll think you're sneaking into Mexico.
5. Fit yourself into a gasoline cannister. Attach a price tag that says "$1.89 a gallon." Leave yourself in a visible spot near the border. Soon an American will smuggle you into the country and pour you into his SUV. In between when he puts you in the car and when he turns the ignition, climb out the gas valve.

earthly delights

This week's The New Yorker highlights Astoria's Bohemian Hall and Beer Garden in its "Goings On About Town" section, and I can only say that it's about time.

As an Astoria resident and Beer Garden regular, I have long grown weary of the subpar social atmosphere. This mention by the magazine of record surely means the intellectual climate of the Beer Garden will increase. Just last week, I was waiting in line for a pitcher of Pilsner Urquell and tried to start a discussion with another patron about the recent resurgence of popularity in Handel's opera works. The gentleman elbowed me in the stomach and, while I was crunched over in pain, skipped ahead of me in line. I guess he would rather intoxicate himself than enrich his mind.

Later, while I was working on my second pitcher of Pilsner, I attempted to discuss the efficacy of Constance Garnett's translations of Russian literature with a lady who was eating some perogies. She claimed she had never heard of Larissa Volokhonsky and Richard Pevear, which was quite alarming. In fact, she seemed more interested in her food than the possibility that she might have read their Anna Karenina when it was an Oprah Book Club selection.

Interested in modern dance and beer? Forget about it. You'll get more talk about Zack Morris than Mark Morris at the Bohemian Hall. (Zack Morris, I discovered, was a character on show called "Saved by the Bell," which, despite being set at a school, was apparently not very educational.) When I brought up Martha Graham, the bartender getting my Maker's Mark thought I was asking for some sort of cracker marketed by Martha Stewart.

Later, it got blurry, but I'm pretty sure I was the only one holding up my end of the Hendrik Hertzberg discussion when that third pitcher of Pilsner spilled on the picnic table. I'm not sure who spilled it, but I went to buy the next pitcher, and while I was gone, I doubt you were talking about the recent furor in the letters section regarding the depiction of William Shawn in the film Capote. I'm talking to you, two tall guys in the baseball caps. I couldn't find the table when I got back, so I sat somewhere else. Did you move? I guess so.

Near closing time, I was vomiting into one of the urinals and remarked to another chap in the men's room that I hadn't felt this sick since I read the account of birthing a dead fetus in the essay "Vessels" that appeared in The New Yorker. I could tell by the look on the guy's face as he handed me paper towels that he had no idea what I was talking about, the uneducated lout.

All in all, I hope to be able to make merry and enliven the mind at the Beer Garden in the near future. Goodbye, twenty-something inebriated clods. Hello, thirtysomething Dorothy Parker admirers.

letter at 1600

Associated Press, May 9, 2006:
RICE: IRAN LETTER DOESN'T RESOLVE STANDOFF
Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice dismissed a letter that Iran's president sent to President Bush on Monday, saying the first direct communication from an Iranian leader in 27 years does not help resolve the standoff over Tehran's disputed nuclear program.

This is not the first time the United States has received a letter from another country's leader.

Dear "President" Washington, I wish to "make apologies" for the "War" of "Independence" that recently got out of hand. I hope we can put this whole mess behind us and become friendly nations again. You were right about the tea tax, it was way too high. Sincerely, King George

Dear Co-President Lincoln, Sometimes I don't even remember what we're fighting about. Do you think we should get together and talk about reuniting our countries? Maybe we could trade the presidencies every 6 months? And have 6 months of slavery, then 6 months of no slavery? I'm just brainstorming here. Anyway, get in touch. Your pal? Jeff Davis.

Dear President Hoover, Your handling of the current economic Depression sucks. You suck. Someone should name a vacuum after you. Oh, wait, there's already a Hoover vacuum. I wonder which sucks more, you or the vacuum? I would bet on you since the vacuum's poor financial management did not cause me to lose my life savings. Tomorrow I'll be sober, but you'll still suck. If you are ever in Britain, please get bent. Winston Churchill.

Dear JFK, I will consider removing my missles from Cuba if you can arrange for me to sleep with your American actress Marilyn Monroe. Please consider this offer. Nikita Krushchev.

Yo Kennedy! I will forget about your attempt to oust me at the Bay of Pigs if you can arrange for me to sleep with Marilyn Monroe. Just once. Although, between you and me, I think once she's tried Fidel, she'll never go back. Yours, Fidel Castro.

Deal Plesident Nixon, Me rikee vely much if you come visit me countree. I no get arong with Lussia again. Is velly funny that I lite with accent too, no? Haldree makee sense at all. Cartoonish, velly much. Sayonara, Mao Zedong.

Dear Mr. Carter, I do not think I will be releasing your hostages any time soon. If I do, however, I had an idea for a New York Post headline -- you could have a picture of you hugging the freed hostages outside the White House and the headline would be "'Welcome Back' - Carter" Get it? It sounds like your TV show "Welcome Back, Kotter," no? The one with the Sweathogs? I come up with a lot of good funny headlines. Do you know who hires people for that job at the Post? I think I would be good at it. Seriously. But like I said, I will not be releasing your hostages. Signed, Ayatollah Ruhollah Khomeini.

Dear President Reagan, You recently asked me to consider tearing down the Berlin Wall. I am thinking about it, and wondering if there is any chance you can arrange for me to sleep with the "Solid Gold" host Marilyn McCoo? Sincerely, Mikhail Gorbachev

division street

The Washington Post, May 6, 2006:
REP. KENNEDY'S CAR CRASHES NEAR CAPITOL
Rep. Patrick J. Kennedy crashed his car into a security barrier near the Capitol early yesterday, and officers at the scene suspected that he might have been intoxicated, a police union official said.

As described in Security Barrier Times:

A concrete cylinder is recuperating after a late-night altercation with Rep. Patrick J. Kennedy in Washington, DC, capital of human country United States of America. The cylinder, whose name has not been released, was reportedly firmly planted in the ground at the time. Kennedy, who had been driving an electric horse carriage, appeared intoxicated, according to human police officials.

A concrete sidewalk who saw the incident said "The loud machine was swerving a lot, and then hit the barrier. After that a human got out."

No charges have been filed against the human, although an investigation is underway.

This is the first time a security barrier has succesfully averted crisis for the human Kennedy family. An orange cone, who is spokesperson for the Barrier Association of America, said well-placed barriers in 1963, 1969, and 1997 could have averted tragedies for the human political dynasty. (Politics is the name given to human forms of governance whereby they choose leaders to represent their interests.)

Readers may remember Washington, D.C., as the purchaser of numerous security barriers following the events of September 11, 2001.

According to the orange cone, numerous lives have been saved by the city's fences, cones, and concrete barriers since 2001.

"This only emphasizes the importance of barriers, the likes of which may have saved untold lives and economic misfortunes for the people of New Orleans," the cone said.

New Orleans, a human city known for its jazz music and sinful ways, was mostly destroyed last year following the tragic death of an elderly concrete levee near the city's Ninth Ward. (Wards are abstract divisions between sections of a city -- although they are drawn on maps, they are not actually divided by physical barriers.)

so, what are you in here for?

The Washington Post, May 5, 2006:
JURORS REJECT DEATH PENALTY FOR MOUSSAOUI
Al-Qaeda conspirator Zacarias Moussaoui will spend the rest of his life in a maximum security prison for his role in the Sept. 11 attacks after a federal jury rejected the government's four-year quest to secure his execution for the deadliest terrorist strike on U.S. soil.

If you share a cell with Moussaoui, do you rape him to ensure he has a horrible prison experience, even if it means you will be having sex with a terrorist?

cuando el dique se rompe

The New York Times, May 3, 2006:
NEW ORLEANS MAYOR UNVEILS A NEW EVACUATION PLAN
With the hurricane season less than a month away and memories of Hurricane Katrina still vivid here, Mayor C. Ray Nagin announced a new evacuation plan on Tuesday that relies on buses and trains rather than the cavernous sites of last year's mass misery, the Superdome and the Morial Convention Center.

Details of the Plan:

• Phone tree. If there's a levee break, the New Orleans P.D. will call five citizens who will in turn call other citizens and so on until everyone knows to leave.

• Anne Rice just bought a van, so she has room for at least five other Christians who have read her books.

• Buses will be provided for all residents, but the cool ones will probably catch a ride with their friend Doug, who has a Camaro. Only squares ride the bus.

• In honor of Duke Ellington, a giant of jazz composition, authorities have named one of the escape railroads the "A" train. Hopefully, residents will remember to "take the 'a' train" when the next natural disaster strikes. If it fills up, they can also take the "John Cole" train, the "Weather Report" train, or the "Miles Davis: The Complete Bitches Brew Sessions" train.

• Residents will have the option to flee on an experimental, environmentally friendly bus powered by Anderson Cooper's moral indignation.

• For the money he's being paid, Reggie Bush will be expected to run out of the city his own damn self.

mas y mas

Associated Press, May 2, 2006:
1M IMMIGRANTS SKIP WORK FOR DEMONSTRATION
More than 1 million mostly Hispanic immigrants and their supporters skipped work and took to the streets Monday, flexing their economic muscle in a nationwide boycott that succeeded in slowing or shutting many farms, factories, markets and restaurants.

How I Spent My Monday:

8:00 am: Failed to wake up when Sony Dream Machine alarm clock did not play my CD of Shakira: Oral Fixation, Vol. 2. (Not sure whether the Japanese machine or Colombian singer was behind the boycott on this one.)

8:15 am: Hector, who scrubs me in the shower, did not show up for work. I found a white person of Scandinavian descent to do the scrubbing on Hector's behalf. Thanks, Bjornglort.

8:40 am: Breakfast at Taco Bell cancelled; I ate at KFC instead.

9:10 am: When I don't drive to work, I ride the subway to work and watch "Mind of Mencia" over the shoulder of a dude who downloaded it onto his iPod. That guy wasn't there this morning, so I had to read the New York Post over the shoulder of someone else. Learned that there was a "Hack Attack in Big Mack Shack," although I'm not sure what that means.

11:00 am: I was supposed to interview Indian-American author Kaavya Viswanathan regarding her debut novel, but she did not show up for the meeting. When I called her publicist, she said Kaavya was not going to comment. I assume she was taking a one-day break from PR to show her support for other immigrant cultures.

Noon pm: My favorite Los Lobos song? "Good Morning, Aztlan"

3:15 pm: I'm the only one to show up for Cinco de Mayo party-planning meeting. Come on guys, it's only four days away and it's your holiday!

3:30 pm: Local Latin radio station refused my request to play "Immigrant Song" by Led Zeppelin. Then I asked if they could play "Going to California," which they also refused to do. Same with "Travelling Riverside Blues" (reminded them of Rio Grande), "Tangerine" (many immigrants work as fruit pickers), and "Communication Breakdown" (highlights language gap between residents and aliens) ... I was forced to request apolitical Zeppelin track "Ozone Baby." At which point the DJ claimed I should call a classic rock station. I don't know how they do things in Latinland, but here in America, we like to rock 'n' roll all night and party every day. If you can't take the heat, Mexicans, maybe you should stay out of America's kitchens.

7:00 pm: Ate dinner at Pizzeria Uno. The "Uno" threw me off, but it's a pizzeria, so I assume it was an Italian restaurant. The proprietor informed me that the "uno" in the restaurant's name comes from the popular American card game. The guy who founded the chain gained his start-up capital at an Uno tournament when he was lucky enough to be dealt a hand full of "Draw Fours."

7:45 pm: Threw up my dinner after reading a graphic description of the birthing of a dead baby in last week's The New Yorker. This doesn't relate to immigrants or the protest, but man, that piece was crazy, right? Did anyone else read it? So painful and bloody. The story about the island voting not to be independent was great, though.

11:45 pm: Went to bed early, trying to remember if "fiesta" or "siesta" means nap. One of them means party, and one means nap but I can never remember which is which.